Single Mom at Work
with Jennifer Mattern
Feeling singled out? Get singled in with me: single mom, two kids, zero disposable income. Sometimes, life just sidles off in your preferred direction without you, and it takes a while to wrench your heel out of the sewer grate and catch up. Let's talk, sistas.
Find out more about my street cred at Breed 'Em and Weep.
I watch Kim from the sliding glass door of my tiny office. She’s efficient as always as she packs up her Blackberry, her laptop, and a stack of file folders from her desk. She wraps her scarf around her neck and quickly glances at her watch, slipping off her heels and shoving her feet into the waiting flats under her desk. It’s only 4:30 as she hurries to the elevator to leave for the day.
Kim is one of the most polished and efficient sales people on the team at the large media company I’m working at. I admire her intelligence and hope I have half her poise when I’m her age: which is only in four or five years. But I can’t help resenting her a little. I understand she has to pick up her kids from daycare, but shouldn’t she be putting in her dues at the office, too? I’m working till at least 7:30 every night to make sure I’m on the right rungs on the slipper corporate ladder - and, I know it sounds petty — but I resent her late mornings and early exits. Just because she chose to have children doesn’t mean she should get away with fewer hours on the clock, right? I think parents need to put in the same hours as non parents. Firmly.
That was me five years ago, of course — now I am Kim and feel guilty for the complete lack of understanding I had for the struggle to juggle by working Moms. I’m not working less hours now, necessarily, but I often dip out at 4:30 to pick Nolan up at daycare. I make up for that early exit at night, of course, and sometimes on weekends — but if I were in a corporate office environment, I’m sure eyes would be rolling. And I’m pretty convinced that the most vehement sighing would be that of Other Women: particularly Other Women who don’t have children.
My friend Martha, who had two children under five, works for a boss who happens to be a 39-year-old single woman: never been married, never had kids.
“She’s nice,” Martha confided in me, as we discussed our work-life balance over coffee on my couch,”But working at 1:00 on a Sunday afternoon or 8 PM on a Wednesday is the norm for her. And so she expects it of me. The kids aren’t an acceptable excuse. I’d kill for a Dad boss, or even another Mom with kids who knows my pain, you know?”
But then, how can children be understood, by a woman who’s never had them? Five years ago, if you’d tried to tell the single, career-focused me that children were every bit as important as a successful career (more so, even!), I would have politely nodded and secretly, vehemently disagreed.
For those of you with kids (especially single moms, who arguably juggle even more), what kinds of bosses have been most understanding with your kid situation? Is it a mix of men and women? Do women tend to be harder on each other?
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I recall a conference call shortly after I brought my kids home - when I was on maternity leave. The call was scheduled for an hour, at a time when my kids would be happily playing in their play pen, to end at the time of their scheduled feeding. The call was with a father (who has a stay-at-home wife) and a mother (who was a SAHM when her kids were little). OK, so when the call went past the hour, I gave my kids some dry cheerios and that kept them happy for another hour. At the 2-hour mark, they started fussing a little and I reminded my bosses that we had gone over by an hour and needed to close so I could feed the babies. Finally another half-hour later, I had to hang up on them, because they were still going strong. I am not sure having kids ensures understanding. Because I quit my job before really coming back from leave, I don’t have any horror stories from the “office,” but I’m sure I would if I’d stayed.
In my current job, I work with (childless) friends and am very clear that my kids come first as far as schedules go. I mean, sure, if there’s something truly important that justifies a schedule adjustment, I’ll adjust, but I’ll also make it known that that’s a big sacrifice for me and my kids. If they don’t like it, they are free to replace me.
The thing that gets to me in my present job is that I am expected to do more work in order to make up for the fact that I have a flexible schedule. As a single mother of 2 tots, I am tired by the time they go to bed, and it really sucks that I have to put in extra hours - beyond what’s justified by my relative compensation - because some of my hours aren’t “prime time” in others’ opinion. I get very little down time and that isn’t helping the quality or quantity of my work, let alone my morale.
SKL | October 30th, 2008 at 8:27 am
I do think women are harder on each other, even fellow moms. My previous boss was a woman with two kids just a few years older than my son. She was the breadwinner in her home and had a hubby taking care of them most days. She was the nicest woman I have worked with for sure. A good friend, but she cared diddly about other parents in the office needing time to do things for their kids. You had to be at work period. End of discussion, no leaving early, no taking time off. Funny that now I am working in a corporate environment but its so laid back, all of my bosses are men, all married with kids and we all bring our kids to work if we need to, talk about them daily, take whatever time off for daycare pickups, lunch duty etc that we need. In fact, just last week a coworker couldn’t find a sitter and she brought her 4 month old to work and I kept him for her in my office until she was done with her meeting. It was wonderful! Even so, the women are usually the ones making arrangements for the kids even if they are working also. A few of the execs here have wives that work in the same building but they do the kid stuff plus work while their husbands put in longer hours. I wonder when that is going to start evening out? I guess at this point I’m just thankful to have the work environment I do when I hear how poorly other employers treat family life.
