with Britt Reints
Forget the 9 to 5; Full Time, All the Time is a blog about the mobile working life - when you have the freedom to work from anywhere and the responsibility of always having your smartphone turned on. Britt Reints works as a freelance writer while traveling fulltime in an RV with her husband and two kids. She explores balancing real-life bills with an unconventional work life, and finding time to maintain relationships with family and friends.
You can also find Britt at InPursuitOfHappiness.net.
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You know what my favorite thing about summer is?
The dramatic reduction in working mom guilt.
I mean, OK, I still feel bad because my kids spend their summer at daycare programs instead of running the neighborhood with their friends. And, yes, I wish I had more time to take them to the pool and the beach and on family vacations. But with the help of family, friends, camps and weekends, my kids get plenty of fun and relaxation in between June and August.
But school is just around the corner now (and has started for many of you), and it’s only a matter of time before I’m once again asking myself, “am I the only mom who works?!?”
You know the drill. The letters asking if you’d like to volunteer to be a chaperone for this year’s field trips. The PTA meetings and parent-teacher conferences held at 2 in the afternoon. The requests for two dozen cookies sent home the night before two dozen cookies are needed.
And when I say “I have to work”, I feel like what’s heard is “I care more about my job than my children.”
Of course, that’s not true. In fact, most of the women I know who work do so, in part, because of all the things they want to provide for their children. Things like food and shelter, for example.
Moving away from a small town where I knew everyone helped to assauge a lot of the guilt I felt about not being able to be the Home Room Mom (whatever that is). It’s a lot easier to focus on the realities of what’s important to your family when you don’t know the people you imagine to be juding you. Once I got the Guilt Over Things I Am Probably Making Up In My Head out of the way, it became a lot easier to focus on realistic ways that I, as a mother who works full time, can be involved in my children’s education.
I can’t take off work all the time to volunteer in the classroom or chaperone a field trip. I can, however, donate extra supplies to the classroom. I try to ask the teacher during the Meet The Teacher Day (held at 1:00 in the afternoon, by the way) what kinds of things are needed for the class that I can help out with.
I can’t attend a PTA meeting in the middle of the day. But I can host slumber parties and birthday parties that give me an opportunity to meet my children’s classmates and their parents.
But getting involved is more than that. It’s more important for me to be involved with my kids than anything.
I can sit down and have dinner with them every night.
I can go through their homework and ask questions about what they’re doing in school. Constantly.
I can make a point to know the names of their friends, classmates and teachers.
I can asked pointed questions about the good and bad things that happened to them during the day in order to illicit a response deeper than “fine”.
And I can, on occassion, take a day or an afternoon off for special events at school. Like taking my son to meet his teacher and see his new classroom for the very first time.
How do you stay involved with your kids’ education while holding down a full time job?
I think I’ve been fortunate that the parent-teacher conferences have been either on the phone (if there was nothing really important to discuss), or a willingness to have them later in the day (4-5). We also have our Meet the Teacher from 3:30 - 6, making it a little more convenient to those of us who work. Even PTA meetings are held at night.
Otherwise, I’m doing everything you do to stay involved in my son’s education…asking questions, helping with homework (ok, the hubby does most of that after school). But I’m making a conscious effort to get a little more involved this year. It’s been tough with a chronically ill younger child, but now that’s leveled out and I feel like I can put a little more time in. However, I refuse to feel guilty for working full time and not having all my attention on the one in school. My boys know they are loved and that’s all that matters.
Kimmad | August 19th, 2009 at 7:53 am
I often feel that I am the only working parent at school with all the day-time activities we are asked to assist with. Fortunately, our PTA has meetings in the evening, so I go to those and have even helped with committees for fundraisers on weekends. This year I am on the Ex. Board of the PTA and hope to find other ways to make it easier for working parents to become involved.
I also agree with your last points. I go over homework with my kids after we get home. They start it at the afterschool program and we finish it together. We eat family dinner together each night and discuss our days.
I also try to schedule weekend play dates for my kids whenever possible. It gives me a chance to meet their friends and them a chance to develop those early friendships away from school.
Even though I am not always able to physically be at the school, I maintain an email or phone relationship with the teachers and principal at the school. They are very welcoming of this type of interaction which helps tremendously.
With all of that, I still have the working mom guilt when my kids ask why I am not at the class parties or the field trips. Hoping to save a vacation day or 2 to allow me to join in this year.. but, only time will tell.
patsyk | August 19th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
I’m glad I had a working mom, so I have seen it from the child’s perspective. Honestly, I did not want my parents to be hands-on with my schooling. School was my domain, just like their office was theirs.
I think the pressure was greater on moms in those days; but my mom developed a brilliant strategy. Whenever she received “that tone,” she would say “why don’t you call their father?” To which they would sputter, “well, I would never want to bother him!” And (if they still didn’t get it) my mom would ask why there was a difference between hounding a working mom versus a working dad?
Unless my kids have significant difficulties in school, I don’t plan on trying to “be there” except on very special occasions. I will make the effort up-front to help my kids learn how to manage their own school responsibilities, friendships, etc.
I do advocate more effective communications between parents and teachers. With email, I don’t understand why these communications should be affected by the schedule of a working mom. I have heard many teachers and parents state that they welcome e-mail communication; yet I still hear many complaints about misunderstandings, delays in communicating important things, etc.
I’d also love to take my kids’ teacher out for coffee just to chat about my educational philosophy, the teacher’s philosophy, what makes my kids unique (from my perspective and hers), etc. I’d be willing to pay for her time on a Saturday if necessary. Do others feel this is a workable idea?
