Parenting Without a Manual
with Karen Murphy
I'm Karen, the poster child for the concept that there's no one right way to be a parent. I went from stay-at-home attachment-parenting mom of four to being the non-custodial parent, working as a professional writer and channel-psychic. Let's talk about throwing away the parenting manual and exploding the myths and mystique of motherhood!
Check out Karen's Work It, Mom! profile and read her blog, Juxtapositioning.
My nine year old daughter wet the bed the other night because she forgot to put on a Pull-Up. She has turned down sleepover invitations at unfamiliar houses because of the Pull-Up sitch. Her older brother had pee-OCD for years and peed every three minutes because he was deathly afraid of accidentally peeing his bed after (also at age nine) he chose to give up his own Pull-Ups. Don’t even get me started on chromosomally-enhanced younger brother, he of the Down syndrome, who at 5.5 still laughs in the face of daytime dryness. Why should he use a potty when he has a perfectly good diaper (or underwear, or floor, or … )?
I have a family of pee-ers.
Done. When are they going to be done?
Their older sister was two and a half, nearly three, when she was completely dry. I thought at the time that was terribly late, probably because I had heard that I was toilet trained at a year and a half. (A year and a half??? I wonder whether they just tied me to the toilet all day.)
Yes, Miss Nine goes to the bathroom at bedtime. I am fairly sure she actually uses it, about as sure as I am that she brushes her teeth. I am fairly sure also that she’s not that keen on the Pull-Up thing. I’ve decided not to make an issue of it, not wanting to damage her fragile psyche, but … I’m wondering too whether now is the time to make an issue of it.
There is a family history of bedwetting. (Not mine, because I was the kid tied to a toilet.) I have to assume that genetics plays a big part in this. So do Size 7 Pampers. I know that sometimes anatomy doesn’t catch up with social mores, at least not the ones that involve urine and beds.
I have friends who have made an issue of it. Bedwetting alarms. No drinks after 3 pm. Homeopathics. Hypnosis. You name it, they tried it. No dice. Slosh slosh.
But rubbing my kid’s nose in it isn’t going to help. Or making her wash her sheets (although at nine that’s not a bad idea). Or any of the other humiliating things that frustrated parents have done to their pee-challenged kids over the years.
I wonder if I just sat Miss Nine down and told her No more peeing while you are asleep! if that would actually do anything, make any change. Is it that simple? They say that no kid goes off to college in diapers. Can I persuade her to stop sleeping so deeply (a quality I used to admire in her, this ability to sleep through the sound of a rhinoceros crashing through her wall), just by talking/begging/scaring the holy **** out of her?
I’m glad she’s skinny and those Pull-Ups still fit. I think she’ll be wearing them awhile.
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A couple of thoughts. One, I have read that kids with this problem usually grow out of it as puberty sets in. I have no idea why, something about hormones I guess.
Two, you might look into some products that are a bit more discreet for her, so that if she has a sleepover or whatever it’s not so scary or embarrassing. There are some products I’ve seen online that appear to be both effective and reasonably discreet.
This is not terribly common, but it’s not terribly rare either. The child certainly doesn’t want this to happen, so I don’t think telling her anything will be helpful - other than perhaps that there may be hope with the onset of puberty.
SKL | March 18th, 2009 at 9:03 pm
I was an older bed wetter too. As a very young child I had kidney surgery and a side effect was loss of sensation. My doctor explained that in combination I was also a deep sleeper and just slept through the urge. So for a decade my (saintly) father, before he went to bed, woke and walked me in the middle of the night to the bathroom then back to bed. As I got older the years of sleep training kicked in and I learned to wake myself at night, but it really did take years. Your child isn’t actively trying to wet bed and is most likely embarrassed by the situation. I’m sure you’ve talked to your daughter about her feelings on this so it seems like a wait for the next stage situation. At least they now make larger sizes.
Eeek | March 18th, 2009 at 9:23 pm
I was a late bedwetter too and really embarrassed by it. My mother tried everything she could think but nothing worked. She tried rewards and it would work occasionally but then I’d lapse again. A combination of getting me to pee right before bed and trying to keep me from drinking too many liquids right before bed worked fairly consistent. I only stopped well after 10, so it was rubber sheets on the bed for a long time!
