Parenting Without a Manual
with Talyaa Liera
I'm Talyaa, the poster child for the concept that there's no one right way to be a parent. I went from stay-at-home attachment-parenting mom of four to being the non-custodial parent, working as a professional writer and channel-psychic. Let's talk about throwing away the parenting manual and exploding the myths and mystique of motherhood!
Check out my personal blog at Juxtapositioning.
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A defining Bad Mom Moment came when my kids and I were playing a game where they had to pretend to be different things. “Be a lion!” “Be a cloud!” “Be a flower!” “Be a spoon!” (that one was hard, and hilarious) I quickly ran out of ideas of things they could pretend to be so I started having them be people they knew. “Be Nathaniel!” “Be Serena!” It had to be my turn soon, we had already run through everyone they knew. What would they do? “Be Mama!”
They both stopped, stock still. Hmm. How to Be Mama?
Finally, Nathaniel smiled. He had it! He sat down, and started to Pretend Type on an imaginary laptop. After a couple of seconds he looked up, glared at everyone in the room, and said, “Shh! Go away! I’m writing!”
Oh. My.
Not pretty.
It didn’t dawn on me until much later, but working from home made me a bad mom. Or, rather, I didn’t know how to be the mom I wanted to be. June Cleaver vacuuming in heels and pearls? Hardly. More like bribing my kids with extra episodes of Curious George if only I could have 15 more minutes to hammer out a blog post. Or cajoling (read: guilting) my older son into playing with his little brother for ten-minutes-that-turned-into-an-hour so I could edit my piece in peace.
I thought by embracing what I loved and spending time doing it, I was being a bad mom.
I know there are tons of moms out there that make working from home — while the kids are home, too — perfect. I was not one of them. I still don’t understand how it can be done without bribery, extortion, earplugs, or a full-time nanny.
And I believe that’s okay.
I was all prepped just now to offer a retrospective of ideas, a sheer cornucopia of concepts on how to make work and life really balance when the office is in your livingroom, but it dawned on me that I am totally barking up the wrong tree.
Nobody has to be June Cleaver. Nobody has to be Supermom. We can just be Bad Moms.
The kids will be fine however you play it. You will be fine. Just make a choice. You will make mistakes. No one is going to be scarred for life (except maybe the nanny). Being a Bad Mom means really owning your parenting choices, living outside the box if necessary, and doing what you need to do to make your life work for you. And if it doesn’t work, start making different choices.
It’s time we started being easier on ourselves. Stopped needing families — especially our own — to look a certain way. Started really living our lives instead of our lives living us.
I embrace the Bad Mom concept. Being a Bad Mom means doing the best you can and letting that be enough. Being a Bad Mom means stepping outside the box. Being a Bad Mom means being yourself. The kids will be fine. Thrive, even. And I believe we will all be better off.
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ha this made me smile… mostly once you talked about guilting your older son into playing with his brother. what is wrong with that? are we really supposed to be ‘playing’ with the kids the entire day? even joan cleaver didnt do that - she was cleaning! her kid’s impression was probably: vacuum in hand, dress in other hand and saying “now dear, pick up your toys and go play outside! i need to get this rug vacuumed before your father gets home”
i think instead of ‘bad moms’ we are just ‘moms’ and the ones who think they can be in multiple places at once with 120% of their attention in each spot are the ‘crazy moms’ who i never have any desire to emulate! (they scare me)
kate | September 9th, 2011 at 3:42 pm
I just had my first instance with this. My DD had pink eye last week. Her dad brought her to his job (he pretty much works alone) and had her watch movies and play games on the Ipad. I had an important meeting at my office to attend in the morning, but I left at 11:30 to go pick her up. First, my mind was still at the office and I missed the exit. Then I got her, brought her home and I still had to work. Every time she wanted me I kept hearing myself say one minute or I’ll be right there. I felt awful, my poor sick baby just wanted me to play with her or talk to her and I couldn’t.
For me, I just feel like I should leave work at work as much as I can and really be with my kids when I’m with my kids!
MomofTwoPreciousGirls | September 11th, 2011 at 6:59 pm
Holy Crap. Did you just jump inside my house and take a look around? I have 7 kids, and I’m a transcriptionist from home. I haven’t tried the Pretend You’re a Spoon game… but other than that, how did you find me? I keep pushing myself to be OneofThoseMoms… I work from home, I’m supportive to my husband, always have that batch of cookies handy, my work is done on time, my house is always clean, my kids always have my undivided attention… but in reality, my house is less than stellar most of the time, the laundry is piling up, there always seems to be Cheez-Its or popcorn to vacuum up, my two littles are screaming for me or climbing on my lap while I’m working, the older ones don’t want to help… I wanna cry after I read this. I’m not alone.
Rachael | September 12th, 2011 at 2:14 pm