Single Mom at Work
with Karli Larson
The transition from stay-at-home mom to divorced-and-working-full-time mom can be challenging, and sometimes very lonely. Throw in a few cats, an ancient dog and one very brave boyfriend, and life gets downright crazy. Join me as I talk through my thoughts and struggles, my miscalculations and my triumphs. We're in this together, you and I.
When I'm not writing here you can find me over at work on the TisBest Philanthropy blog.
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We’re sitting on a rooftop patio in a chic section of downtown, the ocean breeze rummaging through our hair, the sun setting on the mountains. My son is at home with his beloved Unky, undoubtedly in his underwear, glorying in doing Guy Stuff: eating popcorn and watching Shrek for the seven hundred billionth time.
We’ve just finished eating a vast array of sushi, my dinner date and I, and as I finish the last of my water, our waiter drops off the billfold and tells us to have a good night.
“Thank you,”I say, and reach automatically for the bill.
I almost always reach for the check when I’m at dinner with a friend; it’s a leftover habit from the days when I was the primary (rather than the sole) breadwinner, and it’s hardened with the independence grown of two years self-sustainment.
My date hesitates and looks at me and I say quickly,”You can get it next time,” because I know he is kind of uncomfortable with my crazed insistence on paying. I’m uncomfortable with it, really, I wish I didn’t feel so compelled to take care of myself and everyone else because in all honesty, I’m often just making ends meet.
But I also have this deep seated fear that if I accept someone paying for me, buying me something - I will owe them something back. And I really don’t want to owe anyone anything.
“You’ll really let me get it next time, then?”he asks as our waiter silently slips back to take my credit card.
“I promise,”I say, and I’m really going to try. I have the feeling that my fierce insistence on paying is both off-putting and a little unneccessary. I’ve been feeling lately that it’s time to put myself out there a little more, take risks, pay attention to the magnet on my fridge that instructs: “Do One Thing Every Day That Terrifies You.”
OK, Dinner Date. Tonight pizza’s on you.
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Its nice to know I am not the only one out there that feels compelled to do the same thing! It took a whole lot of getting used to for me to let my boyfriend pay for things, and even know I have to fight the urge to do it!
Becca | July 25th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
I can relate to this completely. I am also a self sustainer of my mini family for over 2 years now, in addition to being an extremely independent person by nature as it is.
Of the few dates I’ve been on it is very difficult for me to allow another person to pay my way. I totally understand the feeling that you will then ‘owe’ the other person…but you know what? I don’t think it’s a bad thing, at least for me.
Taking turns makes you even.
The more I evaluate this tendancy in me the more I realize that it’s based in the need to have an equal partnership if I were to ever get serious with someone. I don’t want to be taken care of. I want to be in a mutually beneficial relationship in which we rely on one another. A team.
Maybe in some weird subconscious way, switching off on who pays is my simplistic and back assward way of planting that seed and putting that general idea out there…
on the flip side, I have also found a lot of guys are put off by this, and don’t know how to take it.
It’s frustrating, but nobody said being a single working mama trying to date was gonna be easy. I’d be interested in some advice on this issue myself. Good Luck!
Miranda | July 25th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
You’re right-it is hard to not automatically reach for the check since I’m the one who always pays when I’m out with my kids. I have learned though, that men want to treat a woman like a lady and picking up the tab is part of that.
I think that not allowing men to treat you like a lady is why so men these day are afraid to do so.
Dede | July 26th, 2008 at 9:19 pm
I think taking turns solves the problem - you take turns owing and paying off, until you get to a higher level of comfort with whatever will work long term.
Personally I get put off by guys who are quite comfortable with me paying more than half the time. I feel like, why don’t you have any self-respect? What else are you going to let me finance on my own throughout life (if it goes that far)? But I’m also put off by guys who insist on paying nearly all the time - unless there is some offset, such as the fact that I drove 300 miles to his place.
I just do what feels right to me, which is, let them pay the 1st time if they want to, but tell them I’ll pay next time. Then if they give bad vibes when it’s my turn to pay, I don’t answer their calls any more - because if they are that hung up about it, it’s an indicator of other things I don’t need to deal with.
The owing goes beyond dating, of course. I have a friend/colleague who insists on doing for me all kinds of things that I can never reciprocate. Then she won’t let me pay when we go out. She claims I am offending her by acting like her kindnesses created a debt. But, let’s be honest, nobody wants a friend who takes, takes, takes and never gives. We had a somewhat cool conversation on this topic, and now I treat her & her husband when I can, and she doesn’t give me a hard time.
I think it’s worth a friendly chat - preferably before you go out to dinner, so everything is smooth when the waiter comes by.
SKL | July 26th, 2008 at 10:33 pm
I get that “owing” feeling, too. If a friend treats me, I don’t feel settled until I can treat back—and ideally for a little more than she treated me.
swistle | July 27th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
I’m the same way. I don’t know if it’s a self-sufficiency thing or an I-don’t-want-to-owe-anyone thing, but there are definitely times I do it even when I can’t afford it, because the thought of not doing it makes me cringe.
Lylah | July 27th, 2008 at 9:22 pm