Single Mom at Work
with Karli Larson
The transition from stay-at-home mom to divorced-and-working-full-time mom can be challenging, and sometimes very lonely. Throw in a few cats, an ancient dog and one very brave boyfriend, and life gets downright crazy. Join me as I talk through my thoughts and struggles, my miscalculations and my triumphs. We're in this together, you and I.
When I'm not writing here you can find me over at work on the TisBest Philanthropy blog.
Telling the boss you’re going to be a Single Mom
Categories: Best Practices, Colleagues and Comrades, Fighting the Stereotype, Tentative Steps
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I didn’t know much about business etiquette in the face of major personal trauma.
During my previous tenures with blue chip, Fortune 500 companies, I’d maintained a friendly but distant relationship with my various management teams. They knew I liked to snowboard on weekends, but didn’t know whether I had a boyfriend. They knew I could construct a killer presentation, but I didn’t ever share personal details of my home situation or my personal fears that I didn’t actually know what the hell I was doing in front of that projector. I cultivated friendships almost exclusively outside the office, or let just one or two trusted confidantes know the insides of my non-professional persona. I really believed that my insistence on maintaining a firm line between personal and business at the office was a hallmark of my career success to date, and I didn’t think I’d ever stir that pot.
But a year and a half ago, things changed. My partner walked out of my life and I felt perilously close to disintegration. A year before, I’d resigned from my job in radio ad sales to scope out a work-from-home sales career. Amazingly, it had panned out and, I was able to find a job with the same salary that allowed me to work exclusively from home, with the occasional foray to New York or San Francisco for business trips. I felt endlessly grateful to my new employer, who took a gamble and trusted my potential and capability to perform for them from an unseen, faraway office.
At the time my relationship atom-bombed my heart, I was a fairly new employee. My bosses — three kick-ass, amazingly entrepreneurial and razor-sharp women — knew I could sell ad space, but had no idea what was going on in my personal life. It didn’t help much that I worked almost exclusively out of my home office, thousands of kilometers away from them. I didn’t want to tell them about my personal woes, of course — but I knew I wasn’t performing at my usual tip-top level, I knew my voice wavered suddenly in otherwise normal conversations, and there were times I had to go to my lawyer’s office for two hours on a Wednesday afternoon. I needed to explain.
I still have the email I sent in my gmail box, because our company was too new to have a shared server then. I probably should have placed a phone call, but I didn’t trust my voice not to crack, and I have always been more succinct with the written word, anyway.
I explained that I needed to share the details of my current situation due to its potential to spillover into my professional life. I wrote that I wished we could have this conversation over coffee in shared office space — and I reiterated my firm commitment to the company and to my career, noting that I knew this was a blip on the radar of my life. Then I held my breath and blinked back terrified tears, pressed send and wondered if that very personal email was the biggest career mistake I ever made.
It wasn’t. The reply email from the CEO of the company came within minutes. She noted that she had been through this, that she very much appreciated my candor, that it was important to let the right people know at the organization. And then she asked “Permission to send a book you may find helpful?”
“Yes, please,”I wrote back, relieved and grateful and completely newly inspired with loyalty for the little startup that had been so good to me.
She sent me a copy of Cutting Loose: Why Women Who End their Marriages Do So Well, by Ashton Applewhite. It is the single most empowering, inspiring book I’ve ever read on the newly single woman. And it helped me through some extremely dark days.
In my instance, telling the boss of my separation was the best thing I could have done. It relieved the guilt I felt at handling the necessary grunt work of a separation, it made occasional tears and occasional stupid mistakes OK.
Single working Mamas, I’m interested to know: did you tell the boss about your situation? If so, how did he or she handle it?
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When I was two months pregnant, I was hired for a new position. The second after I was offered the position I told her I was expecting, and she turned pale white…since the position was mine, she couldn’t renig. I felt a bit guilty, but only because I knew I would be taking maternity leave less than a year after starting a new position. Needless to say, I have found a new employer who embraces expanding your family, and are extremely supportive of me being a single, working mother
Miz | June 9th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Well, Kristin, I can’t comment on bringing this specific information to a boss, but on bringing personal trauma, yes.
So personal I won’t even mention what it is. But, I told my boss and he is a kind man and it went very much to my advantage.
In general, sharing your personal life at work is very risky, as we all know I’m sure. But, like my situation at that time, sometimes there is no way to prevent the personal situation from spilling over to work.
I agree completely.
