By Lindsay of Suburban Turmoil
Let’s face it- Too many parents today have, well, “issues” when it comes to disciplining their children. If you don’t believe me, look around you; have you ever seen so many kids calling the shots in public?
Since overhearing moms and dads say, “MacDougal, let’s talk about what’s making you poke me in the eye with your finger over and over again. Are you feeling frustrated?” or “MacDougal, if you keep screaming ‘goddam’ like that, you won’t get your sticker for today,” is one of my pet peeves, I resolved very early on that I would control my kids, rather than the other way around. And while my children certainly aren’t perfect, they are turning out to be pretty darn well behaved, from my 19-month-old wannabe-hellion son all the way up to my 18-year-old stepdaughter. Here are a few tricks I’ve learned along the way.
1. Super Nanny. I like to make fun of Super Nanny’s “Naughty Corner,” but her television technique absolutely works. When my four-year-old, “Punky,” misbehaves, she has to go and stand in the naughty corner for four minutes. Afterward, I get down on eye level with her and let her both say she’s sorry and tell me why she’s sorry. Then we talk about it for a minute, hug and go on with our lives. I only have to use the Naughty Corner once every month or two, but occasionally, I’ve used it far more often, and that’s what I like to (privately) refer to as…
2. Bratty Boot Camp. From time to time, Punky has been, well, bratty, basically talking back and mouthing off all. Day. Long. When this happens, it’s Bratty Boot Camp time! During Bratty Boot Camp, I let nothing go- Punky might find herself in the Naughty Corner three or four times before it’s all over. However, I find that by the time the day has ended, she’s done with the sassiness and back to her sweet self. I assume she’s simply testing her boundaries- Devoting a day every so often to reinforcing what’s right and what’s wrong when your child’s behavior starts to get out of hand has worked very well for me.
3. Be consistent. When my son came along, I finally learned what it was like to have a Challenging Child. The boy has a nose for trouble, and as soon as he started walking, he went looking for it, tearing anything he could find to shreds, throwing tantrums, and lunging for anything in the room he knew he wasn’t supposed to have. It has been tough and tiring, but I’ve said “No,” loudly and firmly every single time he acts up (even in public, where people look at me like I’m pure evil when I tell my little cherub ‘No.’ Screw ‘em.). For months, it seemed like he was completely ignoring me, but suddenly, something clicked. He began listening to me and stopping the bad behavior! I know now that if I had not remained consistent with him, he would probably be one of those kids who slaps his mom’s face in public.
4. Make more deposits in your child’s life than withdrawals. This is my husband’s contribution and it’s at the core of our discipline philosophy. We try to make many, many deposits in our children’s emotional “accounts,” complimenting them, praising them, spending time with them, doing nice things for them- so that when we make a withdrawal and have to reprimand or discipline them, the positives far outweigh the negative. Yes, this concept sounds a bit trite, but think of all the parents that nag and tear down their older children and teens and you begin to see what I mean. Consciously making deposits ensures that your child feels protected and valued and loved, even when you have to discipline him or her.
5. You don’t always know best. It drives me crazy when people say, “You’re her mother; you know what’s best for her.” Actually, I don’t always know what’s best for her. I try to observe other moms and dads when I’m around them and ask questions when I see something that looks like it’s working. At times, I realize that their strategy is better than mine, and I modify my own game plan accordingly. I want to always remain open to change as a parent, and to never have too much pride to realize that someone out there might have a better parenting idea than mine.
And with that in mind, I’d love to hear your own discipline strategies in the comments. What has worked for you? What hasn’t worked? Do you have a Naughty Corner of your own? Tell me about it.
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My younger daughter is headstrong. When she was 1.5 years old, she decided that I wasn’t the boss of her. I tried the 1-minute time out, with rather wimpy results. Then I found what did work. One minute time-out for the first offense, then a warning that it would be 2 minutes if she did it again, etc. She’s bright enough to understand that. It worked like a charm. I don’t recall ever having to go past 3 minutes, and we now usually get through entire days / weeks with just an occasional warning.
I don’t play games. A warning, then a consequence. If the girls are fighting over something and don’t resolve it after my reminders to share / take turns, I confiscate. If they pretend to be deaf, they get a consequence. I expect a lot from my kids, and they usually deliver.