UC | March 18th, 2009 at 11:03 pm
This is a common problem. My niece wet the bed until she was 12…puberty, I guess. My brother and sil tried EVERYTHING…the doctors just said that some kids are like this. Make your kids feel okay about it….teach them to be discreet about the pullups and let them do anything they want. We have plenty of sleepovers with other kids who have the same problem. I (Mom) know that the other kid is wearing pull ups, by my kids don’t have a clue.
Karla E | March 19th, 2009 at 10:08 pm
My cousin had this issue. He ended up having a bladder problem that his doctors at first dismissed it as something normal that kids grow out of. It was sort of like those ‘gotta go’ commercials. By the time he realized he had to go, it was far too late to even make it 10 feet away. He ended up getting some type of medicine that helped him be more aware of the urge to go.
My daughter was trained by 14 months even over night (and I didn’t tie her to the toilet haha). When they are small, I’m talking like 6 months old, set them on a little toddler potty after naps, after they eat, and before bedtime. That’s typically when they have to go anyways and they never get to that ‘why use the toilet when I have a diaper’ stage. I’m not saying it would work for all kids, but I do think at least 75% of them could learn before they turn a year to be daytrained. It saves you a ton of cash on diapers. Kids are way smarter than we give them credit for even as babies.
Marcia | March 20th, 2009 at 5:47 am
I have a very good friend who wet the bed almost nightly until he was 19. YES. 19. Back then there were no pull-ups in XL boy’s sizes, and those Good Nites things hadn’t been invented yet. He had a plastic cover on his mattress. Every morning he woke up wet, put his sheets in the washing machine, put them in the dryer when he got home from school, and remade his bed before he slept in it. For years.
You know what made him stop, he says? College. He COULDN’T wet the bed in college, he had a room mate and that would be social death and beyond awkward to boot. He knew that, and it just suddenly stopped. He would very occasionally have an accident freshman year. After that, none.
Would his life have been better if he’d had better night-time bladder control? Sure, but it didn’t ruin his life. He even went to sleep overs (packed extra PJ’s bottoms and a pad in his sleeping bag, stealthily changed, nobody was the wiser).
Meg | March 20th, 2009 at 7:16 am
Wow, now I feel not so alone. My son is going to be 5 in May (late May) and we’ve been having issues with the potty training thing. We have tried everything too. We talked to his Pediatrician who said (and I quote - “You don’t train them, they train you”) so great, but really this child should be in undies by now, but he’s regressed back to pull ups and being soaked. Have you asked the Pediatrician for advice? Maybe see a pee expert (not sure of the Dr name sorry).
Good luck, and I think the name brand is Good Nights for bed issues at night for girls and boys.
Gia Saulnier | March 20th, 2009 at 9:48 am
My next to oldest wet the bed until she was in her teens (I remember 14 yrs.) Took her to the Doctors when she was younger and they found nothing really wrong but she was a heavy sleeper. She finally stopped when she became interested in boys. (ha-ha) Before that had to keep a plastic cover on her bed and wash her bedding every day. so glad not to have to do that anymore. She is in her 30’s now and has had bed wetting problems with a few of her children. So If i had fun with just one of my children being a bed wetter- she has alot more fun. (okay- not really fun)
I have no memory of any of my siblings being a bed wetter- their father & their fathers family I have no idea.
Sooner or later they outgrow it- they always used to say they won’t walk down the isle and get married still wetting the bed. Smile.
eileen | March 21st, 2009 at 8:49 am
My son also wet the bed well past the age of ten. Every doctor I took him to said he’ll out grow it, he did.
Making sure your child knows this will go away, baring any medical problems, is the most important thing. He was embarrassed and hated it. His younger sister was fully potty trained at 3 1/2. (No I did not strap her to a toilet, it just was something she did on her own).
Gradually, on it’s own, it disappeared. By the time he turned thirteen it was only a very rare thing. Usually due to stress at school. He was then and still is today at 24, crap at written tests.
I have eight children, I don’t think any of them were potty trained much before the age of three and I was a full time stay at home mother well into the late seventies.
Said son is now in the Navy, stationed in Japan. Others are carpenters, programmers, It support, industrial electricians, software engineers. I don’t think the “potty” issue had anything to do with their futures.
