Moms On Issues
with Sara and Veronica
We're two moms with different backgrounds, jobs and points of view, writing about our opinions on the political and social issues affecting working moms. We'll also keep our eye on the media and the celebrity mom world to highlight issues that are relevant to your life.
Check out our personal blogs: Veronica's Blog and Sara's Blog
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I have a confession - I was a finalist for the 2006 Swiffer Amazing Woman of the Year. The call went out for nominations and many thought it was stereotypical for a cleaning product to name amazing women. Of course I went directly to the fine print and rules. No where did it say that the amazing woman had to keep a clean house. This was important because I’m a lucky gal in that my husband is the one who keeps us from living in a pit of dirty dishes and laundry. If we were to tally up the hours each of us spends on chores I believe it would be at least a 60/40 split (some weeks far more towards the 80/20 end) with my husband on the losing end. I know we’re a rare pair, but among our hetero-couple friends, it’s fairly common for them to be engaged in an egalitarian relationship when it comes to chores and raising the kids. Obviously I didn’t win and it was pretty embarrassing asking co-workers to vote for me on the internet for a chance to spend the summer promoting Swiffers. But I really did want to promote the idea of egalitarian relationships - Maybe that doomed me, eh? I also wanted the cash prize $5,000 for a nonprofit of my choice.
Whether you work in a cubicle downtown or in your fuzzy slippers during nap time, all working moms have to manage housework on top of our paid work. According to a new study by lead researcher Frank Stafford, an economist at University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research, when women get married, the amount of housework we do goes up. It goes up again once we have kids (that’s a no brainer, eh?).
Overall, times are a’ changing in the American home. In 1976, women busied themselves with 26 weekly hours of sweeping-and-dusting work, compared with 17 hours in 2005. Men are pitching in more, more than doubling their housework hours from six in 1976 to 13 in 2005.
Stafford analyzed time-diaries and questionnaires from a nationally representative sample of men and women over a 10-year period between 1996 and 2005. The federally-funded study showed that, compared with the single life, marriage meant more housework for both men and women.
Despite this slight imbalance of who does the housework (look at the numbers, it’s only 4 hours), advertising appears to be addressing both moms and dads. In the study, Is Mom Still Doing It All? Reexamining Depictions of Family Work in Popular Advertising, in the Journal of Family Issues (Vol. 29), advertising is moving from solely targeting moms to targeting, well, this ambiguous person who does the housework. It is unclear if the ambiguity is due to being gender neutral or relying on the fact that their ads run in magazines with a 70-80 percent women readers that women will know they are the target. Another finding is that with advertising all dads are weekend dads, in other words many of the ads that do feature dads show them doing fun things not chores.
On the other hand, fathers are depicted as less involved with child care and housework and, instead, as having fun in their father role…For example, food advertisements that depicted fathers generally showed the father eating with the child instead of preparing a meal for or feeding the child. Fathers were shown camping with their children, waiting at the dinner table for mom to serve the meal, or playing with his kids in the backyard. Even advertisements which focused on the dad and food failed to show him cooking. For example, one advertisement exclaims “Lucky girl, you’ve got a Splenda daddy,” only to show a little girl enjoying ice cream while being carried on her father’s shoulders in the backyard.
All these studies leave me perplexed. Are we moving towards a more egalitarian society where dads care for their children and don’t babysit them? Does it matter that cleaning products are directed towards a generic “you” instead of dad or mom? Could this be the recognition of more child-free households who do clean? Yes, these are questions that run through my head at any given moment of the day.
Why? Because as the number of two income families increase, the other stuff - kids, cleaning, relaxation, fun, reading - ya know, all the stuff that make up life outside of the cube, there needs to be a sharing of those things. Kids need their dads, moms need to put the IKEA furniture together, and everyone should help out with the laundry. So to answer my question…Who fries it? I’d say it depends on whose turn it is to cook.
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i like this article! i am guessing ‘egalitarian relationship’ is a more equal partnership? i have not heard the term before
but this is exactly what i have with my hubby and those ads that ALWAYS only seem to feature the woman doing everything annoy me. of course, ads tend to put women in ads to sell to women AND men because women see themselves in that ad and men see, well, a hot babe that might motivate them to purchase the product. lol
Kate | April 9th, 2008 at 8:31 am
Great post! I was recently asked to name my “least-favorite mom chore.” Everyone else had written in cleaning, laundry, etc., and I thought, “Why do those have to be mom chores?” (I wrote in juggling)…
Lylah | April 9th, 2008 at 11:11 am
Even if dad is doing more housework these days, I wonder if it’s still primarily mom purchasing the cleaning supplies… I’ve always thought an ad that suggests “if you buy this product your husband will clean more” would be a big hit!
