(The winner of last week’s Valentine’s Day contest is Karen of the February 8th, 5:46 pm comment! I’ve emailed my boss so she can send you your Amazon.com gift certificate!)
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Here is something I’ve noticed: that working mothers will sometimes say they wish they could stay at home, and that at-home mothers will sometimes say they wish they could work—but what they really mean seems to vary widely.
Sometimes these wishes seem like the normal “path not taken” wishes, or “grass is always greener” wishes: the other way looks temporarily better to us, even though it’s not really what we want. That’s one I think we can all identify with. Working mothers would like it to be known that a part of them wishes they could stay at home instead—whether they mean they mean financially, or whether they’re talking about personal preferences, or whether they’re talking about ability. At-home mothers would like it to be known that a part of them wishes they could work instead—whether they mean for the financial aspect, or whether they’re talking about personal preferences, or whether they’re talking about ability. Women doing a combination would like it to be known that a part of them wishes they could change the balance, or do more, or do less.
Sometimes it seems like what we’re really saying is, “I would like people to realize that the path I’m on is not an easy one.” Again, I think this is something we can all identify with. None of the options are all good and no bad, or else we’d all be doing that one. Some days we want it understood that even if someone else is looking at us with grass-is-greener eyes, we don’t like the trade-offs required and they wouldn’t either.
Sometimes these wishes are deep-down genuine: our life choices and/or circumstances have led us to a situation that is not what we want, and we wish it were otherwise. This is the saddest one, I think.
Sometimes these wishes are designed to hurt others: we want to do it the way we’re doing it, or maybe we don’t, but in any case we want to make the women who are on the other path feel bad about it, and like they’re the ones who got the lucky break, or like their path has no trade-offs, or like they’re the ones who got to make a choice while we got screwed, or like the few vocal jerks on their path also represent everyone else on that path. This is the one that causes all those idiotic and tired debates.
Here is what I would like us to talk about today: What does each of us REALLY want? Leaving aside finances. Leaving aside circumstances. Leaving aside ability. If you could have your own ideal balance of working and being at home—what would you want? Would you want to work, with all the advantages and disadvantages that come with it? Would you want to stay at home, with all the advantages and disadvantages that come with it? Would you want to work part-time or from home, with all THOSE advantages and disadvantages? Close your eyes: pretend there are none of the usual limits constraining your choice. What would you, personally, WANT?
(I hope that during this discussion we keep in mind that we can all tell when someone is phrasing her answer in a way meant to make other women angry and upset. What we’re asking here is not “What do you think all women should do?” or “What do you think women SHOULDN’T do?” or “How can you state your own preferences in a way that disparages other preferences?,” but rather “What would YOU specifically want? What would be YOUR individual ideal FOR YOU? What, after weighing the pros and cons of all the options, do you think would be YOUR best choice?”)
I would like to do mostly what I’m doing (stay at home mom) BUT I’ve often thought I’d really like to work outside the home just one or two half days a week. Just a few hours where my brain could get some exercise, and ideally, that would magically coincide with when my husband was home so I wouldn’t have to worry about child care. And of course, something I would enjoy on a personal level, that’s not all about my kids. But, mostly, I feel happy with my situation and blessed to have the choice.
Devan | February 9th, 2011 at 3:15 pm
I am a full-time stay-at-home mom, and right now, I want what I have. I thought I wanted to work a little job part-time until I tried it. I didn’t enjoy that much at all.
I fantasize about going back to school when my children are independent. The thing is, I can’t really think of a job I’d want to have using new education. I would just be happy to be in school forever, I think. Maybe school + research of some kind.
Josefina | February 9th, 2011 at 3:20 pm
I think I am quite blessed in that I *have* almost the perfect balance for me. I work outside of the home two days a month, and also work from home. Now, at the present moment, the “work at home” part of my job is very time-intensive and actually pretty difficult for a variety of reasons, and not in the good “challenging” way, more in the “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing and I have no one to ask” kind of way. So this month, there is a bit too much work. But once I get through this tough project, I’ll probably be back to the good level of work. It’s just enough to challenge me mentally and make me feel like I get to interact with adult humans, while at the same time getting to be a SAHM. And let me tell you, when I get home from my day of work away from home, I am simply BRIMMING withe patience and tolerance. Not so much other times.
Dr. Maureen | February 9th, 2011 at 3:20 pm
I find it impossible to envision a situation where money and ability and circumstances don’t matter. I thought I had a good imagination, but I guess I don’t.
I find that when I’m at work (24 hrs/week) I both love it and miss my children desperately. And when I’m home, I both love it and want to run away to someplace where I am my own person and can pee by myself.
I think working part-time is the best thing for me right now, although I would like it if I didn’t work night shift. But then night shift keeps us from needing to figure out childcare and day shift would necessitate day care of some sort and I’d rather not.
I guess what I would really like is to be able to sit around and read or watch movies all day with no interruptions except when I want them.
Linda | February 9th, 2011 at 3:31 pm
Linda- I guess I don’t mean “don’t matter”—more like “aren’t completely blocking you from making the choice.” I didn’t want anyone to feel like for example they couldn’t say they wanted to work because they wouldn’t be able to earn enough for daycare.
swistle | February 9th, 2011 at 3:42 pm
Ah. I was trying to envision a Utopia where I could do WHATEVER I WANTED. I guess that wasn’t your point, was it? But now that’s all I’m thinking about.
Oh, and I think the people who want to do one thing but have life circumstances dictating they do something else (like single parents who must work but want to stay home) are the saddest, too. My heart breaks.
Linda | February 9th, 2011 at 3:58 pm
What a good question. I have been asking myself this question every day since I found out I was pregnant (15 months ago). (It wasn’t planned so I didn’t have a choice about going back to work–my husband’s salary doesn’t cover our student loan payments.)
I think I would like to work outside the home for about 20 hours per week. Enough time to get some real work done, and have interactions with adults… but not so much time that I feel like I’m missing EVERYTHING that’s going on at home during the week. In fact, if my job could be cut to 20 hours per week, I would gladly take a 50% pay cut (and even lose my benefits, as I’m on my husband’s insurance).
