Full Time, All the Time
with Britt and Robyn
I'm Britt. I work full time as a mom, wife, blogger and salesperson with a fancy management title. And I'm Robyn. I work as a project manager and between corporate meetings manage to cook a home-made meal every day. This blog is about our experiences of juggling full-time work with family.
Check out our personal blogs:
Miss Britt and Who's the Boss?
Last week I wrote a post about some of the benefits that children of working mothers enjoy. Or, rather, the benefits that my children have experienced as a result of my choice to work outside the home.
I was inspired to write that post after watching my four year old daughter attempt to make scrambled eggs in the microwave by herself. As I was wiping the egg yolk off my kitchen floor, I couldn’t help but marvel at the idea that she had even tried to complete such a task on her own. My hope in writing that post was to encourage other working mothers to notice the things their children have picked up as a result of growing up in a home with a working mom.
But why?
SKL, a frequent and always thought provoking commenter here, questioned whether or not discussions like this are still necessary. Her original comment was:
“With all the empirical data and experience out there, an objective and honest person really can’t categorically say a working mom is “bad” for kids. I could see this being a vigorous discussion 30 years ago, but now? Why do we still need to ask this question?
The real question should not be “should we work,” but “how should we go about it.”….”
She went on to explain her thought process further in the comments of that post, and I encourage you to read them.
The original sentiment of her question is one I have been going over and over again in my head.
Why do we keeping talking about whether working outside the home is OK? Or good? Or bad?
Are we doing a disservice to ourselves by continuing to defend our choice to work?
While the idea of a working mother is no longer novel or new for our society, I believe that it is still something that has the potential to be difficult for individual women. Yes, we have far more role models of working women to look at than our mothers and grandmothers did. But in the end, the discussion instantly becomes brand new when you’re talking about your choice and your family and your little tiny baby that you are deciding to leave in the care of others.
And, I contend, it is still a difficult choice to make for a lot of women.
As women, we get a lot of mixed messages from the world around us. Turn on the TV and you’ll see everything from the stay at home mom who manages a household with ease to an overworked mother who misses every soccer game because of responsibilities at the office.
I think it’s interesting to compare that to the images we see of fathers. You’ll see the majority of fathers portrayed as working men, with a few exceptions of stay at home dads trying to fit in with the stay at home mom crowds.
I should be grateful that I have so many options as a woman. In fact, I am grateful that there are so many roads open to me. But trying to determine which option is “best” can also be overwhelming. There are a lot of conflicting messages that, realistically, I have to sort through on a daily basis.
SKL said:
“I do understand the value of an article such as this to provide validation to women who haven’t yet reached the point of losing their defensiveness. It’s just that I’d rather it wasn’t couched in doubt.”
Me too.
I wish that I woke up each morning filled with confidence that I’m making the right decisions for myself and my children.
I wish that I didn’t feel the twinges of guilt when I hear about other mothers taking their children to the park on a Monday afternoon.
I wish that I wasn’t worried about how my children will reflect on their childhoods and my parenting skills when they’re older.
I wish, sometimes, that the choices were made for me so that I didn’t have to wonder if I was making the wrong ones.
But until that day comes, if it does, the next best thing I can do is be honest about my fears and try to encourage mothers with similar fears that we’re going to be OK. I can be willing to admit that I have doubts, in the hope that another mother wrestling with those same doubts will find solace in that shared experience. I can share the insights that help validate my decisions so that I have something to fall back on when the mornings come where My God, I need some validation.
It may not be the best option, but it’s the best I have to offer.
And as a mother, I can tell you - that has to be good enough.
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From what I can gather from my experience, no matter what you do and how well you attempt to do it, there is the possibilty that at least one of your children will wish you’d done it differently.
My mom worked because she had to. I remember being home with me when I was little, but once I was in school she worked. And I remember being glad about it because there was no one to bug me when I got home from school; I could do my own thing. My brother, on the other hand, has said more than once that he wishes she’d been home (with fresh chocolate chip cookies?) when we go there.
You have to do what works best for you and the family as a whole I think.
Me? I worked strictly from home for a long time and can honestly say I’m happier when I get out of the house — even for a few hours. And happy parents make happy kids.
Finn | July 15th, 2009 at 8:33 am
I’m going to go ahead and recommend a book that isn’t the most enjoyable read, but it goes directly to this issue: “Ask the Children.” I mentioned it in that last post too. In a fairly objective way, it validates the choice to work from the children’s perspective, and offers some more constructive ways to pursue “continuous improvement” as a working parent.
