Single Mom at Work
with Karli Larson
The transition from stay-at-home mom to divorced-and-working-full-time mom can be challenging, and sometimes very lonely. Throw in a few cats, an ancient dog and one very brave boyfriend, and life gets downright crazy. Join me as I talk through my thoughts and struggles, my miscalculations and my triumphs. We're in this together, you and I.
When I'm not writing here you can find me over at work on the TisBest Philanthropy blog.
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Guilt is a common resonating theme in many of my posts pertaining to Motherhood. In fact, in three years of Motherhood, that thorny, useless emotion has reigned supreme in my conscience, in the forefront of many of my other (much more productive) emotions.
I’ve felt guilt about my career, the fact that eight hours a day are dedicated to my computer and my phone, while a little blond chunk of my soul plays quietly in the care of near-strangers, meeting childhood milestones away from the company of his Mother. I’ve felt angst about the dissolution of my relationship to my son’s father: about the way our inability to make it work might impact him in future years. I create all kinds of ugly scenarios: he will not trust, he will remember discord, and worst, he will blame me for the loss of a traditional “family” in his formative years.
I read blogs, too many of them, and with sharp inhalation I absorb rampant criticism of Mommy bloggers: blaring and finger pointing text, accusatory. You are screwing up your son’s future social life by writing about his life online. With your words you are creating future turmoil, mocking, laughter, at his expense. There are the Mommy Wars and the studies about the long-term impacts of divorce, everywhere I look, I am doing it wrong and He Will Pay.
As a Mother - and especially, I think, as a Single Mother, I worry every day about my decisions and actions creating discord in the future well-being of my son. I lie awake at night, heart racing, staring at the ceiling, as guilt pulsates through my head: not enough time with him, Mommy and Daddy not together, how many times have I said too much, what am I doing that is not enough? Guilt, in concentric circles, plow and swirl uselessly in my heart and create panic.
Until this week, that is. My son was with his paternal grandparents and Father for Christmas, and I took the child-free opportunity to see a movie with my Mom. My co-workers had recommended Slumdog Millionaire, a slightly obscure movie turned critical darling for its passionate storytelling, pulsating scenery, and emotional musical score.
For those of you who have not seen it, let me recommend this movie to you not only for its cinematic brilliance, but for the fact that it just might release you from the cloying chain of Mommy guilt.
Here’s why: Slumdog Millionaire is a work of fiction, about the life of a young boy who lives as an orphan with his brother on the streets and train tracks and slums of Mumbai, India. It is the story of a boy who witnesses the brutal death of his Mother, heart-lurching child abuse, deception by a sibling, torture and corruption. It is, indeed, a work of fiction, but I’ve traveled enough in third-world countries to understand that, in many countries around the world, it is unpolished Truth. It’s not something we think about everyday, but our subconscious knows what this movie brings to the surface: children are born into heartwrenching conditions every single day. Children witness horrors we as adults cannot fathom, at every moment in our lives. We do not compute because we cannot, on a regular basis, or our hearts would break irrevocably : but movies like this punch us in the face and tell us clearly: you have it good, North American Jerks. You have it so, so good.
My child, your children, are growing up in a home where their Mama loves them. They have clothes, and food, and a constant place to rest. They do not know torture, they will experience corruption much later, they will almost certainly never have to fight death for food. If the worst thing that might happen to my son is a grade ten bully who mocks him for something I wrote on the Internet a decade ago, so be it. For every twinge of bitterness he might have at growing up in a home without a Father, with a Mom who had to work too much, he’ll also undoubtedly feel gratitude for rainy forest walks for warm honey donuts, for trips to Science World and the skating rink, for an extended family who envelop him in love and an unconditional warm embrace.
We are doing a good job, bathing our children in light and love in the most prosperous, opportunity-filled portion of the world. We are working for their future. Us single Moms, especially, are providing a soft place for our children, one without discord, one filled with hope and strength and an example of strong Motherhood. I am OK. You are OK. Most importantly of all, our kids will be so much more than OK.
