Parenting Without a Manual
with Talyaa Liera
I'm Talyaa, the poster child for the concept that there's no one right way to be a parent. I went from stay-at-home attachment-parenting mom of four to being the non-custodial parent, working as a professional writer and channel-psychic. Let's talk about throwing away the parenting manual and exploding the myths and mystique of motherhood!
Check out my personal blog at Juxtapositioning.
Oh my, the Duggars are at it again. Don’t get me wrong: I sort of like them. Who doesn’t admire the assembly-line precision they must have had to create just in order to, say, get everyone’s teeth brushed in the morning? Plus, they allow us to say to ourselves, “OMG, that could be me. But hello, no. No way. No way would I have EIGHTEEN KIDS.”
And then we can all breathe a sigh of relief and go about our day and maybe enjoy one of the other parenting train wrecks on TV, like Jon & Kate or Octomom.
That’s not me.
Since we’ve agreed that having 18 kids is probably unlikely for most of us — sheer logistics and, well, sanity tells us that — how many kids IS enough for one family? One? Two? Three? How do we decide the size of the perfect family? How big is your perfect family?
I have four kids. I can’t imagine one or more of them suddenly vanishing right now in a poof of electrons (thank goodness), but the cultural and economic climate of today seems to be leaning toward smaller families. You think? We’re tightening belts financially and we’re more aware now of environmental impact of larger families than we were ten years ago. If I were doing it all over again right now today I would probably make different choices. I think I’d have just one. Er, two. Er … I don’t really know (and I’m glad we don’t go back and unmake choices!). But here was my reasoning:
1. Eldest was born when I was 20, very much wanted and planned for. I loved that I was young while she was young, and I loved the thought that I wouldn’t be too ancient (not yet 40! gasp!) when she left to be on her own. Yes, being a single working mom was hard at times, but I loved it.
2. Next kid came 12 years later. Different partner, different perspective, different lifestyle. I loved that I could experience mothering from a whole different place compared to the first. Plus he was a boy! I loved that.
3. What? Have what would essentially be two “only children”? Nah. This time I (apparently) needed to experience secondary infertility for a while. Also to have two kids who were close enough in age (four years) to really play and be close. And they are. Oh my, are they ever. I love that. Plus, another girl! I loved that.
4. This one’s always going to be the baby of the family, a role he seems quite content with. He’s in a different world in some ways anyway, being both the baby AND the glue that holds it all together. I love that. What a cool guy. Plus he gives the others (and me) an up-close look at Down syndrome. And he’s a boy! I love that.
Hmm, so when it comes down to it, my reasons for having kids seemed to have been:
- A boy! Cool!
- A girl! Yay!
- I want one!
- I want another!
- What the heck!
- Woo-hoo!
Which leads me to the conclusion I could have been the Duggars, because I am guessing their thought process goes a lot like that. But they run out of toilet paper EVERY DAY, and I don’t. So there’s the difference between us.
But you, well, I am pretty sure you have different reasoning than mine in a lot of cases. We all do. The reasons for bringing children into the world are as complicated and unique as the children themselves. But, again, I think we’re headed for a world with smaller families. Economically, fewer of us can support big big families. A few years ago it seemed de rigeur to have three and four kids, but I’m betting that’s going to trend smaller again.
What about you? How many kids is the perfect number? And if you were starting over today, would you do it differently and have more or fewer kids?
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The more the merrier, as long as they are loved and cared for by their parents. Economically and environmentally, the difference between 1 and 3, 3 and 5, or 6 and 10 is 99% optional. My parents had 6 and I challenge most families with only 1 to spend less than they did. People don’t need to buy into the popular “wisdom” that each kid is a huge black hole.
I have only 2 and I’m not sure if I’d do things differently on a second try. It would depend on my marital status, mostly. I’ve always been single, and a single mom trying to support a houseful of kids is a whole different story.
SKL | September 2nd, 2009 at 11:02 am
They just announced they are pregnant again. 19 kids! Holy crap!! I had smaller classes in high school!
Cheryl | September 2nd, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Shortly after the Duggars had their 18th child I wrote “Are the Duggars a Family of 20 or an Industry?” for Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/singletons/200901/are-the-duggars-family-20-or-industry
At the time Papa Duggar said that they wanted more…
I write about small families, particularly those with one child, and the issues and decisions parents of smaller families have to face and make.
How many children is a very personal decision, but the trend is clearly skewing smaller as Karen notes. What parents feel they can do the BEST job of raising is the right number…but 19? Will the Duggars go for an even 20?
Susan Newman | September 3rd, 2009 at 9:17 am
I think it’s wonderful, and there should never be an answer to how many are enough. It’s a personal decision in which others should respect and refrain from passing judgement–especially negative. I am 46 and have four children (would love more) ages 2, 5, 15, and 16. I know how I feel when I hear wise comments about my having more children in my ’40’s. I’d like to smack them in their mouth and tell them to mind their own business. I really, really don’t understand how people think they have the right to pass judgement on others. I thought that was God’s job!