As it stands, I’m taking steps to pay off our student debts as quickly as possible so that I don’t HAVE to work forever. I would love to stop working when my daughter is about 2, have another baby, and stay home for a few years until they are in school. And then find a flexible job that allows me to pick them up after school. My mom worked, and I was always SO proud of her, except when she was an hour late picking me up at school because a meeting ran late. I hated that feeling, of being the ONLY kid still sitting out in front of the school.
Kim | February 9th, 2011 at 3:59 pm
I want to work outside the home (and I do), but I would really love to have a work schedule that coincided with SCHOOL schedules (say, 7-3 with most holidays off).
Tessie | February 9th, 2011 at 4:13 pm
In my perfect world scenario, I would work part-time from home doing something I enjoy. Right now I get to stay home, and it is amazing but I get lonely and feel understimulated sometimes.
Beth | February 9th, 2011 at 4:16 pm
Linda- Me too now! I’m thinking, “Yeah…I want the reading thing, and also I want a swimming pool.”
swistle | February 9th, 2011 at 4:22 pm
I will be a working mom as of Feb. 21st and I’m completely dreading it. It’s not just that I will miss my newborn, but that I always dreamed of being a SAHM and it’s just not in the cards for us. Ideally I would be able to work part-time from home and be a SAHM, or go back to school to do my post-grad and be a SAHM. As it is, my husband is able to work from home and is a SAHD, and I’m super thankful that our little girl will be with one of us the majority of the time (with family members 2 days a week), even if it can’t be me.
Tara | February 9th, 2011 at 4:23 pm
I had the ideal situation for the first year and a half after my now 2-year-old daughter was born: I was an adjunct instructor at an R 1 college, teaching 2 classes for the first semester after her birth, then 3 classes each semester for the following 2 semesters. I taught 2 days a week, and had fantastic babysitters. The money wasn’t great, but I had what was for me a perfect balance of time at home with my kid and time at work with my students. I am now at home full time ( not by choice), and am going positively batty.
I think that everyone can figure out what really works for them, but it can be insanely difficult to make it happen, for many, many reasons, most of which involve vast changes in how American society functions and treats mothers. Sigh.
No more run-on sentences from me. Thanks for starting this conversation, Swistle.
Mariah | February 9th, 2011 at 4:24 pm
I am a SAHM that also works very part time. My job is 1-2 evenings a week, so my husband is home with the kids. I also am on call as a doula, and that is weird hours.
I think what I want is basically what I have, but with the ability to be able to justify AND afford a housekeeper. It seems like that what takes the enjoyment out of being- the constant cleaning… Also, I love being a doula but I don’t love being on call… so ideally I would work more as a doula, but with set hours.
Marie Green | February 9th, 2011 at 4:26 pm
Ok, that second run-on should read, “I think that everyone can figure out what really works for them, but it can be insanely difficult to make it happen, for many, many reasons, most of which involve vast problems in how American society functions and treats parents, but especially mothers.” Sigh.
Mariah | February 9th, 2011 at 4:26 pm
I have a lot of flexibility in my job right now; I work from home two days a week and go into the office 3 days. This is good. EVEN SO, I still struggle with keeping up with the house and chores and laundry and all that other stuff.
So, honestly, what I would REALLY want? A live-in housekeeper. Someone to cook and clean for me and do my laundry and grocery shopping:)
You didn’t say it had to be based in reality!
Also, as a working single mother I will say this: I guarantee that every.single. stay at home mom’s day is harder than my work day. PROPS!
Farrell | February 9th, 2011 at 4:28 pm
Now I’m thinking about my ideal world too… hmmm, cleaning lady, part time nanny, vacation to Hawaii once a year….
I am a SAHM and I love it. I have never worked full time long term. I was in school for a long time and would often take a semester or two off to work full time or more and then return to school/part time work. So I don’t know what it’s truly like to work a 9-5 job for a long time. I’ve also never worked since my son was born (although I did finish my degree part time). But knowing my personality, I like to be home. I really enjoy the flexibility I have- I can take on volunteer projects, work on my slowing burgeoning photography business, blog, AND be here full time for my toddler.
Barb @ getupandplay | February 9th, 2011 at 4:35 pm
Wow, Swistle, I am loving the kindness and dignity with which you’ve addressed this post. It’s actually asking all mothers to do exactly that thing that is what they really want to do when the idiotic mud-slinging begins in this debate, and that is simply state what YOU want. My twins do this all the time: “He got more ice cream than me!!!” “Do you want more ice cream? Ask for what you want.” It’s not about what someone else has, but what YOU want. Nicely put.
I am so lucky to have the ideal situation. Plus, my kids are school-aged, so this works even better than it did when they were younger. I work full-time outside the house as a college professor. However, this means that my job is extraordinarily flexible. I can teach online, grade papers at home, be on campus for meetings, and telecommute from the soccer field. While many times, I’ve thought about making my situation part-time, or finding a way to be a SAHM, it really could never be a reality. I must have the full-time job because I provide the fantastic full coverage health insurance for the family. My husband is self employed and has rheumatoid arthritis. Even if he wanted to, he couldn’t buy insurance.
So here I am, embracing my situation, and feeling that the balance is spot on. Lucky, I know. I never want to forget that.
Grateful Twin Mom | February 9th, 2011 at 4:40 pm
I’m a SAHM to a two-and-a-half year old and a six-month-old. This is absolutely what I want and I feel lucky that I get to do it, but there are still plenty of days that make me want to run screaming down the street (example: the baby threw up all down me this morning - she’s not ill, just pukey - and then just now, while I was reading your blog and thinking about it, she threw up all down my arm). I’m trying to start a home-based business at the moment and I guess ideally I’d like that to take off over the next year or two, so that once both girls are in nursery/school I won’t have to work outside the home. I’m veeeery introverted and would love to work from home by myself forever, and also it would fit in great with the children.
Anna | February 9th, 2011 at 4:41 pm
After reading this and contemplating, I honestly, truly, think I have it exactly the way I want it. I work 32 hours per week, which enables me to retain my benefits, but also allows me to get off work at 3:30 so that I can spend an extra few hours with my son. I know, without a doubt, 100% that I could not and would not want to stay at home full time. I am not cut out for that. My marriage would crumble and I recognize and fully acknowledge that I am a MUCH better parent because I work. I have full admiration for parents who DO stay home, mostly because I’m in awe.
