Full Time, All the Time
with Britt and Robyn
I'm Britt. I work full time as a mom, wife, blogger and salesperson with a fancy management title. And I'm Robyn. I work as a project manager and between corporate meetings manage to cook a home-made meal every day. This blog is about our experiences of juggling full-time work with family.
Check out our personal blogs:
Miss Britt and Who's the Boss?
I spent last weekend at a blogging conference in Chicago. Although the conference was targeted primarily towards female bloggers, I had the honor of moderating a panel of three male bloggers, two of whom were also dads.
Although they were there to talk about blogging, it was something they said about parenting that I want to share with you.
Dads want to be parents, too.
Scratch that.
Dads are parents.
And they consider it just as much a responsibility and a job as mothers do.
Really.
The two fathers that I talked to, and a few of the other dads in the audience, told story after story of women who called parenting “their job” and actually resented the father’s “interference”. As one of the women listening, I realized that I, too, tend to take ownership of my children - sometimes to the point that I take it away from my husband.
And then I’m pissed that he doesn’t “get it” the same way I do.
I’m offended that he doesn’t remember doctor’s appointments.
Or the first day of school.
And I completely forget that every single time I “let” him be a father - he steps up to the plate. He reads bedtime stories and gives baths. He attends school plays and picks out birthday presents. He lets small children with sharp elbows and knees crawl all over him, even after a long day of work.
As a working mother, I’m constantly talking to my peers about the importance of a support system and balance. And yet, I easily miss the most important support system right in front of me: the other parent who is just as invested in the health and happiness of my children as I am.
I don’t think all women do this. I’m sure there are many mothers out there who naturally appreciate the role their children’s fathers play in their lives. But my own experiences and the words of these men suggest that at least some of us need to be reminded to back off.
We - or at least I - need to remember that fathers are just as much entitled to the opportunity to parent as mothers are. And if our children are lucky enough to have fathers who relish that opportunity, the best thing we can do for them is step out of the way.
And… I could use a little help with this parenting gig, anyway.
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I am very good at letting Mister be a parent. What I am not good at is not feeling guilty about not doing the things that he does.
Finn | July 29th, 2009 at 8:21 am
I think you’re so right about this. I think that we, as moms, feel like we have to do everything. Get dinner ready, help with homework, be the biggest cheerleader at the game, leap tall buildings in a single bound. What we forget is that dads also contribute so much to the lives of their children. When I stepped back a little and let my husband “help”, I found that the kids were so much more well rounded. It’s still hard, I’m a total control freak, but the kids are better for it.
Merritt | July 29th, 2009 at 9:46 am
All women don’t do this. I don’t. I’m perfectly happy to share parenting with my husband. He is just as good at is as I am. I couldn’t care less that he does things differently than I do. If men feel this way, then perhaps they should address their wives, rather than women in general. Sorry to sound snippy, but I hate being lumped into this particular stereotype simply by virtue of being a mother. It’s a pet peeve of both mine and my husband.
Robyn | July 30th, 2009 at 9:28 am
Robyn,
In cased you missed it on the first reading:
“I don’t think all women do this. I’m sure there are many mothers out there who naturally appreciate the role their children’s fathers play in their lives. But my own experiences and the words of these men suggest that at least some of us need to be reminded to back off.”
I know a lot of women are better at this than I am. And then men that I was speaking with weren’t so much hurt at the way their wives talked about their parenting, but about how it made them feel to hear other women talk about fathers in general.
Miss Britt | July 30th, 2009 at 9:37 am
As a mom who tends to be a little on the OCD side, I can really appreciate this story. I like to have things done my way for the most part, but I do allow my husband to be a daddy to his girls. At the same time, I do wish that he would help more. I think in a lot of marriages, the man “gets used to” the woman doing a majority of the domestic duties (laundry, cleaning, dr appts, etc). So even when us moms are ready to give up some of the control the man has a hard time stepping up to the plate because they are not used to having to do those things. Amen for dads though… I could not imagine being a single mom.
Lisa | July 30th, 2009 at 10:27 am
My husband is an equal or better parent than I am. We each have a set of things we routinely do with kids because of our work timings. For instance I get them ready to school and drop/pick and give their evening showers everyday because he has a longer commute and is gone, but he does lot of play time/dinner/bed time. We consider each other the expert in our own areas and let us handle those without much(!) mutual disagreement.
Lakshmi | July 30th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
My dad wasn’t an involved parent, and he’s who set the role of “father” in my mind. My daughter’s father is incredibly involved, but then he’s been a single father half-time for five years.
While being a single parent sucks in many aspects, you also don’t have the issues of merging parenting styles with another person. You can do things your way and the only irritation is you have no backup.
