Single Mom at Work
with Jennifer Mattern
Feeling singled out? Get singled in with me: single mom, two kids, zero disposable income. Sometimes, life just sidles off in your preferred direction without you, and it takes a while to wrench your heel out of the sewer grate and catch up. Let's talk, sistas.
Find out more about my street cred at Breed 'Em and Weep.
Independent Single Mom: a Dichotomy?
Categories: Best Practices, Business tripping, Fighting the Stereotype, Missing Parent
It’s 4:37 AM and the streets are pitch black, the birds silent and the house completely still. I’ve blow dried my hair and guzzled my third cup of coffee, vainly hoping that the caffeine will shoot up into my face and do something about those godforsaken black bags, hanging limply underneath my eyes like old-lady stockings.
At 4:47 AM, there is a quiet, purposeful knock at the front door and I tiptoe down in my bare feet to get it. My Mom stands there, immaculately coiffed as always. The fact that she only got three hours sleep is only evident underneath her eyes: her sacks match mine.
“Hi. Thank you, Mom,” I say, and I am wracked with guilt again, as always.”He went to bed late, so hopefully he’ll sleep in till at least six — I put some pillows on the couch and the coffee’s on. Can you rest?”
I have my laptop, my business cards, my small box of schwag for potential customers. I slip on my Serious Business heels and slip my trusty black ballet flats in my purse and check one last time for my passport.
“We’ll be good,”my mom insists,”He’s a joy, don’t worry, I’ll email you and let you know how our day goes. You’ll have your Blackberry?”
I nod and slip out the door into the silent almost-morning, and watch as my Mom sits in front of the TV. She won’t sleep, I know.
I climb into the Jeep, making sure I have enough gas to the airport; I turn on the freaky alien and doomsday early-morning radio show to which I am inexplicably addicted. And I think.
I profess to be an almost fanatically independent single Mom to anyone who dares to ask. I work long hours and am able to provide food, shelter, and all basic necessities for my little family. I even have enough for an education fund for my son, money for a long weekend away if we feel up to it. I shop at Whole Foods on occasion. I have a couple pairs of way-too-expensive jeans. Nolan has a scooter, a bike, and hockey lessons.
But the fact is, I’m not completely independent. Most jobs that pay decently — at least, enough to support a family — will require either a high degree of stress or fairly frequent travel. My job has a bit of both, and though I have sold in Corporate America long enough to know can handle either, I also understand I couldn’t hold this position without my parents.
Rather than staying the night in LA, San Francisco, and other parts of my territory, I do day trips, meaning I fly out by 6 AM and return close to midnight. During each one of those trips, my Mom helps. She either gets my son to daycare or feeds him spaghetti at her house while they wait for me to come back. Without her, I’d most definitely be relegated to a lower-paying career, and my guilt levels around that are borderline extreme.
Because I rely on my parents so much to help me, I feel I owe them a lot of my life. I’m a 33-year-old woman, and yet I consult them on more than is probably healthy. I’m loath to tell them about any semblance of a dating life because I’m sure they would disapprove. I feel like I’ve dragged them through a fairly horrific separation, and now I rely on them to keep my job. I can’t help thinking that the payback currency is their approval of the way I Mother.
I didn’t care about their approval when I was 23; the difference is now, I need it. I couldn’t do it without them; I wouldn’t even want to try.
Single Moms: do you rely on your parents at all? I sometimes wonder if I’m instigating an unhealthy imbalance.
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Unfortunately, my parents haven’t been the most supportive of my small family as of late. They have been caught up with their own lives too much to dedicate time to myself or my little man.
I strongly feel your parents are a positive role for your small family right now (from what you have written). Although it may not have always been this way, it is very comforting to know that people our age have parents who willingly help us out in times of need.
Miz | June 30th, 2008 at 8:19 am
I’m not a single mom, but my husband works away from home 1/2 the year. During that time I function as a single parent. I do depend on family to care for my kids. I work outside the home - an hour away - and if my in-laws didn’t care for my kids some days, they wouldn’t make it to dance, baseball, etc. I depend on them more than I like, but you do what you have to do.
Melanie | June 30th, 2008 at 8:33 am
My parents actually moved to be closer to my sister and my nephew. This was after my dad lived with them off and on for about 3 months after my sister had to fire her nanny for not adequately supervising my nephew when he was with his dad (the idiot took him out for a walk and pulled the legs of his onesie up so he could get some sun. He got 2nd degree burns). She absolutely could not do it without my parents.
