Milk and Cookies
with Linda and Kristen
Milk and Cookies is a savory web venue for cool products, useful tips, and idea-sharing, prepared especially for busy moms like you. From the must-haves to avoid-at-all-costs, we're dishing out tools for a delicious life balance.
Visit Linda's fitness site at Bodies in Motivation and check out Kristen's blog at Swistle.blogspot.com
We have family in town this week, specifically ONE family member, specifically my mother-in-law. I’ve been trying to think of some fun shopping-type things to post about here, but it feels like I’m attempting to surf the online stores while clinging to a piece of shipwreck: I am a little distracted by the SHARKS nibbling my TOES.
Some of us have lovely, lovely family members who are a joy to be around, but it seems like most of us have at least SOME family members who drive us batcrap crazy. Surely we can combine forces on this—if not to drive all those family members into a barbed-wire enclosure, at least to make their visits more bearable. I will share my tips with you if you will share yours with me.
1. Solo outings. If you can leave your children briefly with the difficult family member, a visit is a great time to get some things done. Have you had a haircut since the snow melted? Have you seen the GYN since your third grader was born? When was the last time you donated blood? Wasn’t there something you wanted to talk to your child’s teacher about? ALL of these things can be scheduled during the visit, giving you brief breathers in the outside world.
2. Cooking and baking. This looks sooooo hostessy, and also keeps you occupied in the kitchen. And oh dear, now there is clean-up—the children will have to go talk with Grandma while you finish the dishes.
3. Booze in the laundry room. Vodka doesn’t leave a telltale scent, or so I’ve heard. A little swig when you cycle the wash into the dryer, maybe another little swig when you fold the clothes. Two swigs when it is Crazy Dinner/Bed Time and someone is stationed in the observation deck to notice how badly you handle it.
4. Forgetting something at the grocery store. Oh dear, you will have to just RUN OUT for a minute, you will be RIGHT BACK. Sit in the parking lot at the grocery store with your head on the steering wheel, breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth, or perhaps it is supposed to be the other way around. When you go in to get the one grocery item you need to prove you actually did go to the store, also get yourself a jelly doughnut from the in-store bakery. THE LORD HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES.
5. Movies. If your houseguest will watch them, that’s 2 hours of not interacting with each other, followed by another hour of talking about the movie so you don’t have to think of other things to talk about or hear again about the co-worker who has let herself go since she had kids and now wears nothing but t-shirts and jeans, kind of like YOUR ever-present t-shirts and jeans, what a coincidence that this topic would come up.
Your turn. SHARE with me, people: I’m 3 days into this thing and already cycling laundry way more often than necessary.
Subscribe to blog via RSS
Oh poor Swistle! Honestly, I rarely have houseguests, and when I do they are of the lovely-lovely variety. So I guess my tip? Don’t let the nasty-nasty variety into your house. But then I have it easy because the nasty ones in my fam live too far away to visit anyway, so who am I to give advice…
jen | October 7th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
Dh and I usually funnel the stress into some nasty bickering.
Oh you wanted HELP. Um, kids’ sporting events. Outside activities (makes it hard to talk with the kids running around screaming). Get a contagious illness? I hear H1N1 is going around.
Amanda | October 7th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
1. Field trips. Movies, museums, festivals, eating out: all those things you never do because it’s too expensive or too much trouble. Make sure guest gets his/her share of the child-wrangling duties (b/c it’s a Safety Issue! All grownups MUST PARTICIPATE. Also have backup in case grownups are Not Competent). Bonus: if field trips are Too Vigorous, maybe houseguest will stay at home.
2. Family (POTLUCK) get togethers. Doesn’t matter if the Family is related to the houseguest or not; they will still Want To See Them. Also, they will provide bodies and entertainment that will give you time to get away (into the adjacent room, or whatever). Also, you can exchange eye-rolls and significant looks and laugh about it for years afterward. I mean, you’re probably too nice to do this. But, um, I might not be.
Melospiza | October 7th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
Ahh, Swistle. I feel so sorry for you, but on the otherhand love your stories!
Jen B. | October 7th, 2009 at 6:24 pm
MOVIE NIGHT! One for the kids and one for the grown-ups. It’s perfect because it’s more convenient for you to swig vodka…er…refill the popcorn buckets. It allows the grandchildren to snuggle with the house guest on the couch leaving you free to swig vodka…er…sit elsewhere. And it provides *at least* three hours of no talking entertainment. I would suggest the entire LOTR trilogy.
A trip to the park–complete with a ball which can accidently or not smack house guest in the head. I mean, sure this requires effort like chasing after small toddlers, but HEY, would you rather do that or stare at your MIL in the house?