Ruth | October 30th, 2008 at 9:32 am
As a Dad who tries to stay as involved as I can (dropoffs, pickups, working from home, etc.), this is definitely a balancing act, and I have a childless boss, though he is mostly keen to keep his parent-employees happy. But there is definitely a lack of understanding about what it takes to be a working parent.
Avi Spivack | October 30th, 2008 at 10:01 am
I have a male boss with grown children and he is amazingly understanding. He says he remembers “those” days. Sick kids, rushing off to daycare. It makes working so much easier. I think he figured that he would get more out of me if gave a little.
On the flip side, the head of our organization is a female. The first female ever. And she seems to be making things more difficult for working parents every day. She doesn’t understand that parents need flexibility. And she’s a mom!
Sharon | October 30th, 2008 at 11:16 am
My boss has one kid but she is much older. He lets me off but I can see the eyes roll when I tell him that I cannot take my son with me to show 3 properties after work or that I cannot always show homes on Saturdays.
My husband has it far, far worse. He works in a small office and is the only one with a child. His boss will call spontaneous meetings at the end of the day and be angry if he says that he can’t stay. If our son is sick or needs something, he cannot leave. I am the one who has to let my job suffer because he flat out cannot leave work or miss days due to our son and it puts a huge amount of work on me. The two times that I have had to take our son to the emergency room, he came for the entire period, but had to go back to his office after we left the ER and work through the night.
Both of our bosses have actually said, when in the process of hiring extra staff, that they did not want to hire someone with children. The funny part is, the people with children work harder because we have a lot to lose if we lose our jobs. Each young single person that my husband’s boss has hired after his statement, has been lazy and nonproductive and had to be fired.
Oceans Mom | October 30th, 2008 at 11:24 am
Ocean’s Mom: Interesting point, that working parents work harder because they have more at stake.
I am not sure whether employers see it that way: given the choice of two candidates with equal qualifications, one with children, one without — I suspect the childless candidate would be chosen much more frequently.
Kristin D | October 30th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
This post was me 5 years ago also.
I find women much more flexible, even my childless boss has nephews.
It all depends on the person and how family orientated they are.
Men are sometimes detached.
also depends on how wealthy the boss is, lots of them just say, cant you find a sitter?
I actually think that given the choice of 2 candidates most actually PICK the person with a child. They are stable, need to work and will soon be out of the infant stage.
With a childless candidate, it is usually only a matter of time before they get PG, then why invest in a new employee who may not stick around.
That is the way I have seen it go for years on end.
Deb R | October 30th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
This is admittedly a really tough one, and one I absolutely see both sides of, alas. I’m now pregnant, looking down the barrel of becoming a working parent, albeit a WAHM-type one.
That being said, when I worked in corporate, even as a young childless person, I was fairly understanding to my (male) boss’s need to spend time with his family. But what is rarely said is that people with children — boss’s in particular — have to be careful not to take advantage of those below them, particularly the childless ones, and that some of the responsibility in making the work environment flexible is being respectful of others.
I never — NEVER — minded that he had to leave at 5, or when there were childcare emergencies or anything of the sort. I truly didn’t. In fact, I loved it, because I knew that if I had a kid under him, he would be wonderful. (And he is, by the way, to the two women below him now, as we keep in touch. He is a dream boss for the working woman.) Overall, I loved him as a boss, and his devotion to his family was part of the reason, even when I was young and childless.
But …
I can’t tell you how many times it felt like *my* life didn’t matter in the slightest — how many evening and weekend events were sprung on me at the last moment, even when I had plans that were relatively important (a last-minute canceled dinner for Adam’s grandpa comes to mind). After all, I had no family to go home to, whereas my boss had a wife and two kids. “You won’t mind staying to finish this, right, Jonna? It’s girls’ night out for Marie, and I’ve got to be with the kids.”
And so I’d sit, alone, until 11 p.m. finishing an “emergency” project I knew nothing about at 2 p.m. that same day. I understood the balance he was trying to strike — more, now than ever — but man, that sucked. It sucked because while I knew I’d be given that flexibility if I had kids, I was totally treated as the lone workhorse when I didn’t, even after asserting myself.
It was assumed that because I didn’t have kids, that I would *always* be the one to cover weekend and evening events, and that my boss could just drop whatever he was doing at 4 p.m., dump it on my desk with a “This has to be done by 7. Gotta run to pick up Toby from school!”
I never complained to anyone above me — I never, ever would, for I recognized how difficult his situation was, in some ways, compared to mine. But I don’t think my situation is all that uncommon, and I’d heard of similar tales from my rational childless friends.