This isn’t the only choice that is difficult for parents, and it’s not the only area where parents make mistakes. But it seems to be one of few areas where there are people on both sides hollering that their way is THE way. I believe the voice on the “SAHM unless you can’t” camp is getting weaker, but yes, it still is there. But, so are lots of other minority voices that most of us manage to ignore - like, don’t feed your kids meat, don’t get them vaccinated, don’t make them sleep in their own bed, etc., etc. So we as individuals need to decide how much weight to give the minority anti-working-mom voice. Look inside yourself, not at the TV or what others say. Kinda like you do in regard to your career path (with or without kids). It isn’t an easy question but it’s one you can competently answer for yourself and your family.
SKL | July 15th, 2009 at 8:46 am
SKL - someday I should tell you about the agony I went through when I finally stopped breastfeeding.
I think I’m genetically prone to massive amounts of guilt. LOL
Miss Britt | July 15th, 2009 at 8:52 am
It’s good to know that other people go through the same kinds of thoughts as I do, which is what gives value to reading these types of posts and their accompanying comments. The discussion of how life changes after children is an important one for all parents, not just mothers. Figuring out how to navigate parenthood is essential to our lives. But, really, parents are as old as time. Why is it only in the last century that parenting has become such a contentious and public topic for discussion? Just get on with it, already.
I totally understand where SKL is coming from, though. I find it rather ridiculous that we, as a *society*, still have this conversation. It seems like some people continue the conversation to put others down, thereby making themselves feel better about their own choices. Or else, to “put women in their place,” which is sad and pathetic.
I really think that my own angst about working was purely derived from outside, societal pressures and had nothing to do with me, as a person, and my own feelings. Once I got over caring what other people thought, I lost all (and I mean ALL) the guilt. I feel no guilt whatsoever about working now. None. Which is not to say that I don’t sometimes wish for more free time, but it has everything to do with wanting to play and nothing to do with guilt.
It took me about 2 years after the birth of my daughter to get to this point. I’m due with #2 early 2010, and I don’t plan on going back. Finally, I do wish that the discussion wasn’t so “couched in doubt” and that it didn’t end so ambiguously. A good ending would be, “Guilt is worthless. Make your life what you will and then live it to the fullest.”
Robyn | July 15th, 2009 at 9:38 am
When I decided to stay at home for a few years with my kids, I was lauded as making the right choice. There were lots of pats on the back about what a noble sacrifice I was making for my children. There were many comments about the evils of working mothers and how terrible it is that women allow other people to raise their children for them. Talk of how if people were just willing to go without luxury items, we could ALL be SAHMs. It didn’t take long for me to realize that I absolutely loved my kids, and absolutely hated being a SAHM. Suddenly I was hearing indictments about how my marriage would fail, my kids would fail, and that I was just being selfish for wanting to continue in my original career. When I told a friend that things in my marriage and with my kids had actually IMPROVED after going back to work, I got a skeptical reply and haven’t heard from her since. At the same time, the working moms I have met since heading back to the workforce have the opposing mantra. SAHMs are lazy, they don’t do anything all day, they must not have been successful before having children, they can’t be equal partners in their marriage, etc.
It is due to experiences like this that we still need to have these discussions. For the women trapped in those parts of our culture that will condemn them for making the choices which are best for them and their family. To give them the courage they need to think through the issues and the decisions for themselves. We need to teach ourselves to respect those who choose differently for their families. We also need to be cautious about the tone of the discussion. There should not be this grasping from both sides for “reasons being a _______ mom is better”. If you have made an informed, reasoned decision for you and your family, then your choice is better for you and your kids-it doesn’t need to be better for me and mine also.
LMJN | July 15th, 2009 at 9:50 am
For me, the main reason of joining this workit moms blog for the reassurance, that there are other women out there, who have a full time job, and still manage to be full time moms.
I do understand, that as society we should now be questioning how to raise well rounded kids and work is something which is a reality for a lot of us.
But, this is not so> There are a lot of people i meet, who come out and say, oh she is so tiny and you are working. Oh you went back to work when she was only 5 months old. Oh, how do you manage. Oh, if you were SAHM, then the kid would already be doing blah blah! You ge the point.
I guess it also has to do with me being south asian. Having a working mother, is a novel concept and some folks from the older generation may claim is “gutsy”! I swear i have been told that: U r gutsy to work and leave your daughter in day care!
Its a valid question, and i hope by the time our kids grow up, it will be a way of life and not a choice!
