Single Mom at Work
with Karli Larson
The transition from stay-at-home mom to divorced-and-working-full-time mom can be challenging, and sometimes very lonely. Throw in a few cats, an ancient dog and one very brave boyfriend, and life gets downright crazy. Join me as I talk through my thoughts and struggles, my miscalculations and my triumphs. We're in this together, you and I.
When I'm not writing here you can find me over at work on the TisBest Philanthropy blog.
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We’re a team of routine, my son and I. We like to know what to expect and during this past year and a half of Just Us Two, we’ve set about implementing comforting repetitive motions to our days.
Saturday mornings we amble through the forest to the rocky beach to throw pebbles, Sunday we stop for pancakes after soccer. Bedtime is at 7:30, and we read two books, not three, and he leaps into my arms for a final hug.
“You’re getting so big!” I tell him each night.
“You can barely lift me!” he replies, grinning, and I kiss his smooth cheek. He reciprocates with a fish-kiss somewhere between my ear and my eyeball.
Tuesday nights we shop for the week’s groceries, and that’s just what we’re doing tonight. I choose some spinach tortillas and pitch them in our cart, distractedly squinting at the bagel labels as Nolan sneaks chocolate donuts quietly into the front basket.
“Um, no,” I say, and start to put them back before I notice they’re slightly squished and I hesitate, can I put squished donuts back? “You said you were going to be very goo-”
I stop mid-sentence, and freeze, taking stock of the familiar gait of an unusually large, smiling man in front of me.
“Hi Nolan!” he says.
He is about 6 foot 3, jet-black hair peppered with silver at the temples, meat hook hands and a tiny gap in between his front teeth. He’s thirty one, and his eyes are green at one moment, hazel the next, and even though he’s still five paces away, I know he smells like Ivory soap and Sunlight laundry detergent, the lemon kind. My heart plummets.
“Hi Daddy!” Nolan shrieks, scrambling to hug his father.
I’m left with a mildly burning face, god we’re trying to be so casual about the fact that he’s moved 800 miles to live 2 miles away from us. And now does stuff like accompany me to Nolan’s swimming lesson and bump into us at the grocery store.
I’m suddenly conscious of my frayed jeans and shoes that need polishing and I wander down the aisle pretending to be absorbed in grape jam and brown sugar. Nolan babbles happily, he seems to be adjusting to this situation beautifully as his Father and I stumble along.
I can feel my son’s father glancing at me and I pull a tube of saran wrap from the shelf, forgetting that I have a full one at home. I’m kind of in front of my son and his father, pushing the cart but lingering, wanting to burn rubber into the parking lot but realizing the unacceptability of that urge.
“Ohmigod this is weird,” I say, looking at my ex.
He grins,”This is SO weird,”he agrees, and we push our carts away from each other, to separate cash out areas.
“Bye Daddy, I see you later!” our son cries happily and I covet a shred of his nonchalance.
I’m curious to know, for those of you who are divorced or separated: how far do you live from your ex? What kind of difference does that make in how you parent your children?
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URGH.
When my Ex and I first divorced, we lived a few blocks away from each other, but I never had to worry about running into him at the grocery store, because he worked the night shift, slept during the day, and spent most of his available waking hours trolling for women at the local gym (which, of course, I had no time for because I was either working, or taking care of the kids, in order to accommodate not only his work schedule, but also his busy Social Calendar, which involved endless “trading” of weekends and “weekend interruptions,” leading, basically, to a completely unenforceable Parenting Plan) AHEM.
He eventually re-married and moved 2 hours away which had it’s Pros and Cons. That relationship ended, and he moved back, but he is not in the “same neighborhood,” so I doubt we will ever meet up in the grocery store, but he does manage to “appear” frequently. Sure, he may call first, but it still bugs me. But, it does NOT bug the kids, and they, like your N, are always happy to see him. They are happiest when we “get along” and “don’t fight all the time,” and I think that is pretty universal for kids, no matter what their age.
The difference for me is that I harbor NO illusions or fondness or phantom attractions for this man–he brings me nothing but feelings of annoyance and suspicion. The way you write about your ex, well, I think you still harbor lots of regret and wistfulness for the “good times.” I was married for 14 years, though, and my divorce came 3 years later than it should have, and during those 3 years of HELL, it pretty much ERASED any regrets or wistfulness from my psyche.
