Full Time, All the Time
with Britt and Robyn
I'm Britt. I work full time as a mom, wife, blogger and salesperson with a fancy management title. And I'm Robyn. I work as a project manager and between corporate meetings manage to cook a home-made meal every day. This blog is about our experiences of juggling full-time work with family.
Check out our personal blogs:
Miss Britt and Who's the Boss?
Let me preface this entire post by saying I am not in a hurry to desert, neglect or in any way harm my child. Seriously.
I love my kids.
Please don’t send me hate mail.
Now that that’s out of the way, when can I leave my oldest son home by himself?
He’s nine years old. I can’t imagine him remembering to brush his teeth on his own, let alone being left inside the house for longer than it takes me to get the mail. So it surprised me when he began hounding me about it this summer.
“Can’t I just come home after school?”
“Why can’t I just stay here by myself?”
“When will you let me stay home alone?”
I have no idea how to answer that. I’m trying to remember when I began staying home alone, although realistically I was probably never really home alone because I had two younger brothers. I suppose that means I was home alone with two small children to care for, but I must have been more mature than my son. Or something. Because there is no way on God’s green earth that I would leave him home to babysit his little sister at any point in the near future.
Would I?
I suppose it stands to reason that at some point he’ll be old enough to stay home without a parent. Presumably he won’t head off to college without ever having been in charge of himself for a few hours at a time.
But when? How soon is too soon?
According to the National SAFEKIDS campaign, the recommended age is 12 or older. Many states have their own guidelines in place, ranging from as young as 8 to as old as 14 in Illinois. But I was surprised to find that many states have no laws or regulations on leaving kids home alone. In fact my own state, Florida, has no laws or guidelines in place.
It’s like they expect me to parent based on my own intuition and knowledge of my children!
For now, my son is going to have to live with the dreaded “I don’t know” and “we’ll see” responses to his badgering. I have no way of knowing when he’ll mature or when I’ll feel comfortable that he’s ready to handle being home alone.
What I do know for sure is “not right now”.
Photo by Wetsun
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My son turned twelve last July and I can tell you that twelve seems to be the magical age.
A couple of months leading up to his twelfth birthday, my husband and I left him alone for up to an hour at a time to run simple errands around town or go to dinner. Never for more than two hours. It was good practice. Not only for him but for us.
I’ve also found that it’s much easier to put them in charge of something while you are away. Such as a sibling. We do everything using the “buddy system” around here and it works! It puts the older one in charge of something and makes them accountable.
Peggy | January 14th, 2009 at 6:49 am
Because I always had older and younger siblings, I don’t know when we started getting left home alone. I do know that my mom would leave me (8), my sister (9) and my brother (12) home alone for a few hours while she went grocery shopping. She nice and took the younger two with her and I have no clue where the older two were.
Sheila (Charm School Reject) | January 14th, 2009 at 9:47 am
I am in Florida also and I am pretty sure that in Florida the child has to be in Middle school before he/she can be left home alone. I think that is why many of the camps in the summers and school breaks are from the ages 5-12. Although I may be wrong.
Mindy | January 14th, 2009 at 11:08 am
My 12 year old can be home for about 3 hours with no issues. We started out small, when he was 10. Letting him have 15 - 30 minutes at a time, while I went to a neighbors, or to the corner market. He always had the phone, so he could call my cell. Now he is pestering me to babysit his little brother and sister ( 10 & 8), so we are giving him small amounts of time to watch them.
Crazy Lady in Vegas | January 14th, 2009 at 11:57 am
I *think* the law in California is age 10 they can be home alone for short periods of time not supervising other children, age 12 they can “babysit” for a certain length of time. Really it depends on the maturity of the child. I think that, occasionally for about an hour, 10 is okay if the kid can handle it. Every day after school would make me very nervous, though, even for a 12 year old.
Robyn | January 14th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
Oops. I’m wrong. California does not have a law. I wonder where I heard that?
