Parenting Without a Manual
with Karen Murphy
I'm Karen, the poster child for the concept that there's no one right way to be a parent. I went from stay-at-home attachment-parenting mom of four to being the non-custodial parent, working as a professional writer and channel-psychic. Let's talk about throwing away the parenting manual and exploding the myths and mystique of motherhood!
Check out Karen's Work It, Mom! profile and read her blog, Juxtapositioning.
How can you have your pudding if you don’t eat your meat?
That bowl of cold congealed peas, eaten alone after the table was deserted except by one solitary small weeping figure, was not going to disappear by itself.
Later, the rule was that vegetables were to be eaten before even a bite of bread could be consumed. You dared not even think of dessert until and unless your plate was scraped clean first. You had to consume every last inedible something-went-wrong-in-the-freezer lima bean before anyone else even touched — and then refused to eat — theirs.
I swore my kids would not suffer the same fate. I swore I would not make food an issue and would not force them to eat things they truly did not like (I still won’t eat peas).
But food costs real money. Who can afford to let things go to waste?
Kids are notorious for being picky. At about 18 months, they seem to hit a “white” phase — refusing all but white foods like pasta and bread — that lasts years while they develop a taste for more strongly-flavored foods. Or they want nothing but applesauce for a week. Or nothing but cinnamon toast.
So where do you draw the line?
My rules are simple:
- You have to try new foods, just a bite, even if you are sure you won’t like it just by looking at it. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to eat it.
- You have to try that same new food the next time it appears because last time you didn’t really give it a fair chance (no, I don’t call choking down a bite the size of a lentil while making gagging sounds a fair chance).
- Seriously. Third time’s the charm.
- Take a little of everything. You can always have more.
- If you don’t like anything on the table, there are apples in the fridge and you know how to make a sandwich. Two apples? Okay.
- I’ll never admit this, but yes I do make things just for you, that only you like.
- Everyone gets dessert (when there is some), at least a little. Unless you are sick and then I trust you to know yourself and decline it. You should be in bed anyway.
All my kids eat mostly everything now. I count myself as lucky. I think sometimes kids instinctively shy away from foods they may develop an allergy to or a sensitivity to if forced to eat too much of it, so I am all for trusting them on that (I think I am actually allergic to peas, yeah, that’s it). Sure, there are games played with that, too, but I lean toward trusting kids to know what’s good for them. On our end of the deal we have to provide them with good choices and a good role model. If they see us eating broccoli and Brussels sprouts, chances are they will, too. Eventually.
But tying rewards to eating is just sending the wrong message.
How do you deal with the picky eaters in your family? Were you raised on the eat-everything-on-your-plate-before-dessert meal plan? What food rules do you differently with your own kids?
Photo: appleshe, SXC
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My kids are taught to clear their plate. I tell them “we don’t waste food. God gave us food to eat it, not to waste it.” I feed them organic foods that are not artificially “fortified” and I don’t give them vitamins, so it’s important that they eat a good variety of food.
Even my picky eater will eat most things in modest quantities. There are some things she truly can’t stand and I take that into consideration when I plan a meal. For example, her feelings about different kind of beans range from polite tolerance to utter disgust. I make mixed veggies and give all the beans to Sister, leaving maybe one on her plate, which she always pleasantly “shares” with her sister anyway.
If someone just isn’t hungry enough to eat something, I’ll either save it for later or allow it to be shared. I don’t serve alternatives or give snacks or juice between meals.
Both of my kids will occasionally pick out substances they don’t approve of - like little bits of green peppers and stewed tomatoes - they inform me they don’t “yike” it and place it on the side of their plates, and I eat it. I make it a point to let them see that I really mean it when I say “we don’t waste food.” I also clear my own plate every time.
Of course, I will make exceptions when something is “really bad.”
My kids are both good eaters, so “clear your plate” can’t be all bad.
SKL | April 1st, 2009 at 7:58 am
We are struggling with this issue right now in our house! Both sides of our families have eating disorders/control issues around food. His=overeating, mine=anorexia. So I’m hyperaware of the problems surrounding food issues. That being said, all of our power struggles seem to be at the dinner table!! Examples, “eat one more green bean and then you can go play.” Or “Eat that strawberry or else no ice cream.” Or “No, you asked for oatmeal this morning, so you do not get a bagel instead, even though you changed your mind. ”
I have decided that while setting boundaries is important (our girls are 2.5 yrs old now), I also want them to stop eating if they feel full, whether it is a waste of food or not.
Our preschool emphasizes “growing foods” before “snacks”, but not about doing something before play or not. This feels right to me, and I have to figure out how to implement it.
I’m curious to hear what the other comments will be.
spacegeek | April 1st, 2009 at 6:13 pm
We mostly go with eat until you’re full - not stuffed, but comfortably full. This is a hard concept to teach a kid. We do require that their plate is clean before they can have seconds of anything. Which means if they want more Mac & Cheese, then they have to finish their vegetables first. We don’t require them to take some of everything. They have to have the main dish and at least a vegetable/fruit. If there are multiple vegetable/fruit offerings, they can pick which ones they want as long as they have at least one. And if we have something they’ve never had before or that they don’t think they like, then we have to try a little bit. If it is something they KNOW they don’t like (such as peas for my step-daughter) then we don’t force her to have any.
