Moms On Issues
with Sara and Veronica
We're two moms with different backgrounds, jobs and points of view, writing about our opinions on the political and social issues affecting working moms. We'll also keep our eye on the media and the celebrity mom world to highlight issues that are relevant to your life.
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Do you feel guilty when you leave your kids for a trip? Or do you do the Carlton dance?
Categories: career
As I write hundreds of women are swarming into the Bay Area for Blogher (not me, I’m still here in Chicago!), many of them are moms and I guess that most of them left their kids at home. Over on Twitter I’ve seen at least two moms express guilt after leaving the kids for their weekend away. I also have a friend who is currently on a business trip who Twittered about having time to read a book and the big comfy chair in her hotel room.
I’ve just been accepted to a media training program out of the Women’s Media Center in New York City. This means that in the next nine weeks I’ll be traveling to the Big Apple three times. Yikes! While my daughter has been classified as a “wash & go” kid, she expresses more and more apprehension when it’s time for mama to hit the road. Luckily she’s still in love with mama so she’d be more than happy to come with than for me to just stay home. Yet when it’s time for me to say good-bye I do have a pang of guilt.
Queen of Spain wrote an excellent piece about traveling mom guilt yesterday. I travel for work, for fun, and for my activist extracurricular activities. My traveling mom guilt is no more for any trip. Society tells us, inscribes in us, that “fact” that moms should always be with the kids. Yes, I also think that it is written in our genes and hearts as well. Yet there is also that part of us that yearns for a few hours or days away from being mom. As I tell my daughter, “Mom” is my title, not my name. Elvis Costello will remind you that my name is Veronica.
To remember that I am Veronica and not Mom, I enjoy my traveling. I’m also one who doesn’t flinch to take in a movie by myself either. I enjoy my alone time. In fact if I don’t get enough of it, I get squirrelly like a caged tiger…pacing in my mind until the next trip. So the key to a happy mama in my house is regular getaway times – even if my daughter does tug at my heart strings when I jump in the cab outside our house.
Then again, I just remember that at daycare she rarely turns to wave good-bye anymore as she also needs her own time.
Readers: Do you get traveling mom guilt? Is it only when you’re jetting for a girls weekend? Or also when you travel for work?
And in case you were wondering what the Carlton dance is, it refers to the dance the character Carlton did on “The Fresh Prince.”
Not at BlogHer either - just thought I’d mention it :-).
I don’t do much solo traveling at all - no real reason to - so that kind of guilt really isn’t an issue for me. But I totally agree with you about the need for “alone time,” because I’m the same way. (I think that’s one of the hallmarks of an introvert.)
I recently published a post where I mentioned that my need for time for myself was one of my reasons for just having one child. You know how it is - “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”
Florinda | July 17th, 2008 at 9:48 am
This is a great topic and I often have Mommy Guilt although it doesn’t tend to hit me when I’m travelling. Great article!
Angela Moore | July 17th, 2008 at 10:03 am
I don’t really feel guilty when I travel without my son. I miss him terribly and that keeps me from wanting to be gone for more than two days. More often than not though, I feel guilty that my husband isn’t out having fun with me. I feel like I’m being selfish for making the time to go out and do my own thing while he would rather stay home with me than go have fun by himself or with guy friends. Is that weird?
sharinasmith | July 17th, 2008 at 10:09 am
I thought it was “Carlton” as in Ritz-Carlton. Can definitely do that dance. My last biz trip was 3 days in Chicago for the Internet Retailers Conf. I wasn’t feeling guilt, as much as boredom. Don’t enjoy dining alone (though had a great dinner and outstanding large glass of wine), and really enjoy traveling with my son. Previous trip to Chicago was with him at age 4, and we had a fantastic time. 2 sets of grandparents nearby also help alleviate any guilt, as I know he’s in great hands. Definitely need and enjoy time for myself - I just prefer to take it in smaller doses on a more frequent basis. No guilt, no boredom.
Hana | July 17th, 2008 at 10:22 am
Yes, I do have twinges of guilt any time that I leave. Most trips are business, but I do have a great husband that is a great dad and takes care of most things while I’m away.
Our three children go with us most places when possible. And they are still young, so that will change as they get older.
My husband and I realized that it had been over a year since the two of us had had a night alone. So, we have started incorporating a date night here and there.
Family time is important, but husband-wife time is equally important. :0)
Lisa Willard | July 17th, 2008 at 10:55 am
If you are organized and have a spouse that is supportive of your career, the guilt subsides. It also helps when the kiddos get older (age 6 and 10) When they were younger, it was harder b/c there was so much more to worry about and us Moms always feel like we do it better than our hubbies–:-) I truly feel my kids have become more self sufficient and it’s good for them see Mom having a career. I also am blessed with a husband who is/was supportive of me when I accepted this position that required some travel. And honestly, it’s nice to have some “me” time when I travel—wake up in a hotel and only have to feed and get myself ready.