SoftwareMom | April 9th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
Excellent blog! I’ve thought about this quite a bit–my husband seems to be doing far more of the chores lately–I’m just not home that much due to a longer commute. On weekends, I spend the time playing with the kids if I’m by myself (hubby working), or if we’re both home, we do chores together and play together.
We’ve “outsourced” as much as we can (gardener for basic maintenance, housekeeper, pool guy), and I know we’re extremely fortunate to be able to afford this infrastructure.
But it works for us.
spacegeek | April 9th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
my partner and i are fortunate enough to live with my anal-retentive mom, so we wouldn’t have a chance to “clean” even if we wanted to! but where food is concerned, he’s definitely the “bacon-fryer.” we usually go to the grocery store together…which means, he picks everything out while i play with the baby or annoy the baby while he tries to play with his favorite toy. i usually pay (90% of the time, i’d say) and then he cooks pretty much every night. if he’s too tired to cook, i order and pay for food. i don’t think it matters what gender you are; i think it’s more about personality. obviously, he likes to shop and cook food, and i hate it! luckily, neither one of us has to worry about doing the dishes (yay, crazy-cleaning mom…)
momofhenri | April 10th, 2008 at 8:42 am
I think it is completely possible and necessary for all of the responsibilities to be split 50/50.
I cook dinner
He cleans up from dinner
We shop together
I do the inside cleaning ( actually have a service)
He does the outside yardwork ( have a service)
I feed the kids meals,
He dresses the kids for school and PJs.
I make kids lunches,.
He cleans the playroom as I drop them off.
HE does the laundry
I fold and put away
Marriage is a partnership.
I wouldnt ask a business partner to do more or less than I.
Nor would HE!
I am very lucky to have a wonderful husband who gets what being a PART of a family means. Not just belonging to one.
DEB | April 10th, 2008 at 9:59 am
As an Organizing Consultant working with busy families, this has been such a relevant topic in my work that I wrote a book about it. It is a how to guide for moms titled ‘Mom, Can I Help Around the House?’ A Simple, Step-by-step System for Teaching Your Children Life-long Skills for Pitching in and Picking up’ It’s not just for kids - moms can use it to design a home maintenance system for themselves and organize their chores. But the beauty of the system is that it is designed to empower children to take ownership and do their fair share in the home. I designed this system first for my family, then began sharing it with my organizing clients. IT WORKS!
Janet, mom of 2 (age 11 &
Janet | April 10th, 2008 at 10:20 am
We don´t have a very equal partnership because my husband works as a musician, meaning he´s gone nights. So he is here most days. I work from home, so I get up with the kids, make breakfast and tidy the house, wash dishes and then he takes over watching the boys and cleaning all day while I work. He usually does the shopping as well and runs any errands we need to since I´m pretty much chained to the computer all day.
I think each couple has to figure out what works for them. And while the amount of money each brings in shouldn´t be an issue, who works more definitely is.
Genesis | April 11th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Good post. We both work, but at home we do what needs to be done.
My husband loves to tell the story when I had to ask him how to turn on the vacuum cleaner - 9 months after we got it. Then again, he doesn’t do laundry because I don’t want my delicates washed in hot water.
On weeknights we divide and conquer to do what we need to get done on a daily basis while keeping the kids out of trouble.
And the best money spent ever is on my weekly housecleaner. We have bought time with our kids and peace with each other over who did what and whose turn it is to clean the shower.
April | April 11th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
I definitely think that men are doing much more around the house and with the kids than ever before. But while it has gotten better, I’m not sure we’re quite at a 50/50 split just yet. In my house, it’s about a 60/40 split, just like you.
Amy@UWM | April 12th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
I’ve brought home the bacon, fried it and served it for the past 3 years now - Since my hubby fell out of work - cutbacks on his job due to budget contraints -
Creative - yes. I have two small children and the juggling continues - all while I hold down a very very very demanding career-
I’m glad to have found this site and blog -
Most of my friends are educated women - who have the convenience of staying home with their children and blah blah blah -
I sometimes/often long to do those things too… But providing for my family is job one for now - anyone else in my boat?
thanks for listening - I’m truly blessed -
NW mama…
Trice | April 13th, 2008 at 4:28 am
If my husband didn’t work as much he’d be the world’s best housekeeper. When he’s around he does the laundry and the dishes. But since I’m around a lot more than he is, I end up shouldering most of the household burdens.
selfmademom | April 13th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
To all the women who have husbands that pitcch in, you are very lucky! Housework seems to be the only think my husband and I ever argue about, i work and do it all and I have to practically beg him to help out. It’s quite frustrating. His answer to everything is send out the laundry or get a housekeeper rather then contributing. I’ve come to the conclusion that its a losing battle with him. Any advice?