Denise | September 3rd, 2009 at 9:59 am
Couples have to decide how many kids they want (if any) according to how it will tax their sanity and peace of mind. That’s different for everyone. If Michelle Duggar can have 19 and feel peaceful and sane, more power to her. I personally would be in the loony bin. I have 3 and although I like the idea of having 4, I think the reality would overwhelm me, so 3 will be it for us.
Sheryl | September 3rd, 2009 at 10:05 am
The Economist recently had an article about family size. Turns out that as income goes up from poverty to middle class, family size goes down as people start focusing their resources on just 1 or 2 children. This is well documented in countries where there has been the kind of economic growth that lifts people out of poverty. Also seen in Europe, where many countries are having kids at less than the replacement rate and depending on immigration to keep the population up.
The interesting thing was that among the most affuent familes in the US, the trend is reversing itself. As wealthy people are able to afford college, etc for more children, they are choosing to have 3 and 4 kids instead of just 2.
I agree with Denise — choosing to have 20 kids is as personal a decision as deciding to stop at just 1.
SoftwareMom | September 3rd, 2009 at 10:52 am
I’m a single mother to 3 children and I cannot having any more or any less than I have right now. I do believe I’d feel this way even if I had a father in the home with me. Although I was in a relationship with each of my children (the oldest has a different father than the younger 2), each pregnancy was an unplanned surprise. 3 is the perfect number for me and I have been able to provide for them on my own.
I believe that each couple (or person) should decide how many or how few children works best for them. I’ve met couples who have decided not to have any children as well as ones that have decided to have only one. I don’t think you should have a child that you cannot provide or properly care for. Having said that, here’s my issues with the Duggars; The Duggars profess to be debt-free. They shop at thrift stores. They make the most use out of their resources as possible. Good for them. However, the Duggars - or more specifically, the Duggar parents - do not raise their children and could not possibly give each child the individual time that each child deserves. Michelle Duggar herself has said that should could not manage all of the children by herself so each older child has a younger “buddy” that they’re responsible for. In her most recent interview, she revealed that one of her daughters - at 16 - is now responsible for home-schooling the other children. Are the Duggars able to provide for the children they have? Yes, apparently they can. Can they properly care for them? No, they have to rely on their other children - who are still children themselves - to do that. Michelle is only the “buddy” to the youngest child for the first year of their lives, then the baby is assigned a new buddy that will then be responsible for them until…well, until they’re old enough to get a buddy. (When they first started doing reality shows, Michelle Duggar explained the buddy system.) I say it was time for them to stop when they needed to start relying on their children to raise each other.
Stacy | September 3rd, 2009 at 3:48 pm
I only have 1 child. That’s al I have patience for. And believe me, I got grief about that from my MIL and one of my SILs (hubby’s sister). They even tried to enlist my oldest SIL to talk me into having more. She, btw, has 8. Thank God she declined to do so. I stood my ground with the other 2, and had to be blount about it at times.
The one thing I can say, my oldest SIL and Mrs Duggar have something in common. Both of them didn’t look after the younger kids, they had the older kids doing that. In fact, my oldest neice held off having children until her mid-to late 30s because of that very fact. She’s the one that ended up having to do a lot of it and she, quite franklly, refused to have anything to do with small kids for a LONG time. She now has 2 and that’s all she wants.
The observation that the higher the income, the smaller number of children in a family. Add education into that equation as well. The higher educated the family, generally the smaller the family. Interesting to note in my hubby’s family is that the oldest son had 8, the next had 2, and we had 1. His sister didn’t marry until very late in life, so it was never a question.
And as long as you can financially, emotionally, and mentally provide for the kids, that’s up to the individual. However, as for me, I had absolutely no desire to turn my body into being a brood mare.
Jane | September 3rd, 2009 at 6:04 pm
Had I been born prior to known contraceptive development, no doubt, I too would have had several of children.
Thus far I’ve had four precious un-planned children. And I’ve been known to say that for me 5-7 is a good number.
However, given this season of my life, I’m trying to hold fast to four children.
carissa | September 4th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
i have 5 children and me and my hubby hardly ever get time to our self so i wanna know how the duggers have the time baby 19 on the way wow i love children but 19 and they have a grandbaby on the way ..
im happy with my 5 but im always so busy doing everything that i sometimes forget myself
hwest | September 4th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
The number of children someone has is really up to them. I came from a family of 9 children which was awesome. My siblings and I are very close.
I have one beautiful daughter and this has been another awesome experience for me.
The number of chilren in a family has nothing to do with how happy the family is or how much love is expressed.
As for affordability, I beleive that a family of any size can be supported in any economic environment. It is a matter of making it work for you and doing what you have to do.
Beleive it or not, I would probably have more children 2, 3, or 4 more if I were a bit younger. I love my one on one relationship with my daughter, but I do miss the commotion at times!
Barb | September 5th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
It is a personal choice. I have 3 and was a single parent for many years. If I had a different situation at the time I would have loved to have a big family. I came from a family of 9 and am glad to have many siblings. I just know for my self that my kids have been a blessing through good and bad times and I am honored to have them call me MOM.
Anne | September 5th, 2009 at 5:59 pm