I love the balance I have currently–it’s really working out perfectly. Reducing my hours when my son was born was the best compromise and is great for our family.
You know what I’d really like to change though? My husband’s schedule. He flies planes for the AF and a typical day is 14-15 hours long and we’re always barely getting time for each other, much less full family time. And his schedule changes daily. Some days he has to be at work at 5. Some days 9. Some days he doesn’t get home until 11 p.m. Some days it’s 6:30. Adjusting to that and striving to make sure he gets to at least SEE our son every day is challenging and stressful for me.
So while I’m happily content with my current situation, it’s my husband’s work schedule I wish could either change or just be consistent.
Oh well. We do what we can!
Great post, very thought-provoking!
Stephanie | February 9th, 2011 at 4:41 pm
I work full time, but am able to work from home 1 day per week. My commute is an hour each way, so one day a week I get to spend those extra 2 hours with my daughter; though the work is more difficult that day as I’m doing 2 full time jobs.
I would love to work part time, maybe 3 days per week and work 5 minutes from home or even be able to WALK to work. That would be awesome. I feel guilty that I miss time with my little girl. Luckily her grandparents watch her, so at least she’s with people she knows and they enjoy the time.
Amy | February 9th, 2011 at 4:55 pm
This depends on the time of year you ask me. If you asked me during the school year, I would just say that I love my job I only wish that I could leave in time to pick up my kids and have more time with them in the evenings. If you ask me in the summer, my ideal would be to stay at home and to supplement our income with a home business all my own. Of course, that’s a lot of work and quite frankly, even though I’m in an office a lot of the time, I feel like it actually allows me more quality time with my kids than trying to get a ton of work done at home would do. I don’t think I’m capable of creating that balance - I’d always be telling the kids to entertain themselves while I’m trying to get work done. Or procrastinating like crazy . . .
Anna | February 9th, 2011 at 5:03 pm
Oh, this is SUCH an interesting question. What I would want is a job that I love doing and that I’m good at, and that pays me enough money so that my husband could stay home with our kids, but not the kind of job where I have to work 100 hours a week and never be home either.
Instead, the sort of job I could get would probably not even pay for day care for two kids, and it would be something I don’t really like doing that much, so it’s not worth it for me to work at this point. Even if I found a job I LOVED, the things I love (working in a bookstore, for example) are the kinds of things that pay horrendously, so I still wouldn’t be making enough for my husband to stay home.
Elizabeth | February 9th, 2011 at 5:07 pm
Linda totally got me temporarily sidetracked with daydreams of watching movies all day. *sigh* While I’m doing that, someone else is cleaning my house and urging my daughter to please, PLEASE just eat a bite of something other than yogurt. Then when everything is clean and she is not in a stubborn mood, we walk to the park. *SIGH*
Truth is, even if the barriers were removed, I’d still work outside the home. I might like slightly shorter hours and a much shorter commute, but I truly need outside stimulation to feel like I’m living. I need the structure of a full-time job with responsibilities and goals, someone who holds me accountable for those responsibilities and goals, and quantitative compensation. A cleaner house and especially my little girl’s hugs are great, but a paycheck feels like I’ve accomplished something.
Amanda | February 9th, 2011 at 5:38 pm
For the most part, I like what I have…I teach, so I have summers and holidays with my kids. My daughter is at my school, so I get to see her here and there, and my son will be soon. I like that they see me choosing to work because I enjoy it - I want them to know that they can choose for themselves too (if their circumstances allow it). The only thing I don’t like is that sometimes school drains me so much that I’m just not much good in the afternoons/evenings for them. Hopefully the other days, holidays, summers, etc. make up for those times though. I did love it when we had a week off for snow and I got to be a SAHM, but I know if I really were one, it wouldn’t always be as fun as that week. Sometimes I think about quitting, but that’s more out of laziness (because teaching is HARD!) not because of the work/parent/etc. issues.
Suzannah | February 9th, 2011 at 5:42 pm
I used to think I wanted to be a SAHM more than anything else in the universe. There was much tears and much sadness regarding the frank inability to do so. We couldn’t afford it. We couldn’t(can’t) sell our house to afford it. So, that was that.
Then I took half of a summer off to live like I would have lived if I were a SAHM…and it was seriously hard. I was GLAD to go to work for a break. (Mind, I have a really great laid back job.) Since then I have decided that SAHMing full time is not for me. Also: cramming a full time job into part time work is not for me either. Whew, that was a work-intensive summer from all sides.
What do I miss? Not being able to volunteer at the kids’ schools as much as I would like (but really, could I do that with non-school age children and no childcare?) And I miss my kids a lot. I wish we had more time together than just the action packed evenings.
If I could have anything, I would work part-time at a truly part-time job and stay home the rest of the time. I always enjoyed the tail end of my maternity leave where I would take a bit of time to ease everyone back into things and work for 4 hours every day. Everyone gets to get out and be social and have things to do. I liked that.
Misty | February 9th, 2011 at 5:47 pm
I’ve been lucky enough that I’ve tried a few different work/SAH scenarios, so I’ve actually daydreamed about this a lot.
Ideally, I would work 2 days a week, say Tue & Thur from about 9am-4pm, in a job that I didn’t have to take home with me. There would be no after-hours work or stress. I’d show up, do my part and go home. It would have to be a high paying position so that I made more than enough to cover the costs of day care for those 2 days. Also, the commute would be short enough that I could bike or even walk to work.
So I can imagine exactly what I want, but I don’t think it exists in the real world.
Jenn | February 9th, 2011 at 5:59 pm
I think what I really want is a slightly improved version of what I have. I stay at home with my children and do some work at home (designing knitting patterns). I also work two days a week at a knitting shop, sometimes selling yarn and sometimes teaching knitting.
I would like to have my out of the home job be a lot more teaching than it is, and I would like to be able to hire someone to watch my children one day a week when I’m home so I could get more work done here. Okay, and I’d also like to hire a maid. HAHAHA. We are fantasizing here, right?