But, like your mom said, “He’s a joy.” They wouldn’t have it any other way. Luckily, they stay out of the parts of my sister’s life they need to stay out of. And no one would be happier for her to find love than the two of them.
Mandee | June 30th, 2008 at 8:58 am
Your son is a very lucky little man to have a grandma so close. Forget the guilt and approval. He will have lasting memories of his grandparents. I spent alot of my childhood at grandma’s and I cherish those memories.
Unfortunately, you are right about the career choice. Both of my parents are deceased and the other grandparents live far away. I am sure my career would be different if I didn’t have to rely on daycare.
Terri | June 30th, 2008 at 10:16 am
My parents are extremely supportive of me and my sister. I’m still struggling to support myself so my mother pays my cell phone bill. I hate that I still have to rely on them but I truly appreciate their help.
My sister was involved in an abusive marriage but had trouble leaving her husband. Then, her husband left her and their three children. Because they were not divorced, only seperated, he did not have to pay child support. She had been a stay at home mom for the past 10 years and couldn’t get a job. She was completely penniless and couldn’t buy food for her family. She could not leave the state with her children to be close to us without her husband’s permission.
My dad moved up there for about 8 months to provide free childcare while she job searched and finally got a sales job. He was also there to keep the pantry stocked and protect my sister from her crazy husband. He wanted to make sure she was safe and could save some money.
It took my sister three years to finally be granted a divorce and be free. She became financially stable and landed a new, much better, husband and job.
As much as you might want to be strong, it’s always good to know you have family support. If my parents hadn’t been there for my sister, she may not have ever had the ability to escape. There are far worse things than needing help from family.
Cheryl | June 30th, 2008 at 10:28 am
Constantly! They’re great and I think it’s important for our kids to spend one-on-one time with their grandparents.
I’m also sure your mother thoroughly enjoys spending time with her little grandson - “he’s a joy.”
Who better to leave him with?
tash | June 30th, 2008 at 10:34 am
Yes! My dad asks for the opportunity to babysit my little girls. I have only had him do so twice so far, because I do not want to impose - both of my parents have health issues and they live over an hour away.
This is so important for all of us. For bonding, and also because my dad is my girls’ only male role model right now.
I have a nanny who would fill in if I didn’t have my dad, so I won’t say that I “couldn’t” do it without my parents, but the opportunity for them to be intimately involved in the girl’s lives is priceless. I am so thankful that my dad is willing. I know it is not easy for him.
SKL | June 30th, 2008 at 11:52 am
My husband works away a lot, and I wish that I had help from my parents and in-laws. My mother lives an hour away, but what I wouldn’t give for her to say can I take the two kids for the night! They love my kids, but seem to like them only in small doses.
Marcie | June 30th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
I don’t think it’s unhealthy… You’re not asking your mom to do things you should be doing yourself while you go off and eat bonbons, she’s helping you by doing what your partner or childcare giver would be doing while you’re out winning the bread. Your little boy is going to benefit from the extra time with your mom — this is a good thing!
Lylah | June 30th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
I am not a single mom and I rely in my parents in a huge way. Not necessarily for actual help with taking care of our daughter — they work a lot, so help out once a week, for a few hours. But I consult them all the time, on all issues from our daughter’s school choices to what color I should paint a new living room. I am sure some of my friends think it’s unhealthy and I think there is an aspect there of it being too close, too prone to get into each other’s business…. but I don’t know how to do it any other way.
I am an only child and we’re immigrants — I think being close to my parents, weaving them into my life this way is the only way I can survive. But I do feel guilty often, like when I call crying because I lost a job or something is not going well at work or we lost a house we were hoping to buy — I feel like a little girl and I feel like I am bugging them.
Recently we had a bout of these incidents and then I sent a note to my dad to say ugh, sorry to bug you so much. He emailed me back to say that I was an idiot, that the fact that his daughter needs him this way is the greatest thing in his life….
Nataly | June 30th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
I think you should probably just be grateful that your parents are willing and available to help. I am estranged from my mother, my father lives an hour and a half away, and my ex-in-laws, while very helpful, lived four hours away. I rely on friends and before- and after-school care to help me look after my children when I need help. And even then I have to rush out of work at 5:00pm every night to make sure I get to care in time to pick them up. Which then makes me feel guilty about that, on top of the guilt I feel that they’re in care 4 afternoons a week. Despite the fact that they love it, they have friends there, they do all kinds of cool things and and eat healthy delicious food. Still, I feel guilty.