Just hang in there, if your child is healthy, bed wetting is not that bad of a thing.
marell | March 22nd, 2009 at 8:53 am
From the comments here it looks like this is just a hormonal thing that will need to be outgrown. Which is nice, because you can tell your daughter that it’s not her or anything that she’s doing wrong, it’s her body. Some bodies are on a different schedule. And you can work with her to figure out how y’all can best ride it out.
One Step Ahead has these pads that go over the bedding and will hold a lot of liquid. A few of those in rotation will save you the chore of stripping the whole bed. And they can be a lot more comfortable than a rubber sheet which tends to be kind of slippery and sweaty.
If you or a friend sews you could come up with some sort of night-time panty that is less embarrassing than a pull-up which is clearly created for someone much younger. I’m afraid my frugal, greenie bias is showing here. But really, if you’re in this for another few years it could be worth the investment to find something reusable. And a search on the internet may turn up someone who has already done the work and will sell you some. If Pampers has seen the need and created an older pull-up then you know some crafty individual will come up with a home version. The trick is finding them. If you’d like some help searching the internets, drop me an email.
I’m sorry this is getting long but I have one more idea. If your daughter has weaker abdominal muscles, it could be that she isn’t feeling a strong enough urge to wake up. I learned those things are related with my own daughter. I don’t think it’s the only thing going on here but it could be a contributing factor. Some daytime clues may be if your daughter was late to train and tends now to go on a set schedule. Or if she has a hard time sitting still for long periods. Activities like dance, yoga, gymnastics or karate might help. Or even just buying a mini trampoline.
Good luck!
Jennifer | March 23rd, 2009 at 8:39 am
I am not sure if bedwetting is more common now or just more accepted. I wet the bed until I was in early grade school and remember weaing diapers at night, no pull ups back then. Also they were thick crinkly pampers that were very obvious unlike today’s thin diapers/ pull ups. So I think for kids to deal with today. I remember being very conscientious about my night time diapers. If we were out late, like 4th of July fireworks I would have to be changed into my diapers and I felt like everyone knew I was wearing diapers. You can just imagine how terrifed I was with having a babysitter.
Tadd | July 27th, 2009 at 8:18 am
I hope I don’t come across as overly critical but I really can’t understand why parents are so obsessed with something as normal as Bed Wetting. It doesn’t really matter if a wetting child is 6 months old or 16 years old, for them… it’s NORMAL. I don’t think any of us would dream of putting their 6 month old child to bed without diapering them first. They need the diaper because they can’t control their bladders yet. Well guess what… it’s NO different for a 16 year old who still wets! Any trauma, fear or insecurity they experience comes from us… the grownups… telling our children that there is something wrong with them because they haven’t stopped wetting yet. Doctors have tracked enuresis in children and adults for decades and we all should know that the majority of kids will gain control of their bladders on their schedule NOT our (their parents) schedule! Unfortunately, for reasons to numerous to list, 2 or 3% never will. For that reason alone we (parents) need to refrain from erroneously building our children expectations that if they just try harder or take this or that pill the wetting will stop because it might not. I come from a large family (7 brothers and sisters) of wetters. I finally stopped sleep wetting just before I started the 6th grade but I couldn’t stop wearing a night diaper until my older sister was dry at night also and that was when I started high school. Mother was adamant about not showing any favoritism or special privileges. There was a system in our house, sort of a “diaper assembly line”, where the older kids (myself and my older and younger sisters, I was the only boy and second oldest) would diaper the younger ones and babies before bedtime and mother would supervise my older sister and I to be sure we pinned and tucked our diapers into our rubber or plastic pants properly. Mother wouldn’t tolerate a wet bed or wet pants and as far as she was concerned, diapers were just another form of underwear or pajamas. Now that my three are all grown and my youngest has just had her first the one thing that I’m proud that I passed along to my children was cloth diapering. They have carried on the tradition although we’ll have to wait and see if the sleep wetting was passed along too.
Stephen | August 22nd, 2009 at 12:38 pm
I am 14 years old, and have wet the bed since the age of 6. I hope i will grow out of it but in the mean time nothing to be done about it. same with your daughter id say…
Elisabeth Johnson | September 12th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
She will eventually grow out of it. Until then there is nothing you can do about it but wait and be patient with her.
Shawna Miller | September 12th, 2009 at 1:10 pm