All of this said, it’s always annoyed me when I hear women say their husbands are babysitting their kids, as if they are paid help. I get that you need an active verb to describe the situation, but I think it’s disrespectful phrasing. I’m with you in that moms need to get out of the way, let go of the control and let dads be fathers.
lynn @ human, being | July 31st, 2009 at 1:17 am
Defining roles in parenthood is difficult, no matter how things worked before kids came along. There is a tendency to want to keep score (especially if you think you’re ahead) and I firmly believe the less scorekeeping the better, but it happens.
Although I’m really lucky that my husband does carry a decent amount of the parenting weight since we both work in demanding jobs, I know that I need to also back off and let him figure things out in his way. My husband and I are both quick to jump to “this is how I do it so you should too” which isn’t good for anyone involved.
Brenda | July 31st, 2009 at 7:03 am
Nope, Britt. I didn’t miss it. I’m just tired of most mothers being lumped into this stereotype. I just think that if a man has this problem, maybe he should address it to his wife rather than thinking that he needs to tell other women to back off the fathers of their children.
Robyn | July 31st, 2009 at 8:59 am
from Robyn: “…If men feel this way, then perhaps they should address their wives, rather than women in general. Sorry to sound snippy, but I hate being lumped into this particular stereotype simply by virtue of being a mother.”
So what you’re saying Robyn is that these men, who were at a blogging conference (not a parenting conference) just talking about things that were on their minds and had no idea that their conversation was going to be used in a parenting article were irresponsible to talk about parenthood and should just shut up in public venues about such things because you never know who is listening and it bugs a lot of women (you at least) that what they said might be used in an obscure web article and therefore offend said women? Yeah, I can see that…. (rolling eyes)
As far as mom needing to LET dads be parents too. There is just so much wrong with THAT statement, where to start. I’m a dad, a father, a parent. I take my son to school, pick him up from school, take him to swimming and karate and coach his soccer and baseball teams. I fix his lunch in the mornings, I make dinner for our family and I bathe him at night (70% of the time) and read to him before sleeping. I take time off from work to go on field trips with his class. I do this because I’m his dad. My wife chooses to catch the bus to work (her CHOICE), which is great for our gas bill but it also means she has a 12 hour work day and is absent for most of his waking hours. I choose to go into work at a certain time and leave at a certain time. MY CHOICE. If a father living in the same house with his kids WANTS to be a parent there is NOTHING that can stop him from being a parent. Moms can make it easier (I guess this is the LETTING part) and even force the issue if their spouse is not stepping up to the parenthood plate, but it is up to DAD to want to be a DAD.
For some kids, going to school and learning is a duty that must be done. For other kids, going to school and learning is a RIGHT that they own and wouldn’t give up for all the Barbi dolls in the world. It’s the same thing with parenting. Many dads (and moms) see the responsibilities of parenthood as duties they are forced to perform. Other dads (and moms) see parenthood as their RIGHT and their isn’t anyone who’s going to take that away from them. And when a mother and father are on the same page when it comes to raising their children, it’s fun and easy.
Glenn | July 31st, 2009 at 5:34 pm
Yes, Glenn. I have a problem with people perpetuating stereotypes by bitching about mothers and insinuating that women in general are so controlling that they don’t “let” men be parents. Or maybe my problem is with how this particular article is written, and I wouldn’t have as much problem with it if it was phrased in a “this is my personal experience” kind of way rather than “many/most women do this and they shouldn’t.”
I guess I struck a nerve and I should just shut up and keep my thoughts to myself. So sorry. (rolls eyes right back at you)
Robyn | August 3rd, 2009 at 10:11 am
Robyn,
I’m not sure how I could have made the tone of this post any more about MY experience and SOME women. I certainly attempted to do exactly that.
But I do think that if fathers hear it from women who are not their wives, they have a right to voice that concern as well.
In much the same way that I would stand up for myself if someone who wasn’t my husband commented on my parenting.
Miss Britt | August 3rd, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Miss Britt - in my personal opinion (and by that, I mean that I’m not generalizing or speaking on behalf of anyone else), the article’s tone was absolutely written in a very “my experience sort of way” and a great story to make me think about my own life, but I did not see the finger pointing that so many people were so quick to assume. Please, please, keep sharing YOUR stories and inspiring positive mommyhood experiences.
Brenda | August 4th, 2009 at 11:38 am
This summer my husband retired from the military after 28 years and we’ve been given a gift in disguise. While he was supposed to begin his new job on July 1st (or thereabouts), it has not begun yet. On the other hand, I have begun a part-time job doing something I love - directing a children’s summer theater program. So, Hubby who was always working, but always gave the baths at night and cleans as much as I do, got the opportunity to be me for a couple of months. He loves it, I love it, and the kids love it.
The women who do not let their husbands get too involved ought to try it. It is wonderful having a true partner in parenting our joint children.
Rosemary | August 6th, 2009 at 2:04 pm