with Britt Reints
Forget the 9 to 5; Full Time, All the Time is a blog about the mobile working life - when you have the freedom to work from anywhere and the responsibility of always having your smartphone turned on. Britt Reints works as a freelance writer while traveling fulltime in an RV with her husband and two kids. She explores balancing real-life bills with an unconventional work life, and finding time to maintain relationships with family and friends.
You can also find Britt at InPursuitOfHappiness.net.
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Women have discussed at length the merits of being a working mom. Most of us are familiar with the myriad of reasons that mothers work when their children are young and there’s no need to rehash what has already been discussed and decided:
It’s the best choice for many of us.
However, I’ve become much more aware recently of what I tell my kids about why I work.
Now that I’m working from home, my children see me working on most days when they get home from school. I’m fortunate to be able to take time here and there to share a snack, give them extra hugs, or talk to them about their days in the afternoon, but inevitably I have to get back to my desk and my work.
“Mommy has to work,” might be the most common phrase uttered in our home right now, second only to “mommy is working” and “I love you.” It’s not much different than the “mommy has to go to work” explanation for why I couldn’t attend midday school events when I was working outside of the home; the potential interpretations are certainly the same.
I cringe every time I hear myself say “mommy has to work” because I’m afraid of what my kids are really hearing. I’m most afraid that they’ll remember:
Mommy has to work - she has no choice.
OR
Mommy’s work is more important than this/you.
Neither of those things is true.
The truth is that I choose to work, and I specifically choose to work from home as a writer. Certainly money is a necessity in our world, but the expense of our lifestyle and the manner in which I earn my living are choices. It’s important to me to own those choices for myself and for my children to know that they have that power in their own lives when they get older.
Of course, if I focus on the fact that I’m choosing to work I face another perception issue. I can’t expect them to understand the subtle difference between choosing to put work ahead of them right this moment and choosing work over them. Balance, boundaries and priorities are difficult concepts for adults to master; I can’t begin to imagine how I’d make sense of them to my 6 and 11 year old.
And yet, it’s important to me to try.
I’m trying to have age-appropriate conversations with my kids about why I work. I’m trying to tie the work I do with the experiences we enjoy as a family later. I try to say things like, “if I want to go for a bike ride with you after dinner, I need to finish working on this article now.” I might also talk about how I am using the money from working for things like food, clothes, and our big trip around the country. Sometimes I worry that the explanations are going over their heads, but I feel compelled to keep offering them.
I know the argument could easily be made that I’m over thinking things. Perhaps I am making this a little more complicated than it needs to be. But when my kid asks why I can’t play a game with her right now, I want her to hear something better than “mommy has to work.” I don’t want her to grow up thinking work is a necessary evil or that work is the thing that prevents us from doing what we want. I want to empower them to believe that they have choices and that work can be a passion.
And I want them to know that their mom loved them even more than she loved her work.
i so struggle with that too. i feel like all i say to the boys is mommy is working or i have to work. it’s really hard to juggle working and writing from home - when the kids are home too. thanks for this post, i think i don’t say to them ‘hey lets do something when mommy is done’ enough. something i should do more.
liza | March 2nd, 2011 at 1:26 pm
I think you underestimate kids, provided that they have a good amount of self steem (and from what I’ve read from your blog they do plenty), they will understand what you mean. Specially considering that they see an effort in you to accomodate them into your work day.
I remember mom wasn’t around much when I was growing up, but I also remember even though it made me sad sometimes, I knew she had to do it, and even if she couldn’t make it to school activities, I knew she wanted to and tried to as much as she could.
And the memories of her being -or even trying, i.e. coming late- there are many more than the thought of the opposite. In fact, what stuck with me most was that work translated into things to have or do, and without one there wasn’t the other.. also why I couldn’t have what I wished for sometimes. Bottom line, when they grow up, all good kids realise how hard mom worked to provide aaaall the things they had growing up
pocket_queen | March 2nd, 2011 at 2:21 pm
.. and are immensely grateful for it!
pocket_queen | March 2nd, 2011 at 2:23 pm
I’m fortunate to have had a working mom, so I have an idea of how my kids might take my working. Personally, I never thought that it was a negative thing that my mom worked. (Even though I knew some of my classmates’ moms thought it was kinda sad.) My mom was never one to apologize to her kids. This was just the way it was.
I also remember times when Mom was washing the kitchen floor. And there were many things I might have wanted to do - with my mom or in the kitchen - that just had to wait. And that was just life. Somehow folks see the kitchen floor constraint as different from the work deadline constraint. I don’t.
Now to explain to my kids why I work - this is a little abstract for a preschooler, but I agree it is important to lay the groundwork. For one thing, they need to understand money. This is harder nowadays in a world of credit cards and online payments. Somehow the hour I spend tapping on keys and squinting at my computer screen results in an emailed spreadsheet that justifies an invoice that will eventually increase the bank balance and enable me to pay my credit card bill. And that is the reason I can put gas in my car, buy a museum membership, and provide a modest picnic dinner so we can have a meaningful evening together tonight. I don’t think they really understand this, but they are learning.
I also think it’s important that they take it for granted that one day, they too will spend much of their days working. I often point out that they can have x or y someday, if they work very hard. Kinda like, when you are 16 and pass the driver’s test, you can drive a car.
And I think it’s a good thing to show kids that the stuff we do for work can be enjoyable and fulfilling. I remember my mom taking college courses at night when I was a little thing. She’d come home looking so happy, and I loved that. It never entered my mind that I should be sad that it wasn’t me making her happy at those moments. When I have a significant success at work, I share it with my kids, and even take them to our celebration dinners. I point out the building we recently bought and how it’s being fixed up for beneficial purposes. They seem happy to be included and they enjoy cheering the business on.
SKL | March 2nd, 2011 at 3:41 pm
SKL - I love the concept of kitchen floor constraint & work constraint. Neither is more important to us than our children but some things have to be done at certain times.
Having just had a bout of unemployment, my child got what she professed was her wish “mommy at home”. I wasn’t a complete stress bunny as I had a severance package and I was able to do job hunt stuff mostly when she was at school. But I thought, hey, I can pick her up early some days (left her in the aftercare to save our spot as I was confident I’d get another position in the new year), we can do things.
But when I picked her up early from school one day - oh the horror! And over winter break, why couldn’t she just go to camp? (one of the unnecessary expenses) It wasn’t like we did nothing, we saw lights, I let her take a kids cooking class she was dying to take that we can’t normally do as it is during the time I’m at work, but toward the end of the second week, it was “when do I get to go back to school?” Asked now if she likes it better when mommy is home or mommy is working, it is a very firm “when mommy is working!”
I think in some ways it was a grass is always greener on the other side issue for her. Some kids had moms at home, she wondered what that would be like. She’s now had the opportunity to see both sides.
Mich | March 2nd, 2011 at 6:10 pm
Thank you for this post. I haven’t heard, “Why do you have to go to work?” in a long time from my 6 or 3yos, but I think next time I do, I will try to really explain it to them in a way they understand. And I like the idea of SKL sharing her work successes with her kids. That’s awesome. I think too often our kids (at least mine) see that I’m tired from work, and hear their dad and me talking about a boring or frustrating day.
One thing I love is when my daughter (the 3yo) plays dress up with a purse and a big bag, and tells her dolls she has to go to work. I think it’s cute she wants to be like mommy.
el-e-e | March 3rd, 2011 at 7:41 am