Annika | February 9th, 2011 at 6:08 pm
In my ultimate ideal world,I’d work about 15-20 hours per week outside the home, and be at home with the kiddo the rest of the time. Now that we’re past the infant stage, I really do like having a little bit of “grown up thinking” time outside the house, but I still wish I had more time with my son than a 40 hour work week allows.
Ginger | February 9th, 2011 at 6:26 pm
My answer would have been different a couple of years ago when the kids were younger, but now that all three are in school (the youngest will be full days next year), my ideal situation would be to work a 4-day week/3-day weekend at a job where I had the flexibility to work from home if the kids were sick or otherwise had a day off school. I would also have summers, Christmas and March Break off. Tacking on an extra day to the weekend would mean that I could schedule doctor appointments, classroom volunteering and routine errands into that one day, leaving the rest of my weekend free and clear with my kids.
LoriD | February 9th, 2011 at 6:39 pm
Thanks so much for writing about this topic in a way that really promotes honest and non-judgemental discussion. I really like how you are emphasizing we should think about what WE really want, not necessarily what others or “society” thinks we should want.
I think I had my ideal situation this past summer with a minor change. I work for a large state university that has great benefits and a variety of flexible work benefits (depending on the set up of your department). I took advantage of the “reduced seasonal hours” program this summer and was able to work 30/week from May through August. It was great because I set my schedule to still work 5 days a week, I just came in a little later and left early every day. I didn’t have to wake my son up to take him to daycare because we were able to leave the house later, we had time in the late afternoon/early evenings for fun activities like swim lessons and playing outside, I didn’t have a mad dash/stress over dinner every night AND I kept all of the full-time benefits. If I could take out the 35-45 minute commute each way, this would be perfect for us. I have expressed to my boss that I would really like the opportunity to do the reduced schedule permanently, not just in the summer (especially since baby #2 is arriving in April) but so far, that is not an option. At the very least, I am looking forward to another summer of reduced hours with a fun toddler (will he still be fun when the new baby arrives?) and a sweet new baby at home.
Therese | February 9th, 2011 at 7:17 pm
Well this is easy - I want to work when I want to work and then I want to stay home with the kids when I want to do that
Seriously though, I am always torn. I love my kids and I like my job. I just wish I had the option to work 2-3 days a week instead of 5 - unfortunately finances + my boss don’t allow for that.
I wish my work load was flexible enough that I could volunteer more in my son’s class and go in later on late-opening days. I wish I got to spend far more time with my 18-month old daughter. I want all of that but also want the intellectual stimulation and satisfaction of my work. The solution seems to be putting a lot more hours in the day which is about as likely right now as my being able to work less.
Eight years of being a mom and working FT and I have no more satisfactory solution than I did when I started.
Maggie | February 9th, 2011 at 7:26 pm
OH THIS IS SO GOOD.
Let’s see.
I want to work 9 to noon or maybe 1pm, three days per week, someplace with other people (I do the working-at-home thing now, and it’s not much of a break, I find.).
Like Devan, I want my hubbin to be the one watching our daughter during that time. Or she can be preschool age and in a preschool.
ALSO, often when I complain about the staying home thing, I’m just looking to hear other moms say OMG YES I AM TOTALLY BORED, TOO! Though mostly I feel like I’m actually really happy with my current role.
SIL Anna | February 9th, 2011 at 7:44 pm
This is great, Swistle! So many great and thoughtful comments . . . I was reading through them and going, “ooh, that sounds really good. Maybe . . . Oh wait, I hadn’t thought about THAT. That’s good too!”
Up until my daughter started Kindergarten in the Fall, I would most definitely have loved to stay home full time. We could have made that happen potentially but decided the finacial sacrifices of living on one salary (mostly w/o my kick-ass benefits) were not worth it for us. We were very fortunate to have help from our mothers so both kids were home with one or the other Grandma until they were around 3 and then in preschool. (my daughter started when I went back to work after maternity leave with my son and my son started when his sister went to Kindergarten so we only had to pay for one kid a a time)
Now that I can see the “light at the end of the tunnel” of full time school, I would probably mix it up a little more. Ideally, I’d like to work 9-3 and from home 2 or 3 times a week. And, as long as I’m dreaming, I would need the flexibility to be off during school vacations and SNOW days! So basically, I’d like to be working when my kids are busy at school and available to be with/care for them when they are not.
SallyG | February 9th, 2011 at 8:11 pm
This is what I am trying to figure out right now (in fact I wrote about it on my blog about a month ago). My academic career crashed and burned (too many Phds, too few jobs) around the same time I got pregnant with #2, so I’ve been home for almost six years now. There are advantages, of course, but it isn’t what I wanted and I am often lonely and bored and sad about what could have been. My younger child will start kindergarten in the fall and we could really use some extra income so I am scrambling to come up with a new career but I keep coming up blank. Sometimes I think I would like an office job so I could talk to grown-ups on a regular basis and sometimes I think that as a family we’ve gotten so used to having an at-home parent that something part-time from home would be best.
StephLove | February 10th, 2011 at 3:30 am
I would like dedicated, reliable, trustworthy, part-time child care so that I can work on my writing without 1) being interrupted 2) feeling guilty. OR I would like a low-pressure retail job because I’m a stay at home parent and oh WOW do I miss human contact. And I’m good at retail! Which feels like a weird thing to admit/be proud of when you’re in your 30s but… I’m good at retail!
Brigid Keely | February 10th, 2011 at 3:55 am
Someone very wise once wrote: I acknowledge my luckiness, without giving up my claim to the suckiness. This is a very timely post for me.
Luckiness: I work mornings (walking distance to my apartment) while my lovely inlaws watch my 1yo and while my almost 4-yo is in a daycare that I love. I’m also 16 weeks pregnant. I’m lucky that my DH has secure employment with good benefits, such that we can afford to be a 1.5-income family.