Robyn | January 14th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
My mom had to work, so my brother and I were home by ourselves after school at seven and eight, I think. I could cook and do laundry by nine. It didn’t seem like a big deal at the time, but it seems young to me.
I can’t imagine leaving Lil’ M at home by himself for more than a quick trip to the grocery store. If that. A couple more years, I think. That’d put him around 12.
Finn | January 14th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
according to my son’s school, kids after the age of 10 can walk home by themselves. I say if they can walk home by themselves, they can stay at home by themselves.
How about starting with 30 minutes at a time, so you could get comfortable.
vera babayeva | January 14th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
Britt, I faced the same thing last year. My kids are 11 and 9. 11 will be 12 in April. Still, they did not want to have a babysitter every day after school. We decided to test the waters. If it were just my 9 year old I would say no because she isn’t mature enough to stay alone for 20 minutes, let alone an hour or two. My 11 year old has been begging to be left alone for a year now. It started with baby steps. Leaving her alone while I went to the store or gas station. One hour turned into two hours and so on. I felt more comfortable each time and then it was time to let them be at home after school from 4 until I got there at 6:30. They’ve adjusted. They call and check in with me when they first get home and then I call on my way home an hour later. We don’t let them stay at home alone at night though. Something about that doesn’t feel right I suppose.
Mostly, it call came down to their maturity level at the time. I think your boy, from what I’ve read on your blog, he would be okay to start with the small trips. See how that goes.
I must add though that I have a small comfort zone in my neighbors. Directly across our street is a retired couple who adore my kids, on either side of them are families with kids who go to school with mine and their mom’s are home after school. Directly next to me is another stay at home grandma who lives with her son and his children. I would be lying if I said I’d feel okay leaving my kids alone if I didn’t have these people who I know and trust would help out in a lurch.
Usedtobeme | January 14th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
10 seems to be the magic number, at least for a limited amount of time by themselves. 12 seems to be the magic number for babysitting. I think at 10 most kids (not all) are ready to be comfortable alone as well as understand what to do if there is a problem. I’d hope that if I had a sitter they had been alone for some time so that they are comfortable with that before watching my kids. As for 12 as babysitting, that’s when the babysitting courses start.
I was 10 when I stayed home alone and 12 when I began babysitting. So, maybe I’m biased.
Michele | January 14th, 2009 at 8:15 pm
In my state, I believe the law is 13 to supervise younger kids, 12 otherwise. This law was not in place when I was young. My mom and dad both worked outside the home, so beginning at ages 4, 6, 8, and 10, we older 4 were left “alone” for a short time before school and 2-3 hours after school. Within a couple of years, we were also preparing dinner before our parents got home. When my kid brother was big enough to sit and eat baby food, he was my responsibility after school (sitter left as soon as I got home). I was 9 then. My first paid babysitting job was when I was 10. I don’t think any of that was a mistake, except that my parents underestimated the extent of my oldest brother’s worldliness. A much older neighbor girl was teaching him “things” and he passed some of the knowledge along to his younger siblings. My parents were totally in the dark, so they didn’t take some precautions they probably should have taken.
My kids are too young for me to think of leaving them alone yet, but I think age 9-10 would be OK for girls, unless they are immature. I will have to study up on the law to find out just how much independence I can legally give them.
SKL | January 15th, 2009 at 1:38 am
I would suggest starting small and tying freedom to responsibility.
ie, you can stay at home after school if you can prepare and clean up after a healthy snack.
You can try smaller test runs that don’t require you to make changes in your established care like. I’m going to the store, I need you to do “x” while I’m gone please. I’ll be back in an hour.
Monica | January 15th, 2009 at 11:52 am
My oldest son is 10, very mature, and we live in a safe neighborhood where we know all the neighbors. We occasionally let him stay home alone for 30 mintues or so.
