Moms On Issues
with Sara and Veronica
We're two moms with different backgrounds, jobs and points of view, writing about our opinions on the political and social issues affecting working moms. We'll also keep our eye on the media and the celebrity mom world to highlight issues that are relevant to your life.
Check out our personal blogs: Veronica's Blog and Sara's Blog
I know this is a site for working moms, but since Father’s Day is this weekend, I thought we could turn our attention to our (mostly) better halves. I’ve always found it interesting that in all the debates about mommy wars and mommy guilt, little has been said or discussed about how dads feel about working and family. This week, however, I did run across this survey put out by CareerBuilder.com which states an interesting fact about dads surveyed.
More than a third of working dads (37 percent) said they would leave their job if their spouse or significant other’s income could comfortably support the entire family, similar to last year’s findings.
Wow, who knew? Some dads want to stay home too? I’m only being half-serious here. Some people may be surprised by these results, but I’m not. Almost on a weekly basis my husband tells me he’d happily stay at home with our son if I was willing to work and support our family. Sometimes, I think he should be the one to stay at home full time. His instincts are flawless when it comes to taking care of our son.
But I so don’t have what it takes to be a full-time working mom with a high-pressure career that brings fulfillment and the bacon.
I’m in awe of Nataly, founder of this site, who discusses how the demands of her career sometimes outweigh her husband’s. I’m in awe of my husband, who sometimes works up to 70 hours a week sacrificing his free time and family time to provide for us.
I know there are many alternative career choices we all could make. I could work full-time, he could find a less-stressful job, but our arrangement works best for us now. I’m intrigued, however, by the stay-at-home dads I know and see around at my daily activities. I constantly wonder why they’re the ones at home, and what the mom does for work and how the reverse arrangement works. It couldn’t, as much as my husband may want it to, work for our household, but I commend those families that have figured out the non-traditional family and career structure.
Sometimes I think the greatest gift I could give my husband for Father’s Day would be more time at home with our son, but I know we’re both not quite ready to take that plunge yet. But I’m curious about families where the dad stays home - how does it work, and how did you all get to that decision?
And,of course, Happy Father’s Day to all!
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Our family is one of those families where the dad stays home. But ours is a situation that we didn’t choose. My husband is disabled - currently still working through all the details of the settlement to figure out how disabled he is. Which leaves me as the worker. Financially it is tight living on just one income. Particularly due to decisions we made prior to losing his income. But it means no daycare for his 8 yr old daughter.
However, there are things that if I were staying home all day every day that I would make sure that I got done so he didn’t have to…like laundry and fixing dinner and washing dishes and so on. But my husband doesn’t think the same way. And quite often even after working full day, I’ll come home and still have to cook and wash dishes and run the kiddo to any activities or sometimes even go and work a second job. And then sometimes he complains about how he never gets to do anything he wants to during the day because of this that and the other thing. And then sometimes I want to scream and yell about how I haven’t gotten to do anything that I want to do for many many weeks because I work two jobs and come home to take care of the chores at home and what the hell does he do all day that makes it to where he can’t cook at least 4 times a week! But I generally don’t say that because then we just end up in a disagreement about something else entirely and no one is happy.
But hmm…that could just be us.
So yeah, just like if the mom is the one staying home, some ground rules need to be set up. Things that are expected of the non-working spouse. Otherwise the working spouse will feel taken advantage of. Or the non-working spouse may feel like the working spouse doesn’t appreciate what they do.
Jenni | June 11th, 2008 at 9:37 am
What struck me about that survey — and another one, conducted by Canada-based Workopolis.com — was the tips they provided at the end. They were exactly the same things Working Moms are told to do all of the time, except no mention of dealing with the household stuff (you know… groceries, laundry, errands, cooking, etc). Like it was assumed that those things were already either under control or handled by someone else…
Lylah | June 11th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
My spouse is a fantastic father. He’d love to stay at home with our son full-time. But frankly, he’d make a terrible SAHD. He has no household management skills - can’t cook, his laundry skills are OK, his folding skills are terrible, cleaning the bathrooms would just never make it onto his to-do list. The house could be falling apart and he just wouldn’t notice since the household stuff just doesn’t bother him. I think HE thinks being a SAHD is all about playing and napping with our son all day long. It’s a romantic dream - and when reality set in that he was now in charge of the house, I think he would quickly fall apart.
I sometimes wish that we could just simply afford to have the option for one of us to stay at home. But if the option was for him, he would have to make serious changes to be successful.
Because really, nothing would irritate me more than being asked “What’s for dinner?” after working a long hard day at the office while he was home playing with the kiddo.
Robyn | June 11th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
You’re so right, Lylah- the tips are so impractical and unrealistic! What would they achieve except for a little “fake” bonding? Robyn- great point as well. I actually think my husband would make a terrific SAHD. He’s way cleaner than I, a good cook and is terrific about laundry… hmm…
Sara | June 11th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
I just spent 4 days home with my kids after having been on a long-duration business trip. My husband has *never* spent 4 days home without his mother or our nanny backing him up.
And cooking?! Hah!