SKL | August 19th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
I understand why some women feel GUILTY about working and not staying home for their children but frankly it’s silly to feel that way. I don’t feel guilty about working (as a dad) and I don’t think my wife feels guilty about working either. It’s a life choice and kids adjust. Women should just get over their guilt.
My son is in the first grade and I’ve taken him to the first day of school the last two years. I also went on two field trips with his class last year (they had six for the year), went to a class party at Christmas and Halloween, brought cupcakes for his bday, gone to each parent-teacher conference and went to a couple other night time meetings. I also take him to school in the morning and pick him up after I finish working, take him to swimming and karate and coach his soccer and baseball teams. I also work late at times to make up for time missed or I will take time off if needed. I know the names of most of the children in his class last year and am learning the names of the kids in his class now. Most of the kids know me by sight because I actually talk to kids when I pick up my son instead of ignoring them like most parents.
Parents should do what they can. If you feel guilty, it’s YOUR ISSUE not your kid’s issue. Just make the best of the time you do have with your kids.
Glenn | August 19th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
My kids’ teachers are very accommodating and they love email. Also, our principal is a working mom too so that helps! One thing that I try to do is offer up something that I can do. I’m a lawyer, so I email my kids’ teachers early in the year and offer to come in to talk to the students on Constitution Day or during Law Week. I’ve also helped draft a proposal the school needed to make to the School Board and I’m on board to argue that proposal during the next meeting.
Glenn has a good point. My husband’s schedule is much more flexible and would actually accommodate all the volunteering that we moms feel guilty about not doing. But, he simply doesn’t want to do it. And he doesn’t feel guilty about that at all. Sometimes I think I just need to adopt that type of attitude.
Ree | August 19th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
Glenn - I certainly didn’t imply that it was my kids’ issue. At all.
Everyone else - email! I forgot to mention that! My son’s teacher last year wasn’t a big email user and I really noticed a difference from previous years when I was in regular contact with teachers via email.
SKL - I think most teachers would welcome the idea of a free breakfast.
Miss Britt | August 20th, 2009 at 7:22 am
Thank you so much for that!!! Our daycare is really good at laying on the guilt and it might not even be directed at me, but I still feel it! I’m glad I’m not the only one who “makes up” in other ways (I made lunch for all the teachers last year - I’m thinking breakfast this year!).
Jennifer | August 20th, 2009 at 8:02 am
SKL, I wasn’t actually directing any of my comments at you. I skimmed your comment but didn’t really read it. However, if you felt my comments were directed at you…
Glenn | August 20th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
Glenn, I think your most recent comment was for Miss Britt and not for me.
SKL | August 20th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
I will take off work if it is something that really matters to me/her/school but I also try to remember, just as work is not my WHOLE life, school is not her’s. Two years ago I took significant amounts of time off of work because I was on a committee that required a lot of time but was crucial to the continued health of the school (though I did notice, that as soon as a number of dads joined the committee the discusssed 3:30 meetings suddenly moved to 5:30!)
But usually I decide that schools need time & money and I am more able to supply the latter than some families. I can’t be the web master as it requires weekly meetings with the principal, but I can proof read it. I can’t go to all the 3pm PTA meetings but I can go to fundraising meetings (held at night because of community involvement). I can’t be the classroom reading aide but I can purchase books from the teacher’s wish list.
Mich | August 21st, 2009 at 12:38 pm
My apologies SKL, you are absolutely right. Thanks for the correction.
Glenn | August 21st, 2009 at 12:44 pm
I’m lucky in three ways.
1) my daughter’s school seems to understand that parents work, and has opportunities for after-work engagement (because you know DADS can get involved at school too) and non-face-time engagement with the school and class
2) I work 5 minutes from her school.
3) I have a flexible boss who is also a parent.
I pay my dues for PTA but don’t go to meetings. I donate an auction item for the PTA silent auction. I make a monthly monetary contribution to the PTA.
Last year, I volunteered to run the Valentine’s Day party, which was a half-day out of my vacation pot and totally made me cool mom in my kiddo’s eyes. I also volunteered during the book fair to read to the kids for an hour after lunch.
Her dad? Does nothing of this. However, he’s now engaged to an elem school teacher, so I suspect when the asks come home, she’ll get him involved.
lynn @ human, being | August 21st, 2009 at 3:08 pm
My feeling is not “guilt”; it’s being resentful! Feeling guilty, to me, sounds more like I prefer my job more than my kids (because I like my job so much). But, I actually resent the fact that I HAVE to work full time to support my family. I resent the fact that my husband doesn’t make enough money so I can be a stay-at-home Mom and attend all those morning PTA meetings or even get a manicure @ 1pm.
I thought that a doctorate degree and a six-figure salary would set me for life. Well, they have not! I’m still searching…
I guess the best thing I can teach my children is to find and pursue their true passion. If they find that, they will probably survive my not being there at their every field trip. And for me, I’m going after my true passion…just as soon as I find it; because feeling guilty is a lot better than feeling resentful
Art | August 22nd, 2009 at 2:47 am
I don’t have the issue yet, but my work schedule allows me the flexivility to be involved down the road. I do have my own mother’s experience though. She worked full time on the night shift at the ER and still managed to be on the PTA, bake cookies, help us with projects, make our Halloween costumes for school parades, volunteer as a band parent (one of my brothers was in drum corps and marching band and my sister was color guard), make almost all of our games and our recitals.
I figure if she can work from 5 pm to 6 am, be home by 7am, get her sleep in and still do that, she probably had some very good time management skills.
But, I work until 3pm (here by 6am) and already plan to be on the PTA, attend recitals or whatever our daughter decides to get involved in, bake and help with projects. It’s what we do as parents. It’s the other full time job.
Phe | August 24th, 2009 at 11:06 am