Unfortunately for you, N’s happiness and preferences will ALWAYS overrule your own. You are the Grown-Up and will be expected to “suck it up and deal with it.”
My experience dictates me to advise you that “polite collaboration” will always trump fighting, but you still need to be careful to set boundaries.
My kids are older now, so I can have more “revealing” conversations with them now, but N is still little, and he only gets to have one Dad, and it is only natural for him to love him and want to be with him. Whatever you do, never, EVER limit N’s access to his father because it will only come back to HAUNT you–ESPECIALLY because you are a WORKING mother who has to travel out of town from time-to-time–Family Court does NOT treat Working Mothers with much fairness or sympathy (at least, that has been my experience.)
Good luck to you.
Blondie | October 8th, 2008 at 2:37 am
I live about 60 kilometers from my ex, and we take care that our lives rarely touch in unexpected ways. We both want to be prepared when we meet, which is normally to take over parenting tasks.
I don’t think I could cope with meeting him in grocery stores…
Miellyn | October 8th, 2008 at 5:10 am
At the time of the split, we had just gotten the kidlet into an awesome daycare, just a 20 minute drive from our then-home. He stayed in the neighbourhood and I moved closer to the daycare, since I would be taking us to and from daycare and work by transit.
Living just 10-15 minutes apart means I can sign kidlet up for swim lessons at the pool closest to me and he’s able to take her w/o issue. And tho we’ve never bumped into each other, the physical distance means that we can meet up at the local park or have a family dinner once a month.
We also have a ‘right of first refusal’ when it comes to child care. If I need a babysitter, I have to call him first. And vice versa. This, in its way, works best for the kidlet and that is our primary concern.
Rebs | October 8th, 2008 at 7:37 am
I don’t have an ex that I share a child with but I did grow up as a child of divorce so I thought I would share that story with you instead. When my mom left my father (he was a big fat cheater), she moved from Pennsylvania down to Virginia where her parents lived. We lived with her folks from when I was 2 1/2 until about 6 when she got remarried. I would have LOVED to have run into my dad at the grocery store. I know that my mom didn’t have much choice about where she took me because of her financial situation. However, that is the one big thing that I would have changed about my childhood if I could have, to have lived closer to my father. You are doing the right thing and I can’t even begin to tell you how much heartbreak you are sparing Nolan with your choice.
Carrie | October 8th, 2008 at 8:11 am
Wish I had some helpful words for you. I am a single mother to the ultimate meaning of ’single’ so I can only say that I do admire that you and Nolan’s dad have always made such an effort in front of Nolan. I suspect you were probably better at being civil in the early days. You are what every mother should be in a break up - focused on what’s best for your boy, always, and for that I truly admire and respect you!
As for what you’re going through now, as you keep saying, it’s great for Nolan. The awkwardness - hopefully you’ll both find your rhythm in time and fall into a comfortable routine of co-existence in close quarters.
Good luck. In the meantime, keep heart! The smile on your little one’s face will make it all worth the while.
Thinking of you both.
tash | October 8th, 2008 at 8:17 am
My ex and I have been seperated for 15 years now. We’re 30 km apart.
Even with the proximity there has been no co parenting. He opted for the every other week end give you what ever you want role. I handled all the tough everyday stuff.
Use to frustrate the crap out of me till I just accepted it and let go of my expectations for more.
Well, until yesterday but that’s another story:)
That said, my son is in first year University and thriving - so something worked.
I think the fact you are both willing to do this for the good of your son is remarkable and speaks to how much both of you love him. It’s not going to be an easy road but you’ll manage it. If nothing else, you have the internet in your corner Kristin.
Josie | October 8th, 2008 at 8:22 am
Oh honey. You think grocery shopping is awkward? Wait until one of you goes on a date, and the other has any sort of awareness of it. That’s a big ol’ AWK-WARD (with a pause in the middle).
Of course maybe I’m wrong. I’m not divorced and am grateful not to have to deal with situations like this. Whew!
Groovymarlin | October 8th, 2008 at 8:32 am
I am a “new” single mother - and I have to say that your blog is one of my favorites.
My ex and I only live about 5 miles from each other and do our best to remain very invovled in our daughters life. I can say that at first it was VERY awkward to see him at his restaurant (he is the GM), around town or even the “kid exchange”. It does get better…and then will seem worse on somedays, but overall better.