I, for one, will be morphing this guilt into anger and turning it where it belongs: to the grim but worthy cause of helping improve the lives of children who do deserve our guilt, in the form of attention, awareness, and action.
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excellently written as usual….. and so true. I lie awake at night with guilt too and I supposedly did do a few things right. Love is hard.
SAJ | January 1st, 2009 at 3:49 am
I love your writing. Have you ever thought of writing a book? Ok alot of pressure but I am a fan!
Thank You for your sharing.
Terri | January 1st, 2009 at 6:45 am
You are so right. Especially with “You have it good, North American Jerks. You have it so, so good.” Single parenting has been around forever. Bad parenting has been around forever. Tragic events have also been around forever. They are all very separate and distinct things.
As for the Mommy Blogger Wars, from what I read of Mommy Bloggers, none of the things they write about their children are anything but loving and funny and memorable and warm and spirited. My kids love that I tell cute stories about them, and they love to hear those stories over and over again. Plus, there are so many Mommy Bloggers out there now, I sincerely doubt your son will ever encounter a bully who has ever read anything about your son on the internet–there are too many other things/people to read about. Who are these paranoid people?
Yes, I do believe it is high time to break free from the guilt. You are doing a great job, and your son will know it.
Blondie | January 1st, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Attagirl, Kristin.
Marcy | January 1st, 2009 at 4:20 pm
Kristen-
I am a fan of your blogs also. This blog really hit it out of the park! I think you’ve hit on the most important point which is that guilt is a luxury of the privileged. I think the angst that you speak of when referencing the Mommy Wars is unfortunate. I really enjoy this website, but my criticism of it is that many women are still so caught up in the “rightness” of their choices about whether or not they should stay at home, work part-time vs. full-time etc. In many parts of the world, including the US, women do not have the luxury to worry about whether or not they should or shouldn’t work, let alone whether or not they are doing everything perfectly! I think the judgment about single-mothers is just a way for women to continue the angst and the diaglogue and the desperate need for some to continually validate their own choices by comparing themselves to other women. I would also say that as a family therapist, I frequently work with kids from “intact” families. Parenting requires that at least one parent is on the ball. I work with many families where both parents are so caught up with their own personal and marital struggles, they have so little left over for their kids. I love the research that has begun to emerge about successful single-parenting. Your blogs provide richness and insight to real issues. You never give us fluff about artificial issues that are a tiresome part of the world of mommy bloggers. Thank you for all that you have continued to share with us, it is much appreciated.
Leslie | January 1st, 2009 at 5:55 pm
Oh wow. Kristin, this is the best post I’ve read all year long. Or, rather in the past year (as this year, well nevermind.). Wonderful. I needed this desperately today. I’m printing it out as soon as i finish typing and stapling it to my forehead. Or at the very least thumb-tacking it to my corkboard. Thanks so much.
Ilana | January 1st, 2009 at 7:27 pm
Absolutely agree with you.
When my son was in daycare, I remember picking him up after work and walking into our warm house in cold winter months of NY, thinking, I and my son are so lucky to have a warm house to walk into.
Great that you wrote this.
Vera Babayeva | January 1st, 2009 at 8:32 pm
Kristin, this is such a beautifully written, incredible post. I saw the movie and was feeling a lot of what you wrote — but you just expressed it all so clearly. I grew up in a country where, while not nearly as tough as in the movie, the conditions were tough. My parents worried about getting us enough food and finding me winter boots so that I wouldn’t freeze. My mom worked long hours, so did my dad, and there was no room for any guilt — this is what they had to do. We didn’t have much, lived in a tiny apt my entire life, but my memories of my childhood are entirely wonderful and positive.
I often say that feeling guilty as a working mom is a kind of privilege, a luxury if you would, for those of us who live in places like the US or Canada. I need to write a post about this, actually, after reading your wonderful piece. What an incredible reminder for all of us.