Try short, safe times that he can be alone…you can probably even do this now. My husband and I sometimes take walks around the neighborhood and leave my 10 year old in charge of my 7 year old. We are in the neighborhood with a cell phone…so he’s not really “alone”…but he feels grown up and he’s learning to show us that he’s responsible enough to be home alone on his own.
I would imagine that next year (11 and in the 5th grade) he’ll be able to be home at least one afternoon a week.
Sooooo….I guess it depends on your kid and your situation….
Karla E. | January 15th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
I have nine kids…….It really depends on the childs temperment and their maturity. I started leaving my older girls for a half hour between 7 and 9 years of age. They were responsible and new how to use the phone. My boys didn’t want to be home alone or watch sibblings and they were not left alone until between 10 and 12… My younger kids were between 10 and 11.
I really believe that you have to know your kids and their maturity. Don’t leave them home alone against your better judgement even if their friends are staying home alone. Same goes for camps.
My older kids were ready to stay over night at a camp between 10 and11, but one of my kids was not ready for and over night until she was 13. I don’t believe in pushing………… All kids grow up at their own speed.
Debbie | January 15th, 2009 at 10:42 pm
Hi Miss Britt,
I have to say, you got my curiosity up, so I checked it out in my state, Tx.. I was very surprised to find out that we are one of the states that has NO law about the age to leave children alone by themselves. At least, if we do, it hasn’t been updated on the chart I found online.
In my opinion, I think you’re doing good. I have 2 boys, ages 16 and 17. If you asked them, they’d say I’m overprotective! I’m in a learning process, of trying not to be so much that way… I come by it honestly though.
When I was young, I was a ‘latchkey’ kid… HATED IT!!!!!!! I believe I was in 1st grade (and maybe even the last semester of Kinder.) when I started staying by myself. I wore a key on a long chain around my neck, hidden, of course, so no one would know I would be by myself. I remember my dad spending time outside our front door trying to teach me NOT to open the door for ’strangers’. (I can kind of also recall that at this time, he was having to teach me what a ’stranger’ was). I remember he’d knock, I’d open, OR he’d knock, I would remember to say ‘who is it’, he’d tell me ’so-n-so’, and THEN I’d open the door… We went thru all this quite a few times, you can imagine.
One difference between my story and the others who have posted is that I think most, if not all of them, had someone there with them. Now whether or not they were old enough to babysit a younger sibling may still be debatable, but I know from my experience, I again HATED being home by myself at that age.
I am the oldest (only child though, from divorced parents) of 4 siblings. I did have one younger brother at that time, and he went to a nursery/daycare. When we were older, we did stay home together. When he started staying with me, I was in 6th grade(and, I was on the young side with my birthday falling in the summer), so I would have been 11 years old. He’s 3 years younger, so he would have been 8. I didn’t go asking to stay home and babysit him, but I didn’t have a choice. We were given explicit rules, however, of what we could and could not do, and I think I was pretty responsible at that age, just because I had stayed home for so long by myself already.
Sorry this has turned out to be so long…I just know that I didn’t like that, didn’t want that for my kids, so that was one of the things I was determined to change about has my boys were raised. ( You know, the whole thing phsycologists have said our whole lives about if you know there’s something in your childhood you didn’t like, change it with your kids!) Anyway, I probably didn’t start leaving mine alone until they were 14. Mine have birthdays that fall later, so at 14, they were still in the 8th grade. I know I didn’t at all when they were 12 and in the 6th grade.
I think it’s a GREAT question to put out here for discussion. After all, it’s all about the protection of our children that matter!!!!!!!
Joelle Niedecken | January 15th, 2009 at 11:59 pm
Hello again! LOL …as if the last one wasn’t long enough, right?!! :o) I did want to add that these are just my opinion, as is everyone elses who posted. I hope I didn’t make any one mad when I said that I didn’t leave mine at home alone at 12 and in the 6th grade. Granted, that’s where some of my ‘overprotectiveness’ probably comes in, but at the same time, we all do what we can how we think we should, and if we don’t know, seek counsel from others, which is a good thing!!
