Single Mom at Work
with Karli Larson
The transition from stay-at-home mom to divorced-and-working-full-time mom can be challenging, and sometimes very lonely. Throw in a few cats, an ancient dog and one very brave boyfriend, and life gets downright crazy. Join me as I talk through my thoughts and struggles, my miscalculations and my triumphs. We're in this together, you and I.
When I'm not writing here you can find me over at work on the TisBest Philanthropy blog.
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Several weeks ago, my younger brother invited me on a snowboarding weekend with some of his friends. The condo charges were extremely reasonable and his crew of buddies was a group I’d known and liked for years.
“Money’s tight,”I said, frowning,”And what about Nolan?”
I’ve nailed down a bit of a schedule with my ex: he has our son Wednesday and Friday nights and for a bit of Sunday afternoon. But due to his sports schedule, he won’t commit to full weekends once a month anymore and so - I haven’t had a weekend away in months. The Friday nights are fantastic and so I don’t want to complain - but really, to truly decompress: to empty my brain and re-open my relaxation valves, two full days of pure de-mommification are required.
“Mom and Dad will help with Nolan,” my brother replied,”You gotta come. When’s the last time we went riding? When’s the last time you took a snowboarding trip? 2004?”
It was 2004, yes. I remember because I had been three months pregnant with my son. That was five years ago. Five years too long.
I decided to go on the trip, fandangling with my parents and re-arranging and stressing and second guessing myself.
“What if I just paid you the hundred and thirty four bucks?” I asked my brother.
“Are you going to jam?” he sounded disgusted,”Really?”
I had been thinking about it. And quietly decided against it once again, because there was a knowing resignation in his voice and he is my little brother and therefore can’t ever be right when I am.
***
The snowboard weekend was what my soul had been thirsty for.
It was a fireplace and melted brie and laughter so robust it provoked helpless tears. It meant streaking down a mountain on a plank, at the speed of light, with my heart in my mouth and my soul flying over the mountains in the distance. It meant zig-zagging through trees with three athletic men: a feeling of youth, strength, and competence. I’m not just a Mom, I’m not just a Career: I am still a young woman with soul nurturing to do and man, I suddenly realized it.
I am working for Nolan and me, yes. I am working for our house and for the sweet potato souffle we ate for dinner, I am working for his clothes and swim lessons and a helmet for his bicycle. But I am also working for me, for delights besides that of Motherhood and career satisfaction. I need to remember that more often.
What about you? Besides money, besides the basics - what do you work for?
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Above everything else…above feeling more secure, above feeling more at peace…above feeling successful….and surprisingly even above knowing working so there will be some money left over for a rainy day for my child….I work so that I (and we as a family in some circumstances) can travel outside of myself and see the world.
There is nothing…and I mean NOTHING that beats the feeling of walking around in a foreign city…every corner is ripe with adventure, every meal is a memory and every person a character in my memory.
I love love love LOVE traveling and miss it more than ANYTHING at the moment with a 1 year old baby. Am currently trying to plan a trip to Spain this Spring…we’ve resolved that we can STILL travel….we just have to do it differently.
wn | February 10th, 2009 at 7:51 am
For stretched-out summer days by the pool with a book, for picnics on the beach and nights on the boardwalk. For traveling and for staying home.
Meg | February 10th, 2009 at 8:37 am
beautiful post…you have a new follower (and single mom cheerleader)!
Ali | February 10th, 2009 at 11:53 am
GREAT post. I need to carve out some me (not a wife, not a mom) time, too.
Kristen | February 10th, 2009 at 11:56 am
i work for security and sanity and the mortgage. For the first six years of our marriage, my husband was in school pursuing his degrees (yes, it is a plural word). He finished last summer and got a job right away. He wasn’t going to make a huge salary, but it was about the same as what I was making at the time. We moved with our 2 year old son, I got a pay raise, and we finally bought a house that we can envision living in until retirement. I love Kristin’s battle about whether to go on the trip or not. I am battling in mind going for a day trip on Sunday to spend some much needed time relaxing my some old friends. I have finally resolved to just go…..and take off Monday to spend some quality time with my son.
Jen | February 10th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Beautiful post, Kristin.
Besides some security and the basics, helping my parents and treating my grandparents to nice things they never do for themselves, I work for trips to Paris and three hour lunches at our favorite little cafe, for a house which we love and which for an immigrant like me means for the first time in my life having a place to live that I LOVE, for being able to do things as a family that we love and that sometimes cost money.
Nataly | February 10th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
Travel. Because I need to see the world.
Miss Britt | February 11th, 2009 at 11:32 am
Awesome post. I think it’s super important for single parents to have their own play time. Life is for living. My daughter goes to college in 18 months, and my son will follow her a few years later. Then it’s over. They’ll be off on their own, and I’ll have an entire life stretching before me… It goes by fast, believe me.
Have FUN snow boarding!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dadshouse | February 11th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Hi Kristin!
Just wanted to drop a hello! Have been forgetting to read this site regularly. I am so glad you got the snowboarding trip, I know it is about your favorite thing ever.
Jessica | February 12th, 2009 at 8:34 am
I wish I could say I work b/c I love my job, but it’s the financial security/necessity. And yet, as depressing as that can be (”HAVING” to work), it does allow us opportunites to do fun, nourishing things like this! We really need to spoil ourselves every now and then, even if it means taking some time away.
Kristin, did anyone tell you you’re a ringer for Jane Pratt? : )
Amber | February 13th, 2009 at 10:39 am
I’ve been thinking about what I’m working for, too, thanks to the last Desperate Housewives episode (embarrassing but true). My son is still new enough to me that I’m not yet working for a weekend away, but I am working so that I might one day NOT be renovating our tiny house. When that becomes a reality, and I there’s somewhere in our house to go for a little quiet, it’ll be the best vacation ever! Until then, the adventure’s in the [DIY] journey, right?
Leslie | February 16th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
I wanted to connect with you my friend, and this was the quickest way to do it. Reading your posts is just like sitting with you and talking over red wine and pizza! I have been feeling a bit of an identity crisis lately, lost in my role of mama, wife, house cleaner, dog walker, geriatric cat caregiver, etc. I forgot who I am, and what I like. What I like is you! I am so proud of you for all you do, and how you express yourself. You make me remember who I am, and who I was when we were young and debaucherous! We are all guilty of putting ourselves last for our families, and I’m glad you did something about it if only for one weekend.
love Balfe
Balfe | February 23rd, 2009 at 3:25 pm