Faked ER trip. Don’t you think the baby is lethargic and warmish? (Especially right before his bedtime after just being wrapped in a towel straight from the dryer)? That will AT LEAST buy you three hours of relief–the line…at the ER…it was HORRIBLE with the cases of H1N1. And, of course, it was just a bad virus and he will be fine. No one needs to know that you spent that time browsing the bookstore, sipping decaff latte two towns away.
Good luck. My MIL lives about 250 yards behind me so while we see her too frequently for me, she NEVER EVER stays the night.
g~ | October 7th, 2009 at 7:12 pm
Can you take up jogging? Walking? Calling it whatever but just leave?
Joanne | October 7th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
Hah! I wish I had read this a few days ago! I just had some houseguests of the difficult variety leave this morning. My coping mechanism was dragging the pain-in-the-you-know-what nephew into the bedroom and telling him I was sick of his obnoxious, rude, disrespectful behavior toward his mother, brother, and me. Maybe I crossed the line. Whoops.
Anonforthis | October 7th, 2009 at 7:21 pm
What’s the old saying that Ben Franklin had?
Houseguests are like fish. Both start to stink after 3 days.
Seriously, I look back on the times my parents came up to see us and I shake my head.in amazement and wonder. At absolutely NO time from the day I was married til the day they died, nearly 19 years later, did they EVER stay with us, even for an overnighter. My mother’s contention was that she wanted to be able to be free to come and go as she pleased and have her privacy. They ALWAYS stayed in a nearby hotel. That said, I will say that our schedules were always a bit different - hubby and I don’t do breakfast; we shower in the am, not at night; etc. Our lifestyles were totally different too. In reality, looking back, I see that she understood that and refused to impose on us, for which I was and still am eternally grateful. Unfortunately, when we visited them, we couldn’t do the same, simply because of the fact that there were no hotels/motels around for 20+ miles.
Some of our dearest friends have had to deal with their parents being houseguests for weeks on end, and whenever I tell them about mine, you can see the faces go green with envy. In fact, one wife even asked me if I wouldn’t mind “selling” my parents to her cause she’d LOVE to get rid of her in-laws who came to stay for a MONTH after she’d had her last baby.
All I can say is that when MY daughter goes out on her own, I will NOT impose, but I WILL be like my mom and give her her space.
Again, guests and fish STINK after 3 days.
Jane | October 7th, 2009 at 8:37 pm
I find that I always have banking to do when such houseguests arrive. Banking, you know, is a long and difficult process. I recommend going at noon to make it all the longer and more difficult.
What about a project you can put your houseguest to? We just had my father-in-law here, which is a slightly different beast (because he can be put to Man-Type Work: cleaning and organizing the garage), but I’m thinking it might still translate. Does your houseguest garden? Great! Because that flower bed needs to be weeded.
Or, what about activities (like the movies) where there’s no interaction? I’m thinking some sort of spa day where one gets a face mask that renders the recipient unable to talk.
If all else fails: go to the dentist. Get there early, fill out all the forms, read all the magazines, and have them polish those teeth at least twice.
Emily | October 7th, 2009 at 8:57 pm
My in law’s leave diet pepsi cans on every single horizontal surface of our home. That would include dressers, toilet tanks (ew), the edge of the tub of the ONLY bathroom in our house, window sills, computer desks, the tv, etc. They average (between the two of them and my husband) three 36- packs and a 24 pack per four day visit. I want you to consider the amount of fluid that is. I am not a neat freak. But, every night, I have to walk around the entire house with a huge recycle bin and gather them all up. Is this ridiculous? YES. But, when I wasn’t doing it until after they went to bed, it was worse. I’d say they now average about half the cans in the recycle bin.
I try to be polite. I think of new, interesting places to take them. I map out potential restaurants. I have their favorite snacks on hand. I have even taken an interest in one of my MIL’s hobbies to have a better bond with her. But when we fill our garbage can and recycle bin after a long weekend, I’m never sorry they aren’t that close.
melissa | October 7th, 2009 at 9:03 pm
“Cycling laundry,” eh? ; ) I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. If I didn’t have a bunch of phlegm in my lungs right now, I’d … well, I was going to say visit, but then you’d have two guests until I killed her, leaving you with one guest plus a bunch of cops, thereby adding to the stress. So that’s out, but, um, I’d visit your mom. (No, really, that wasn’t just a slangy put-down.) And then you could come and visit, too, and escape! But wait, I have phlegm. Sorry, dude. I’m … thinking of you? Yeah, that helps.
may | October 7th, 2009 at 11:19 pm
Any advice on what to do when you’ve JUST birthed a baby and cannot really go OUT and leave them with the children and don’t trust them enough to send THEM out with the children?
Why don’t I just shoot myself now!?