He routinely *says* he wants to stay at home, but I don’t think he’d last a week! I think many men have a romanticized notion of what SAH means.
spacegeek | June 11th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
My husband used to say this all the time - and since he is a coach, he does stay home with my son during the summe - and is FANTASTIC with our son. But at the end of last summer, he did joke that now he understands why so many stay at home moms end up in the bottle.
Queen Bee | June 12th, 2008 at 8:57 am
[...] and scary. With all the talk of changing perceptions and traditional roles, of increasing number of dads who want to stay home full-time with their kids, Ms. Belkin’s article and the research she highlights suggests that we’re not as far [...]
Want your husband to help out more? Get your friends' husbands to help out more. - Work It, Mom! Blog - Work It, Mom! | June 12th, 2008 at 8:57 am
We fall in the majority.
My husband was out of work for about a year and my son (we only had one then) stayed in daycare. We were lucky that my salary carried us. The last thing he wanted to be was a SAHD.
We did cut my sons hours back and he picked him up at 3pm everyday. They had a few hours to hang together before I got home, which was great for them.
April | June 12th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
[...] I’m in the former category and I can tell you that it sucks. Sara, of the Work it, Mom site, is surprised by this revelation. I don’t know why — unless you are totally in love with what you do, why would you want to spend [...]
Dads want to stay home too — Mamma Spa - Mamma, Just Relax | June 13th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
I love The hubby and he’s a great dad. But I find that after I’ve been out of town on “Girlfriends’ Weekend” for 3 or 4 days, he’s more than ready for me to take over! I actually recommend this to all my mom friends. You’ll be appreciated more once dad has been mom for a few days!
mommapolitico | June 16th, 2008 at 2:25 am
My hubby says the same thing and then prods me to find a better paying job. Too bad that I love my job…unless someone’s gonna pay me $1000 a blog post. ha!
veronica | June 19th, 2008 at 2:08 am
i understand those of you are married and set in your schedule. i am a week on week off dad. so i do all those things laundry, cook, dishes, get clothes ready, make sure teeth are brushed and hair..etc etc..i also have coached my daughters soccer team. gone to scouts, taken off work for doctors visits.. on and on you know the drill. i have had a good career in the music business, i have managed at large trucking firms. i also after being put on disability went to culinary school. i went to Iraq for a year and a half. blah blah blah… so i am now delivering pizzas… yeah great catch huh?? well my daughter thinks so. i dont intend on going for a more substantial career at the moment. i know i have to be there for my daughter. i will be there forever but certainly until she feels comfortable in the real world at eighteen. i am however preparing her for this now. so my point men already do this and do it well..BECAUSE they choose to and commit. period! no different than a wife with or without a job. by the way my xwife now has a good career and a job that she never would consider when married. a new young husband in school. yet she still considers herself the custodial parent or stay at home parent…. so it is all how you choose to perceive things also…. just my two cents… A LOVING DAD WHO WOULD LOVE TO HAVE SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO WORK WHILE I DO WHAT COMES NATURALLY TO ME… i love to pamper my mate and make them happy too… so now i need someone who truly is cool and secure enough to switch roles… Dennis
dennis | July 16th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
My husband was recenly laid off, from his nearly 6 figure salary job. We have had a rough year financially and now things finally seemed on the road to repair and this happens.
We signed up to do a new business and we agreed that it would be residual income, well now everything has changed.
He wants to stay at home full time, which frankly I can’t have. Our marriage would end if we were both home all the time. Now he is pushing this business on me to pick up the work load. I wanted to try it, but now he wants me to do the phone calls. He says he’ll do the rest.
Well we are into week 1 and he has taken a nap and not gotten up to help with the kids in the am. So he gets to sleep in and take naps, gee I wish my stay-at-home mom life was that great.
I also work at a retail store part time. So now I have to do all my Mom/wife duties at home, plus to day 3 day work week and pick up his slack on this job. While he gets to sleep late, take naps and hang out in his office all day.
Last week he agreed that he would at least look for contract work and now he is willing to sell his camera to pay for coaching classes. When he wouldn’t sell it when we needed to pay our mortgage or pay a variety of other bills.
I don’t know what I am going to do. i dont’ have the skills to make the kind of income he made. Besides I would get double work load when I get home anyway. The man only microwaves and makes pizza.
Rachel Phillips | January 13th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
It’s good to find other families in similiar situations! My husband stays at home with our 4.5 month old son while I work. He happened to get laid off while I was pregnant and is collecting unemployment. We are just barely paying the bills with our two small incomes. He is a great father and loves being with his son. But he is just now getting sick of being stuck at home all day. My problem is that he doesn’t cook or do any chores and I pay almost all the bills. I work full time, come home, take care of the baby, cook, do laundry, clean, go to the grocery store, pay the rent, etc. He just said to me that he’s saving me $800 a month for day care! I feel like he takes me for granted and I have to do it all! I do tell him that I appreciate what he is doing, though and that it is important work. Now, it doesn’t look like there are any jobs available other than minimum wage so he may extend his unemployment. I’m encouraging him to get a part-time night job so he can get out of the house and make some money. Another problem is that I am the only one with a car and there is no public transportation.
new mommy | February 3rd, 2009 at 2:24 pm