Single Mom at Work
with Karli Larson
The transition from stay-at-home mom to divorced-and-working-full-time mom can be challenging, and sometimes very lonely. Throw in a few cats, an ancient dog and one very brave boyfriend, and life gets downright crazy. Join me as I talk through my thoughts and struggles, my miscalculations and my triumphs. We're in this together, you and I.
When I'm not writing here you can find me over at work on the TisBest Philanthropy blog.
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The crushing pain of the dissolution of a family unit is one of life’s inexplicable mysteries. I don’t think it can be fathomed until experienced first-hand: like labor, like the vice-grip horror of the loss of hope. It’s a death, of sorts: of a family unit, of hope, of the purity of those moments in the hospital with a first born child when you couldn’t imagine anything but the eternity of your overwhelming, deep love. Your little family unit, together forever.
It took me well over a year to be able to get through the day without physically mourning the loss of my son’s father in my daily life. I didn’t let the tears flow in front of my son, or my immediate family who had supported me so unflinchingly during some very heavy days. But at night, when my head hit the pillow in the silence of the night, memories infiltrated and I let tears drop silently, unnoticed, until my pillow was soaked through to the the side. I was pretty sure my heart would never heal.
It’s been close to two years now, since my son’s father moved out, and I am OK now. Mostly.
Sometimes, the weight of what we’ve chosen, what we destroyed, hits me like a punch. At summer barbecues, around young families with babies, I look down, willing away the tangible regret. When I see a young Father with his boy’s hands wrapped around his, my heart seizes up a bit. When I watch Nolan regard other kids with their fathers, I get an awful lump in my throat. I bawled, partly with beauty, partly with envy, and mostly with loss when I watched this video the other day. But mostly things are much better. My ex and I have a working relationship and we both fiercely love our son. We can talk like civilized adults and I can say confidently that we are both striving to be better human beings.
What I didn’t realize, though, is that things get better before they get hard again. Now that my ex and I no longer consistently shatter each other’s hearts, we have a working relationship and do our best to co-parent our son. But there are challenges.
My ex wants to come to my son’s third birthday, for example, and I want him there for my son, too. But what about my parents, their feelings about that? How do I go about cleaning up the shrapnel without going back to square one? My Dad will not want to be in the same room as my ex, and I just wish I could jump into the past and gather up all the strong words, throw them into the abyss.
Inevitably, extended family gets involved in an emotional divorce. And courtesy is owed to them, too. I’m finding it difficult to navigate the precarious line — how do I best meet the needs of my son while respecting my parents and my ex? What I am doing for the time being is trying to understand what would be very best for my son - and making my decisions that way. Inevitably, though, heads will roll. I just hope it doesn’t happen at my son’s 3rd birthday party.
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Kristin…thanks for writing such an honest, heartfelt post. Putting Nolan’s best interests first seems to be the right way to go.
I had a few (imperfect to be sure!) ideas about his party.
1) Can your ex and your Dad take different “shifts” so that they don’t have to run into each other? Your ex comes at the beginning of the party…your Dad comes later?
2) Can you do 2 small parties on 2 different days — say, one with Nolan’s little friends and your ex; the other, with your parents and cousins/family?
3) If it’s affordable, can you hold the party at a Chuck E. Cheese type of public place, where there’s plenty of room for your ex and Dad to have physical distance from each other, if they are there at the same time? Surely two grown men can hold their tongues for a few hours for the sake of the son/grandson they both love?
Jeannie | August 11th, 2008 at 6:45 am
As a grown child of divorce, I’ll share with you my two cents: One of the greatest gifts my parents and grandparents gave me after my parents divorced was the act of being civil and kind to each other, in my presence. This meant that I didn’t have to have two separate graduation parties (they divorced when I was in jr. high), two separate wedding or baby showers, etc.
Kids feel safer when adults get along. If your parents can find a way to be kind to his dad, Nolan will likely love having all of his favorite people in one place to celebrate his big day.
Your words on loss are poignant and beautiful. Best to you all….
A fan | August 11th, 2008 at 8:04 am
It sounds like you and your ex are working toward mutual peace and that is so wonderful. I’m not a single mom, but was raised by one from age 2 until 7. My parents were unable to communicate civilly or attend any function together throughout my entire childhood and it really tore me up. I remember making my boyfriend drive to my college graduation brunch because I was certain I couldn’t physically turn the car into the parking lot myself because my parents would all be there in the same room. All kinds of visions of horrible fights entered my head and I was ill for a week before. In the end, we had a pleasant lunch and went about the day. If my parents could have figured out how to do that when I was younger, it would have been eased a lot of adult stress for me. Now, even though I know they will “play nice” I still worry about them being in the same room. My long-winded point is that from the child’s perspective, if you can put your issues aside now, it will make it easier in the long run for everyone (especially your son).
