Oh, this time of year is so troublesome when it comes to the many, many invitations to the various holiday soirées one must choose from, is it not? So many dinner parties, so little time. My goodness, I’m glad for my extensive ball gown collection, for I surely wouldn’t want to wear the same bejeweled number out twice in one season!

I know I’m not alone in feeling verily overloaded by the sheer number of hand-engraved cards arriving daily which beg my presence at yet another holiday celebration, and so with that in mind I thought we could discuss the fine art of hostess gifts.

I mean, as long as you understand I’m totally full of crap because seriously, I haven’t gone to a party since my kid was born. Unless you count birthday parties for children. Which, frankly, I think are probably more fun than the adult variety anyway, because at least there’s cake. And BALLOONS.

So, if you’re currently feeling a bit burdened by all the social gaiety and occasions to wear pretty clothes and drink fancy beverages—first of all: what the hell, is this SERIOUSLY a REAL PROBLEM? (answer: apparently so!)—here’s a list of some easy-peasy hostess gifts that should at least take the pressure off that whole ’showing gratitude’ part of the evening.

(If it’s a truly horrendous, crappy party, then may I suggest something a little more . . . organic.)

Lemon Squeezer from MoMA. This ultra-cool lemon squeezer seems like a neat addition to a well-stocked bar, or at least a unique conversation starter. If the party gets out of control later in the evening, it would probably make a fairly handy weapon, too.

Perfect Pour Wine Decanter Set. Great for your wine nerd oenophile friend: the design supposedly helps release natural aromas and enhance the wine’s flavor. Or, I guess you could always just put a straw in it and go to town.

Exotic Truffle Collection. I am having a hard time describing this particular gift because of all the drool. Mmmm, gourmet chocolate selection from Vosges. So beautiful . . . so luscious . . . so wonderfully caloric.

Spice-Herb Ball. Pair this spiffy tea ball with some gourmet tea or mulling spices, and you’ve got a super-easy, super-inexpensive, surprisingly non-lame little gift. BAM!

Silver-plated wine stopper. Instead of a bottle of wine (tres yawn), you could gift your hosts with an engraved bottle stopper instead, which might actually get some long-term use—or at least make them feel special for a brief and shining silver-plated moment.

I think any of these would make fine stocking stuffers, too, or handy items to have around in case of a Surprise Last-Minute Gifting Occasion. Not that the chocolate selection would last long in MY house, but perhaps you have more discipline.

Okay, so tell me: are you guys really going to a whole bunch of parties this time of year? Am I the only one who’s sitting around at night watching the Survivor finale in my pajamas and eating toffee ice cream directly out of the carton instead of pulling on my party dress and blowing kisses to the babysitter?

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