Suckiness: I feel like I’m *so close* to that balance and yet still miserable enough that I have fantasies of quitting my job teaching at a secondary school. Because, like Susannah said, teaching is HARD. And half-time teaching is way more than half the work but still half the pay. The thing that I’m feeing especially crappy about is that I KNOW I was a better teacher before I was a mother (please don’t revoke my feminist card). Obviously, my energy level at work is crappy. It was my greatest fear about becoming a mother - would the time and energy I rightfully devote to my children reduce my dedication to my students? It did. It’s demoralizing. Somebody PLEASE tell me that it gets better once the kids are school-aged.
It’s hard to imagine what could make it better. Free housekeeping and cooking would be awesome though. I just don’t think a perfect balance exists. It’s just a matter of making a good-enough-balance-for-now-that-is-also-subject-to-change.
Karen L | February 10th, 2011 at 4:11 am
Well, I could echo Dr. Maureen…and a bit of what Stephanie said.
I worked a 9-5 job 5 days a week (actually an 8-6 job with commuting) until I had my 2nd child last year. When I went back to work after maternity leave (still full time) I cried every day for two weeks and was miserable being away from the baby (and my older child, whom i’d just spent over 3 months with at home on maternity leave, during the summer). I thought all I wanted was to be a SAHM, that we’d pay off all of our bills and I’d quit and that would be that. Then we bought a vacation home, and my quitting seemed slightly less logical. We also realized we weren’t ready and willing to cut the things out of our budget that we enjoyed so very much. I didn’t know what the right choice was, but I knew I wasn’t happy.
Then, a job that I’d interviewed for previously (several months prior) but never heard anything more on resurfaced about a month after I returned from my leave. A job where I’d be home-based, but still have to go into the office two days a week. And it paid more money, a LOT more money. It was a tough decision, because even though I was unhappy with the work-home balance, I really did love my job and my coworkers.
I made the switch, and I am finding in some ways I am MUCH happier, and in other ways I still feel frustrated, but my frustrations are mainly pertaining to my job and the “lost” feeling of being new in a company and not having any co-workers to sit and train with. I find myself looking forward to my days in the office after a few consecutive days at home. I start feeling lonely, isolated, and overwhelmed trying to take care of the kids and work at the same time. For the first time today, I sent them both to daycare for part of the day while I worked from home, and I got SO MUCH done - both work and laundry.
Right now, my wish would be for someone to come and pick up all of the toys and crap and put it all away before our cleaning person comes every two weeks. You would think being at home would give me time to clean, but I am SO busy with work that the house is still a mess.
I am happy with what I have. I feel I am still contributing (and making good money) and also have plenty of time with the kids. I do wish my husband’s schedule allowed him to take part in more of the “getting the kids where they need to be in the morning” because it gets old doing it all by yourself every day. He leaves SUPER early, and still gets home at 5pm or so.
Christina | February 10th, 2011 at 4:11 am
I love my job teaching at a liberal arts college. Ideally, I would leave a little earlier every day — maybe at 4, not at 5, when I tend to actually disentangle myself — and get home in time to have a more relaxed dinner and evening with the family. Otherwise, my balance is just what I want. I have enough time at school that I almost always get my grading done there and don’t have to bring it home; my house is a terrible mess but I have a good husband to help. (Being able to afford a housekeeper would be great, though. That’s a fantasy.) During the summer, I have the kids half-time and do research work the rest of the time. It’s ideal for me.
Jenny | February 10th, 2011 at 5:04 am
I want 15-20 hours of contract work per week and I want it to pay obscenely well. For those 15-20 hours a week, I want out of home child care for my kids so I can actually get work done and they can play with friends and do messy art projects.
I want to spend the rest of my time organizing our lives and keeping track of appointments and making healthy meal plans. I want to play freeze tag in the yard and get tired of Candyland. I want to contribute to the household bottom line and continue the substantial investment I’ve made in my skills, but not at the expense of seeing their childhood pass me by in a haze of weekday evenings.
That’s what I want.
A'Dell | February 10th, 2011 at 5:09 am
I stay at home full time and I wouldn’t change that. For me staying at home is completely fulfilling in a way work never was. I worked full time when my daughter was a baby, and my husband stayed at home with her. And while that *seemed* like an ideal situation (I made excellent money, worked from home 3 days a week, and had great benefits) I really hated it. So when I got laid off we made the choice that I would stay at home and my husband would go back to work, even though he hasn’t finished school yet (he was in school while I was working.) That meant a salary cut of like 35%, not as great benefits, and a move, but it was totally worth it for us.
I don’t always think it’s easy to be at home, and some days I tell my husband he’s lucky that he gets to get up in the morning and leave for the day, but that’s not really what I want. And knowing that it IS my choice makes it easier. Reminding myself that this IS what I want (and having been on the other side means I really KNOW it’s what I want) helps make the bad days a little better.
Elsha | February 10th, 2011 at 5:24 am
I think I currently have the best of both worlds as I work part-time and stay home with my daugter the rest of the time. I get to leave the house and make my own spending money but I also don’t feel guolty leaving my baby girl with someone that she’s with more than me.
That being said I also have issues with this situation. Of course I feel like I’m not using my full potential. I also wish I made more money to help our house be more financially secure. I’m very lucky in the aspect that it works for me right now. But I also know there is soon going to come a time that I have to light a fire under my butt and get full time work.
But what I hear when I say these things is that the grass really is always greener “over there”. If I stayed home all the time id wish I was contributing more. If I worked full time id feel guilty not being with the LO as much. I’m not sure how anyone ever makes complete peace with their situation but hopefully one day ill figure it out.
Nik-Nak | February 10th, 2011 at 5:28 am
I am a stay at home mom and I sometimes wish I worked part time out of my home….well, sometimes I actually long for a full time job. Not to get away from my kids though….There is that part of me that is sort of buried now that wanted a career. You know how when you meet people and they ask you what you “do”? I always feel the need to say what I used to do before kids so they know there is more to me than being a mom.
However, I am 100% sure I want to be with my kids every hour of every day that I possibly can, especially while they are young. I am lucky to have that choice and there is not one single part of me that wants to put them in daycare so I can pursue my career. If there was a way for me to have a career and never ever be away from my kids, I would want to do it….but that would require me to work at night and never sleep. If I needed to work for financial reasons, I would be happiest with having a close family member watch the kids…like my mother or in-laws, but they all live far away.
