By Danny of Dad Gone Mad

(The content in this post may not be for the faint at heart.  Read at your own risk.)

I suppose we should start with the obvious: I’m a sexy bitch.

I know this to be true because there’s this smokin’ hot blonde (a MILF if there ever was one) who likes to have sex with me up to three times per month – sometimes even on days when I haven’t done anything heroic like fold the laundry or empty the dishwasher or floss. It’s a simple formula really: if you’re married and you have sex for no good reason, you’re a sexy bitch. This stands in stark contrast to the typical nature of things, which my ugly friends tell me is that married people don’t have sex unless they’re attempting to procreate or engaging in their annual, strictly missionary “maintenance sex,” initiated just to see if they remember how to do it.

I was contacted a few weeks ago by a representative of Work It, Mom (“We like dads, too!” she said) (she didn’t specifically mention sexy bitch dads, but that was pretty much a given) and asked if I’d be interested in contributing a piece explaining, “How to have a sex life when you have kids.”

“There isn’t much to explain,” I said, dumbfounded and slightly perturbed by the fact that the email showed up right in the middle of another private session with the aforementioned spectacular blonde. “You’re either a sexy bitch or you’re not.”

(For those of you playing along at home, the blonde is my wife. It’s all legal and approved by a rabbi.) (And if anyone knows about sex, it’s rabbis.) (Not rabbits. Rabbis.)

I realized that the request was actually a philanthropic opportunity for me. Rich people give money to help those in need, right? Well, I’m rich in sexiness, so why can’t I give sex (not actual sex, but tricks of the sexy bitch trade and whatnot) (and by “tricks” I don’t mean to imply prostitution) (unless you find that hot) (in which case I’m calling the cops) to help those less gorgeous and desirable than me? So let me just say this before we get started: you’re welcome.

A Sexy Bitch’s Advice on How To Be a Sexy Bitch Because Sexy Bitches Get More…You Know…

1. Resign yourself to the fact that sometimes you might have to be a crappy parent in order to get some action.

A married couple’s default approach to sex is to wait until the kids are asleep. But by then it’s probably after 9:00 or so and CSI: Applebees is on and someone has to make the kids’ lunches for the next day. See where I’m going with this? It ain’t gonna happen, and not having sex is not a good way to become a sexy bitch.

If your bedroom door has a lock on the knob, you’re well on your way to prime time action. Don’t be afraid to rely on the crutches of parenting in the new century: Disney videos, Benadryl, Nintendo, and so on. Put away the sharp knives, set the kids down in front of something shiny, and lock yourself in your bedroom with your beloved. Make time for you. And in the inevitable event that one of your spawn comes a’knocking on the door to ask for a Pop-Tart or a glass of Sunny D, take a hard line with him. “No! Shut up! Go to bed!”

2. Put your faith (and pictures of yourself looking saucy) in the Internet.

Modern technology is the Viagra of sexy bitches. I mean, sexual spontaneity is nice and all, but how realistic is that after a long day of work, cooking, cleaning, bathing the kids and finally wrestling them into bed. A smarter, sexier course of action is to verbally and visually flirt with your spouse throughout the day using the miracles of instant messaging, cell phone cameras and sundry other gadgets. It might take all day before you can finally lay your hands on your spouse, but it takes only 30 seconds to lock yourself in the bathroom, snap a photo of yourself with your cell phone, and send it to him while he’s in the middle of a sales meeting.

Instant messaging can be just as salacious. (I had a great example of a conversation between my wife and I, but it didn’t make it past the first round of editing.)

3. Push your boundaries.

For many married couples, sex becomes a rote, predictable, rehearsed procession of low-impact positions and boilerplate sexual banter. After seven years or so, you have a pretty bulletproof idea of what your partner will do and when he or she will do it. Obviously, these are not sexual behaviors becoming of a sexy bitch. Not by a mile.

Take it from me: nothing spices up a sex life quite as explosively as taking things a step or two past your comfort zone. Does that make you nervous? Don’t worry. No one’s advising you to do something disgusting and antisocial. We’re talking about baby steps. If you’re prone to the boring, lustless sex familiar to so many married parents, take a risk. Take a stroll through a sex shop. Watch 60 Minutes with no clothes on. You’ll be pleasantly surprised at just what a turn-on it can be to feel naughty. (You may also be surprised, but not pleasantly, at how hot Mike Wallace can make you if you’re in the right frame of mind. Rrrrrowrr.)

Follow these simple steps and you’ll be a sexy bitch in no time.

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