Jenni | April 2nd, 2009 at 2:51 pm
We struggled with this with our oldest son. When he was about 3, he decided that he didn’t want to eat his dinner. Then a couple of hours later he wanted a snack…so we just saved his dinner for him…he could have that as a snack. He caught on quickly…he’s a smart one.
He has always been a bit picky, but I don’t require either of my boys to eat anything on their plate. We serve a variety of foods and they eat what they want. If they don’t like anything, they can have yogurt or cereal (we don’t have sugary cereals). We even have the same rule for kids visiting our house (VERY often).
I’ve packed his lunch at school for many years, and I just pack a lot of nutritious things and he picks and chooses. Suddenly at age 10 in the fourth grade he eats just about everything.
Karla E | April 2nd, 2009 at 9:33 pm
My teen has become more and more picky. He has Asperger’s, too, so his OCD behavior makes the potential for battles even stronger. I make sure he has enough healthy food, and then I don’t push it. Like you, I don’t want a battle over a meal to become a lifelong phobia. Ironically, we’ve found he enjoys going out to eat and will eat foods at restaurants that he will not touch at home.
Daisy | April 3rd, 2009 at 7:27 pm
Spacegeek, check out the Ellyn Satter books: “Child of Mine,” “Secrets of Feeding a Healthy Family,” “How to Get your Kids to Eat but Not Too Much.” She advocates a division of responsibility in feeding that I hear echoed in many other places. She’s a nutritionist and a nurse and has lots of clinical experience with kids and eating disorders. She’s a nutritional moderate and talks about enjoying food and making meals a pleasant experience.
Basically, the division is you decide what, where and when and present a balanced meal at regular times. Once the food is on the table, you’re done. It’s your child’s job to eat from what you present and they get to choose how much. It’s not your job to get your child to eat. With the freedom to choose from what is offered, a child will, over time, get the needed calories and nutrients to be healthy and will learn to eat a variety of foods.
“Child of Mine” goes into great detail about the division of responsibility with regard to ages and stages. There’s also a great graph on how and when the body uses each type of food (fat, protein, carb, sugar) that really illustrates the need for balanced meals and snacks. “Secrets” provides less detail on the theory but has fantastic sections on menu planning including recipes and preparation tips. This book is my standard baby shower gift.
As far as wasting food goes, we all use small plates and take small portions to start. Whatever’s left in the serving dishes gets saved and turned into something else or served on leftover day. I don’t require a courtesy bite but I do ask for a courtesy taste that can be spit out if necessary.
Jennifer | April 3rd, 2009 at 8:39 pm
My daughter, who is 4, is very good about eating breakfast and lunch. We have a hard time getting her to eat dinner. She’s usually too busy talking. She’s picky, so if we are eating something she doesn’t like, I make something for her I know she will eat (which I SWORE I’d never do), but try to keep it balanced, a portion of meat, one veggie/fruit, and one carbohydrate. Generally half way through dinner, she’ll ask “how many more bites til I’ve had a good dinner” Its annoying, but it works. I do not expect her to clean her plate because I want her to eat until she is full not stuffed. If I feel she’s eaten enough nutrionally, I allow her a small dessert. She is very good about not complaining if I say she didn’t eat enough. The other night, at a friend’s house, they asked if she wanted an ice cream cone. She replied ” No, I didn’t eat a good enough dinner” She is also not a real big sweet eater. She’ll take a few bites of a cookie, or cake, and throw the rest away. So even though I know she saves room for dessert, it doesn’t bother me that much.
Erica | April 4th, 2009 at 10:25 pm
My two youngest and my two oldest..have been totally different with them and eating. My oldest two when I made liver..they had to eat it..drenched in Ketchup…but had to eat it. My two youngest like to eat healthy and will eat it on their own. I never was that strict on making them finish everything on their plate…but know if they wanted dessert that they had to finish what they had first.
My youngest two are real good about eating healthy.If I forget to buy carrots at the store…she lets me know she would like some.
One of my Grandchildren is at the age of being a picky eater…hopefully he will outgrow it. A lot of times he would enjoy eating just fruit.
eileen | April 6th, 2009 at 9:20 am
I will never force my child to eat. I don’t think that making a child eat is forming good eating habits. If she chooses not to eat, that is her choice. Eating when one is not hungry is not healthy. I don’t make alternative meals, however. I’ll save her dinner (or whatever) and she can have it later if she is hungry later. I don’t see any reason to treat children differently from adults in this area. As an adult, if I am not hungry, I can choose to eat later when (if) I am hungry. So can she. I don’t want her learning to overeat. So far, so good, I hope.
Robyn | April 6th, 2009 at 3:36 pm