Mommy Needs a Business
with Kristen
Mommy Needs a Business is all about the joys of running your own business. You never drafted a complete business plan, you couldn't be further from your law school degree and you are now referring to your 12 years of law enforcement as your "former life." But you get to screen print tee shirts in your pajamas while pulling your toddler and preschooler out of vats of ink. What more could a mom want?
Check out Kristen's blog, Mommy Needs a Cocktail.
At this rate, someone will even be giving women a right to vote soon
Categories: Mommy Needs a Cocktail, Mompreneur, Not everyone agrees with you
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This weekend I sold my shirts at a local city fair. I always get a bit of a reaction from my Mommy Needs a Cocktail line and every so often it isn’t always positive. I’m cool with that. Some mothers rear their children all while never having a drop of alcohol touch their lips. My intent isn’t to offend, but I certainly don’t expect everyone to appreciate my stunningly fabulous sense of humor. To me Mommy Needs a Cocktail doesn’t mean you need to drink a fifth of scotch before breakfast in order to make it through the day. Although finding 6 packs of Forever stamps stuck to everything other than mail today might make me reconsider. But it really is just a joke. It’s supposed to lighten your mood for those Forever stamps days.
Recently I explained to someone who asked about the name “Mommy Needs a Cocktail” that it is that exact time of the day when you have just simultaneously cleaned the green paint off your blue carpet and chewed your three year old out for what I believe we are calling “poor choices” these days only to turn around to find your 1 year old has had the green paint the entire time you have been cleaning and has now redecorated the dining room floor as well.
Mommy Needs a Cocktail. She doesn’t have to pour herself one at 1:30 p.m. but it’s safe to say she needs one.
But Monday I got a reaction that I had never had before when an attractive single guy walked up with his much younger girlfriend. He looked like someone I would have dated in my former life. Devilishly attractive, executively employed, not quite as brilliant or funny as he thinks he is.
Guy: MOMMY NEEDS A COCKTAIL?
K: Um, yeah.
Guy: What’s that?
K: Um, mommy. needs. a. cocktail.
I flashed to Winona Ryder in Reality Bites. The definition of “irony” being something that is ironic.
Guy: (laughing) Well, that just sends out the wrong message.
K: And what message would that be?
Guy: If mommy needs a cocktail, then she really needs to get herself a job and drop some weight.
He then ran. Which I think was a brilliant move on his part. If you are a conscientious objector, I get it. If you are talking out of your, well, you know, you are opening yourself up for mockery on the Internet. I thanked him for the blog material as he ran away.
The title of this post was what I said to him. What would you have said?
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Honestly? I would have turned to his much younger, presumably attractive girlfriend and asked her (loudly) if she had enjoyed the sneak peek into her future with that guy…
Lylah | May 27th, 2008 at 7:58 pm
Guys like that give us relatively stable XYs a bad name….
I think your comment was right on, though the concept of universal suffrage was probably too deep for him to grasp….
I might have made some comment like “If mommies got jobs, then how would a guy like you find work?”
deichmans | May 27th, 2008 at 9:01 pm
wow. i don’t think i can actually post what i would have said to him. some men never cease to amaze me!
i read your blog every day, and you always make me laugh - and on many occasions the laughter is better than any cocktail i could ever imagine. thank you
Michelle | May 27th, 2008 at 9:23 pm
First of all, I can sing the soundtrack from Reality Bites forward and back Thank you for that reference.
Second, mommy. needs. a. cocktail. NOW. I may not take it but hells yeah.
And third. What would I have said? Hmm…Mommy can kick your ass from here until cocktail hour on Thursday so you betta run, sucka.
Mandy | May 27th, 2008 at 9:30 pm
Ugh! I would have told him to stop being bitter and pay his damn child support. Too bad he got busted with the intern….
{tugging at the neck of my shirt} Lord, I need a freakin’ cocktail!
Danielle | May 27th, 2008 at 9:32 pm
What would I have said? Maybe “You still have Mommy issues of your own, don’t you?”
Beware the attractive, apparently successful, single man demonstrating a need to display his “intelligence” to a girlfriend too young to sustain rational thought: there’s likely a serious defect just under the surface.
