By Shauna Glenn, author of Relative Insanity
You know how these days we’re all busy…Too busy to shower…Too busy to shave…Too busy to eat sitting down…Too busy to pee…
Really, I could be here all day. You get the point.
Truth be told though, we do it to ourselves. We extend our reach until there’s nothing more to give; we say “yes” when we should say “no;” and we’re always first to sign up for whatever some overachieving volunteer leader needs us to do. And then we wonder why we’re exhausted and drunk by four in the afternoon every day.
OK maybe you’re not drunk, but I am.
I say, we must put a stop to the madness–and fast! Before we all end up drunk, tied up, and dead in the back of some Oklahoma truck driver’s trunk.
So I’ve come up with a list of ways you can get out of doing things so that you may not end up on the news. You know, because of the truck driver. AND if you follow these simple steps you’re going to have lots of time to pee…because you might possibly be locked away in a mental institution.
1. When the phone rings and it’s someone from your kids’ school asking you to bake 10 pies for the fundraiser, put on your best Chinese accent and say, “She no live here. She dead.” That will surely get your name off the volunteer list. But don’t be surprised if the cops show up at your house. Still, totally worth it.
2. Whenever you’re in public, argue with yourself about whether a tomato is a fruit or a vegetable. “How can it be a fruit when it’s not sweet you idiot! Listen here freak, it’s a fruit because it’s round. There are no round vegetables. You have got to be the dumbest person ever. There are too round vegetables! Have you never heard of cantaloupe?” I find this is especially effective when you’re outside the school at the same time someone is asking for help with the homecoming float. Problem averted.
3. Cough. Like all the time. No one wants to be around someone who is hacking up a lung. Hold your breath so your face turns bright red and maybe even take a marker and draw tiny pinpricks all over your face and body. If you appear contagious, your presence is not going to be required at PTA meetings. And you may even get a muffin basket delivered to your home. Double win.
4. Wear a shirt that reads I Wish I Could Roll You Up Into A Tiny Ball And Keep You In My Pocket. No other explanation is needed.
5. And finally…Greet everyone you meet by rubbing your nose on their nose. People hate having their personal space invaded. And not only will you not be bothered to help with anything, your kids will receive extra love and attention. You know, because their mother is insane.
Look, I know doing one or all of these things will make you seem crazy, but you
want time to pee, eat sitting down, or just take a few minutes for yourself right?
And for the love of all that is good and mighty, TAKE A SHOWER!
PS. Just so you know, a tomato is a fruit. I know. Crazy.