Single Mom at Work
with Karli Larson
The transition from stay-at-home mom to divorced-and-working-full-time mom can be challenging, and sometimes very lonely. Throw in a few cats, an ancient dog and one very brave boyfriend, and life gets downright crazy. Join me as I talk through my thoughts and struggles, my miscalculations and my triumphs. We're in this together, you and I.
When I'm not writing here you can find me over at work on the TisBest Philanthropy blog.
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I think, much like labor and childbirth, one has to experience the blindsiding pain of kid-addled divorce (or permanent separation from a life partner) to fully fathom the pain.
I’d been through plenty of breakups before separating from my son’s father, and though each one of those hurt at the time, the sting was nothing compared to the devastating pain I felt to lose the Father of my baby: the one man I thought I would spend my entire life with, that we would spend our entire lives with.
In the loss of a relationship with the Father of my son, I lost not only the tender recollection of the memories
our beginnings — a rock concert, snowboarding trips, spring in Amsterdam — but the promise of future memories as well. The combination of the two was lethal and brought me to my bed in the days following the separation, unable to even open my eyes because the tears had swollen them shut. I mourned for Christmas when our son would be five, I cried for the terrible mistakes we both made, I pushed back queasiness thinking of the way we’d irrevocably altered the fabric of our innocent son’s life, by failing at this.
Eventually I got it together: with the aid of some excellent girlfriends, an amazing family, a well-loved career, and a sudden realization that I am a strong, capable woman for the love of all things holy, and I can do this.
Slowly, the days clicked by and I was six months into single motherhood, then a year. I think it was around the year mark, when I caught a whiff of man cologne in the produce aisle at Safeway, that I began to think about the possibility of taking the love plunge again.
Thinking about love as a single Mom is so incredibly different, so much more complex. There is now a child to consider, first and foremost, but there are also the memories of that Failed Relationship, the knowledge of the pain and a deeply ingrained fear of ever going there again. But, there is also an undeniable knowledge of the increased richness of life with soul partner, of navigating the uncharted pathway of life hand in hand with a man who loves you.
I’ve been dating, here and there, and wondering whether it’s worth it to put my heart out there in the storm again. I waffle: should all my attention be focused on my son and the things I must do to raise him? How much selfishness am I allowed? Is a potential partnership worth all the possible shrapnel?
I don’t have the answers here, and I wonder if you do. How long did it take you, post divorce, to stick your toe into the sharky dating waters? Did you find your match, or do you hold hope? Would you be just as happy at home on Saturday night, watching 101 Dalmations for the thirty billionth time? Because often times, I think I would.
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It’s been about a year since I separated from my ex-husband, and I am dating(ish) a guy right now, my first foray into dating since my divorce. And honestly, had HE not asked ME out, you can bet I’d still be on the couch watching 101 Dalmations.
It’s interesting to me that you consider dating to be selfish. I guess I DON’T, necessarily, because I would like to be in a committed relationship again, and have a sibling for my daughter, etc. And I want those things for HER, as much as for ME. (Although I will add as a caveat that my own mother never remarried after her divorce from my dad, and I had a great childhood)
Also, the man I’m dating is divorced and has a daughter as well, so we can do things together with the girls that would less fun alone. And, we can help each other out where necessary, you know? I wonder if you dated someone whose circumstances more closely mirrored your own, if things would feel different?
I don’t know. I definitely have no answers here, but I just wanted to tell you that I relate so…INTENSELY to all of your posts about men, and dating.
Tess | February 24th, 2009 at 8:46 am
Thanks Tess. This is one area that’s not talked about too often - I think it’s tough.
And you know, it’s not that I believe dating is selfish - I just feel slightly guilty about any me time that’s spent away from my son.
Kristin D | February 24th, 2009 at 11:38 pm
I’ve been divorced almost 2yrs. and quite honestly, I don’t know what the heck I want. Do I want a boyfriend for those times I have to myself when my son is with his Dad? Do I want a husband? Frankly, I’m not sure if I want to bring someone into “our” little world. I’ve gone out but nothing serious.
I know I haven’t helped but I wanted you to know I know how you (and others) feel.
Christine | February 25th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Hi Kristen,
I’m not a single mom, but I’m the sister of one and I think the way she handled her relationship was really admirable and it worked out great for the little family that they now have.
My nice was nearly 3 when Wendy met Sam and they took things REALLY slow. My niece had met Sam a few times but my sister pretty much spent time with him solo for the first couple of years until she trusted him enough to bring my nice into the relationship. She wanted him to commit to her before she involved the kid.
He is very kind to my niece and while he’ll never be her dad he is a kind and positive force in her life. She knows he has her back. They all live together and he was very careful to make sure that she (my niece) was on board every step of the way and that it did not impact her life in a negative way.
I don’t think it’s selfish to model mature loving coupled relationships for your kids. I don’t think it’s selfish to want somebody to be your partner, which would give you and your son more security financially and emotionally.
Find a man who loves you, makes you happy and is kind to your child. Your son will benefit from it for his whole life. So many people have important, loving relationships with their step parents.
Hint: Nerdy guys make great partners. They’re smart and kind and can play legos for HOURS without getting bored. They might even play them with your son
Monica | February 25th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
I totally get what you’re saying about not wanting to spend time away from your son. My situation is a little different: the guy I’m seeing is a blast from my past and we currently live several hours away from each other by car.
One “norm” we established early in our relationship is that we almost never talk on the phone while my daughter is awake. We email during work hours or talk at lunchtime, and we have a standing “date” to talk after her bedtime. When he’s in town, we do activities that are suitable for my daughter and usually go out after her bedtime.
I know you’d have to adjust that to fit your Actual Life, but maybe start some dates after N goes to sleep? You’d probably be able to relax a bit better anyway…and besides, any man who is worth your time should understand that you need to spend time with your son.
Also: take it one day at a time. You don’t have to decide all these answers today. You can make today’s decisions today and tomorrow’s decisions tomorrow. Trust that you have enough wisdom today for today’s challenges and that you’ll have enough wisdom tomorrow for tomorrow’s challenges. Trite? Stupid? Maybe…but it helps me.
And I agree that “nerds” make great partners!
Just me | February 26th, 2009 at 10:51 am
“WHY” did I use all those “quotation marks”?! “Please” don’t tell anyone about them!
Just me | February 26th, 2009 at 10:53 am
I’m not a divorcee, but I’ve been a single mom for about 1.5 years. I must say I feel no serious urge to date anyone anytime soon. Our life is so full, and having to make special arrangements for my kids’ care puts a damper on any “sponteneity” that romance used to offer. Sure, I think about it sometimes, but not enough that I would actually take overt steps in that direction.
Someday. For me, the time isn’t yet right.
SKL | February 26th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
I’ve been on 3 dates in six years - haven’t actually dated anyone as in more than one go round.
I too felt that “rip your heart out pain” over the break up with my daughter’s father and quite frankly, I didn’t like dating much before when I wa single.
So I don’t know if I’ll ever get there in any set way. I go out with friends when my daughter visits her father and have been approached by men in those situations and if it seems fun I’ll say yes to a date, but I’m not particularly looking.
Michelle | February 27th, 2009 at 1:05 am