In fact, on Monday my ex had to pick up my daughter early from preschool b/c she was sick and then brought her back to my house. For the first time in over 6 months we were all able to hang out comfortably as a family and when he left, it was good. Like your son, my daughter gave him hugs and kisses and said she would see him soon.
I think the key to our success is that we are VERY open about everything. We talk about all of our feelings and voice any concerns with the situation. We have made the decision to do what is best for our daughter and do our best to have a comfortable and stable environment for her while living in the same town. It is not an easy road to go down, but as you get used to the new changes I’m sure it will get better.
Good luck!!
Brandi | October 8th, 2008 at 9:04 am
Great to read you as always…amazing person beyond belief. My answer: 1000 miles. I feel like I have the hardest situation in the world, and I guess there is comfort knowing I am not the only person who has a tough time. But 1000 miles…it tears your heart out sometimes. I had no choice but to be where I am in making a comeback in life, and I and my three awesome boys make it work somehow because love finds a way. Fortunately there is 2008 technology, for one thing. But I am missing a high school junior’s football games, and each picture my ex sends me of him sacking a quarterback or my freshman playing hoops is like a little nuclear missile going off in my chest. Now I am traveling while working the MLB postseason and I carry their picture with me, and we talk or IM or email or Facebook or whatever it takes until we can be together for an ephemeral but wonderful time. Smile through it all. I am glad I know about you.
Mark | October 8th, 2008 at 9:04 am
When it gets weird for me is when we attend things together and people assume we’re still married. Yes, I’m the Mommy. Yes, he’s the Daddy. Um, no, we’re not together.
The ex is about to meet my soldier when he comes home on leave next week. That, my friends, could be a little awkward.
Kristin, sometimes when reading you, I wonder if you and R still have feelings for each other. Maybe that’s what makes these run-ins so weird?
T | October 8th, 2008 at 9:53 am
am feeling like a veteran at this these days ~ we lived within 5 minutes of each other from the time our son was five to when he was 12. then i bought a house across the river, it now takes about 15 minutes and our son is now 14.
it gets easier, so much easier after years of going to parent teacher interviews, soccer games, basketball games, birthday parties, christmas events, funerals and countless dinners out. when i got re-married a couple of years ago, my exhusband was not only there, he witnessed our wedding, it somehow seemed fitting and it wasn’t weird for us at all though i suspect it was and is weird for others.
it used to be really awkward for us first just seeing each other and doing normal parenting things together but apart, then it was awkward always explaining and giving both email addresses for contact numbers at our son’s organized sporting events. but over time to now, it isn’t awkward at all, it is what it is. sometimes when we are all out and about with our son, i feel so incredibly lucky to have this family of mine and that normal is completely overrated.
darlene | October 8th, 2008 at 10:07 am
Just echoing Carrie’s sentiment that you guys living close to each other can only be a good thing for Nolan. My parents divorced when I was 8, but continued to live in the same small town, and the older I got the more I appreciated this. I can’t imagine having to travel far to see one of my parents. I think it will get easier for the two of you.
Mia | October 8th, 2008 at 11:36 am
My ex and I live about 3 miles apart and I have to say, it makes things a heck of a lot easier. Haven’t run into him at the grocery store yet, but it’s great having him as close as he is. And I think he would have to agree. Makes the whole co-parenting thing run much more smoothly.
As far as things being awkward…sometimes it is but we both agreed from the get-go that we are doing what is best for our son. We do family dinners on Sundays, take him places together, etc. and so far, it’s been working out pretty well.
Good luck and I’m sure things will get easier as time goes on.
Love reading you here and on your blog!
Christine | October 8th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
No advice or input from me, just admiration for your strength and your determination to do what is best for your son…
Lylah | October 8th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
Wow. Major weird. Maybe I’m being optimistic, but I bet this is the only time this will ever happen. (I ran into my ex on the morning of the day I was going to tell him about my new boyfriend; since then, I haven’t seen him once, and it’s been over three years…)
Leah K | October 8th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
Does he read your blog?…
Robyn | October 8th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
I live 3 blocks away from my ex. We run into each other at school and sports events a lot, and use the time to chat and co-parent together. It’s a little awkward running into her in the store, but not horribly so. Plus, my kids are older now - I’ve been divorced almost 9 years, and my daughter heads to college in less than 2.