GNSD | July 15th, 2009 at 11:11 am
I believe this whole discussion comes up because there are those of us who feel guilt (me included). Our financial situation is such that I have to work. But why are we comparing ourselves to men. Just because women have made huge strides in equality in the work force does not mean that we are built the same. Most women have a greater care-giver inclination than men. We are the nurturers and kissers of boo-boos. In most cases it is because that is the way we are wired. And so I want to continue giving care to my daughter instead of going off to work.
On the other hand, there are the days I am happy I have a place I can go where there are no sippy cups, no diapers, and no talk of the potty chair. We all make our choices, and we must own those choices and not look back (at least try not to).
JWil | July 15th, 2009 at 11:14 am
GNSD - I have been told my kids would talk better if they were in group day care. So that works both ways. Perfect is in Heaven. I just keep myself armed with one thing each of my kids can do that blows “those people” away. Like, my 2-year-old is beginning to read. Shuts people right up!
Britt: maybe I am a little more insulated/thick-skinned because my kids were adopted and I didn’t have custody until they were 9mos and 12mos old. I wished I could breastfeed them and so, so many other things, but circumstances made these things way too impractical (though not technically impossible). I felt bad about that too - it is a loss - but it didn’t change the fact that I believed my choices were for the best overall.
SKL | July 15th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
I think it’s good to question the choices you make. I think it’s silly to expect everyone to be confident about major decisions they make. If no decision is perfect, than it’s ok to sometimes feel guilty about the negative aspects of your decision.
I think being conflicted about being away from your kid is normal, and I don’t think any parent should feel bad for being conflicted. I feel conflicted about working out of the house not because society tells me I’m making a bad choice but because a part of me wishes I could spend more time with my son. I will always feel conflicted about my choice, just like I’m sure I’ll feel conflicted about other parenting and non-parenting choices I make. It’s helpful to read posts on the subject to know that other moms are going through the same things.
-R- | July 16th, 2009 at 11:56 am
I first have to say that when I read your first article about how your kids have learned so many things on their own because you work; I actually felt at ease! I am a new mom and my duaghter is a year old. I went back to work when she was 7 months and till this day I wake up sad, guilty, wondering, if I am doing the right thing for her furture. I dont think we should ignore this topic EVER, because we have women becoming mothers everyday who are going to expercience the same question soon enough. A big part of the reason I joined this site was to relate and feel comfort from other mothers going through the same thing. So I applaud you for being honest and expressing your fears because you are not alone! There are days when I wake up and say I am quittting! But in my heart I know what I have to do!
JP | July 16th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
I see this as a part of human nature to judge and compare. This discussion even comes up only because there are options- work or stay at home. People on either side need validation and one way is to bash the other side and feel good about your choice. It is just like any other choice we make in life. I have gone through tons of guilt myself and have figured out that I made best choice for myself. I have learnt to ignore some comments questioning my choice; eventhough it took some time to stand up to my choice confidently. I found this workitmom rather late in my stuggles and really enjoy the company. It is rather moot to discuss this topic in this site as most people here are working moms!
Lakshmi | July 17th, 2009 at 7:58 am
My own mother always worked - as did my grandmother and two maternal great aunts that comprised my young knowledge of what a woman was. My best friend growing up had a SAHM. In the late 70’s and early 80’s, I don’t know if it was normal or not - but in our neighborhood and circle of kids, having a SAHM was the odd one out. Having a working mother wasn’t even something that we, as kids, batted an eye at.
As we grew up and out, my changing circle of friends all had moms who worked and always had. Working was part of life. It’s what moms and dads did and do.
I never even knew it was an issue, a discussion or a debate until people started asking me what I was going to do when I was pregnant with Amelie. I also never realized it would be a question. We have to eat, yes? Therefore, we work.
What we didn’t realize when we were litte and what hasn’t changed very much seems to be the level of care to our children that we are expected to give after work. Part of the reason I joined this site was to network with other local mothers and to see how other mothers do it - to hopefully gain some insight as a new, first time mother with now two f/T jobs (motherhood being one) as well as two P/T jobs.
I never knew this was so contentious an issue until I came here though. I guess it’s just the way I was raised.
Phe | July 21st, 2009 at 9:30 am
I agree with Phe. My mom worked, my grandmothers worked. Most of my friends had working moms. It was never an issue for me.
I find the topic of whether women should feel guilty about working is silly. Why go to college if you don’t plan on using your education?
As a man, I fully expect my wife to work just as she fully expects me to take care of our son. Is there a difference? If women need validation and feel guilty about their decision to work, reflect on the things your mom and dad did in raising you that makes you feel that way and make sure you don’t pass that part on to your kids.
Glenn | July 31st, 2009 at 5:54 pm