Stacey | July 17th, 2008 at 11:07 am
haha! i dont so much have mom guilt as i have wife guilt. I think it’s harder on my husband when i am away!
i think our son has already figured out at 2 that i am the one who maintains the strict schedule (comparitively - i am so not a strict schedule gal!) of meals and bedtimes and dad is more ‘what? he isnt even TIRED! let him stay up!’
so i feel a little guilty when i hear hubby say that he had a hard time putting the boy to bed… because he was over tired.
i usually manage to stiffle the giggles but not always so successful. this is where the guilt comes in!
Kate | July 17th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
I thought it was the “charleston”…
but nonetheless, I don’t have guilt when I go on business, because I usually don’t have a choice to go away for work.
Alone time is a different matter. That’s what I feel terribly guilty about. I really need it, but I don’t get much because I can’t allow myself the time away from kids, since I “already” work and even travel for work! Shouldn’t I be with my kids every second that I’m not doing things I am required to do?! (There’s that guilt!)
“If mom ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” I can’t really internalize that, and I must really like being a martyr. Because I seem to be happier/happy-to-be-miserable when I am sacrificing my alone time it seems! Now that is warped!!
spacegeek | July 17th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
Wow! This issue is one of the reasons I started an entire company to address the concerns of traveling moms (ok, parents generally) since I am one! As a lawyer, I wanted to have a handy and thorough form that provide my children’s caregivers with medical, temporary custodial and school decisions (camp in the summer) when I travel without them, among other situations. Now they are available on my company’s new site. So, if you feel it makes sense, check out my site and the forms that will address at least one nagging concern that work travel creates for all of us with kids.
Linda | July 17th, 2008 at 5:50 pm
whoops, here’s the link…. http://www.forms4parents.com and my company is proudly in WIM’s marketplace.
Linda | July 17th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
I am guilty of having mom guilt. I work all week (my husband is a stay home dad) and we have five kids. Not only do I get the tugs for business travel, but I get it just for going to work , running errands with some children but not all, or having a little me time during the weekend. It doesn’t help that my mother, who was a stay home mother, believes that being a mother means constant sacrifice. She lives near us and will freely offer the guilty reminders. I know I am not going to wait until I am in my 50’s to enjoy life and focus on my career, but man, that tug is a force to be reckon with!
Instant Mom | July 18th, 2008 at 8:45 am
I am lucky in my position at work that I can choose to travel or not. Typically speaking I don’t like traveling for work, so I tend to limit it already. But for both my kids, I didn’t travel during their first year after birth. Additionally, now my husband is in a new position where he works 4 -10 hour days 45 minutes from home. My being gone means the kids would be in care 12 hours a day. I will continue to avoid it because of this.
Now I do have a girl’s getaway weekend planned for mid-August with my best friend (who doesn’t have kids). Two nights away and I am both excited and neurosing.
April | July 18th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
I’m with Kate - the husband guilt is stronger than kid guilt. Now that my kids are older and need me less, leaving home is easier - and at the same time, harder. My teen is disabled, so when one of us leaves home for a few days, the other picks up the slack. It can be tough.
Daisy | July 18th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
I don’t have mom guilt. I am a single mom and my son is used to me having to leave him sometimes. Work or pleasure. When I return from either,he gets to have a “It’s Your Day little man!” day with mommy. We do whatever the soon to be fourth grader wants to do. So, I just make sure that he has time with me and doesn’t feel less important.
Kim | July 20th, 2008 at 12:07 am
Thanks everyone. I can totally appreciate the husband-guilt too. There was a time when it really was just me traveling for work and extra-curricular activities, so I’ve been there.
And Kim & other single moms…You so deserve alone time!
Veronica | July 21st, 2008 at 8:45 am
No way! Doesn’t happen often and it’s a nice break for everyone. Good for dad to experience being the sole caretaker once in awhile:)
~Lisa
eNutritionServices.com
Lisa | July 22nd, 2008 at 11:23 pm
OH GOD!! The carlton dance! Priceless!
Miranda | July 23rd, 2008 at 12:30 pm
Oh man, I do the Carlton Dance, my husband is probably the one who feels guilty. But I rarely get a day away (he’s still 4 months old) Maybe i’ll feel differently when i return to work but for now *imagines doing the carlton dance when she goes for her pedicure next week*
Erin | July 23rd, 2008 at 7:24 pm
OMG, Erin! You’re too funny. But yeah, I feel ya.
Veronica | July 23rd, 2008 at 11:19 pm
im leaving my almost 3 years child with my parents, i want ideas to help him in this period so he wont feel lonely or depressed, and what rules shall i put before i leave
lina salah | November 12th, 2008 at 12:55 am