I think that rather than thinking “oh god I’m so guilty relying on my parents/offloading my son to somebody else”, just think “I’ve got the best possible situation here” - plus think what a good role model you are for him. A woman can hold down an important job! And he’s probably having an absolute hoot with Grandma.
SydneyGal | June 30th, 2008 at 8:08 pm
SydneyGal, I am grateful, exceedingly so. There’s just a wee bit o guilt mixed in there, because I wish I didn’t have to rely on anyone.
All, it’s intriguing to read your perspectives. Thank you for sharing little snippets of your circumstance.
Kristin D | July 1st, 2008 at 12:54 am
Love this post!
Wow, your mom is an amazing support. I think that family structures have changed so much in the past two decades — your family is symbolic of this.
I really understand the guilt, and the super-power drive to be the Best Mother, esp. in your parents’ eyes. (I was terrified to show my Dad my online profile for Match.com, but I wanted to be open with him. He said, “I think you got yourself right.” He was cheering me on.)
Yes, my Dad is Mr. Support.
I wrote about him at Work It Mom recently:
http://www.workitmom.com/article-4032-single_mom_seeking_support
Single Mom Seeking | July 1st, 2008 at 12:21 pm
My parents are separated. My mom helped me out when my daughter was a newborn, but has since become very judgemental….too judgemental in my opinion(not to mention overbearing), considering the kind of parent she was/is. So much so that I was fled the state she lives in to start a life for me and my daughter based on what I FEEL IS RIGHT. My dad and I don’t talk that much. He just agreed to be called grandpa on my daughter’s second birthday(which was last week! Boy does time fly!!) Just in my own personal circumstance I find a helluva lot more peace of mind and comfort in my single parent friends, as well as in the ‘blogosphere’. It’s a lot easier to get reassurance and support from people who know where your coming from and are here to voice their opinions and experiences, but don’t have any desire to control your life…that may sounds weird but if you knew my parents you’d understand.
Miranda | July 1st, 2008 at 12:21 pm
I have relied on my parents for help with the kids for big things like when I was in the hospital for surgery. But other than that I don’t ask them for much although they do offer their assistance as much as they can considering they have their own busy lives and careers. My dad also lives several hours away so his availability is extra limited. I am more likely to do kid swaps with neighbors and my sister meaning that when I need help with kids, they take mine and I take theirs when they need help. That seems to work the best because it keeps the kids closer to home (and ultimately school) and they get to spend time with their friends or cousins (bonus!).
KathyHowe | July 1st, 2008 at 3:54 pm
I am a single mom also and my mom is my biggest help. She has helped me tremendously ! I have started a new job and my hours are different than before. She takes care of my son until I get off work. She is truly a blessing. My son has the best relationship with my mom. I am so happy that they are close. My mom gives me the best advice for my son but she still allows me to be his mom.
Kim | July 1st, 2008 at 9:01 pm
As a single mom of three, I have relied on my mom and my siblings quite a bit through the years. My kids don’t have a relationship with their father’s family, so mine is all they have. They know that their grandmother and aunts and uncles look out for them and treat them like their own. It is more out of necessity (like when I’m trying to be in 3 places at once) or to make sure my kids get some special one-on-one time if needed.
BlapherMJ | July 1st, 2008 at 9:27 pm
I live hours from any family. My ex-wife and I have joint custody of our kids, so when I really need help, I rely on her (and she relies on me). She’ll even bring me chicken soup when I’m sick. Otherwise, we keep to ourselves.
She has family in the area who help her a lot. I don’t mind the imbalance - I work my butt off when the kids are with her, and I focus on the kids when they are with me. Plus, I work from home, so my kids can swing by EVERY day after school. That part is priceless. (I’m lucky that I don’t have to travel - that’s tough!)
dadshouse | July 2nd, 2008 at 1:13 am
I really enjoyed reading this. I’m married but still rely on my parents a LOT: with five children, I don’t think I could find or afford a regular sitter. I feel a similar struggle: how to PAY THEM BACK somehow, when there really is no way to do so?
swistle | July 2nd, 2008 at 9:44 am
Wow! I feel I could have written your post myself. I too am a single mom to a little boy and I travel quite frequently. Like you, I rely mostly on my mom to take care of my son when I am away. She is a godsend! It doesn’t seem like you are relying on your mom too much. Who better to take care of your boy when you are away. The relationship that they are establishing together will likely be an important influence on the rest of your son’s life.