I constantly hear parental advice that tots just aren’t wired for civilized behavior or obedience. I’ve actually heard someone say a 1.5 year old can’t understand “no” and you can’t really expect that until age 3. Huh? I just don’t accept that. Has the human race morphed that much since my generation? No way.
Despite the funny looks, I will punish in a public place. It rarely happens, because my kids know I will do it, and they would rather avoid it. It’s worth an occasional unpleasant moment in exchange for dozens of pleasant outings with my tots.
I’ve worked with a lot of kids in my life, including some complete brats. The parents of these brats are of the opinion that they want their children to be happy, hence they hold back on discipline. But seriously, how many of these kids look happy to you? A child who tantrums, breaks things, and hurts others throughout the day is happy? Children want limits. I firmly believe that if you really want a happy child, you have to be committed to real discipline.
SKL | November 6th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
I love #4.
Nataly | November 6th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
what a great list! and I also like snagging good ideas from others. I think Super Nanny is the one reality show we can actually learn something useful from!
I add on to your #3 regarding consistency. When I tell my son “no” (in all its various forms!) I also tell/show him the appropriate behavior so he doesn’t just have to make wild guesses at how to the correction. For example, “no, don’t hit the doggy, be gentle, like this” and show him how to pet (this was when he was less than a year and he understood just fine!) as he gets older we sometimes expand to “no, you cannot do X, you can do A or B instead. Which one do you want to choose, A or B?” which allows him to expand his mental catalogue of choices in a given situation. (plus a bonus when going through that lovely everything-is-a-negotiation stage!)
It doesn’t always click the first time, of course, but I am constantly amazed at how quickly my 2 yr old will change his behavior based on what we have taught him! A healthy dose of #4 on your list helps too lots and lots of praise for doing the right thing
Kate | November 6th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
I agree on all of these, and especially love #4.
We are always working on filling our kids’ love tank, so that when we have to discipline them they are not left feeling empty.
Angella | November 6th, 2008 at 10:24 pm
These are all terrific. I think the technique has to fit the child and only the parents can figure that out. I find that giving my three-year-old some measure of (or the illusion of) control in a meltdown situation, it helps him get back down to a place where we can talk about what’s going on. Also, I try to remember to use a nice tone of voice — what kids wouldn’t tire of hearing constant nagging and correcting?
Joan | November 7th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
Don’t threatened what you won’t follow through on. Kids will get wise real fast.
My kids are older, but sometimes we have “Amish Weekends”. Nothing that plugs in or turns on is allowed. Not as punishment but rather the chance to interact with each other.
Susan K | November 7th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
Oooh, I LOVE the Amish Weekend idea, particularly since we actually go up to Amish country in KY from time to time and see how they live, so Amish Weekends would be a great lesson and tradition to start with my own kids in a couple of years.
Lindsay Ferrier | November 7th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
Great article as usual, Lindsay. I laughed out loud on the MacDougal examples.
One that’s always worked for me (in addition to the ones you listed!) - keep your voice down. Stop yelling and when you do yell, wow, it really gets their attention and let’s them know you mean business.
I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve witnessed moms screaming at their kids and the kids completely tuning them out. Voice volume - it works in your favor but takes a lot of discipline on the parent’s part.
And #5? Absolutely! I think moms learn this the hard way, especially when the kids reach the teen years. *ahem*
Write From Karen | November 7th, 2008 at 6:26 pm
I have boys that are 2 and 4 and I use the naughty spot as well. (Thanks Super Nanny!) And I call my boot camp “crack down time”.
We also spank, but rarely and typically for offenses like biting and hitting.
I try to praise them - especially when they are playing well and being selfless with each other. It is so touching to see them give up a toy for their brother. And if the naughty spot trip is due to an offense against their brother, they not only have to say sorry to the parent, but also sorry to their brother (with hugs for both).
Certainly none of us is an expert at being consistent, but I do try hard. I will say, “Do I need to find a naughty spot here?” I remember when a friend of mine would threaten her daughter and never follow through. I really felt like she was lying to her daughter. It was a good lesson for me.