I guess what I’m saying is that yes, it probably sucks to have a childless boss if you have kids. But if you are a boss with kids with childless underlings, I imagine it can be easy to give into temptation and take advantage of them to make your life easier. But don’t.
jonniker | October 30th, 2008 at 8:22 pm
To clarify, btw: not that I think anyone WOULD do such a thing, I guess I’m just saying that I learned important lessons from someone who did things the wrong way. So that when I am a working mom with childless employees, I will hopefully remember what I went through and remember that they’re people, too.
jonniker | October 30th, 2008 at 8:53 pm
I have been a participant in all parts of this situation (the person without the kid and the person with the kid; the supervisor and the subordinate). The situation can be difficult to navigate, but doable (depending on your job). When I had my son, I was a CPA/Consultant and I decided to focus on more task-oriented jobs (i.e., jobs that depended on getting a particular task done by a particular time). This way, if an emergency happened, it was no big deal because it didn’t matter when I did the work, just as long as it got done. A natural procrastinator, I learned to do things early (to hedge against emergencies - which invariably cropped up). This took me off of the partner track because that track demands face-time with clients and access at all times of the day and night. But, my job was secure and as long as I lived up to what I promised the firm, no one gave me a hard time.
Getting off the partner track for flexibility is just the way it is in that industry (there are stories of people making partner while part-time, but the incidences are few and far between). However, I knew this and accepted it before I got pregnant. My main advice here is to understand your working situation. If it is really not a flexible environment, try to get into one that is prior to having the baby (if at all possible).
After awhile, I left my firm freelanced (I had the proverbial offer you can’t refuse). After a couple of years, I decided to work a busy season at a public accounting firm as an hourly consultant so that I could refresh some of my technical skills. I negotiated 25 hours a week with management and got it in writing. Again, as long as I lived up to my promises, management was fine. The people who gave me the hardest time were the young women subordinates (who just didn’t understand the part-time thing). I finally sat a couple of them down and told them that 1) I only got paid for the hours I worked so they didn’t have to trouble themselves about what they perceived to be an inequity, and 2) that they should unqualifiedly (is this a word?) support me because it would pave they way for them in the future. They hadn’t thought about it in this light. Their hostile attitudes changed after that.
Mary | October 31st, 2008 at 8:00 am
Mary, that’s a great idea to sit the young women down and remind them that they will be in your shoes in the future. It’s been my mantra for the past couple of years that young women need to address their narrow (idealistic) view of their own professional future, and focus a bit on making the path a little smoother.
As young adults in society, we not only give children a lift, but we also help remove obstacles for older people, because they’ve paid their dues, they’ve helped us, we’ll be where they are one day, and mostly because it’s just the right thing to do. The same attitude needs to be developed with regard to women in business.
SKL | October 31st, 2008 at 8:16 am
I think a little flexibility goes a long way on both sides. The goal should be to get the work done while not causing undue stress because of ridigity over schedules. I don’t have kids, but my elderly folks need a lot of shuttling around and care, so I am SO grateful for my new manager who doesn’t mind if I take off 2 hours to take dad to the doctor, then make the time up later. My old manager would have NEVER allowed that - and I was much less likely to go the extra mile for her. I knew she didn’t have my back and that was reflected in my attitude.
I think that there are people who will take advantage of any situation, and that the slackers will be the same people all the time, no matter what their family situation. If they don’t have kids, they will have some other excuse to not work as hard. I know someone who calculates his ever minute of every break and, if he comes back from work 3 minutes early from lunch, leaves 3 minutes early at the end of the day. He will never change.
Sue | October 31st, 2008 at 11:22 am
Hi Kristin. I’m no longer in the corporate world, but aside from a small stint at a start-up dot com, Mark’s career growth and rise up the corporate ladder has been through the corporate rungs, and one thing he has noticed, without question, especially where he works now, is that positions of power are largely held by women.
Is this something you’ve found on your career path? I’m curious. Because this news (gladly) surprised me. Sadly (and I only know this because Government salaries are public information), alot of these woman actually make less than the men under them. So much for equality in the work place, eh?
K | October 31st, 2008 at 11:22 am
grr. IE 8 is a giant piece of crap and hitting enter to start a new paragraph submitted that comment before I was finished. So sorry.
Just wanted to add that I know my comment was a bit off topic, but that I’m guessing experience with one gender over the other being more understanding with work/life balance largely depennds on corporate culture and values. And also whether or you can expect compensation for paid overtime.
K | October 31st, 2008 at 11:29 am
I’m sorry Kristin, I think my follow up comment about IE 8 being the bain of my existence was so totally full or irony because that comment seems to have vanished into the vastness of cyberspace.
Anywho…I did mean to close my comment by wondering whether or not gender experience for an understanding boss had more to do with corporate culture and work/life balance values within an organization and whether or not one can expect paid overtime.