I think you earned your cocktail!
Amy | May 27th, 2008 at 10:34 pm
And this is where a pregnant sidekick would have kicked his tail for you. If her fat butt could have caught him … there weren’t any cookies or cakes there right?
I’m apparently having the man hating pregnancy, just ignore my evil comments for the next few months. My husband will be moving out in fear by Halloween.
Bellamomma | May 28th, 2008 at 12:03 am
“You’re looking at the wrong stack…our Daddy Needs a Mouth-Doucheing shirts are over here.”
tvtown | May 28th, 2008 at 3:56 am
Hope your wife loses 195 pounds of stupid male!
fulltimeworkingmommy | May 28th, 2008 at 9:09 am
Great Reality Bites reference!!!
Hmmmm, what would I have said…..
“Ahhhh, now I see why you can’t find a woman your own age”
Jessica | May 28th, 2008 at 9:39 am
The fact that this guy is still a bachelor dating unsuspecting young women explains it all. And frankly, that it is what I would have said to him. Jackass
Danyelle | May 28th, 2008 at 10:04 am
Oh, that’s definitely one of those situations where I wouldn’t have said anything nearly as witty as I could have come up with later. I’d have blogged it too–and replayed it endlessly, with all my witty comeback lines.
But all that said, I STILL don’t have any witty comeback lines. *sigh* I liked Mandy’s though
Angela James | May 28th, 2008 at 10:09 am
What a douche. We take for granted the fact that most grown ups are generally not close-minded idiots (unless of course you are like me and have roots in the Deep South, in which case you just have to overlook those poor people). Couldn’t have thought of a better response myself. At least you can take comfort in the fact that he will very soon be a 64 year old man with no trace of good-looking anywhere to be found constatnly wondering why he’s single. At least you got a good blog post out of his idiocy.
So, do I get a chance to win a shirt? I really want to throw a MNAC party because I LOVE your stuff, but I was the first one to have a kid. I’m waiting on my friends to catch up. Hope all is well!
Kia | May 28th, 2008 at 10:22 am
What a jerk! I’m with Kia regarding men in the south. I have to put up with some close-minded men at work, and I just shake my head and think “bless their heart”. I’m not a mommy yet, but I definitely need an Auntie needs a cocktail shirt, cause I could use a cocktail right now!!
Kim | May 28th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
haha wow, i dont know why i am always amazed at what dumb things people can say… i think i would have just given him a death glare because my mind would be overloaded with ’stoop to that level’ things.
I love the name, i love the whole concept, and i agree with your assessment of your funniness!
there are MNAC parties?! really?
Kia - i am in the same boat - none of my local friends have kiddos!
Kate | May 28th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
I love that he ran.
I used to do the craft shows back in the day (I made bags) and the stuff people would say out loud ASTOUNDED me.
Gotta run, my 7 year old is trying to bring me a Corona WITHOUT the lime and I must beat her for her stupidity.
carolyn | May 28th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
“Dumb A$$” He’s not worth burning any more brain cells over to think of something more witty. Good thing he had the sense to run! Let’s hope it opened the eyes of the twinkie he was with
MelissaS | May 28th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
I talk about mommy needing a cocktail all the time & I certainly wouldn’t mind wearing it on my tshirt emblazoned across my boobs. But on the back, I’d add:
“Particularly to cope with nosey people like you who can’t keep their unsolicited opinions to themselves.”
Okay, that sounds too bitchy. How about:
“Sorry - don’t remember asking for your opinion on that one.”
Aliza | May 28th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
Ok so your comment was way better than what I would of come up with.
I probably would of said something like
“Well apparently your Momma must of had a Fifth when she was carrying you.”
Terri | May 28th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
Kris…can I break his leg’s for you?
I know where he is…he’s playing backgammon with the want to be’s
Sucker…do the crime…do the time!
A real man is one who can survive his wife’s
pregnancy without being institutionalized.
Love Dad
Hey Kris...it's your Dad | May 28th, 2008 at 5:55 pm
Mommy Needs A Baseball Bat.
Douchenozzle.
