Parenting Without a Manual
with Talyaa Liera
I'm Talyaa, the poster child for the concept that there's no one right way to be a parent. I went from stay-at-home attachment-parenting mom of four to being the non-custodial parent, working as a professional writer and channel-psychic. Let's talk about throwing away the parenting manual and exploding the myths and mystique of motherhood!
Check out my personal blog at Juxtapositioning.
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I’m the first to admit that I had no long-range plan in mind when deciding to have my four (FOUR!) children. Not that any of them appeared in a basket on my doorstep overnight, so there was some planning involved, but it never occurred to me to sit myself down at 18 or so and think about the next 30 years of my life in terms of when best to have kids, especially when I was having trouble deciding between majoring in Biology (doctor!) or Theater Arts (waitress!).
I may be alone in this un-planning. It turns out that quite a few people put a lot of thought into when they fit Having Kids into the messy, complicated other life-bits like Work, Relationships, and Family.
According to what I gleaned from this Motherlode post over at the New York Times, there are two schools of thought:
1. Have ‘em in your twenties. You’re younger, faster, and funner. Because on the 30th birthday, the human body turns overnight into a crabby old man yelling “Get off my lawn!” And because if you go this route, by the time you’re in your 40’s (the new 20), you can ditch the kids and have a life. So what if you didn’t climb the career ladder and make CEO by 30.
2. Wait until your mid-thirties. You’re older, wiser, and less prone to fall for standard kid attempts to 1) weasel out of something, or 2) form an unholy attachment to your pocketbook. Plus, presumably, by this time you have the money for ballet lessons, Wii, and college tuition. By this time, you need a rest from work anyway. And you wanted to change careers, right? Golden opportunity.
(I subscribed to neither school and had my first at 20 and my fourth at 40. I’m still standing and able to form short sentences. Go me.)
But what about you? Oh, before we get there, how about this stunning news: now we’re linking prevalence of autism to parent’s ages at conception. Um. Fabulous.
And I know first-hand about age-related statistical risks of genetic anomalies like Down syndrome. (My #4. I was 40.) However I also know that Down syndrome and other “defects” (ugh, that word) are common for parents of all ages. Let’s not argue statistics, but are figures like that enough to make you change your mind about waiting to have kids?
For a long time I was by far the youngest mom among my older daughter’s circle. I knew that by the time I was 38 she’d likely be off to college and I’d have a different life. I was just as happy, though, to remarry and eventually have three (THREE!) more children, but all that seemed a left turn from the path I had thought I was heading down. Pregnancy at 40 is a lot different from pregnancy at 20, and my relationship with my younger kids is different from that with my older. But is either path actually better?
Before I just throw my hands up in the air and suggest we all just forget having kids entirely because this whole thing is just too much to think about on the heels of Snowcapolypse and because my eyes have been blinded by the sight of flaming Olympic ice penises (opening ceremonies, oh my), may I politely suggest the following?
1. Have your kids whenever you want.
2. No two families are the same.
3. It’s none of my beeswax what you choose.
#3 notwithstanding, I have insatiable curiosity. Did you plan your kids years in advance? Did you go route #1 (20’s) or route #2 (30-something-plus)? Was the risk of genetic “defect” (that word again! stab a pencil in my eye!) an issue in your planning? Or did your kids appear overnight in a basket on your doorstep?
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I always felt, the sooner the better, but I thought I ought to get married before getting pregnant. Never did get married. But I always yearned for kids, so as I got into my late 30s, I started seriously looking at “other ways” to become a parent. In all this thinking, yes, I did consider the potential issues with having kids around age 40. Not just chromosomal issues, but the combination of first-time pregnancy risk and older mom risk at the time of birth, and the likelihood that I might not be all that fertile any more. But being single played into it as well. Would it be right to intentionally risk having a special-needs child, knowing I am the only breadwinner in the family? What if the child needed intense care that a working mom can’t provide? And finally, unless I have a high probability of producing another Einstein or Mother Teresa, would it not be more responsible to open my home to a child (or children) who are already born and in need of a parent? If I were, say, 35 at the time of all this thinking, I am not sure adoption would have been my choice. (But we’ll never know.)
