Single Mom at Work
with Jennifer Mattern
Feeling singled out? Get singled in with me: single mom, two kids, zero disposable income. Sometimes, life just sidles off in your preferred direction without you, and it takes a while to wrench your heel out of the sewer grate and catch up. Let's talk, sistas.
Find out more about my street cred at Breed 'Em and Weep.
Last week, for the first time in almost 5 years, I took a full week’s vacation.
My son was scheduled to spend the week on an island with his Dad and paternal grandparents. I, though sorry to hug him goodbye, had a lump in my throat and permanent adrenaline coursing through my body. A holiday!
I had a small suitcase packed with two bathing suits and white terry shorts, my iPod and three books, a bottle of perfume, and, perhaps most importantly, no Internet connection. I did bring my Blackberry (I’m an addict, after all) but I only read my urgent email and didn’t respond to a thing: everything could wait till Monday. I had a vacation to inhale.
The destination shifted a few times but the company did not. My vacation companion would be my new friend: a tall, dark man with curly black hair and a quiet manner. We’d only been hanging out for three months, playing that odd furtive get-to-know-you-game. In this case, it had been complicated for my intense desire to keep my son far from any semblance of a romantic life. My feelings were bundled into a fray of exposed electronic wires: nervousness, doubt, giddiness, hesitancy. I continually felt like something was off but I assured myself: of course it feels wrong, this is brand new, senseless territory. Coy romance games suck even more royally when you’re not a naive twenty-something. Go with it, I told myself, go with it.
I went with it. And I regret it.
My travel mate - let’s call him Jekyll- turned out to be a completely different person than the persona I’d concocted for him in my head. My heart, perhaps overly hopeful, had created tenderness out of quiet (it was fury), old-fashioned sweetness out of his firm belief system (it was misogyny) and a decent person out of someone who ended up having some pretty intense anger issues.
I am a little sad to let the hope of new romance go, so quickly — but I am mostly furious at my instinct. After a year of lawyers and tears and crushing heartbreak, I hoped my instinct would have sharpened. I believed that my Bull Meter was razor-honed. Instead, I learned, my instincts are still highly fallible.
I’m glad that I kept my son far away from this relationship with Jekyll and I’m relieved it’s over. And at this point, I feel like I want to give up on the idea of forever love. It’s not sad: it’s just true and I have a million other things to live for and look forward to. Instituting love, sweetness, and tolerance in my own small boy is much more important than finding a large boy for my own.
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xoxoxoxoxo…
sweetsalty kate | August 4th, 2008 at 8:09 am
I think your instinct is fine… you just overruled it a little too soon. See, you were right to keep your little boy away from Jekyll — that was your instinct, too. Trust yourself! And be good to yourself … healing take time, no matter how small the relationship.
Lylah | August 4th, 2008 at 9:41 am
i am with lylah! i was just thinking as i was reading - your instinct was right on! your mental image was what you wanted him to be but your instinct was saying ‘ummm nope!’ the growth is that you ARE learning and seeing the differences between the two. learning to trust your gut has got to be one of the toughest things ever. Always easier to see in others than yourself (guilty)
Kate | August 4th, 2008 at 10:50 am
I am personally a lousy judge of character in the romance department. You have my complete sympathy. However, Yea for you keeping your son away from him!!! I wasn’t so smart about that and my children really took a liking to the last gentleman I dated. He was a principal I thought it would be fine. Ha!! My son still misses him and doesn’t understand why he doesn’t visit us anymore.
Dating post children is soo hard. Good Luck!
have faith and hope. Even if it isn’t forever love you can still enjoy yourself. Maybe make a few friends. Who knows. Ok so I am the cockeyed optimist.
Terri | August 4th, 2008 at 10:50 am
My DH has 5 ex-stepdads, plus a few other men that lived in his house growing up. If it takes a week’s vacation with Mr Wrong to see his true colors, then I consider that a good thing and time well spent. Much better than bringing him into your son’s life and finding out he’s not who you thought. Good for you, handling the dating game with maturity.
ajb | August 4th, 2008 at 11:48 am
I have to admit I’m right with you, Kristin. I am not ready to risk a relationship with two little girls 100% dependent on me, especially since my last ex was like your tall, dark dude. I’d be lying if I said I never think about romance or even talk about it, but right now it just seems like a joke to me, not something I could really try.
I know it works out lots of times and maybe it will for us. But I am not going to put any part of my life on hold while I wait to find out. I am thankful to have a very full life regardless.
SKL | August 4th, 2008 at 6:27 pm
You were wise to wait on having this guy meet your little one. I agree with other readers - your instincts sound right on! Dating post-divorce is complicated. I think it’s great you put your son first and kept him off the roller coaster ride. Don’t be down on yourself - it’s easy to build up hope and expectations with someone new. And kudos to you for taking the plunge on a new adventure! Romantic love is difficult to catch, especially after divorce, but it can happen. Meanwhile, revel in the unconditional love and compassion you give your son.
dadshouse | August 4th, 2008 at 10:54 pm
For me, with two girls under 10, any new guy is going to have to wait 6 months to meet my children, 3 months if it’s reallly amazingly good and he checks out on all levels, including my instincts. And if he can’t understand that, then he’s not the right guy.
In fact, scratch that, unless he’s amazingly good and checks out on all levels he doesn’t get near them. I can risk my heart every second weekend but I’m not risking theirs unless I feel that it’s a long-term thing.
My single mother went completely the other way and I woke up every Saturday and Sunday morning not knowing who I’d find in the kitchen looking for coffee. Trust me, they don’t need to know. You give the guys a really good try-out, make them jump every hoop you can think of before you let them near your child. He deserves that protection.
SydneyGal | August 5th, 2008 at 12:48 am
I’m with Lylah, too! In general, people are really good at keeping their issues at bay… until you go on a vacation together. Or move in together. Or get married.
Your instinct is good darling. Please don’t blame yourself! You’re a great mama. You opened the door, it’s human to want to be loved. Really.
Single Mom Seeking | August 5th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Thanks, all. Really great comments, encouragement and insight. Glad to be in the trenches with so many of you.
Kristin | August 5th, 2008 at 11:28 pm
I agree with the six month rule. The sad truth is you never really know what a person is capable of, but 6 months is a good solid chunk of time to wait and see if any facades will fall.
I think it was really smart of you to wait and keep your little boy away from all that…I mean, it’s hard being a single mom and trying to keep a guy you’re trying to spend time with and get to know away from the most important person in you life.
I give you mad props kristin. You are one to aspire to.
Miranda | August 6th, 2008 at 8:58 am
You did good.
You took a chance, but intelligently, protecting your true heart, your son.
Also, I am so glad that I found you, again! I followed your posts on ParentDish, and stopped reading it shortly after you left. It is a joy to be able to read your again.
Anne | August 6th, 2008 at 5:40 pm