Stephanie Pfister | July 2nd, 2008 at 3:37 pm
i must say i was reading your post and i thought oh my goodness i’ve met my long lost twin. i, too, am 33 and my mom just moved from our hometown where she lived all 65 years of her life to my town. why? so that i could take a higher paying job. i do feel blessed to have her here. however, since i’ve only been at my job less than a month it’s scares me to think… i literally couldn’t do my job without her. at the end of the day, i know she loves helping and i appreciate her presence. it’s great to have my mom so close and my son absolutely adores her.
michelle | July 3rd, 2008 at 8:53 pm
I’m glad to hear there are others who rely a lot on their parents. My son is 4 months old, and my parents have been incredibly supportive ever since I discovered I was unexpectantly pregnant. Because of their unwavering support, I do feel the least I can do is accept some of the advice they offer. At times, I’ve found I was letting them make decisions for me because I didn’t feel strong enough to make it myself, but that is starting to change now as I am feeling more independent and comfortable in my single mom role. However, I have never appreciated my parents as much as I do now, and am pleased I am as close to them now as I have ever been.
Nicole | August 2nd, 2008 at 11:34 pm
I am in the same situation. being an anesthesiologist its not easy for me and my 6 year old son. Im a single mother and i relay in my mom and my siblings to take care of my son. I know that my family takes care of my son in the best way, but i cant help feel guilt because i cant have him with me, I have appreciated my family as much as i do now, we are very close and i know my son its in good hands wich its good knowing that i spent the entire day at the local hospital, taking care of others in the OR.
corina | August 10th, 2008 at 8:53 am
I completely understand. I have a 1 yr old son and we both live with my parents. I travel often for work, so I rely on my parents. They do not pay for anything, but when I am running short of money they help me with groceries. Without their support, I do not know where my son and I would be. They are truly a blessing, and it’s not unhealthy. Everyone needs help and not everyone has a family that can or is willing to help. See it as a blessing from God.
V | August 15th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
My parents are gone…so I do raise my son all alone. Totally independent.
I wish they were here, though.
Kathy | August 15th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
Remember that Grandparents love to spend all the time that they can with their grandchildren. There is no need to feel guilty about that. There is also no need to feel guilty about anything you are doing. Drop the expectations and ideals. You are doing more than great!
Kim | August 19th, 2008 at 11:50 pm
Well I am not a single mom, but we need both incomes and without my mom not only would I already lost the little mind I have left I would not be able to go back to work due to my husband’s schedule. AAAAh life with debt…talk about guilt.
Cassi | September 21st, 2008 at 8:01 am
I am not technically a “single” mom but I certainly do feel like one. My husband works the night shift at Waffle House and I sleep alone four nights a week. Then when he gets home at 7 or 8 am, he goes into the other room and sleeps ALL DAY. He goes to work at 9pm and sleeps in the other room until 5 or 6pm. So i am pretty much alone most days, raising our baby girl by myself. I know he is tired but I feel he could do more. My parents wont help me out because they hate him because he is poor. My mom is totally flaky the few times I can get her to help out. She cancles plans or changes the time a lot! If she does show up at all it is 4 hours later than she said and if I don’t say thanks soooo much even though she was late as hell, she leaves in a rage.
We are broke since now. I used to have some money and now have none since I married my husband. I love him alot but I wish he would help out more. I feel like I am a single mom. Its RIDICULOUS.
Jessica | October 29th, 2008 at 9:36 am
My father passed away 9 years ago, long before I became a single mom and my mother lives nearly 2 hours a day (and is usually emotionally unavailable).
It’s hard.
But I have one single mom girlfriend - we exchange baby sitting often. I also don’t have to travel for my job. I’m very, very lucky. It pays well and my bosses are flexible with my schedule if Benjamin is sick, etc.
But, I do feel - like you - a bit trapped. Need to provide and provide well solo but hate the long hours and the stress of working in a demanding job.
I have plans though to downgrade. I’ll keep you posted.
Thanks for this Kristin. And take that help - they love you - they probably wouldn’t have it any other way. And they get to spend so much time with their grandson.
Ms. Single Mama | December 12th, 2008 at 9:55 am