Parenting Without a Manual
with Talyaa Liera
I'm Talyaa, the poster child for the concept that there's no one right way to be a parent. I went from stay-at-home attachment-parenting mom of four to being the non-custodial parent, working as a professional writer and channel-psychic. Let's talk about throwing away the parenting manual and exploding the myths and mystique of motherhood!
Check out my personal blog at Juxtapositioning.
A hundred or so years ago, this wouldn’t even have been a question. Children, if they had a separate room at all, shared it with whatever other children were in the family, regardless of age or gender.
When my older son turned about 9, he started bathing alone instead of with his sister, then 5. That seemed about right to me, and he led the way with the decision. They still shared a room (bunk beds rule!). One of my favorite things then was to overhear their early-morning whisperings via the baby monitor still in their room to alert me to the late-night stylings of Night Terror Boy or Hypochondriac Girl. (I had yet another kid in my bed then so it wasn’t like I was getting off scot-free anyway.)
A year later, we moved, everything changed, and Boy and Girl got their own rooms. (A year after that I was campaigning to move Smaller Boy into Girl’s room and out of mine … we ended up agreeing he could sleep on a bed we made there on the floor every night but that the room was still in essence Hers, and woe be to any Smaller Boy who tried touching anything in there!)
New homes are trending smaller, which is good news. We don’t need sixty bedrooms, a 5-car garage, a Designated Media Room, and a 30-foot kitchen.
But smaller homes means fewer bedrooms. Which means kids are going to be sharing. All kids. I can see it now.
After doing considerable research, which involved reading this Babycenter post from a zillion years ago (it’s from 2002, which is a zillion years ago in blog years) which has approximately 80 hundred kajillion comments, I’ve discovered that the demographic is going to split like this:
A. [shrug] No big deal. We were 8 kids to a bed. It was great. I’d do it again in a heartbeat.
B. OMGOMGOMG! This is EVIL! Hanky-panky! It’s just … WRONG!
C. Meh. Not my choice, and I don’t mind what YOU do, but … I’ll think about this later.
Mostly leaning toward A. I was kind of surprised. I thought we were more judgmental/fearful than that. Yay for us!
So what about you? Do you have kids that share? How’s it working out? Would you downsize to smaller/cheaper digs if it meant your kids would have to start sharing? Has the number-of-bedrooms thing kept you from having another child? And are you scarred for life, er, the wonderful person you are today, from sharing a room when you were a kid?
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We were 4 to a room (2 boys, 2 girls) until the oldest (boy) was at least 10. There was no hanky-panky that I can remember. But I think it would have been a bad idea to keep it that way much longer. My oldest brother hung around still older kids who exposed him to all kinds of ideas, and while it’s great to give every kid the benefit of the doubt, it’s also a bit foolish (unfair even) to provide an open field for temptation.
Nowadays, they introduce fairly detailed sex information in schools at a younger age, so my concern would be that kids would get “ideas” before they were old enough to understand the moral aspects. So I’d probably want to separate the genders even younger than my parents did - if I had both sons and daughters.
I have only 2 daughters. They share a room and I assume they will do so until they are pre-teens at least. Beyond that, we women do like our space - and if it’s feasible, I would like to allow that. But it’s not “necessary.”
SKL | May 27th, 2009 at 7:55 am
My children share a room, but they’re both girls. They’re very little (2 and 4), but I plan to have them continue to share for a LONG time. We live in a small house, but there is a 3rd bedroom. However, we have chosen to keep it as a guest bedroom, since all grandparents live far away and need somewhere to stay in order to see us. Also, it sort of offends my sensibilities, this idea that all children, even tiny babies, need their own entire room. I don’t agree with those values that bigger/more = better. My girls love being “sleeping buddies” and it’s good for them to share. I’m not sure what I’d do if they were a boy and a girl—probably have them share as babies/toddlers but give them their own rooms in early grade-school….?
Shannon | May 27th, 2009 at 8:37 am
Until they reach adolescence/puberty, I don’t think it’s a big deal at all. However, I am a FIRM BELIEVER that all adolescents NEED their own space. I had to share a room with my sister during our teen years and it was very difficult for me to not have any “room of my own” where I could go and hide and be alone with my moody, teenaged self.