**Also, one the being the ‘older’ sibling at home…I don’t know if your parents if did this or not, but I hated being told, ‘but you’re older, you should have known better’… PLEASE DON’T DO THAT TO YOUR CHILDREN!! I’ve come to realize over the years that that puts too much pressure on that ‘older’ child who is STILL a CHILD themselves, and it just takes away some sense of them getting to BE a child. God bless everyone!!!!!!! :o)
Joelle Niedecken | January 16th, 2009 at 12:06 am
I’m a proud mom of 4 ranging in age from 9 to almost 19 years old. I’ve found over the years it has very much depended on the individual maturity level of the child and the average age being 12, but even then this would be daylight hours and for short intervals only. I find 13 - 15 is the age when you can start allowing more home alone time, but again what you may find comfortable doing with your 13 year old, you’d never dream of being happy allowing with your 15 year old.
Now my 9 year old daughter is very level headed, probably a little to do with having all older siblings and there is occasionally a time when I’m running errands and she beats me home from school, however she knows to immediately call my cell phone and is usually home only a matter of minutes before I get there and I’m there on the phone with her letting her know where exactly I am in regards to home so that she’s knows I am on my way. Even for such short periods she has had it taught to her, not to answer a call unless she see my number on caller id, never to play outside and never to answer the door if I’m late getting home.
I could never imagine a time when I’d deliberately leave my 9 year old home alone for any period of time, but I do recall being left home alone for long periods of time from at least age 7 or 8 when I was a child, so I guess parents are a lot more cautious nowadays than they were back in the 70’s when I was growing up. I also admit that my older children constantly accused me of being ‘overprotective’ on numerous occasions and told me that I was much to restrictive in comparison to their friends parents, so maybe my thinking isn’t the norm.
Louise | January 18th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
Wow, great discussion. My oldest is 9 and it has occurred to me in passing when would be old enough for him to stay home by himself for just a short period of time - - say, to run over the the grocery store or whatever - - though I would NOT leave him alone with his 6 year old sister. She could get into enough trouble for the both of htem. He is very responsible and would probably just read a book the whole time (though he would be tempted to play his DS the whole time, despite rules screens). I’m reading all of the comments with great interest.
Elaine at Lipstickdaily | January 19th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
My son was ready to be left alone for short bouts (10-15 minutes) at age 8. I’ll now leave him for up to an hour or so, as long as I’m close by. We’ve role-played a number of scenarios, he knows what is permitted and what isn’t, and we generally have several neighbors at home (and, of course, I have a cellphone). I’ve left him with his younger sister once or twice when I was running to the corner store for milk or something like that, but never for anything more than about 10 minutes. For my son, he’s almost always left while I take my daughter to dance class - it’s pure torture for him to have to sit through that, and it’s a privilege to be allowed to stay home and do his homework.
It really depends on the kid, though. I know plenty of kids older than him who are afraid to be at home alone, or are too irresponsible. My son acted extremely irresponsibly one day last spring (while I was home) and he lost the privilege of staying home alone until he re-earned my trust, which took a month.
a mom in ma | January 19th, 2009 at 6:49 pm
A takeoff on your original question. My sons are 10 and 15. They will be 11 and 16 this summer. They did stay home for a couple of hours after school around 8 and 13. This year my 10yo has been staying staying home by himself since his brother is staying after school for sports and he doesnt want to go to aftercare. We have a retired couple next door who love my boys and a Nurse on maturnity leave across the street. So no problems so far. What can I do this summer however?
The 16yo will have his license and wants to work this summer. My younger son hated summer daycare last summer. He was the oldest by far. But leaving an 11 yo alone all day during the summer is asking for trouble. Summer camps only take up a small amount of time. Shipping him off for a few weeks for away summer camp doesnt fit our budget nor do I think I could stand something like that. Any ideas.