Shelley | November 7th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
When all else fails, I have my 3.5 & 5.5 year old girls run laps. Seriously. We have a “party barn” in our development with a trail around it. I make them run around the barn. It gives me time to cool off and they get worn down. When the barn isn’t handy, I have them march up and down the stairs in rainy weather or run around the perimeter of our miniscule lawn in nice weather. They neighbors are now used to it and I have seen them do the same thing a couple of times.
misfithausfrau | November 8th, 2008 at 1:19 am
Those are all very good techniques and ones we use as well. And we have never spanked. I’ve never understood the logic of hitting a child to teach him or her that hitting is wrong. The discipline techniques like those you talked about are much more effective than spanking, in my opinion.
Stephanie T. | November 8th, 2008 at 3:57 am
I spank occasionally. I believe it is the most effective tactic in certain instances for certain kids. For those who have never tried it, that is your choice. But why people people think it’s OK to judge other people’s parenting choices on this particular topic? If you don’t do it, why mention it at all?
SKL | November 8th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
When my son was a baby I would explain to him ‘why’ I was asking him to stop or ‘why’ no was being told to him. I gave him the logic behind what I was asking of him. I was also very lucky that he responded to my change of tone or volume very quickly. When he was about 3 1/2 the light switch went off and he decided to stand his ground on him telling me NO. I immediately clamped down on the situation and explained that this behavior will not be tolerated and he had time out to think about what he was doing wrong. We discussed why he was in trouble and this turn in his personality lasted only a couple of weeks. Whew. All I had to do was say ‘we could do this the nice way or the not nice way’ after that and he always stopped for a few seconds and then agreed to my way. I’ve been blessed with a wonderful, loving, extremely intelligent son. He is 11 now. He loves the super nanny show and is appalled at the behavior of the children on the show!! He tells me - you are a good mom and I’m proof. He is proud he is a good kid. The amount of attention, real attention I gave him in his early years - paid off so far. I was consistent. Perhaps gave him too much information sometimes with my explanations, but he thinks about a scenario before acting. I’ve actually caught him explaining to other kids why they shouldn’t do something because it was the wrong choice.
Jenny in MN | November 8th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Good Pot. I think with 3 and 4 you have found the key elements of any discipline method that will actually be effective with children.
It doesn’t matter what consequences you use for bad behavior, if you don’t apply them consistently they won’t teach kids to behave. And kids are like bloodhounds, they can smell indecision on the part of a parent and exploit it, to their own detriment.
And you already said it so well about the importance of making sure they know they are loved.
The problem of course is that in order to be consistent as a parent you need to have self discipline. Unless the parent is mature enough to do follow through every time, even when it’s inconvenient, the child isn’t going to learn to do the right thing all the time either.
Which is of course the real reason why parenting is so challenging, one can’t remain immature and hope to do it well.
carrien (she laughs at the days) | November 8th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
Jenny, you bring up a good point, which is to address problems immediately when your children are small. I firmly believe that if you instantly work on a behavioral issue that comes up with your child, he or she is far more likely to quickly abandon it, since it clearly won’t be working.
I find that my kids “try on” different behaviors and attitudes from time to time. It’s really helpful to them, I think, when I immediately tell them something is inappropriate, rather than passing it off as a phase and ignoring it.
Carrien, you said, “Good Pot.” Heh.
Seriously, though, I see so many parents not following through- and it’s not always because they’re lazy or immature. Often, it’s because they’re exhausted from their day jobs, or they can’t follow through because their child is in daycare or school all day and their behavior issues aren’t being adequately addressed there. It’s tough.
Lindsay Ferrier | November 8th, 2008 at 6:46 pm
Thank you for this article! I have a 2 year old and a 10 month old. We’ve just recently begun saying No to the 10 month old because she has started to learn about things that are higher than her head lol. But my two year old I feel as though all I say is NO. We do time outs, we’ve tried different techniques. At least I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel and one of these days it will just click with her.
