Parenting Without a Manual
with Karen Murphy
I'm Karen, the poster child for the concept that there's no one right way to be a parent. I went from stay-at-home attachment-parenting mom of four to being the non-custodial parent, working as a professional writer and channel-psychic. Let's talk about throwing away the parenting manual and exploding the myths and mystique of motherhood!
Check out Karen's Work It, Mom! profile and read her blog, Juxtapositioning.
My younger daughter is nine. Nine-and-a-half, actually, and her days as a kid are numbered. Girls are hitting puberty earlier and earlier these days, and while I kept Serena away from the hormones in milk and meat that are associated with early puberty when she was younger, she’s, well, not getting any younger. She’s going to get a visit from Aunt Flo, drive in a red car, surf the crimson wave, or ride the red pony soon enough. (Like those euphemisms? There are more. Lots more.)
I had just turned 13. It was the summer between 8th grade and 9th (how fitting, the change from little-girl junior high to big-girl high-school) and a few months before my mom had pulled me aside, handed me a box of maxi pads (how was I going to hide this? The box was as big as our new microwave oven!), and asked if I “needed anything.” That was it. That was The Talk. Thanks, Mom. I guess I can read the side of the box myself.
Serena lives 3000 miles away from me in a house filled with men. This kind of thing calls for a woman. Last time I was there visiting, I tried a segue into The Talk. Maybe I was too urgent about it.
“You know, pretty soon your body is going to change and look more like mine.”
(This is where she looked down at herself and then looked at me as if two long purple worms were crawling delicately out of my nostrils and swaying synchronymously to the tune of The Pussycat Dolls’ “When I Grow Up.”)
(The conversation was quickly abandoned. It looked like she knew what was coming — Growing Up! Responsibility! Change! More Chores! — and was trying her best to bail on a bad situation. Good luck, honey, we all go there.)
Failing sending her a book about menstruation and a charm bracelet (my mother gave me hers when I turned 12), I’m not sure where to go with this. If I was with her we could have a series of seemingly-casual conversations and answer all her questions. My older daughter was obsessed for years with getting her period, and would require an update on The Talk every few months as new questions arose. But again: she’s there in a house filled with men of varying ages and sizes, and I doubt they are much help for this sort of thing. And, well, this is part of being a mother, the passing-down of female wisdom and all. I want to be a part of that for her.
This is where you come in. I’ll combine a phone call or three with sending her a package filled with … what? Books? Which books? Which good ones would you recommend? Any other materials, gifts, thoughts, amulets to ward off evil that you could suggest? This, maybe?
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How about some maximum strength Midol and a heating pad?
I started my period at the end of 6th grade, just before I turned 12. That’s about the same time as most of my friends. But what I remember most was that my periods were very, VERY painful for YEARS. And I would vomit. I missed at least one day of school every month until I was old enough for my doctor to suggest putting me on the pill, which was sweet relief.
Robyn | July 9th, 2009 at 8:57 am
The book: Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret, by Judy Blume. You may want to read it first to confirm it’s OK for your 10-year-old. You could send her a copy and then schedule a sort of “book review” over coffee/hot chocolate at your favorite bookstore, during your next visit together. Then work together on a list for preparing a “secret stuff sack” containing things she won’t want to share with all those males. Let her help pick out a nice bag/box if she’s interested, but don’t be surprised if she doesn’t want to shop with you for the “stuff” yet; fill it up for her if need be. It took me years to be brave enough to buy tampons in a store!
I hope she’s heard the basics in school - I started getting that at age 9, over 30 years ago - so you can focus on those things she can’t ask her dad. If you are her biological mom, you can let her know about your experiences that she may have inherited (though that’s not a given). Use personal experience stories to introduce ideas like being prepared in advance, what to do if the pain or bleeding is severe, etc. You’re less likely to get eye-rolls that way.
Another idea is to have her dad ask her, “would you rather have this discussion with your mom or me?” (I’m not sure whether I’m being tongue-in-cheek or not on that.)