Devan | October 7th, 2009 at 11:23 pm
Devan- What I like about a new baby is that I can disappear into another room for an hour or so every couple of hours “to nurse the baby.” I dragged a comfy recliner into our bedroom (TIGHT FIT but WHO CARES) and hid a box behind it of People magazines, novels, peanut M&Ms, etc. The baby would be LONG SINCE done with a nursing session and I’d still be sitting in there.
swistle | October 7th, 2009 at 11:38 pm
Keep on doing all of the boring, time-consuming things you usually do. Guest can come along or not, as she chooses. Finally sticking to our normal schedule and not politely clearing the calendar for visiting was what finally put an end to the “What do you DO all day?” comments from my difficult guest.
Nowheymama | October 8th, 2009 at 11:32 am
Be nice to the annoying house guest… dont try to “forget” things at grocery store…s ince then you would hear lectures of how to be better planned, carry a list and so on!!!
Ensure the guest has all the comforts.. make sure that they get out. Leave them alone to play with kids!
Avoid ‘discssing’ stuff!!!
And smile.. it will be over soon!
GNSD | October 8th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
Well carp on a stick, I need a few more suggestions - MIL won’t lift a finger. As in, came to watch the babe when he was a newborn so I could catch a nap, then proceeded to wake me up when he needed changing (no, it wasn’t a nasty diaper, she just forgot to tell me she didn’t do diapers, refused to feed him bottles of “nasty breastmilk why don’t you use formula its so much better”, and she only wanted to hold him while he was quiet). Basically, she wants to trot around a trophy on her whim. Eh. I’ve resigned myself to that. Hubs is hurt though.
Peppermint Schnapps, by the by, smells quite a bit like mouthwash
CV | October 8th, 2009 at 5:35 pm
I use parenting as a excuse - I’ll give both kids their baths and put the younger one (takes much longer) to bed to avoid making small talk with my brother-in-law. Plus it sounds generous to my hubby - giving him extra time to visit with his sibling…
Lindsey W. | October 8th, 2009 at 6:07 pm
“THE LORD HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES.” Bwahahahaha you’re awesome.
squandra | October 8th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
SNORT!! The last time I saw my mother (MIL is awesome. My mother? Yeah, not so much.) I started a political discussion and then slowly backed into the bedroom–leaving husband and mother to spar. Husband is brilliant. Mother is insane. Husband obviously wiped the floor with insane mother, but it lasted for two hours and I emailed updates of the smack-down to my father and step-mother every ten minutes or so, while listening gleefully with my ear pressed to the door. As long as I’m not actively participating in the insanity, I’m pretty much good.
After she left I learned that she wiped the inside of our toilet bowls with our toothbrushes. And I was pregnant. Ahh, nothing like family.
Jessica | October 8th, 2009 at 11:56 pm
Everyone in my family agrees that the secret to family gatherings is alcohol. Mimosas and Bloody Mary’s for Breakfast, Godiva Chocolate Liquor anytime.
PJ | October 9th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
after reading some of these i feel much better about my houseguests. it’s not that they are bad houseguests it’s just that they are always coming to visit. i like the ideas though and will put them to use!!
andrea | October 9th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
My MIL just left and we had the best visit we ever had, (not that that is saying much) I not once raised my voice to her. Two things that I did differently this time:
1. I laid down the law the first day she was here, but in a nice “we as a family have decided this” kind of way, making sure to take in account her loves, eating out every meal, (with a 3yr old and a 1 yr old, 2-3X a day not so much) and what we considered a compromise, eating out once a day.
2. I pulled out a family tree book and asked questions about her family, which my husband and I think really made her feel comfortable, she was a much different woman after that!
Good luck, my Mom also visited about 3 weeks later and we both commented on the difference and how my Mom didn’t stay long enough.
Melanie | October 9th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
To piggy-back on Melanie’s comment -
I struggle when my grandparents come to visit. We live in another state, so it’s not often (about once a year) - but when they come, it’s usually for a few days (more than long enough!!)
I pull out my laptop and start asking them questions about their childhood. We started with basic genealogy questions (names of as many ancestors as they could remember) - then we went from there. Memories about pets, friends, school, summers, Christmas, siblings, parents… with some prompting, they told some great stories! I typed as they talked, almost word for word. This is great, because it gave them something to talk about, and it’s a great way to pass on family history to my kids.
I think the MOST interesting question I asked was: what was your relationship like with YOUR in-laws? From my various grandparents, I got everything from “like a mother to me” to “she never forgave me for marrying her son.” Fascinating stuff.
The other thing I do is have them help cook. I always plan to make something with a lot of peeling/chopping, etc, because they can feel like they’re actually doing something… without me leaving my kids with them. They usually keep the “Well I do it THIS way” to a minimum… not sure I could handle it otherwise…
Sara | October 11th, 2009 at 2:03 am
Oh, I wanted to add, too -
Finding out so much about their personal pasts helped me understand why they are the way they are today. That helps me “handle” them better - and honestly, judge them less.
Sara | October 11th, 2009 at 2:04 am