Jessica | June 9th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Bravo! Well done. When I told my boss about my pending divorce I got met with silence. I felt he was not supportive in the least. If anything I felt he held it against me.
In the end I lost the job due to a variety of factors. But the two biggest were the job was not a perfect fit and I was burned out big time due to my becoming a single mom. As scary as being unemployed has been it was the best thing that has happened to get past the drama and get focused again.
Terri | June 9th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
I am lucky enough to have a boss with a little girl my daughter’s age. Although she’s not single, she is very understanding. I don’t want to say sympathetic, but sort of a “how are you managing to do this on your own” type of reaction. I’m one of the lucky ones I guess. I know from past experience that alot of employers are not that empathetic. I was actually fired by a very good friend of mine from a previous job I was at for a long time when I came out with the fact that I was 3 months pregnant. I have to say though, that it was the best thing that ever happened to me. It opened the door to a company that is very supportive and flexible with my situation.
Miranda | June 9th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
When I was going through my divorce, I probably told my coworkers and superiors more than they needed to know, which wasn’t such good judgment; but like you, I recognized the likelihood that the personal issues would spill over and affect my work life, so I thought they needed to be aware of the situation. I was lucky to be in a great, supportive work environment at the time.
Florinda | June 9th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
I became a single mom through adoption. I should start by saying my employer has a history of discriminating against women, and particularly mothers. So I didn’t tell anyone about my adoption until a few months before I hoped to bring the babies home. There were no congratulations or questions about the kids and certainly no sympathy for the new demands on my time and emotions; only concerns about whether I was going to keep up my heavy schedule and be available for work during my maternity leave. Suddenly things that had never been a problem for the past 12 years became “issues” for my career, etc. My rating went down (though nothing about my performance had changed yet) and my compensation adjustment clearly reflected the fact that I had been “mommified.” I was not sorry to leave shortly after I took all the paid leave and benefits I was entitled to.
SKL | June 9th, 2008 at 11:17 pm
Hi SKL — nice to see you here. And — I never knew your story, and I’m glad to hear it. Hope you keep coming back.
Kristin D | June 10th, 2008 at 1:03 am
Kristin, I was happy to have found you online again too.
SKL | June 10th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
First Kristin and others, I’m joining this website because this post. When I saw the title, my mouth dropped and I rushed to print. Close to two months ago I had to clue my boss (mom with twin daughters) in on why she felt “distant” from me. I’ve been on my job for almost 2 years and she and I work closely on projects and communications for a large, urban, state research university. I’m not exactly real personal with her but we know details about each other and our kids (I have two boys ages 5 and 2). Leading up to my confession, she and I had conversations regarding work and logistics, blah, blah, blah. I’m sure I was professional and forthcoming with information, but since my ex-husband and I started on the divorce route, I haven’t exactly been bubbly or refreshing or comfortable with anyone. So on this particular day, she asked again if anything was wrong, that she felt distant from me, to which I blurted out, “my husband moved his stuff this weekend and we are going for a divorce,” as we walked across the street from one building to another. I felt relieved to tell her but I probably should have done it differently. Relief because I no longer had to pretend or put on a big bubbly smile when I felt awful and emotional drained. Her immediate response was sympathy and that I could take as much time I needed to sort things out. I told her I would have different meetings and that I needed days off around Memorial holiday b/c I had to move a 5-bedroom house into a 3-bedroom house with two boys. Coming up on the two month mark, she’s been handling me with kitten gloves. She’s doing more communications and directives through emails and not sticking her head in my cubicle as much. It’s the summer so most people are in and out anyway, but it’s real obvious that she’s not as close to me now than before my pending divorce. For our personal relationship I don’t know if it’s a good/bad thing. She mentioned she had friends who were divorced and watched their transition. Regarding our professional relationship, I still have a ton of work and pending projects so I don’t think I’ve lost out on anything at work (except for insignificant meetings that were a waste of time anyway!).
There have been a couple of days which I arrived at work and could not keep my emotions together. I’ve left after lunch or did not come in at all. I’ve tried to schedule lawyers and counselors during the work day because I haven’t gotten use to the idea of using a baby-sitter in the evenings. I’m extremely thankful that I have sick and vacation time available for such meetings and that my office hours are flexible enough to take off when I need. Now that I’m actually in the transition to single life as a mom, it’s much harder than I imagined. I’m learning to separate my emotions from the business of the legal divorce and that once it’s all over, I’ll have a much better grip on my new identity as a single mom.
Susan Hill | June 19th, 2008 at 1:47 pm