Nataly | January 1st, 2009 at 9:51 pm
This is bang-on, Kristin. It is so easy to have your life view narrowed as you focus on your immediate family, but I try so hard to remember how good we have it. So many kids live in conditions that break my heart, and move me to action on their behalf.
Our kids are spoiled with love, shelter, community…we are teaching them about kids who don’t have as much and doing things as a family to help. How can we not?
Angella | January 2nd, 2009 at 10:12 am
Bravo! I am bit ahead of you in “mommy years.” My son is 13. I can assure you that as your son gets older, the guilt lightens, and you will see what a tremendous example you are setting for your son, as a productive, successful, contributing adult. Your son will be a better person because of you and your choices.
Your writing is so excellent. You should really write a book!
Lisa | January 2nd, 2009 at 10:29 am
Great post, thanks for sharing!
amy | January 2nd, 2009 at 11:50 am
Thank you! Mommy guilt always tags along with me, looming behind me, ready to take over. I guess I needed some perspective…
ymke | January 2nd, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Wow, well said! Goodbye Mommy guilt in 2009!
Thanks for this.
heartatpreschool (Kari) | January 2nd, 2009 at 3:17 pm
Well said!!
BlapherMJ | January 3rd, 2009 at 8:48 am
Amen!
Mrs. Wilson | January 3rd, 2009 at 11:07 am
Very well put.
And spot on.
MiniHipster.com
MiniHipster | January 3rd, 2009 at 5:53 pm
Kristin, this is the first time I’ve read your blog, and I’m highly impressed. I’ve often said that working moms and stay-at-home moms waste too much time pointing fingers and trying to make the other group look/feel like crap instead of just saying, “This is the right decision for me, but may not be for others.”. Many of us HAVE to work so our children can have not just the luxuries and extras in life, but just the necessities (food, shelter, clothing). I’m a married, working mother of three who know she needs to work, but that hasn’t stopped the rare pangs of guilt about leaving my kids in daycare for 8-9 hours each day. After my first child, I actually had the opportunity to stay home with him, but I elected to return to work full-time. It has to do with my background of seeing too many stay-at-home family members get left holding the kids and financial responsibilities when husbands/boyfriends left them without any financial support, including my mother who struggled for years after my stepfather left her and his child (my brother) without any financial support or remorse. I vowed that I would never let that happen to me by handing financial control of my life over to a man. However, I don’t condemn those women who do. As I said, everyone has to do what works for them.
Last year, I finally stopped beating myself up about it permanently. I realized that I had let society give me the false impression that the best mothers are those who can take their children to weekday playgroups and take them to/pick them up from school. I realized that I sometimes look forward to dropping the kids off at daycare, even on occasions when I take off work for mental and physical recuperation. There was a time when I never would have done that. If I was off, the kids were home with me. But I now realize that my kids love me, and I love them, regardless of whether or not they’re in daycare. They love me because I’m there to comfort them when they get hurt. They love me because I play with them at bath time. They love me because for the weekend trips we take to do those special family things. They love me for the hugs and kisses I give and receive. for the love and attention I give to them. They love me because, despite being a working mom, I do put them above everything else.
Hopefully, your insightful perspective on this will now allow other moms who have to work the freedom to say, “Yes, I work, but the kids are still okay and will be okay.” My mom worked from the time I was seven years old, and I turned out pretty well, despite having a working parent.
LAM | January 3rd, 2009 at 7:27 pm
Thank you Kristin. I needed to hear that as I sit in guilt over similar things for my now six year old son. We are truly fortunate in this world.
Sharri | January 3rd, 2009 at 8:20 pm
Yes. What you said.
Erika | January 5th, 2009 at 11:33 am
Yes.
Robyn | January 6th, 2009 at 10:15 am
yes! yes!
thank you.
ali | January 6th, 2009 at 12:01 pm