Vanessa | November 11th, 2008 at 10:27 pm
The other day, a friend’s preschooler was hitting my daughter. She said to him, “No, no, honey. We don’t hit. Okay, sweetheart?” Excuse me, what? She said this FOUR TIMES. Think it worked? Heck, no. Finally, I said, (firmly) “No. You don’t hit. That is NOT okay.” And he stopped. Funny how that is.
There are certain things that children do NOT get to have a choice/voice in. Sometimes, parents need to be parents and lay down the law.
Robyn | November 11th, 2008 at 10:27 pm
Robyn, you are right. From what I’ve seen, it’s usually parents of “only children” who let their kids get away with hitting. I have two kids so my concern is not only to teach A not to hit, but to teach E that I don’t allow people to hurt her. I often read about kids who bite repeatedly and such; and they usually show a great deal of patience with such kids because they don’t want to teach their kids that “violence” (including corporal punishment) is OK. But I’m thinking, what is the kid on the receiving end learning? That biting is OK? Hmm. I realize my view is in the minority these days.
SKL | November 12th, 2008 at 12:36 am
we started using the naughty spot last week on our 16 month old. It is starting to sink in and work. My husband seemed to expect immediate results, though. As if one week of naughty spot was going to transform him into a perfect angel. He said that he will keep doing it but thinks that because he is still misbehaving that it may not work. I, however, have noticed a huge improvement with his listening skills.
Oceans Mom | January 6th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
I am so paranoid about this! My daughter is only 10 months old and she is very sweet and gentle 90% of the time. Sometimes, however, she can be a little rough (pulling hair) or loud (screaming or squeeling). When she does these things, I tell her no and make her sit down on the floor (not as a time out or anything, I just make her sit down for a second). Is she getting it? I’m a being too rough on her when she is so young? When should I start disciplining her? Is this too early? HELP! lol!
Cherie: Pregnancy Writer | June 22nd, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Cherie : at 10 months I would be saying “no” as I redirected her activity to something else. If you use it consistently, she’ll connect that word as having meaning.
My daughter was just over a year the 1st time I saw her hesitate when I said “no”. Then I knew she understood the meaning of the word.
My favorite incident to date (chronicled in the baby book it was so funny), she was under 2. We said, “if you play with the drapes again, it will be nap time.” She looked directly at us, and touched the drapes. As I carried her upstairs she said a new word; Mistake! Mistake!
Mich | June 24th, 2009 at 9:12 pm
A friend of mine who is expecting her 2nd is always complaining about her 2 year old son’s behavior. She said he spits at her, throws his shoes, anything he can get his hands on. He does this at home, in the car, anywhere. The other day they were shopping and he started this, and at the checkout, he told the cashier to “go away” when she said hello to him and kept on with throwing items out of the cart. My friend commented to me that she likes when her husband is home from work because she knows her son “won’t mess with” her “as much”. Seriously? Who’s in charge? I would have taken him immediately out of the store and gone home, forget the shopping. I would use the naughty corner, and get down to him face to face and show who’s in control…she sounds like she’s scared of him! It’s hard to give advice without overstepping, though…she’s pretty sensitive, but I think she needs help, big time!
SAMSMOM1 | July 23rd, 2009 at 9:09 pm
I love your #5!!! We do naughty corner AKA “timeout” and now that my daughter is 2 and can understand - timeout doesn’t begin while she’s still screaming or slamming the cabinet next the to stool. Sometimes I worry that raising a smart kid (I think we all think our kids are smart too!) is going to be more than I can handle but being consistant definately helps!
Kudos on your blog entry! I love the “screw em’ too. My mother in law and sister in law are really into spoiling and compromising with my daughter way too much. I had to close the door the other day when they were over and she was cutting up because I don’t think they can take my brand of discipline!
Jennifer Ponder | August 4th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
to SKL: that was a sterotype comment, if I have ever heard one. really? Really! it is singlets who are hitting? excuse me? what planet are you from. What a closed minded judgemental comment!
SKL: “it’s usually parents of “only children” who let their kids get away with hitting.”
So if your logic is correct than wouldnt every oldest child be a hitter or biter? since once in theirs and their parents lifetime they were an “only child”
you must be that woman in the grocery store with the evil eye on everyone else and their children no matter what discipline method they are using.
Babs | September 21st, 2009 at 8:56 pm