By Traci Feit Love, The Breadwinner Mom
If you’ve recently become the sole or primary breadwinner in your family, you’re probably a little nervous and/or worried. That’s to be expected. But don’t panic - you can do this.
Here are my top 5 tips for surviving (and even thriving!) as a breadwinner mom:
1. Find a caregiver you trust. Maybe it’s your husband, maybe it’s your mom, maybe it’s a paid caregiver. No matter who it is, the key is that you can trust that your kids are in good hands. If you’re worried about the kids, you won’t be able to focus on your work.
2. Start saying no. You are a busy person. You have the right to say no to things that will take precious time away from your work or family time. You are not a bad person just because you can’t host the next play date, can’t go on a field trip, or can’t make it to a colleague’s housewarming party.
3. Let go of useless guilt. Sometimes guilt has a purpose - it reminds you when you’re doing (or have done) something wrong. If you feel guilty because, for example, you stole $5 - well, you should feel guilty. That’s not the guilt I’m talking about here. I’m talking about useless guilt - feeling guilty because your house is a mess or because your baby is wearing yesterday’s onesie. Let it go. You haven’t done anything wrong. You’re working hard to support your family, and in your non-working hours you want to spend some quality time with your kids instead of doing yet another load of laundry. There’s nothing wrong with that.
4. When you’re at work, work.As the breadwinner in your family, your work is extremely important. So it’s crucial that you devote your full attention to it. Try not to call home (or the daycare facility) every ten minutes “just to make sure everything’s OK.” I know this is hard, but when you’re focused you’re more productive, and when you’re more productive you get done more quickly. Focus on your work, get it done, and get home. And that leads me to perhaps the most important tip…
5. When you’re at home, don’t work. Obviously if you work from home, you can’t take this statement literally. But the key point is that when you’re done working for the day, try to leave the work behind you. Focus on your kids, your husband, even your own personal interests (imagine that!). I’ll be honest - this is the hardest tip for me to follow. But I still believe it’s a worthy goal. When you’re working to support your family, free time is precious. Try to make the most of it.
What other tips do you have for breadwinner moms? What have I left out? Do you disagree with any of my tips? Share your thoughts in the comments!
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i need to do better at 4 and 5 - both seem to keep overlapping one another and after a while it just feels like you are ALWAYS working and feeling guily about something!
you have re-inspired me though! thanks for the list - i may need to print this out lol
kate | April 15th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Hi Kate,
You’re not the only one - I need to do better at 4 and 5 too! But it’s worth trying
Thanks for your comment and good luck!
Traci
Traci Feit Love | April 15th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
It’s really good to focus on work at work. Working heads-down can be tough, but makes it easier to go home and leave work behind. Good tips!
Rachel | April 15th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
I love #’s 4 & 5 and feel guilt (#3) because they aren’t hard for me to follow!
I think its also important to communicate with your (non breadwinner) partner about how you feel being the “provider”. I think its nice to frequently build up everyone in the family for what they do to contribute, even if its not monetary.
Renee | April 15th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
I can’t leave all my work at work; I’m a public school teacher. But I do insist on taking whole days (and certain evenings) to myself without schoolwork intruding. It’s about balance and about making sure my mind winds down and I can sleep at night.
Daisy | April 15th, 2009 at 11:18 pm
Good Advice!
One other very important factor is to communicate with your spouse about the situation. This is especially true if you become the breadwinner because your spouse is laid-off. If your spouse is a resiliant guy with good self-esteem you will both weather this time well. If he’s prone to depression though, you could be in for tough times unless you are both clear on what you each expect from each other.
It’s important for you to be able to strike a balance between being supportive and understanding and yet keeping him motivated and focused on what he can do to contribute to the family. This certainly does not have to be financial support only, but have the discussion up front about what roles he could/should take on around the home since he will likely have more time.
I’ve been conducting research on breadwinning mothers and how they feel about their situations. No doubt - those that discussed roles and expectations with their spouses up-front are much happier with the way things have turned out.
Take it from me - a breadwinning mother for the past 7 years who did not have the discussion up front - I wish I had!
Karen | April 16th, 2009 at 4:12 am
I’m a breadwinner mom of almost 4 yeras - After my hubby was laid off, it hit the fan all at once -
If I did not have first, spiritual guidance and a supportive network of OLDER women I trust, I would have cracked early on - seriously.
After my hubby lost his job, I was 4 months pregnant with our second child - It was a boy and he was born very healthy - thank god -
I was centered largely because of my hubby’s support - His self esteem and spirit both strong and accepting of our situation…
I had to get smart - let the perfection side of me ‘go’ - Your tips are my everyday thoughts - I felt alone some days - then supported other days - Isolated, thinking there were NO other women who lived my life.
After maternity leave for 4 months, and going back to work, I was refreshed and energized - with a supportive male supervisor, I got back into the swing of the demanding workplace easily - and got back into the swing of my small biz -
I got even more smart and creative by depending on supporting my passions and making them more lucrative for me and the fam I started baking as a catharsis - late at night - soon getting demands from friends and family for my baked homeade cakes - coffee shops followed suit - I still manage to keep things small - but those cakes have financed our vacations on spring break and family reunions on the east coast - It is such a blessing to use what talents you have to make a little extra money - My husband still is not working outside the home - but he has raised our son at home - with school 2 days a week to give him chances to run errands for our family and to do things for our businesses!
All while I’m traveling for work or sitting in the office going from meeting to meeting -
TEAMWORK is where the success is on being a breadwinning mama - A community of support from all my ‘closest’ 4 girlfriends, OLDER SAGE WOMEN who don’t gossip, but keep me honest -
and to find the lovely in everyday life -
As a women who has much energy to ensure my children don’t miss one thing lovely about their childhood and life, our children are in private school and we live on a strict budget with theh quest to find ‘free’ family things to do on weekends - COUPONS are my fave and we even have a healthy savings account now - and are debt free - no credit cards and our home as the only debt!
Be encouraged, if you are in fact a BREADWINNING mama - I am -
and I thank God he has allowed me to remain strong and loving throughout this journey!
Good luck to you!
Latrice
Workin’ Mama in the Northwest!
Latrice | April 16th, 2009 at 10:26 pm
These are all great tips. I am the primary breadwinner, and I was just recently laid off (just got a new job!) so I know how important and stressful it can be to be the primary breadwinner.
You need to have alternative care arranged when your trusted caregiver is sick, or when your kids get sick and can’t go to the daycare. This happens a lot with three kids, and it is very stressful unless you have a backup plan.
Taylor at Household Management 101 | April 21st, 2009 at 7:32 pm