My older son is going to be 4 in a few weeks, and I was initially going to write a post covering Birthday Present Ideas for Four-Year-Olds and include all the little product images and links and so on . . . but I have a related topic I’d rather talk about. It has to do with greedy children, and more specifically, how not to raise them.
My boy Riley loves getting new toys. He gets so excited and thrilled over a new toy, no matter what it is, that it’s hard not to share in his joy. I take great pleasure in handing over something new, just to see his face light up like a pinball machine. For at least a few days, his toy goes everywhere he does, and he talks about it constantly. It’s like the entire world has become a shinier, happier place just because some little kid got a beat-up Buzz Lightyear from the discount bin at Goodwill.
Then, inevitably, the toy falls out of favor. It joins the throngs of other toys that clutter up every surface of our house, it gets gnawed half to death by his younger brother, and eventually it gets moved to the toybox in his bedroom. It may occasionally make a reappearance, but for the most part, the bloom is off the rose.
I understand this, he’s a little kid. He’s got the attention span of a fruit fly for the most part, and it’s probably kind of a miracle that any toy gets dragged around for more than an hour or two. I do what I can to manage the toy-chaos: we rotate toys, we store some for his brother, we occasionally have Riley pick through his stuff and choose which ones we can take to the thrift store for other kids to love.
The thing that kind of bugs me, though, is how focused he can be on getting new stuff. It’s one of the first things he asks when I come home from a trip: what did you get me? Often when we come across a toy in a book, he asks if he can have one of his own (”I want to BUY that train, Mommy!”). He’s been talking about his birthday for, no kidding, six months straight, his attention laser-aimed not on the cake or the party or the fun of turning four, but on the presents.
I’ve cut back on doing things like picking up some small trinket while I’m at the store, or randomly bringing home a new set of crayons. Which kind of makes me sad, because I love to do those things, but I feel like I’m maybe encouraging an environment of entitlement . . . and a lack of meaningful gratitude.
I realize this isn’t exactly a unique situation, but I’d love to know how you handle things like this. I’m more than a little bothered by the notion of us not being able to manage greedy behavior in the right sort of way, and yet I realize: I have no idea how to discourage it. Of course he’ll get presents for his birthday, but how do I begin teaching a four-year-old that the best things in life don’t come from stores?
I have the same issue w/my 10 and 12 year olds. I’m trying to break my own habit of picking up an item or two for them every time I go into Target (but their kids’ clothes are so cute and inexpensive!). It’s great to be able to pick something up just because I know they’ll like it, but I have noticed a distinct lack of gratitude - even interest - lately. Clearly I’ve overdone it, and the last thing I want to do is to raise a couple of spoiled kids w/an entitlement complex.
Upping their allowance by a moderate amount has actually worked well…it’s just enough now that I know they can buy one thing they really want and no more. Once they spend their money they’re done for the month; and I’m not as tempted to get them extras because they’ve already purchased something new and fun (or blown everything on vending machine bubble gum and bouncy balls). And I’ve instituted a new rule: I always give cash allowance, rather than “loaning” them $ or paying w/my credit card. Handing over their own money clearly makes them think more about their purchases.
Marie | August 5th, 2009 at 11:56 pm
I give my kids the opportunity to earn money. Then when they say they want a material thing, we talk about whether they have enough money to buy it. If not, we talk about what they need to do to earn the money. It puts material value in perspective. And it saves me from having to say “no” or listen to begging or worse.
I buy them something once in a while, but most of the time I don’t, so they don’t expect it.
They have many aunts who spoil them with things, but as they get older, that seems to decrease. (Maybe because they have all babysat and discovered just how many toys my kids already have.)
We don’t do “birthday parties” but I know the girls will get something from their grandparents, aunts, etc. So I consider what I want to buy the girls (say A, B, and C) and then I ask the grandparents to buy A, my close friends to buy B, etc. This helps keep the gift volume to a manageable level.
I have to say that my kids have always really played with all of their toys (except for those I have hidden because there really are too many). In addition, because they are expected to help keep their stuff in order on a daily basis, they don’t have a chance to “forget” about the stuff they already have, so they are more likely to think “I have something like that” than “I need that.”
My sister is pregnant wth her first child, and I’ve been talking to the girls about what we are going to give to the new baby once he/she is old enough to play (like, about 500 gently-used toys and books for starters). They seem to like the idea of gifting stuff, though they are still processing the idea of whether they can do without the toddler toys. It will be interesting to see if this has any effect on their “materialism.”
SKL | August 6th, 2009 at 12:21 am
My son is the same age and it is hard to manage their love of toys. It’s also hard to manage my love of buying him things I think he will like. The system my husband and I have worked out is that if we want to buy him something, we usually do, but Gabe doesn’t get it right away. He has a chore/behavior chart and if he gets enough stars on the chart, he gets to pick out a “present” at the end of the week. These include little things like bringing his dishes to to sink and getting himself dressed in the morning. It also include behaviors like sharing (within reason) with his brother and not throwing tantrums when he doesn’t get his way.
Cookie | August 6th, 2009 at 10:54 am
Mmm…I’m not sure how helpful this is but I keep a running birthday/Christmas list on the fridge and every time my four year old daughter asks, “I would like…” I say, “We’ll put it on the list!” And she just knows. Now of course if I go on a trip without her, I will bring her back something but that’s once in a while. And Grandma is always purchasing little surprises. So maybe that’s why she doesn’t demand so much from me? I also don’t really like her to watch TV. I mean, we watch Dora or Blues Clues DVDs and what not but for the most part she doesn’t really see a whole lot of toy commercials and therefore her requests are few and far between.