Lissa | January 19th, 2009 at 8:57 pm
Hey Lissa,
Maybe you can talk with a couple of your 11 year olds friend’s parents. Maybe one or more of them wouldn’t mind your son hanging out with them a little during the summer. Maybe they’d offer everyday. If not, though, then make plans with whichever parents are willing; then you’ll have it narrowed down to at least a lesser # of days to be concerned about. With the neighbors you have, maybe you could talk with them (and it sounds like you probably already have), and let them know when your son will be home alone (if you decide to leave him there some alone), if your job permits, run home each day on lunch and call often. Maybe it would end up being just 1 day a week or something. Have you tried the YMCA or Boys and Girls Club or something along those lines in your area? Those could be another option. Hope any of these help.
Joelle | January 20th, 2009 at 11:42 pm
It is certainly convenient to leave a child alone at home for various periods of time, but I don’t recommend it. I teach our children the importance of being around others, and going places with others or simply being where there are people present, just as I teach them that quiet time alone (but not totally isolated) is beneficial. So from our perspective, it’s really a matter of life skills and a “safety first” mindframe. Since both our kids understand the safety issue, there hasn’t been any conflict over staying home alone. I leave the two home together, they are ages 15 and 13 (starting with small periods of time and working up to a few hours). This may seen ridiculously protective, but I wish my mother had been more protective of me. Also something to think about: Though some of you may want to leave children in the company of a male babysitter, I don’t recommend it at all for any reason, no matter how trustworthy, or how innocent the sitter seems to be. Some things aren’t worth going through, even once.
BB | February 3rd, 2009 at 2:13 am
Its usually at the ages of 13 and some 16
Joshua Cohen | February 15th, 2009 at 9:44 am
I think this is a child by child determination, but we need to be careful not to be ruled by hysteria. You hear so many parents lament about how dangerous it is for their child to play in their own yard much less, God forbid, walk down the street to a neighbor’s house.
It’s not a more dangerous world than the one we grew up in, according to crime rate statistics, it is now officially SAFER to be a child now than it was when we were kids. The bigger risk to our children’s safety, IMO is in not teaching them to be competent from an earlier age.
Carrie | May 14th, 2009 at 1:22 am
When we moved an hour away from our jobs to buy a home, in Washington State, we had to sacrifice paying for childcare for our two older boys. At that time, they were 11 and 9. We do live in a safe neighborhood with a culdesac and a yard, with plenty to keep them busy during the day when not in school. On top of chores, and the daily homework from school, they stay pretty busy. It’s been a year now, and they have been doing pretty well aside from the weekly argument or issue, but I’m always available by phone for them to call, and I have some friends close by who can check on them in an emergency. It was hard for me to decide what was best, but I made a leap of faith and it has worked out so far. It keeps getting better the older they get too. I think it has made them more self sufficient and responsible as well. We have a 5 year old who still goes to daycare down the street, and I’ll feel so much better when we don’t have to pay so much for his childcare as well. We used to pay $1,200 a month for childcare, and it killed us financially for a long time.
I stay in touch with teachers, neighbors, and friends, so that I always know what is going on since I can’t be home all day.
Lura H. | June 4th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
how old do ur kids have to be to babysit
messie | November 1st, 2009 at 9:55 am
how old do u leave ur kids alone at home and do u let them babysit ??????
messie | November 1st, 2009 at 9:56 am
I do not think there is a law in Arkansas about leaving a child home alone. However, I started with the small time incriments when my oldest was 11 years old. Now he can stay home on spring breaks while I work. Now his little brother is hounding me to leave him home alone. He is 8. I know he is capable. I just worry about the “what if’s”. Am I just too paranoid? He would just play playstation while I am gone anyway. He stays with his brother at times now.
Patrice | November 10th, 2009 at 6:27 am