with Britt Reints
Forget the 9 to 5; Full Time, All the Time is a blog about the mobile working life - when you have the freedom to work from anywhere and the responsibility of always having your smartphone turned on. Britt Reints works as a freelance writer while traveling fulltime in an RV with her husband and two kids. She explores balancing real-life bills with an unconventional work life, and finding time to maintain relationships with family and friends.
You can also find Britt at InPursuitOfHappiness.net.
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Even though we are not legally married, my partner and I often refer to each other as husband or wife. We never correct new friends or co-workers when they assume that a couple with a child and a mortgage payment would be a legally married couple. For all intentions and purposes, we are married. We just chose to not get legally married.
As a career woman, those who assume that we are married don’t think twice about me having my “maiden name.” And that’s okay. I don’t mind when people assume we are married. I don’t mind being called a wife. I love Neville as a wife loves her husband.
But there is one part of this whole “married, but unmarried” lifestyle that I never considered. What will I choose to be called as a mother?
Our son has his father’s last name just as I have my father’s last name. But since Neville and I aren’t married, I wonder what I am supposed to be called?
Am I Ms. Roark? Miss Roark? Mrs. Roark? Mrs. <insert Neville’s last name here>?
The first time my pediatrician called to check on our newborn son, he asked for “Mrs. <Neville’s Last Name>.” Without skipping a beat, I told him he had the wrong number and hung up. I didn’t even think that the person on the other line could be looking for me. And boy was it embarrassing to have to pick up the phone a minute later and talk to a flustered doc who probably thought this new mother was crazy.
With my godson and goddaughter, I have always been Auntie Robyn. After some negotiating with the pediatrician, I am Mrs. <Neville’s Last Name>. At work… well, who calls anybody by anything other than a first name at work these days?
And for those of you who think that children no longer need to use the formal Mr/Miss/Ms/Mrs anymore, just this week I’ve been called with a Miss or Mrs in by five separate families. I have his kindergarten teachers thoroughly confused. I sign everything with my legal name. But then I told all the kids to call me Mrs. <Neville’s Last Name>. I thought it would be easier for the kids to call me the same name that they use for Darius.
Nowadays, it isn’t uncommon for women to keep their maiden name when they do get married. Even if Neville and I had chosen a traditional path, I still would have kept my last name. It’s my name. It’s a part of my identity. And, yes, the feminist in me thinks the whole name-changing thing is stupid when you consider the origins of the tradition.
So even if we were married, I still would be struggling with my formal name.
When I hung out with a mom-friend this week, her daughter kept calling me “Darius’ Mom.” I’m thinking that’s what I’ll stick with until I figure this whole thing out.
Photo credit: Ana Garza
Notice how men don’t have this problem? Oy.
I never use Mrs. even though I’m married. It has always sounded like a possessive of Mister to me. I mean, there is no “r” in Missus, but there is one in Mister, right? I use Ms. when I have to, my first name otherwise.
My son will call his friends’ parents Ms. Gail or something like that. Maybe you could just be Ms. Robyn.
Finn | December 7th, 2009 at 11:28 am
I agree with using your first name, with your choice of address in front of it - be it auntie, Miss, Mrs., whatever. I personally don’t like the idea of little kids calling grown-ups by their first name alone, and I wouldn’t encourage my kids to do that. So for people who don’t specify, I teach my kids to say “Aunt/Uncle Firstname” for an adult friend or “Miss/Mr. Firstname” for someone in a special position of authority.
The teachers at my kids’ school either call my by my first name or Mrs. Lastname, depending on how well they know me. I do have the same last name as my kids, so that is not an issue for us.
SKL | December 7th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
You raise a good point. I didnt think of this untill you mentioned. Hmm. I am married, but have kept my last name, my miaden name. My daughter’s last name is her father’s. Here is goes: SD married to GN/ Daughter is VD. So far so good. I am sure in the coming years, i will face a similar problem. Since, i am not Mrs N. That’s maiden name! I am Ms. GN, however i am married, so the Ms. is misleading. So that leaved Mrs. GD… Confused??? No one at least professionally know me like that. Let me know when you figure it out. Will be helpful!
GNSD | December 7th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
My son has his father’s last name and I have my maiden name. I get called everything and answer to most of it…The kids in my son’s 1st grade class call me Ms. Vicky, or G’s Mommy. I’m from the South so Miss Vicky is a common thing.
Dr. and Dentist (and other appointments) cause problems, because either they can’t find one of the charts, or they try to bill it with the wrong last name. My son with my maiden name or me with my son’s last name. Even my current partner (not my son’s father) gets called Mr. Son’s last name.
Its crazy sometimes.
Vicky | December 7th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
While I can’t help you now, I have solved this potential problem for myself already:
I am going to keep my last name but use it as an inital in my name and be a formal Mrs.
Happy title searching!
Bre | December 7th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
My mother often struggled with a similar problem, as I had her maiden name, but she later got re-married and changed her name. She mostly just went with whatever kids called her (even as late as high school, friends of mine were calling her by my last name) but would generally correct adults. One of my friends took to fondly calling her Mrs. Kelley’s Mom, so maybe something along those lines is your best bet, find a nickname for yourself, and make it widespread?
Kelley | December 7th, 2009 at 7:46 pm
I kept my name when I got married. My kids have both my last name and my husband’s (no hyphen); my stepkids have just my husband’s last name. I routinely get called Mrs. [husband's last name], and if it’s a child I don’t correct them. If it’s an adult, I just ask them to call me Lylah, and it’s fine.
But I’m most definitely a “Ms.” I stopped being a “Miss” when I started paying my own bills, and even though I’m married, I’ve never thought of myself as a Mrs. I do think it’s hilarious when my husband gets called “Mr. Alphonse,” though!
Lylah | December 7th, 2009 at 10:03 pm
I respond to Mrs. V, Mrs. D, Ms. D, Ms. V, C’s Mommy, and a various other batch of names depending on the situation.
Now the hilarity? I’ve had someone call our house asking for Mr. D. I ask “so do you want my Dad or my husband” and they say okay we want “Nathan”. “Again, do you want my Dad or my husband, as they have the same name?” Okay…”Nathan Robert”. “Again, do you want my Dad or my husband?” (I’m the daughter of NRD. I am the wife of NRV.)
CV | December 8th, 2009 at 7:51 am
In the South they do the cute thing of Miss First Name… But I do see your delimma. Though what of divorced parents, with more than one last name in the household. That gets tricky too. You raise a very interesting question. Great post
Lin | December 9th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
Good post. In my opinion, your situation is much like a divorcee in that what if she does or doesn’t give up her name?
I like to let folks call me what feels most comfortable for them because in my world that is what its all about.
Some women challenge that. I always offer my first name and then let if flow from there. I never dropped my ex-husband’s name but sometimes people assume and refer to my maiden name.
Same sex couples who have changed their names must find this a challenge as well.
Good Luck!
Houseonahillorg | December 10th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
I don’t see the confusion here, at school you are “Darius’s mom”
Brian has it easy, he’s Coach Brian. I am Nicole, Mrs Pelton, K’s and D’s mom, and the most recent one which is quite common, Coach Brian’s wife
since way more people know him than me.
Nicole | December 10th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
You’re right. The traditional path is arbitrary and sort of worn-out. What should matter is the relationship between two people and their chidren.
Evan | December 10th, 2009 at 1:41 pm