I’ve also tried the reward chart and that worked for a while. Melissa & Doug make a great one and is available at Borders.
Farrell | August 6th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
My 5yo is exactly the same. In fact, he’s started getting downright mad if I come home from the store and don’t have something for him. And he’s starting saying, “I never get annnnyyything!!!!” in a whiny voice. I’ve decided it’s normal, and they just have to learn that Target doesn’t exist solely for their entertainment. Sometimes Mommy just needs paper towels and shampoo, and nothing fun.
We keep a stash of little toys we pick up here or there (my husband is a sucker for super heroes action figures), and usually if we give him anything new, it’s after a week or two of not getting anything.
And we just started the allowance thing. I’m hopeful that it will help.
Lee | August 6th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
Great topic & I’m really interested in the comments/ suggestions.
My older son is a few month younger than Riley, and he is similar about new toys. We rotate toys also, so that there isn’t as much plastic crap sitting out. Plus after about 4 weeks in storage, he does get excited about a toy again, without it being entirely NEW.
We also started occassionally doing a sticker chart to earn a fun outing. It’s not a THING, but an experience. We ask him to do three nice things, and we put stickers on the chart for each thing (they don’t have to be grand gestures… but almost entirely little things like NOT WHINING, or leaving his little brother alone, or giving a hug). After three things, he earns a tractor ride at the orchard, or a trip to the pool, or a picnic dinner at the playground.
We plan to do these things anyhow, but asking him to earn them by being nice helps him refocus a bit from all the whining & wanting.
erin | August 6th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
Great Article Ladies
Kids Bedding | August 7th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Wonderful topic! My friend and I (both with 3yos) were just talking about this last week. I think this age is even more difficult because there is no concept of money at all yet. Let us know if you hit on any strategies that work.
aimee @ smilingmama | August 7th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
I’d suggest going to a children’s hospital or a shelter and finding out the gender and ages of kids. Spend $20 on balloons or inexpensive toys to hand out to each kid. Make sure your 4 year old does it, though. He’ll see other kids who have very little and that balloon will light up their little faces.
Just Jiff | August 7th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
A 4 year old is not going to make the connection between handing out toys to sick children or homeless kids & their own greed. Their brains don’t work that way.
4 year olds are greedy. They ALL are. It’s the nature of the beast
I’m sure gifts (even little ones) in moderation and witnessing the good deeds of his parents, over time (for example having him help sort his toys and bringing them in for donation) & age - will in time help him to learn.
Also, emphasizing how much you enjoy spending time w/your husband, family/friends & children will help get the point across that emotional connection/family is very important.
L. Monk | August 7th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
My daughter just turned four and I am having the same issues. A LARGE majority of unused toys (things I have stored six months ago) are going to the resale shop. Other than that, and not buying the little things like you mentioned, I am not sure what the answer is.
Kate S. | August 10th, 2009 at 8:37 am
My biggest problem is with gifts from other people in the extended family. I swear every time my mom or sisters babysit my kids or take them on an outing they come home with a new outfit, a sucker and a toy! Or at least one of the above. I’m worried that my kids are beginning to associate being with my family as “time to get new stuff.” I want them to learn that time with family IS the gift… But my mom has so much fun buying them stuff, and since money is tight for us lately i can’t really object to her buying them new clothes or shoes that they do need, so then I feel like an ungrateful hypocrite objecting if she buys them a toy, too.
Anyone have suggestions handling excessive gifts?
Sarah | August 13th, 2009 at 1:25 am
I worry about this too - I see my nephew, who is the same age as Riley, doing these same things. It doesn’t help that my daughter (18 mos) gets something from her aunts/grandparents just about every time they enter the house. I’ve talked to the grandparents about it already, and that’s helped slow the influx. I am loving all these suggestions for what to do as she grows, though - feeling at a loss there!
bessie.viola | August 17th, 2009 at 6:14 pm
Oh, I know EXACTLY what you mean. One thing that I have done for her birthday is really emphasize the party. We spend a lot of time preparing things and doing stuff like decorating the cake and the room together. We I talk about all the nice things we will do with her friends and tell her about what a great treat it is that all her friends want to see her and spend time with her. I don’t mind spending extra on doing something really special for the party because I want her to know that spending time with special people and letting them know how much we appreciate them is much more important than any amount of presents. I try to insist on no presents at the party but no one ever listens so we do the next best thing and downplay it by opening the present as soon as the giftgive arrives. That way, the thank you is immediate and the kids put down the toys to go and play right away. We have to travel at Christmas time to see my family and since the airplane tickets cost so much (and our baggage limit restricts what kind of presents she can get) its easy to do the same thing.
Nicole | September 2nd, 2009 at 4:28 pm
On the issue of clutter: When my daughter was young I used to spirit away a group of toys or dolls that she hadn’t looked at in months. I’d put them in a plastic bag and then put them in the basement for, say, three months, and if she hadn’t asked for them, I’d throw them out on garbage pick up day. Very very occassionally she’d go looking for one of these tossed toys and couldn’t find it, but it didn’t seem to bother her very much. If I was asked directly to look with her, I would, and then say vaguely (lie-ingly), “Gee I wonder where it went to.”
Once I made the mistake of leaving the garbage bag in the can before trash day. The slightly older girl upstairs saw a plastic leg sticking out of the bag and I was exposed. But I just apologized, dragged them all back in the house and re-disposed of them a few weeks later. My daughter is 29 now and doesn’t seem to have been harmed by this deceit.
michele | September 8th, 2009 at 6:09 pm