Kelly | April 13th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
My husband is a better cook, but he works later on weekdays, so I cook on weekdays and he cooks on weekends. I always hope he makes enough for leftovers; it makes our lunches so much better!
Daisy | April 13th, 2008 at 9:31 pm
For me as a woman in a traditional household, I would rather clean than have the house get dirty. In the past, I would have not cleaned at all and the ratio would be 0/0 with my parents working, myself studying and my oldest brother doing nothing because he is a sexist jerk who wants women to do everything for him.
The cleaning in the house, father/mom/myself/sister-in-law it’s 20%/10%/65%/5%. A majority of which is dish washing as I was dishes 7 times a day.
I see no shame in cleaning and cooking and bringing home the bacon, but as I am still a student my income is still low, but when I have money I contribute 35% of house income, while my brother contributes 1% and his wife contributes 5%.
In the end, if it’s of my own vocation, if I am forced to do it, you better believe the bacon is not only gonna burn but it’s gonna have hair in it! Ha ha!
Grandpa Dinosaur | April 14th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
As a whole I think you nailed it (maybe w/o even knowing it). As I read each and every comment and the answer is that all households in the 21st century have changed so drastically from the normal “June Cleaver” traditional role of women who do all the housework.
Studies are showing that men and womens roles have changed so much due to changes in women’s roles in their career directions and options that men are being forced into taking on a more present role in the house.
There is a more egalitarian model in the home b/c women have choices in and out of the home. Personally, I believe this “new” way is good for some, but it’s also creating a new problem for women and their children.
With all choices there comes consequences. With every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Our children’s future’s are taking a backseat and this speaks to a nation of “lost” children who like the recent You Tube video of girl beatings, shows that our children are taking the hit for the dilemma created when moms are out of the house too long pursuing careers out of necessity and desire to “be the best of the boys” instead of sacrificing for their children and families. Let’s face it guys just aren’t going to be “mommies” no matter how good they cook or do the laundry. They are great helpers (when they want to be or have to be) But, honestly they aren’t cut out to replace us as the new metrosexual “June Cleavers.” They are meant to be conquerors, protectors, and providers.
Kelli | April 15th, 2008 at 9:26 pm
Sorry kelli, but I had to laugh at your last line. If that is true then many young boys I know are in for a very hard life. They are far from tough boys instead very gentle souls who I hope will remain so and not give into this macho bullshit that society shoves down men’s throats.
My parents both worked growing up and I never got into trouble like those YouTube kids. We have information overload so we hear more about these terrible incidents. I know there may be an uptick in teen violence, but i also think it is magnified in this 24/7 media world we live in.
Veronica | April 15th, 2008 at 9:31 pm
I think men are doing more than ever, but I belong to another private message board of about 70 moms and a LOT still don’t! I am one of the lucky ones that has a hubby who does probably more of the cleaning, but only cooks once a week (I cook 5 and we order out the other lol). We do have a cleaning service that helps. It is soooo worth it to save any types of resentment. He does all the outdoor stuff, but we do have a service to spray for stuff, but he mows the lawn twice a week in the summer and he takes out the trash, etc. We make a very good team and no, he does not “babysit” our 2 boys. That burns me when people say “babysit”! He’s a very involved father and while I think that is becoming more of the norm, I still think there are plenty that are not. With my personality, there was no way I would have married a man who was going to be the “traditional” type. I’m not a hard-core feminist but I am a working mom and have plenty of other things to do besides clean.
Nicole | April 16th, 2008 at 9:12 am
This was a fabulous article! The division of labor within the home has been an issue for a very long time. I am glad that recent studies are showing that men are catching up, a chance to relieve women from the “second shift” - a term coined by Arlie Russel Hochschild, who has done extensive research on this topic - the idea that women work their jobs and then come home and put in another shift doing work within the home.
Not only are we equal in our relationship, he does more of the housework than I do.
And when he does the dishes or vacuums Logan our 3-year-old is right there helping! Good practice for the future.
Tonya Ramsey | April 19th, 2008 at 11:31 am
men are dumb as hell sometime… by the way, that’s the title of my upcoming book… ha haha
no, seriously.
Trice | April 20th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
I want to read that book. I love my husband to death, but sometimes, i do believe that he could not find his own butt if I were not here to show him the direction.
KP | October 5th, 2008 at 10:35 pm