Karen Sugarpants | May 28th, 2008 at 7:55 pm
Oh and welcome to the team!! XO
Karen Sugarpants | May 28th, 2008 at 7:56 pm
He failing out of Asshoooles Annonymous
John | May 28th, 2008 at 8:45 pm
I think you handled yourself very well. Let him stay at home with a few kids and THEN we’ll see how he feels, lol.
Shannon | May 29th, 2008 at 7:13 am
Well, I just commented on the wrong post! Yikes! I think the guy is an idiot!
Missy | May 29th, 2008 at 8:08 am
ah, yeah. we have the coolest dad in the entire universe!
kate | May 29th, 2008 at 8:24 am
If I were you, I would have reached out and grabbed his chest hair (I’m assuming he wore a bad 70’s shirt, opened to his navel, gold chain and a bad porno movie moustache) pulled him closer until his High Karate cologne gagged you and said, “It’s obvious that your Mother needed more than a few drinks, that would explain why she forgot to eat her young. Hopefully your neutered as I’d hate to thing of poor Muffy here needing a few jobs to support your kids while you piss away my tax money on your PBR & Pork Rind habit”
Mark | May 29th, 2008 at 11:34 am
OH.MY.GOWD. That it is sooooooooo sweet that your dad is here defending your honor!!! Go Dad!
Jessica | May 29th, 2008 at 11:40 am
I never think of clever things to say, so you all rock and I am envious of everyone’s wit either during or after the fact… I’m sure I would have just sat in utter disbelief, shaking my head at his stupidity wishing that I had a clever retort…
PS…Love your blog and your humor, and I’m a working mom who has two jobs…one outside the home, and the other one I come home to…I, frequently, need a cocktail too. That may not get a lot of play here, but I wanted you to know that I appreciate you too!
aka Alice | May 29th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Words fail me. Just feel better knowing that guy will either:
1. get married and have a wife who gets pregnant and has kids and starts to understand (while he gains “sympathy” weight and will never utter such stupidity again); or
2. never marries and is that creepy 60 year old hitting on 30 year olds, cause he still thinks he has it (but doesn’t)…
I think option #2 is looking more realistic.
Cathy | May 29th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
Oooh, I think I’d punch him out. Seriously.
I need to get me one of those shirts. Please?
Carmen | May 30th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
What an ass-wipe. I would never have been able to think of something to say on the spot like that, so I think your response was perfect and brilliant.
Miz S | May 31st, 2008 at 10:46 am
I’d have told his girlfriend, “Run, Girl, run while you still can!” He probably is the same kinda guy who spouts off that he’d rather burn in hell than vote for a woman. Scary. And, y’know what? I can tell you first
hand: Sometimes even rockin’ moms need. a. cocktail. Right on, Girlfriend.
mommapolitico | June 1st, 2008 at 8:29 pm
I don’t think you can print what I would have said to him.
Shannon | June 2nd, 2008 at 1:01 pm
I just found your blog today and read about that guy! WOW!
I would have liked to have seen him make a comment like that in front of his mom! what a jacka$$.
P.S. love your t-shirt idea - i would love a cocktail - I would really LOVE a cocktail…but where o’where is the time for a cocktail? If I could slip one in at 10am I’m sure I would! lol As a mom, there is a HUGE difference between expressing that you NEED a cocktail and actually having one. I’ll take both…
Brooke | June 3rd, 2008 at 4:12 pm
hmmm… I weigh the same after having 2 kids as I did when I graduated high school, run my own law firm from my home and still have the desire for a cocktail around 3 pm, when 2 little boys who SHOULD know better have not only used my $.42 a piece “stickers” all over the house but date stamped the entire dining room table. Wonder what he’d look like after a day at my “job”.
Sorry you had to meet such a jerk. I think Mommy needs a cocktail is a fantastic idea. In fact, I might just have one some night if I can stay awake long enough.
Chris Sheridan | June 12th, 2008 at 7:59 pm
Ahhhhhhhhhh ya missed the snappy comeback of the century. Hey You, Out of the gene pool. Your blog is the first I have been too, and I’m loving it. You truely are the new Irma Bomback, God I hope I got her last name right.
Brooks | June 17th, 2008 at 5:36 am