As far as ideal age, I can chime in on my experience. Energy wise, you need to work to keep up with your kids after 40 (maybe 30 too, I don’t know). But it’s do-able. In terms of temperament, you’re more wise at 40 but also less patient, so that might be a toss-up. As far as money goes, that depends on how you live your life aside from having children. Most people I know who are older than me and childless don’t have that much of a “nest egg.” They live like they don’t need it, which is fine for them. But if you’re planning to have kids someday, in my opinion, it’s never too early to spend / save accordingly. Because if you do start a family around 40, it’s possible your earning power will decrease since (a) you’re no longer in your prime and (b) your kids might need you more than you expected.
SKL | February 17th, 2010 at 8:25 am
We waited, by choice, until 30 to have our first. Now I’m 34 and pregnant with our 2nd. We subscribed to the idea that once you have your children, they never truly “go away” and that we would be more concerned with helping our kids through college than travel in our 40’s if we had had them in our 20’s. We also wanted to have a certain dollar amount in our bank accounts and a nice home in a nice neighborhood before having children. These all might seem like material needs, but my husband and I both watched siblings struggle with money due to having kids before being financially secure, adding a lot of stress to their marriages; and let’s be real people, raising kids can be stressful enough as it is. I feel like I’m a more mature parent and truly value the fact that I’m raising an actual human being - not just an accessory to play dress-up with. (I’m not saying every parent who is young does this, but I have witnessed far too many who do to not acknowledge it.)
Stacey | February 17th, 2010 at 9:34 am
I think the ends justify the means. In other words, if I’d had my children at an early age, I’d think that was best; if I had them later, that would be best. Our own experience is our norm.
I had twins at age 33. My husband was 41. Ideal? Ideal enough. I was set in my career, we were financially secure (at least at the time!), and it was a a good enough time. Now, six years later, I have friends with kids starting college and friends who are pregnant.
I quite love how big the range of parents’ ages is now. My mom had me, her “caboose”, when she was 30…and that was considered old in then!
But for me, I’m glad I’m done…
Ironic Mom | February 17th, 2010 at 9:48 am
LOL! Flaming ice penises. I missed that…dammit.
Erm, yeah. So, until I met my current husband, here was my personal view on having children to raise and love and cherish: OMFG NOT ONLY NO BUT HELL NO.
I had my son at age 19 and had zero means of supporting him. I thought long and hard and finally, 3 months before his birth, initiated adoption procedings. Best thing I ever could have done for him, for real, yo.
But I’d been on my own for 4 years prior and I knew how hard life could be as it was. So, my decision was tempered off of some reasonable experience.
That being said, I eventually met a man, fell in love, married him and decided that there was no way in hell I would inflict him on a child. Well, I should say that my subconscious decided that and manifested it’s decision in my consciousness thusly: I would not inflict a mini-me on the world. Aren’t there enough hellspawn out there? Besides, Sundays are for hitting the trail head and choking the environment with two-stroke fumes (dirt bikes). The remainder of the week is for working, partying, and enjoying my disposable income.
Then I met my husband now and thought, “Wow. Turns out that kids with the right person is a really cool idea and I am in favor of it. Let me subscribe to this newsletter.”
Of course, I was 33 when Amelie was born and a little less prone to wanting to continue the lifestyle that had largely been influenced by my ex (how I disparage myself when I think of it).
33 seems good. I still have energy. I raised myself, on my own, from 15.5 on, so I’m a little mentally stunted which helps me relate to the brats - plus, I’ve done every conceivable thing that kids do and did not live in a vaccuum of innocence by any stretch - one of the bonuses to being a teen girl in the big wide world. Well, bonus now, any way. So, I’ll be 51 when she’s college age, which frankly, if 40 is the new 20, I’ll take 50 being the new 30. I can so do that.
And, I learned some stuff somewhere along the line too. Like, how to say, “No”; how to deal with tantrums (adults have them more than 2 year olds) with aplomb; how to manage (sort of) money and time.
I think that there is such a thing as “too young to breed”, but I’ve noticed that it doesn’t seem to have any bearing on chronological age.
