Single Mom at Work
with Karli Larson
The transition from stay-at-home mom to divorced-and-working-full-time mom can be challenging, and sometimes very lonely. Throw in a few cats, an ancient dog and one very brave boyfriend, and life gets downright crazy. Join me as I talk through my thoughts and struggles, my miscalculations and my triumphs. We're in this together, you and I.
When I'm not writing here you can find me over at work on the TisBest Philanthropy blog.
Single Moms are just as competent - sometimes more so?
Categories: Fighting the Stereotype, Missing Parent
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The release of a University of Maryland study last week prompted the arrival of several emails into my inbox, from other bloggers and friends who thought I might be interested. And indeed I was.
The study focused on the amount and quality of time that American Mothers are spending with their kids. And surprisingly to the researchers (but not to me) - the data concluded that Single Moms spend almost exactly the same amount of time with their children as married Moms. Despite the steriotype of the frazzled Single Mom balancing a low-paying job, slightly deprived TV-zombied children, and Kraft dinner meals in a dilapidated house — the evidence shows that single Moms devote about 90% of time with their children that married Moms do. Single Moms are doing a stellar job of balancing work, life, and kids without a mate to help.
A spokesperson for the University of Maryland said that single Moms might be cutting a lot of other things out of their lives: sleep, friends, exercise — but “they’re really trying to privilege time with their kids.”
I know better than to lump all single Mamas into one category - but for me, this sentiment has been utterly true. Being a single Mom means I need to get a babysitter everytime I want to go to a yoga class or for a run - economically, it’s just not worth it. I do have a network of friends but I don’t see them that often, especially those that don’t have kids. And, I sleep about three hours less a night now than I did when I was with my son’s Father. I’m not sure whether the dissolution of one relationship magnified the importance of another, but my sudden status as a single parent only made me more determined than ever to not “screw up” my son.
I think, too, that knowing that I was going to be exclusively responsible for my son’s livelihood made me more tenacious in my pursuit of flexible job options, of determination to pick up more freelance work that I could do at night so I could spend more afternoons with him.
Lastly, there’s the sticky reality that many married Moms, for all intents and purposes, are working and carrying the brunt of home life and child care just like Single Moms. Alaina over at Ms. Single Mama wrote a compelling post about this a few weeks ago noting that for many married Moms, help by Dad with the children and the house is non-existent. This fact might also help support some of the “surprising” research data.
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I spent a long time after the demise of my relationship fretting that my son would be damaged for life: that he would be unable to maintain a relationship when he was older, that he would be fraught with insecurity and sadness over the separation of his parents. My own parents have been married for 36 years: it has been drilled into my head that the only option for a stable family is a loving, two parent home.
I am learning, through listening and reading and discussing studies like the one above — that a happy child is created with love. Love from two parents in one home is great.
But devotion, time, and ungrudging sacrifice by one parent who would give the world for her child also provides the basis for a happy child: one who will always know that anything is possible where there is love. Single Moms have proven it time and time again.
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One thing about being a single mom is that you have to take your kids EVERYWHERE. I do have a nanny, but I’m mostly “working” when she’s on the clock. I’m also “working” when the kids are sleeping (except for maybe 7 hours at night). So my kids are at my side while I’m cooking, cleaning, eating, shopping, socializing, exercising, etc. If I had a husband, I might do less with my kids, because I could sneak out for errands / socializing from time to time.
It’s funny to think of the contrast between my kids’ life and the “stereotypical” single parent home that you described. Even a working single mom has lots of choices that can determine the quality of her kids’ environment. The “buck stops here” reality is somewhat motivating. And of course there is less competition for the mom’s time when there’s no full-time man in the picture.
Anyhow, I’m not convinced that the amount of time one spends face-to-face with one’s children is as important as some people believe. I determine how my kids will spend each minute of their day, and with whom; so why do people focus only on the time they physically spend with me? Maybe my kids are better off if we are apart for a chunk of each weekday.
SKL | December 9th, 2008 at 11:49 pm
Yes!!!!
I’m going to link back to you if you don’t mind… have to share this study with my readers as well. Amazing and no, not too surprising.
Thank you for this Kristin.
Alaina | December 10th, 2008 at 8:13 am
I can’t believe that the results of the study could come as a surprise to anyone. As you pointed out, we single moms have to bring our kids with us everywhere. Mine come grocery shopping, errand running, and even hang out in the salon when I get my hair cut. They play outside while I shovel the driveway in the winter and rake leaves in the fall. And the cost of babysitters (I have no family nearby) means that my nights out with friends are few and far between. Most evenings are spent with my girls - watching movies, going to the park (weather permitting), playing board games, baking, hanging out. It seems the only time we’re not together is when I’m at work and they are at school. They may only have one parent involved with them on a day-to-day basis, but they get as close to 100% of my time and attention as I can give them.
alison | December 10th, 2008 at 9:42 am
I’m also not surprised by this study. I think those of us who spend so much time at work — out of choice or necessity — are simply more conscious about spending QUALITY time with our kids when we have the chance.
julie | December 10th, 2008 at 11:31 pm
As a single dad who is deeply involved in my children’s lives, I’m not too surprised with these research findings. My kids are only with me half the time, so I absolutely make them a priority when they are with me. I blogged about juggling priorities here http://dadshouseblog.com/2008/10/27/secrets-to-single-parent-success/ - some things can slide, for sure.
As for married moms - please don’t diss on husbands and dads. I think it’s unfair to make blanket statements about whether dads are involved in their kids lives or not. Every family is different, and every husband/wife will prioritize their time with work/family/home in different ways for different reasons. I’m sure it’s tempting for a single mom to imply that men simply don’t take part at home, so why be married. But come on, isn’t that more a defense mechanism justifying the single mom’s aloneness?
There are great men out there who help create loving homes with their wives. And there are single dads who create loving homes without a woman. Just as there are great single moms. We’re all on different paths, working through different issues. Hopefully, we’re all evolving.
dadshouse | December 11th, 2008 at 10:13 am
Thank you for this Kristin. Exactly what I needed to read tonight.
T | December 11th, 2008 at 11:48 pm
I’m married. But I take my daughter with me EVERYWHERE as well since my husband works long hours and is also pursuing a degree right now. I also take her everywhere with me because how else is she going to learn how to do things such as grocery shopping and mailing packages if she doesn’t see me doing it? She needs to learn how to do these things and she needs to learn how to behave in public, so with me she goes. Husband is usually not home in the late afternoon/evening with us while we cook and clean as well, so she is right there doing those things with me too.
Other thing is, she’s already in daycare from 7:30-3:30, so I am loathe to give up a single minute with her once I am off work.
Other than the single part, I could repost SKL’s second and third paragraphs verbatim.
Robyn | December 12th, 2008 at 10:47 am
I’m not a single Mum but I have a number of friends who are and we agree that we are doing about the same amount of parenting. Maybe it is because this is our first child but my husband spends about an hour with her a day before she goes to bed and he can barely handle that. This weekend he “babysat” her (his words) while I CLEANED THE APARTMENT while I had the flu. How generous of him, eh? I’m just venting here and he is a great partner in a lot of ways but these days help from him is bordering on non-existant. Still, I don’t compare myself to single Mums because as someone who grew up helping her single-Mum sister out I know that I still have the emotional support from my partner on days when I am totally fazzled and he at least tries to make it easier on me. And the option to go out sans child is there if I want it… as long as she isn’t sick, fussy, whiney or awake. I pretty much just drag her everywhere with me too.
melanie | December 16th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
testing
SYL | March 28th, 2009 at 12:42 pm