What’s awkward is when I run into my ex-wife’s boyfriend when he is with my kids. I’m like, who is that imposter man trying to worm his way into my kids’ lives? It’s really hard. (And there is a LOT more to the story that I won’t tell on a blog comment.)
dadshouse | October 8th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
My ex and I live 6.51 miles and 13 minutes away from each other. Because of the densely populated city we live in (St Petersburg, FL) we do not run into each other often.
However, it has happened and it’s usually awkward at best since we had a horrible split. With time however it has gotten better. He and I no longer have issues but his wife is very immature about him having any contact with me (hello…we have a child together and you can’t change that) and causes scenes if we do run into each other. This is unhealthy for my son, but he’s also 15 so the situation is entirely different.
I must say I never think about my ex in the way you describe your thoughts about yours. I no longer see what I surely saw in him back in 1991 when we married. I now just see a middle aged dude from my past. I don’t care what he smells like nor do I find him handsome.
Kristy | October 8th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
My ex and I live 5 blocks away from each other. We planned it that way since our son was barely three when we split, and we both agreed that we’d set aside issues for his sake. We sold a house and separated, then both moved into rentals. Duncan loves walking to Daddy’s place (he lives with me, he sees his dad 2 nights a week and sleeps over at his place on Saturday nights). We may have run into him in the store once or twice, but usually it’s planned. But, my ex is a bit of a hermit and doesn’t do a lot outside of work, Duncan, and home (one of many issues that safely made him my ex, without any lingering feelings whatsoever). I was the one who went out on dates, found a new man to be in Duncan’s life (who he decided to call Daddy #2), and had a new baby 4 months ago. So, I’ve definitely moved on more than he has!
However, the close proximity has helped tremendously. We have keys to each other’s place, we see if the other needs something at the grocery store, I’ve borrowed his car when my battery died last winter and I needed to get Duncan to school, etc. I’ll agree with T that the assumption that we’re still a couple was weird at first (at school functions, especially, when some people knew we were split and others didn’t), but that’s not so much of an issue now.
I can see that a lingering chemistry would make the situation a lot more weird - I’ve had past relationships (without kids) where the physical connection still perked me up at unintended meetings even though my head was screaming at me to Back. Away. Slowly. But for N’s sake, you’re doing a great thing. I’m sure he’s in heaven now that his dad is closer. Duncan certainly loves it.
Becky | October 8th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
I’m not a mom, but I did grow up with my father far, far away. For us, that was the best, but then, we had our own set of circumstances, just like everyone does. So my point is this: having grown up as the daughter of a single mom, I greatly admire your strength, as well as your ability to deal with whatever is best for your son, and also to be able to have something of a life of your own too… I may not be one, but I sure do know it’s tough. So, cheers. You deserve gold stars.
kali | October 8th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
My ex has been out of the country for four months but is about to return and find an apartment nearby. I am definitely not looking forward to that part of it - figuring out how to cohabitate in the same town without much awkwardness. Obviously our son comes first so that should help. Still…
Love your blog.
PT-LawMom | October 8th, 2008 at 11:11 pm
I am not a mother, but I recently experienced being a part of a situation like this. I am adopted and recently came into contact with my biological mom (really long story) but anyways, went out to Quebec from Alberta to visit her for a week and meet my half sister! My birthmother is recently going through a divorce (not my father) and I saw first hand the struggles of having a child trying to come to terms with it. (Anika is 12) They continue to see eachother and make sure they greet eachother in front of Anika with a hug. I know its really hard for my birthmom as there were a few instances while in her ex-husbands home where tension within conversations arose. I definately picked up on it, and I know Anika does too. The important part is the children, and unfortunately I realize that is hard on my birthmom but its something she realizes is important, and I see that you do too. Good Luck!
Shelly | October 9th, 2008 at 11:08 am
My parents divorced when I was in the sixth grade. They lived a few miles from each other. They always put on a happy face for us and tried to get along. I know better now of course, but I honestly feel like I came from a regular, two parent family.
DBN | October 11th, 2008 at 10:04 pm
My ex and I have an unusual and wonderful co-parenting relationship. He lives approximately a mile away. Until recently he came over to my house to put her to sleep 3 or 4 nights a week (now 2 or 3 of those night are at his own house). We have regular family days, we talk on the phone every day, we even have family photos.
As I said to people when we first split, and I say to people still, “We’re still a family. We’re just shaped differently.”
Of course, that’s not to say we don’t have our fair share of awkward moments…
single mom with tiny tot | October 13th, 2008 at 10:03 pm