I actually did send my oldest (now 4) to a home daycare one morning a week for a few months before she started preschool and she LOVED it! I did it because I had a newborn and needed that break. So, I guess I don’t always need to be around my kids every second of the day to be happy, but you know what I mean. As much as they drive me crazy, I just love being home with them and I am trying to just take it all in as much as I can, while I can.
Heather R | February 10th, 2011 at 6:00 am
Hmmm… I think I agree with some other comments/allusions that “work” can be “easier” than staying home full time. The hard part is what you’re asking- the ‘balance’ part. I have a good job that’s 30 hours a week… about 6-10 hours are set because of events, and the other 20 or so I can choose when to go into the office, within reason.
But there’s always more work than the 30 hours, even when I’m super efficient (honestly, not every week!). And everyone here knows that being a mom /having a life means more work than 24 hours in a day… So the hard part *for me* is the transition time…. when do I call it a day at work and head home? Can I leave the tasks undone for another day or 2 or 3? And when I’m home, when do I decide I’ve accomplished enough off the house to-do list to leave for work? Or have enough me-time and am sane enough to fall asleep? (Obviously, not yet tonight). Those transitions are what gets me.
So if I could have my current job with more supervising volunteers instead of running actual programs… that would free up some daytime so I could work 5 less hours and not have piles building up all over the desk…. and a month off for December and July (each)… that would be just about ideal, I think.
and now I’m wondering if it’s possible… hmmm…
Kris | February 10th, 2011 at 6:33 am
Have to echo the “kindness and dignity” comment above … Well put! Your writing is so THOUGHTFUL, yay.
I’m not a mom, even; I read you because I enjoy how reasonable you are. And this is a great example of that. (And relatable for non-moms, too; I found myself thinking about my own life choices and circumstances and asking the “What do you want?” question about those.)
Also while I was reading, I thought to myself, “How great to be raised by a mom like that!” You’re teaching your kids the skills they need to think — and talk — wisely and kindly about their life choices. I know, that’s, like, DUH, PARENTING. But the truth is a lot of people don’t do it very well; your kids are lucky.
Anonymous | February 10th, 2011 at 8:26 am
I’ve read every single comment and I’m happy to find that what I want is about the same as what a lot of other people want. My same job description, same pay/benefits, but with a reduced-hours schedule and the flexibility to work from home if needed.
I think I’d structure it like this: 8-3 Monday thru Thursday, Fridays off. I don’t know who invented a five-day work week, but they made a mistake. It should truly only be FOUR.
el-e-e | February 10th, 2011 at 1:41 pm
I stay at home and am so happy about that (although WORD on the housekeeper wishes), but I do wonder about what I’ll do (Work from home? Work at the school?) when all the kids are in school. In…five years. I like to worry ahead.
Nowheymama | February 10th, 2011 at 1:48 pm
I’m at home this year after having worked full-time/parenting for seven years. I am to go back to work part-time next year and have such mixed feelings. I have enjoyed my year off (we moved, so I took this year to help the kids/family with the transition). I like teaching, but am hoping to do so on a part-time basis, probably as a substitute. If I would work hours that would also let me get my kids to/from school, that would be awesome. I just don’t think it’s possible.
I enjoyed the me that I was at work and I miss that sometimes. But I have so enjoyed the flexibility of our schedule this year and there has also been an amazing lack of stress. That has been great.
Melanie | February 10th, 2011 at 2:42 pm
In the past, 20 hours of work a week - out of the home - was perfect for me.
For the kids, I’d like to live closer to family. You simply can’t buy the kind of childcare that a loving, willing, extended family can offer. Grandparents can be particularly wonderful.
For my husband, no more than 40 hours a week with a commute of less than 20 minutes, so he can be more at home.
Ann | February 10th, 2011 at 4:23 pm
I am exceptionally lucky. In Canada we have 1 year mat leaves so I was able to be a stay at home mom with my little bunny for a year. I used surplus vacation time and took another month. At 13 months, she started at a day home and I went back to work. This is pretty ideal because she needed more socialization at that point and I just don’t know many people with kids and I am not the kind of person to join a group. At that point I started to feel my hermit tendancies kick in and I really, really, did NOT like other people (including friends). Everyone annoyed me and it was time to try to reconnect with humanity (again, this is not something I would do without obligations with consequences). LB also needed to hear more talking and at that point I was starting to turn inward and was worried that I would stunt her development if I didn’t get her out more. The lady that runs the dayhome talks a lot and she’s there with older kids and a younger kid so she learns how to play with both. It has been very good for her.
My reguar job is really a once-in-a-life-time job. It is flexible if LB is sick. They are good, they don’t want to you do put in extra hours, really nice people to be around, and great pay. Good amount of vacation, built in days off (I never work between christmas eve and the third of january, lots of long weekends), I may even be able to buy more days off in the summer, I can bank any extra time I put in during crunch times. Mentally stimulating, satisfying and it is the perfect job for me and my personality. It really helps me to be a better person and I honestly can see myself in this job in twenty years. I went to a conference for people with my job a few years ago and was blown away to meet hundreds of women who love their jobs, are enthusiastic about them, have outside interests, families, and were well-balanced, fun, happy people. I had never been around any women (beyond the two I worked with) that I could see myself aging into before. That said, in a perfect world for the next couple of years I would do this job for less time each week. Maybe an hour less each day, or one day less each week.
Oh, and I agree with everyone that also chose their spouses to work fewer hours. I wish His Nibs would have a plain old straight job, 9-5, with weekends and evenings free. It’s a moot point, though, because he’d probably just find a way to fill it with videogames. Can I wish away the games too?
The end.
Great thread ladies!
bunnyslippers | February 10th, 2011 at 5:39 pm
What I REALLY want is to continue to stay at home like I do now, but instead I would not provide in-home daycare for other children. I would focus on just my family and my home and taking care of those I love the most, because that is what I enjoy the most.