K | October 31st, 2008 at 11:46 am
i have found that the age of the kids matter. People with younger kids are more understanding, while the women i work with whose kids are grown seem want me to have the same struggles they did…no time off for sick kids, begrudginly allowing time for midwive’s appointments, expecting me to stay late when i can’t. I even had to come to work with Pink Eye because it wasn’t ‘like i was throwing up or anything…’
rebecca | October 31st, 2008 at 5:53 pm
I’m fortunate that I work in a section where all but 1 have kids. There has been a couple of times where that one (a woman) gets slightly PO’d when 1 or several of us talk about kid problems, or are out because of something related to the kids.
I have also worked with a few who are just like you described - staying at the office til all hours.
Once upon a time, when I had nothing else in my life I would do that. Then, because I married, and later had a child, I reprioritized my life and realized that there are MUCH MORE IMPORTANT things in life than spending 50-60-70 hr at an office. IOW, I got a life. I am firmly convinced that people such as you all have described have no life other than work.
And that’s very sad.
You can be childless, even unmaried, and yet have a very normal productive and happy life OUTSIDE the office.
The trick is, you have to want it.
Obviously the people don’t and will have no understanding until they are able to walk in our shoes. Yes, we choose to have kids. But we also choose to have a life other than the office. One that puts us among the living and among other people in this wonderful and diverse world.
Personally, even with disgust they show or the snide remarks, I realize that I am and always will be richer and much more fortunate than they are. And in a warped way, I feel sorry for them.
Jane | October 31st, 2008 at 7:31 pm
Sometimes a woman in a position of power adopts a more traditional workplace environment to show that she can be the same executive a man can be. I don’t think the stance is because they don’t understand or that they are cold. Although, I do think that sometimes there are biases that we can be blind towards.
I had female bosses with no children during both my pregnancies and thereafter. One now has children and one never will. Both brought me back to work EARLY and both let me bring in my baby. Both let me work flexible hours. Both maintained their expectations for the completion and standards of my work.
My current employer had me come back to work 9 days after my second child was born. I realized right away that I’d have to be more efficient at home and at work. I innovated the procedures I used at work and in the process, saved my employer TONS of money and shaved hours off my work month. Even so, my evaluation that year dropped one point on “organization” when exactly the reverse had occurred. The next year, it was back up. Not sure what that was about if it wasn’t a blind bias.
Even so, I think perhaps I’ve had a good run of luck with bosses and co-workers (though I currently have much more quantity and quality work than either of my childless co-workers).
rebecca | November 1st, 2008 at 8:34 pm
My current employer is extremely family friendly. Many of the employees are of the “time to start a family” age, so there is a lot of understanding and flexibility. As there should be. If a company wants to retain good employees, they need to recognize that people have lives outside of work.
I am responsible for supervising a team of about 5 other employees, and I try to be very understanding of their personal needs. This doesn’t mean only parenting issues, either. The childless employees have lives and emergencies too. One of my employees had to take her cat to the vet because she was vomiting blood. That counts as important too! Older employees may have parent-care responsibilities. Being understanding and flexible is good for lowering stress levels and inspiring hard work and good will in your workers!
Robyn | November 3rd, 2008 at 3:34 pm
This is the exact reason that I quit my job while on mat leave with my first child. I decided to start my own business so that I didn’t have to explain to other people that I had commitments related to my family or feel guilty every time I had to do something for my family instead of taking on more work.
I am now a self-employed consultant. My clients are very happy with the work that I do for them and I always meet my deadlines, but no one is watching the clock or checking on what time I come in or what time I leave. No one but me decides whether I can or should take on more right now and no one makes me feel guilty when I do say no to a new project.
Annie @ PhD in Parenting | June 17th, 2009 at 8:30 am
I’m a stay at home mom partially because I had a childless boss that was not understanding. It was well understood that any temp with children would not be hired no matter how good she was at her job. I was hired on before having my son but knew I would lose my job as soon as I had to take off for a sick day to care for my son. It just wasn’t worth it to me so here I am. I enjoy being home but am really sad that other moms have a need to put up with it. I feel lucky that I was able to walk away. My neighbor had a baby around the same time as me and was able to return to work. She goes in a bit later than before, leaves for lunch to feed her son, and even took him to work with her at 3 months old when he got chicken pox from another child at daycare. Maybe with that kind of support I could have gone back to work but it’s very rare to find such a place.
Melissa | November 21st, 2009 at 9:41 pm
Wierd but - Even before I had the baby - I didn’t understand workaholic bosses or jobs with that environment. I like to do 8 hours a day or less just to have a life, period! Adding kids to the equation shouldn’t make it an excuse to finally work realistic hours and not kill yourself for your job. Call me a slacker.
Fern | March 8th, 2011 at 5:31 pm