The Internet is replete with advice on how to clean the house in an emergency when unexpected guests are on the way. It’s also full of advice on how you should “just keep your house clean” and you “won’t have to worry about these things.”

Yeah, thanks for that advice. Why didn’t I think of it?

Despite that sage wisdom, most of us have probably had that Oh-No-Second when you realize someone is on the way to visit and the house is less than presentable. While our house is neither a model home nor a complete disaster, we have kids and sometimes the house just is what it is.

Our, “Oh, no” moments have become more frequent since our oldest started driving as she is prone to telling us she’s “on the way home” with 37 of her closest friends. But, we always rise to the occasion and can implement the Fake House Plan in impressive time since we’ve had practice.

The Fake House Plan steps can vary according to the pending visitor, but it all starts in the kitchen since it tends to be the most used entrance to our house, and it goes something like this:

1. Phone call: guests on the way.
2. Run around kitchen in a circle waving arms.
3. Remove everything from counter tops and stash in nearest cardboard box. Place in laundry room.
4. Load dishwasher and clean sink (scars from Fly Lady).
5. Remove papers etc. from front of fridge and say bad words because you’ve told everyone to stop putting stuff there, it goes on the side.
6. Find strongest smelling cleaner under sink and wipe counter tops.
7. Check time and walk in circles around kitchen again, decide to sweep the floor.
8. Proceed to bathroom.
9. Put linen closet door back on track, close shower curtain, and throw some Comet in the toilet and swish it around.
10. Dismantle fort and put couch cushions back on couch and pick up gross particulate matter from the floor.
11. Spray the poor coffee table with furniture polish in a can.
12. DVDs, game discs and boxes all in no particular order swiftly placed in entertainment center.
13. Spray smell-good stuff on door frames in hopes that people think the house must be clean if it smells good.
14. Clean miscellania off stairs and vow never to put anything on the stairs ever again as long as we live.
15. Take rest of house and shove it in guest room and dash to kitchen table and sit casually as if we’ve just been there chatting when guests walk in.

Oh, look who’s here! Come on in, we’ve just been sitting here reading the paper…

How about you? Share your Fake House tips or tell us the most outrageous thing you’ve done to get the house in order quickly.

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