As for your family, consider talking to those whose behavior you are concerned about and remind them that this day is about your son turning 3 and the fact is that his father is a part of his life. Clearly set the expectation that negative words and actions, regardless of how much they think your ex deserves them, are absolutely not welcome and will not be tolerated. It’s amazing what miracle peace can happen when everyone is mindful of the young person that everyone cares about.
Most importantly, keep your son’s feelings priority. The adults should be able to handle these issues and set them aside for an afternoon. A 3-year old, however, should not be expected to understand the complexities of the situation.
Best of luck and hang in there.
Brenda | August 11th, 2008 at 9:01 am
as a child of divorce when i was 2, i second Brenda’s comment. It’s really more about the families ability to be adults and hold it together for the kid. especially for something where the kid will be the center of attention. There will be other parties and family get togethers that doe not have to have everyone present - but for his birthday and later various performances (sports, plays, concerts, etc.) everyone who loves him will want to attend and should feel safe to do so - not to mention that kid will only feel complete if those who he loves most are there.
As difficult as it is, mom and dad outrank the grandparents in this case. And the more often you are all in the same function for the good of your son - the easier it will become.
good luck! (Btw, it’s also not the end of the world the other way around as my younger sister and i survived and are very happy and love our families etc. but it would be nice to not have 3 places to attend during every holiday function… logistics are crazy!)
Kate | August 11th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
I have to agree with the others above. I am a child of divorce, a child of a very bitter nasty divorce. I knew my parents loved me intensely, but I also knew that they despised one another with equal passion.
I had countless “separate” birthdays, “Mom’s” Christmas, or “Dad’s” graduation party. I can’t remember a single day when we were all together, without stress, without dirty looks, without snide remarks. My entire adolescence was tinged with worry over their having to see one another, these two people who I loved above all else. That kind of stress on a child is just not fair.
I think your ex deserves to be there; you both have made the decision to co-parent your son, he needs and loves the both of you. Your family knows what you’ve been through, and I’d hope that they would have the forethought to put it all aside for ONE day, for your son.
Maybe it’s time to remind all those involved that this day is about your boy, who is (blessedly) not yet old enough to understand the pain and hurt that adults put on one another. The gift of being surrounded by ALL of his family in a loving, joyous atmosphere will far outweigh anything wrapped in ribbon.
Lina | August 11th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
I’m with the rest of the bunch. The adults just need to put their personal feelings aside and do what’s best for your son. I am the child of divorced parents who despised each other. Who did nothing but bad mouth each other and make us kids feel like we had to pick sides. This did 1000% more damage than the divorce itself. Your dad needs to get over it and put on a happy face for the sake of his grandson. Non of the ‘ex issues’ are your son’s burdens to bare and he will pick up on them if they’re not left where they belong. In the past. He deserves both of his parents at his birthday… and Kudos to you for doing everything you can to keep it civil with your ex w/ co-parenting little N. It’s not easy.
Miranda | August 11th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Always put the kids first. Do what’s in their best interest. Would having your dad and your ex be in your son’s best interest? Or what would?
We’ve had birthday difficulties with my ex’s extended family and me. We finally realized the least stressful, and best thing for my son, is to let him have a party with just his friends that his mom and I both attend. Then if she wants to throw a famiy party for him with her parents and siblings, she can. Believe me, his friends could care less if her parents and siblings are at his party. They just want to get their fun on with their buddy!
dadshouse | August 11th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
I really enjoyed your post: you put the problems so clearly.
I’m reading through the comments, and I think it’s true that adults should put their feelings aside to do what’s best for the child—but I also realize that saying “should” doesn’t make those feelings scootch into line. If your dad has strong feelings, the presence of the ex is going to ruin the day for him—and possibly for everyone. Your dad and my dad might have nothing in common, but I know my dad wouldn’t go for me lecturing him on how he needs to feel/behave.
I think I’d be more in favor of a plan that involved two parties: one small special party with Nolan and you and Nolan’s dad, and then have the party you’re planning with your family (but without Nolan’s dad).
swistle | August 11th, 2008 at 7:26 pm