Nicole | February 10th, 2011 at 7:15 pm
I’ve been working full time, albeit with flexible hours in terms of arriving and leaving, since my daughter was 8 weeks old (she’s now 11.5 months). My job is great - and I’m working independently (Univ research lab). I’ve invested too much time in grad school and training to be satisfied with staying home. It’s a terrible time crunch sometimes. And, I’ll be off work - in between lab jobs for 3 weeks. After that I’ll go to part-time for several months while training, and then back to full time. It will be interesting to see how that works out, maybe I’ll change my mind about liking work full-time. My daughter will stay in ’school’ full time anyway - she loves it too much, and I can’t imagine her being happy with suddenly being away from her friends and all the excitement.
Of course, my MIL was a SAHM to 3 kids, and always makes it known she can’t understand how I don’t want to stay home with my daughter and that she is probably getting awful care. It’s taken a long time for her to realize that her granddaughter is thriving and happy with this situation, and that her DIL is as well.
So, yes, I want what I have - full time work, with flexibility. And I’m thankful every time I go pump, or have to leave early for a doctor’s appt, that I have this set-up.
Holly | February 10th, 2011 at 7:37 pm
I work 7:30-4:30, which is the perfect schedule for me right now. I don’t know how or if I will want to change it when my son starts school, but I do feel like I have some flexibility at my job. I also love that in the summer my schedule is to work 9 days and get the 10th day off.
The only thing I would change would be to have a zero minute commute! I waste way too much time getting too and from work, though my early schedule does cut down on my time in traffic.
-R- | February 10th, 2011 at 7:38 pm
Wow, this is a really well written and sensitive post. The topic is so often fraught with tension, and you have addressed it so well.
I am a SAHM and I like it. I’m happy with it. I should point out that the only times I wanted to go back to work were to a) have coffee by myself, b) go to the bathroom by myself, c) use my expense account to buy fancy lunches, or d) wear pretty clothes. So those are not really great reasons to go back to work, I think.
I love being at home with the kids and I love writing my little blog, and so I’m happy and I don’t want to change a thing.
Nicole at the Boy House | February 10th, 2011 at 10:09 pm
My greatest desire is twofold:
1) Go back to school and learn everything I can about anything I’m interested in. Basically become a perpetual student.
2) Become a professional stage singer and perform in Gilbert & Sullivan operettas. Get paid for being silly in front of as many people as possible, while wearing gorgeous costumes. Bliss!
Neither of these desires are possible as a SAHM, Home Schooling mom of four young children, so they will probably forever remain a pipe dream. Ah well.
Sarah | February 10th, 2011 at 10:55 pm
What I want? Besides an awesome live in maid/cook/shopping buddy? Oh, wait, darn Linda, you got me dreaming.
I’m a teacher and currently pregnant with my first child. If money wasn’t an issue, I’d l-o-v-e to teach half-time/job share with someone else. That way, I can still get out of the house so I didn’t go stir crazy, but I wouldn’t miss everything. I’m hoping summers, breaks, holidays, snow days, etc., help make up for it. Unfortunately, if I went half-time, not only would we have to move to a crap school district where my kids would have a different school schedule, but our insurance costs would quadruple. (Husband also teaches in the same district. So we get a giant health insurance discount because our employer pays the same amount it would normally if we were single employees and we’re on 1 policy instead of 2. We’d still have to pay some if we were on single coverage, but our employer pays a flat amount towards insurance for every employee, we just make up the difference in the premium cost).
Hobbychanger | February 10th, 2011 at 11:11 pm
I used to have my perfect situation, so I know exactly what my ideal is: being a mostly-SAHM with 10-15 hours per week of steady (ideally one steady client) freelance work. That was just enough work to fit in pretty easily around naptimes, bedtimes, weekends, and school hours without feeling like I never had any free time; it was also just enough “professional” time that I felt like I was keeping myself relevant and giving my brain a little bit of exercise.
It meant that I could do activities with my girls, send them to preschool instead of daycare, and be there for them at the drop of a hat. I had time to enjoy my kids instead of just rushing constantly to get them from here to there, clothed and fed. I almost never had to say “No, we can’t play, we have to hurry…” - now I say it probably twice a day. Per kid.
Now I have a slightly-more-than-fulltime job that’s probably the ideal dream of a lot of people (I work from home full time, and have incredibly flexible hours in general), and I find myself wanting to smack myself for hating it when it’s an awesome situation. It’s just not the situation I want.
Unfortunately, two years of more or less continuous unemployment on my husband’s side have made me too skittish to consider leaving even though he’s working again. I’m all too familiar with how delicate that can be, so I’m feeling stuck with this job for the foreseeable future.
Liss | February 10th, 2011 at 11:23 pm
so many different situations here. i always wonder how various families in different situations handle things like snow or sick days while balancing work and other obligations. i feel like i’ve been very lucky to be in the perfect situation FOR US (that goes without saying, right?). my husband and i are both in sales, so we’re (mostly) commissioned employees. we’ve both worked for our respective companies for a long time, so when our daughter came along 4 years ago we were already established, well- regarded employees. neither of us wanted to stop working, but we were both able to cut back to a degree where we can still earn what we need and have a great deal of flexibility. when my daughter was 5 weeks old i was still on leave, but i was DYING to get out of the house a little. my MIL started watching her one day a week until she was about 3 mos old, then we supplemented that with a 2 day a week babysitter with my husband and me covering the rest of the childcare time. when she was nearly 3 we added in pre- school. now she’s 4 and in pre -school 5 days a week (half days) with some after care hours, too. next year pre K is 5 (full, 9-3) days a week, which really allows for my husband and i to get a lot of work done, with switching off on the 3:00 pick up time. i realize that it is unusual to be able to make 2 full -time salaries on those hours, so we feel really lucky (plus we really focus when we’re at work- I always say I really “pack it all in” during those hours). lots of times we are also on our laptops after my daughter goes to bed at night to catch up with work, which is fine considering the other flexibility we have. i feel luck to have this arrangement.
