Not to go all Grinchy on you, but I think it’s time for some serious change with the leaving-cookies-for-Santa thing. Let’s organize something, shall we? A new movement. I am pretty sure it will catch on. Occupy Cookie Plate. OCP for short.
I can see OCP now…eight tiny reindeer chained together in solidarity, shaking their tiny hooves at The Man. Squads of elves with their mouths symbolically duct-taped closed. Hand-painted signs hung from every fireplace mantle: “We are the 99% fat free.”
Santa’s plate of cookies has to go. Five ironclad reasons why:
1. Unwanted Cookies Are Unhappy Cookies. And unhappy cookies just don’t taste good. No one wants cookies at 2am. Trust me. After “sampling” the foil-wrapped chocolate balls that fill the bottoms of stockings and after two weeks consumption of stray raw cookie dough bits, the last thing anyone wants is a cookie.
2. Grubby Sticky Fingerprints. Mmm, you know the ones I mean. Yum, right? The slightly majorly squashed sad cookie that sensitive children feel compelled to deem special, like a dying Charlie Brown Christmas tree/firetrap, because sensitive children know in their hearts that Santa is kind and sensitive just like they are and will appreciate all the extra love that went into the making of that cookie. Yeah, that cookie. The sad squashed grubby ones taste better than the Martha-Stewart-Perfection ones, right?
Um, no. Especially not at 2am. Not even to Santa. Next.
3. Santa’s Freshman 15. Every freaking YEAR that guy puts on weight. What is UP with that?? Help a guy out, will you? I think he’d much rather have a nice glass of Zinfandel.
4. Cookie Fatigue. Or just plain fatigue. The kind that comes from weeks of late-night wrapping the gifts that bred in the closet since August and now stand in a mound as tall as a small elf. Cookie Fatigue + Elves makes cookies taste bad. Everyone knows this. What tastes way better is a roast beef sandwich.
5. Morning Comes Way Too Early. Especially when you’ve been up until 2 sneaking downstairs with the gifts that bred in the closet since August and now have turned into a gift-moat that surrounds the Christmas tree and that no one can get close enough to the tree now to plug the lights in. That is definitely when cookies just don’t do it.
No, what Santa really wants is a massage. And two weeks in Hawaii. I am pretty sure that Occupy Cookie Plate can get him that.