SKL | July 9th, 2009 at 10:25 am
Maybe I’m naive about how 9 year old kids operate, but what’s wrong with “straight talk”? Like “Hey, you might be getting a period soon. If that happens let me know, I’ll be happy to send you money or anything that you require to feel comfortable, if you have any questions, or anything seems weird, call me. Here’s what I use/used - I’m sure you’ll figure out what works for you - I’ll buy you any stuff you want to try out. It’s also a good idea to be prepared and have at least thin pads stashed, so that you are not running around asking daddy for urgent trip to grocery store/pharmacy?” I don’t think I’d be rolling my eyes to that, compared to getting all excited about a “special box” only to find out that it’s filled with pads and books on how female body operates.
Maria | July 9th, 2009 at 11:51 am
I would send her The Care & Keeping of You: the Body book for Girls (American Girl library). I cannot recommend this book highly enough. It covers EVERYTHING… monthly cycles, the difference between tampons and pads and how to use them both. It covers many other topics as well - bras (when you need one and how to talk to your parents about it), shaving, deodorant, acne and how to deal with it etc. I gave it to my daughter when she was your daughter’s age and she has read it cover-to-cover many times. It’s made it much easier for her bring up subjects that are embarrassing to her.
Diane | July 9th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Having been there and done that, I’d like to throw my 2 cents in and suggest a couple of REALLY good books.
Growing Up: It’s a Girl Thing, by Mavis Jukes
and
Dr. Ruth Talks To Kids: Where You Came From, How Your Body Changes, and What Sex Is All About
Both of these are absolutely wonderful. My daughter went thru puberty during her time in parochial school and considering that their idea of sex education is more religion than fact, what info she got was virtually useless. They were more interested in telling the kids what NOT to do than giving them the real facts about their bodies, therefore causing so much confusion and utter BS it wasn’t funny. I went to the bookstore and browsed until I found something I thought she could handle. She totally devoured them in 1 night and then we talked. She even asked if she could give them to a friend in her class and when I said no, she didn’t understand. I told her that while we had always been open with her and gave her the answers to questions she asked, other parents might not appreciate such openness (considering some of the parents at the school were so close-minded it was pathetic). She understood that.
BTW, the Dr. Ruth book is VERY VERY good and speaks to the kids on their level.
JD | July 9th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
You guys ROCK. This is exactly what I needed. Robyn and SKL, I had totally forgotten how debilitated I was in those early years with the pain. Add to that the shame, and well, I don’t want that for my daughter. Being prepared is good. Maria, good point about the disappointment factor with the “special box” — I’ll figure out a different presentation. And Diane and JD, I’m heading over to Amazon right now to check out your book recommendations; they look awesome!
Again, I can’t thank you enough.
Karen Murphy | July 9th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
Karen,
Something I forgot to mention. My BFF and writing partner passed on something to me that she and her hubby did for their daughter, and that I ended up doing for mine. And coincidentially, both girls have the same 1st name. When daughter got her very first period, she and I were out of town at the time. She came to me and told me. I went and got a bottle of sparkling cider and a red rose and gave it to her. She and I then drank a toast to her starting her journey into becoming woman. She really liked that; that I had made it special for her and not frightening, as my BFF had told me that HER own mother had made it for her (BFF’s mom told her that her life was going to hell from then on. BFF was determined NOT to do that to her daughter and I really liked what she did for her own.).
JD | July 9th, 2009 at 9:37 pm
You already have great suggestions…my oldest two were the lucky ones- they didn’t get theirs until they were 12 1/2 years old my my two youngest..they had gotten theirs by the “start” of 5th grade. So better to be open and prepare her early so it not a big surprise. Liked all the book suggestions and Diane & SKL advice too- the secret box, etc. Hope you talk and get to visit alot to prepare her.
Eileen | July 12th, 2009 at 9:49 am