Beth | February 11th, 2011 at 2:54 pm
I work outside the home full time and I love my job, the company I work for and the people I work with. However, if I could work “school hours” (9-3) instead of 8-5 I think so much of the “working mom guilt” would be relieved. I hate that my daughter can’t participate in activities that start at 3 PM on the weekdays and the days I have wake the baby up so I can make it to work on time are harsh. I also hate the days when I have a “lazy evening” the night before and don’t prep the next day’s dinner because this means a hectic hodge-podge of pantry crap thrown together and called dinner. But I can’t imagine myself not working - I really do love what I do. And I love having my lunch hour to run kid-free errands, and my work friendships and the fact that my son does 90% of his pooping at daycare so I rarely have to change a gross diaper. And the house cleaning service we can afford.
(this is, of course, all assuming that cutting 3 hours off my work day would still result in a paycheck that makes daycare affordable and that we could afford to keep our weekly cleaning service. I don’t think I could give up the cleaning service for anything - can you tell we just started with this a few weeks ago? I love cleaning day)
kakaty | February 11th, 2011 at 4:52 pm
I like my current situation for the most part. I work full-time at a stress free job. I’m 6 months pregnant and have 1 child in daycare. I work on an Air Force base with the best daycare in the Metro. My son loves the place and I do too. If I could change some things it would be my Husbands job. I wish he worked at the Air Force base too and didn’t have to work every other Saturday. Although I will say that we are lucky in that once our work day ends we don’t have more work to do at night EVER.
I’m just that type of woman who feels I have way too many degrees under my belt to just stay home and not use it. Also, I guess from reading posts on this site that i’m different because I don’t have any mommy guilt of going to work everyday. I really like my job and the daycare so that helps. I was bored out of my mind on maternity leave. I get cabin fever staying in the house all day even on the weekend. Me and my son like to be on the go (museums, mall etc) We are limited to indoors a lot during the winter months because we live in Ohio. I’ve calculated that I spend just as much time with my son before and afterschool and weekends as he does in daycare. That is plenty for me. Plus I go visit him at daycare 1-2 times per week.
The only thing I stress about now is how the dynamics will be different when we add another baby to the mix (mainly how am I going to shuffle my active toddler and infant into daycare everyday LOL).
I guess what I want could change when my kids start school to be able to get off work in time to pick them up. But with flex-hours I could probably do that by just coming in earlier.
ACL | February 11th, 2011 at 6:41 pm
I would work two 4-hour shifts per week, that would be it. Enough to get out of the house and feel like I have a reason to get dressed nicely but still be home more often than not….which seems to be what a few people are saying.
It’s tricky, I’ve been back to work almost 4 months and I still don’t like it. I thought it would get better, but it’s not. In fairness, when I’m actually THERE I don’t sit around getting teary and longing for my son, but when I have extended time off with him or even just a full entire day I can’t help but think that there’s no job in the world worth being away from him.
Yet on the other hand I felt a bit like by month 11 of maternity leave (I live in Ontario, Canada so I got a full year) I was getting a bit stir crazy and felt like I was taking the time off for granted….not using it wisely, just kind of wasting the days.
Sarah | February 11th, 2011 at 11:04 pm
It strikes me as odd that few people have mentioned wanting to be self-employed. Not that people have said that they don’t want to be unemployed but I would have figured that a lot of people would associate self-employment with flexibility and fulfillment.
Karen L | February 12th, 2011 at 6:58 am
d’oh. That should read, “don’t want to be self-employed.”
Karen L | February 13th, 2011 at 3:37 am
I would like to do both. I would like to work outside my house part-time and stay home with my kids the rest of the time.
I’d love to be one of those moms that’s satisfied with staying home full-time, but I get bored. And lonely. I’d love to have a couple of days of being with grown-ups and earning some money instead of playing Play-doh and watching The Wonder Pets one more time.
I seem to have a limited amount of patience for staying at home and even less patience with the reduced budget that accompanies not being a worker bee.
In writing this comment, I’ve identified that what I REALLY want is to REALLY want what I have, no matter what option that is.
Erica | February 14th, 2011 at 2:12 am
I want to know where Bunnyslippers works, because her job sounds awesome.
Devan | February 14th, 2011 at 2:53 am
You guys, I have had SUCH a wonderful time reading these comments. You were all SO nice and SO civil. I also think it’s so neat to hear all the different possibilities there ARE: some of them I hadn’t thought of.
Swistle | February 15th, 2011 at 4:40 pm
I totally cried reading these comments. I work full time in a flexible but demanding/stressful job. I miss my nearly one year old and I know she misses me too.
If we could live comfortably on just my husbands income I would quit my job in a heartbeat.
M | February 16th, 2011 at 5:38 am
You phrased this perfectly–you understand people so well.
I’ve now had just about every part of the spectrum. I have worked full-time, I have left a job to stay at home, I have been unwillingly unemployed (going on to over a year now), I have attempted working from home (sort of), and I have worked part-time. I have not been 100% happy with any of them.
While my babies were BABIES, say that first six months or year of their lives, I think I would have preferred to be home full-time. At about a year, I think I would have needed to get back to work at least part-time.
Now that my kids are all school-aged, I think that part-time work without any AngryBossOutToGetMe is my best option. I need to get out of the house. I need adult interaction. I am a HORRIBLE housekeeper, even when I’m home all day, so that’s not a reason to stay home now. (I also do not seem to work from home so well, but I think some tweaking of the home setting–a home office that is actually an office and not a room full of DUST and JUNK that happens to house a computer–would probably help my motivation/comfort a bit there.) But I don’t want to go back to a job like I had previously where I was fearing for my job and cringed every time the phone rang and it was the school/daycare, and the kids were sick, and I had to take time off. It was horrible and stressful and one of the biggest reasons I left THAT job. So! I’ve started trying part-time temp jobs to see how it goes. The pay is not-so-great, but I still get out of the house, and the employers usually don’t care if I have to miss work due to sick kids since they don’t have to pay me anyway. (But now that we’re not depending so much on MY income, it’s easier for me to skip that day’s pay now instead of WORRYING about how we were going to buy groceries/diapers when the kids were babies. An advantage I have at this moment.)
I think that when the kids are even older–say all in middle/high school, I may want to go back to full-time. I think I will want to challenge myself more at that point.
Long story short–I am trying part-time right now, and it fits better in my life CURRENTLY, but every time there are changes, I wish for the flexibility to try something else to see how it fits in.
Carrie | February 19th, 2011 at 4:58 pm