Robyn | May 27th, 2009 at 9:01 am
My first reaction is “no”, but our parents and grandparents shared rooms and turned out fine! Sometimes you just don’t have a choice.
SavingQueen | May 28th, 2009 at 10:06 am
My kids (daughter age 6 and son age 3) share a room. It is mostly a wonderful thing — they whisper and giggle and comfort each other if one is sad or scared. Sometimes the oldest says she wants her own space (right now it’s limited to her top bunk, where he can’t climb) but I think they really like sharing for the most part. I do worry about a few years from now, when privacy becomes an issue. We don’t have another bedroom (which is also the main reason we haven’t had a 3rd kid) but at some point we’ll either have to build one or move! I just can’t predict when that point will be.
shriek house | May 28th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
I’m not a fan of kids sharing a room whether they are the same or opposite sex, I think maybe because my brother and I never shared a room. I valued having my own space so much that I would like my kids to have their own privacy and space. However, I don’t think it’s terrible or anything like that for other kids to share rooms. Every family is different and a lot of kids like sharing a room and having someone else there to cause mischief with.
oceans mom | May 30th, 2009 at 9:16 pm
Growing up, we were 4. Myself as the oldest, 2 brothers (each two years apart) and my sister, who came 10.5 years late.
My brothers shared a room for their entire stay in my parents home - and my sister and I shared briefly. Our parents decided that a 10.5 year age gap was too much and they had an extra room added for me.
If we had more than one child, same gender would share rooms. I think it’s easier that way when kids hit puberty especially and boys and girls trend to very different likes/dislikes with respect to their space and how they utilize it, not to mention their own personal comfort level in terms of dressing as their bodies change.
Phe | June 1st, 2009 at 9:48 am
My twins, boy and girl, will be 5 in September and they currently share a room. They shared a full sized bed until about a year ago when my girl asked for her own bed. I think they’ll probably continue to share a room through kindergarten but I have a feeling she’ll lead the way in room separation.
I think while they’re young, I’d say till maybe 9 year old, there’s no issue sharing a room. After that I my fear wouldn’t be hanky-panky, I would probably be more inclined to separate them just to give privacy and independence.
My best friend shared a room with her younger brother (1 year 9 months younger) until she was about 9 and then her parents moved when she was about 14 and she had to share a room again. I remember her hating it and changing in the bathroom.
Shannon | June 2nd, 2009 at 11:30 am
I have 3 kids–2 boys and 1 girl and they all share the same bedroom. we live ina small 2 bedroom house, so teh kids get the “master bedroom” and we get the smaller one. it causes issues with naptime and bedtime but we can’t afford to move or expand so for the time being this is it.
Amy Flood | June 2nd, 2009 at 2:34 pm
Two of my three kids live with their dad and at 15 and 13 (girl and boy) are compelled to share a room most of the year. They HATE it but so it goes. They live in a very small apartment and that is the space available. The kids end up changing in the bathroom and try to find privacy elsewhere. Phone calls tend to be made from a small laundry room in the back of the apartment or on the terrace outside, weather permitting.
Before that, when they all lived with me in our apartment, my daughter shared a room with her younger sister and my son had his own room. These days, when they spend the summer with me, all three kids have their own room. Clearly a better solution, but not always possible.
Kelly | June 5th, 2009 at 6:23 am
My parents divorced when I was really young and my dad could only afford for a 1-br apartment. So my brother and I shared a room (bunkbeds do rule) until we left for college. My dad slept on the lower bed when we weren’t there and slept on the couch when we were. We were at my dad’s half-time.
It was no big deal. The only thing that was different was after about age 10, we got dressed in the bathroom.
In our house now, if we have another kiddo then they will have to share a room. If we had more than one, we’d probably give the kids the master and then take the smaller room to ourselves. But since we still only have 1, it’s not a decision I’ve had to make yet.
Robyn - Who\'s the Boss? | June 8th, 2009 at 9:59 am
My children during the weekends and on holidays/vacation often sleep in the same room boy age 11 girl age 5–either on a pallet or cot and bed….this weekend they came to me and said they’d like to move stuff around and share a room–2 beds. I’m toying with the idea and after reading this I’m thinking ok…I don’t see any real longevity in this…but at the moment I don’t see any problem with it either. they will let me know when they require more space.
leslie | December 21st, 2011 at 12:07 am