Phe | February 17th, 2010 at 10:48 am
I had my oldest at 19 and my youngest at 26. #1 was unplanned, but it has worked out. My husband and I are looking forward to being (relatively) child-free by 45. We are raising our kids so they will be independent and self-sufficient at a young age, too. I think some people look down on young parents or assume they cannot provide well for their kids. Not every young parent is uneducated, broke, and naive about child-rearing. I certainly wasn’t. This opinion really does frustrate me because we had a had a healthy bank account and a brand new 4 br house in the ‘burbs by the time my oldest son was 3. He doesn’t recall 0-3 much, but we lived in a good-enough duplex in a decent college-town neighborhood then, too. I realize I’m probably the exception among young parents - I had a strong academic background before getting pregnant and graduated with an engineering degree & well-paying job at 21. I just think a person who is going to be a smart, capable parent with good financial management and child-rearing skills at 35 can probably be one at 20. When you have kids young, you just don’t have the luxury of 20-something angst.
My oldest son’s friends’ parents are typically 10+ yrs older than us, and I see plenty of evidence of parental struggles for those people - affairs, divorce, financial trouble, pregnant teenage kids. . .Life doesn’t give people who follow the college-dating-marriage-house-kids “plan” a pass, either, so you might as well have ‘em when you want ‘em and do your best. It’s never going to be a piece of cake!
AJB | February 17th, 2010 at 1:07 pm
My parents were very young when they had me and my siblings, so they were energetic, and when we were teens, pretty “cool” as to whatever was in fashion at the time. But they also had lists of rules miles long when we were little and severe punishments for every minor infringment (spankings for drawing in the window condensation with your finger, anyone?).
Hubs and I had our one child when I was about to turn 41 and we’re definitely a lot more patient and know which things are the little things, that we can let slide, and which are the really important ones to put our foot down on. Then again, we’re exhausted!
Like you said, there’s pluses and minuses either way, and every family is different.
Brigitte | February 19th, 2010 at 5:40 am
I think it’s all relative…I had my only child last year at the age of 30. I plan to start having a another one this year and then I’m done. I graduated high school, went to college, was an acquisitions officer in the air force, got my masters, got a great job as a civil servant. I had so much fun during my 20’s I can’t imagine how it would have benefited me to have babies so young. Now I feel established in my career, well traveled, knowledgeable, patient, nice house, two dogs, loving hubby, and I have no regrets. So it just has worked out better for me to have kids in my 30’s. Now if I was any older like say 40’s, I think that would just be to long for me to wait.
But like I said it’s all relative…that’s just my experience. I have friends that got pregnant in college and they are living the same wonderful life that I am. Only difference is they didn’t get to have the same “college life” and travel fun that I did. But instead had fun with their kids.
Also, I think about the guys I dated in my 20’s and it haunts me to think one of them could’ve been my baby daddy LOL. The older I got the more I knew what type of man was best for me, the other ones were just practice.
Acl | February 19th, 2010 at 8:59 am
AJB - who are you?! You sound identical to me and I need to talk to you!! I have not found anyone who has my story and would like to have a friend who understands!!
I was nineteen when I had my first son. Got married at 20 to the father of my child. Graduated with an engineering degree at 21. Bought our 4bd house in the suburbs last May when our oldest was 3. Had my youngest son in Dec and plan to have our third (and last) when I’m 26/27. Our oldest son’s friend’s parents are 10+ yrs older as well and we get along great. My friends from college are just now getting married and/or starting their families. We are not severely in debt. We love our lives as parents and missed out on the partying stage in college. . .and frankly, we don’t feel we missed much!
Hope to meet you on email soon!!
By the way, to all the working moms out there, I don’t think there is, or ever will be, a ‘perfect age’ to have children. I also don’t think anyone can ever ‘be ready’ to have kids.
TLM | February 21st, 2010 at 12:39 pm
Though there was no long term plan.. there were many mini plans which were laid out before we had our daughter! I knew i didnt want kids in the first year of marriage.. so the second the 2nd year started… we gave it some consideration. We thaught in our heads.. Now is as good as a time as any other. Honestly i could not come up with a strong enough reason to say: “Why Not”
No my daughter is two years old.. I knew in my mini planning head.. i didnt want to think of a second kid untill the first was at least 2. Hmm.. in my mind i am debating once more. My husband is donig the same.. i guess this time again, we will have to just figure it out: Why Yes.. adn Why Not!
Que Sera Sera
GNSD | February 22nd, 2010 at 2:31 pm
it’s scientifcally proven that the younger you have your kids the healthier and longer they will live having kids past the age of 26 is iresponsible and generally hurts the child for life wither have kids at the ages of 17-24 or dont have them at all it will ruin their life.
vince poppa | March 8th, 2010 at 1:30 pm