I think believe there has to be a way to parent (as a single parent specifically) that shows your children you love them, but maintain an open eye/mind to the fact that they’re going to try and push the boundaries. It’s amazing how the toddler years and the teenage years are so similar. As toddlers, your kids push the boundaries to see how you will react. Chances are, they’ll repeat the same boundary pushing behaviors when they’re teens….personally, I consider these years practice. I mean, afterall, you’re dealing with your baby who does things that are wrong, who doesn’t quite understand reason, and doesn’t like the word no. Be it 3 or 16, I don’t see much difference other than the fact that the 16 year old can sneak out, where as the 3yo is stuck at home.

I think you’re already an awesome balance of the chill/strict parent…you just haven’t realized it yet.

Hmmm… Different issues.

Pretending that teenage sex shouldn’t/doesn’t exist. That one I can’t get behind. My daughter will know all the risks of sex, and she will know about condoms and birth control. Will I encourage her to wait until she is ready (NOT a teenager)? Absolutely. Will I pretend that she won’t even consider it and maybe even do it? Um, no. BTDT.

My parents let me drink. At home. I didn’t drink at parties and such until I was in college. Was that *because* they let me drink at home, and therefore the rebelliousness and mystery of it disappeared? Probably. It just wasn’t a big deal. And I was too afraid to be out of control of myself (drunk) with people I didn’t trust implicitly.

Marijuana… I saved that one for later, after college, but I doubt my parents would have freaked out if they had known. These are, in my opinion, major “sins.” More like normal adolescent explorations.

Most importantly, I NEVER want my daughter to be afraid to talk to me about anything: sex, drugs, rock’n'roll. Whatever. I will teach her to be careful, to take care of herself, to have moral values. I’ll monitor her activities and her whereabouts closely until she is… older. But I’ll also teach her to think for herself, think through the consequences of her choices. I would never want her to hide things from me for fear of my wrath. Lying is a far worse offense to me than any of the above.

Kristin, I think the fact that you’re even thinking these things at this point ensures you will do the right thing when N is older.

My parents did not really talk to me about sex… like… ever. But after my first date with the guy who would become my first boyfriend my Mom casually brought up that she would take me to the doctor to get the pill if I would like … I was HORRIFIED. Ironically, that is the boy I would later have sex with for the first time.

My parents never seemed overly protective and I think that is why I didn’t rebel. My friend was raised by a very Catholic mother and she rebelled hard core. My parents offered to pay for half of my tattoo if I went to a place they approved. My friend’s (who I actually went to get my tattoo with) Mom threatened to kick her out of the house. There is a very delicate balance between too strict and just right … my parents never let me drink but always said they would pick me up from a party if I or someone who was to drive was drinking.

This is a tough question and I think it torments every “bad” teenager turned into good mom, I sure was one. My parents instilled all the right values, I sure knew there would be consequences…were they to find out. But the thing that scares me is that they did not find out, and should I get in real trouble, and there were oooh so many chances for that - they would have no idea where to look for me or how to help. This is what really scares me. Not that my child will have sex, not that he will try drugs or cigarettes at some point, not that will be really drunk and do stupid things. But that if he does decide to do one of these things and something goes wrong, he will be terrified of asking me for help and will go out of his way, possibly to his own harm to hide this from me and get help some other way. I know that I was….I’d rather ride in a car with drunk friends than call my parents in the middle of the night asking for a ride - I knew they would be furious, blame me for waking them up when they had to get up for work. I was terrified to tell them that this throwing up for two days is a result of drinking…what if that was serious enough that I needed medical help.
So I’m hoping to make sure that he knows that no matter how disapproving I might be, I will always be there to help, absolutely no matter what - and that’s easier to say than to do. I can’t raise him a good person if he is not there to live.
So I will try to share most of my experiences, listen more than teach and advise, advise in non-judgmental way wherever possible and really try to keep his safety in mind above all else.
That’s way too long for a comment, but I was really shocked by this example of “cool” parenting. One of my younger relatives, still living at home was leaving for a weekend trip with her new boyfriend to a city nearby. Her mom’s major concern was that she’d have unprotected sex…..I guess the major worry was that her daughter would have sex overall, and she is over 19. So as she was leaving for a weekend, her mom asked her to be careful (meaning not to get pregnant) and actually offered condoms. The thing is, she has never met her daughter’s new boyfriend, does not know first or last name or his address any contact numbers…nothing. Yet she is worried not about something going wrong, not being able to contact her, but about her having sex while being away from home. She offers not real support - like making sure she has money to get back if left on her own, or to get her own hotel room if something goes wrong. That’s the kind of parenting I want to avoid. Instead I’ll try to give credit to his brains where its due (like being able to have protected sex if chosen after 18), but making sure that I know names and addresses and contact info of friends and that safety critical support is there.

Maria makes a really good point about the parents not finding out. My parents never caught me, even when it was painfully obvious that I had a hangover. They chalked it up as the flu. They were clueless to everything - except premarital sex. Maybe this is why my first pregnancy ever was at 32. They really enforced safe sex if I chose to have sex. But, most everything else, they were clueless. I, too, would have rather gotten in a car with a drunk friend than to call them and tell them that I needed a ride. I do not plan on “helping” my son drink in any way but I will make it clear that he is not, under any circumstance, to get in a car with anyone who is drinking. I will either pick him up - at any time - or pay for the cab when it arrives. I will be happy knowing that he got home safe and not yell at him for hanging out with drinkers or drinking. Hopefully, not being clueless will help us out a lot! I really did need parents to step up and say “I know all the stuff you are doing and it needs to stop.” At least then, I would have felt like someone cared.

Not a mom, but a formerly bad seed who drank, had sex, and used hard drugs as a teenager. My mom would be very strict with certain things, but she didn’t have a problem with smoking weed, and would partake in it with us. I think I had a hard time with her rules, as they didn’t make much sense to me: if I had weed, I had to share it with her…but if I smoked a cigarette, I was grounded for a week. I could take a couple sips off her beer, but if I drank out with my friends, I would be forbidden to hang out with those friends. I think consistency is a big deal. Yes, you should be open and honest about the reality of drugs and sex and all that crap, but you need to set a good example, too. When I was sent to rehab for hard drugs at 13 years old, she told me before I went in that I couldn’t talk about her drug use because she could lose her job. I could write a whole blog post on this, alone.

As a girl brought up by my Dad in a single parent home, he was neither super strict or super lax. I knew how my Dad felt on all the issues (drinking, sex, drugs) We had had the talks about the benefits/consequences of such behavior. I knew where he stood. Did I experiment:? I sure did. Did I hide some from my Dad? sure. But for the most part, I was really honest and I felt like I could discuss anything with my dad. He was there when things got scary and there was never any judgement, although we did talk after.

Hey Kristin!! I read your article and now i just have to contribute. As someone who was raised by wolves, I can give you my perspective. My parents were freespirits with their own active social lives - so I hardly remember them being around at all. We never had curfews, or got grounded…or had to ask before we took food out of the fridge or went out. It was a ‘no holds barred’ environement. Our house was where friends with stricter parents could find refuge. However, even though we were never on a leash - right and wrong was instilled in us from a very young age. There was never any doubt of which was which. Though we often chose wrong…we never felt good about it. My friends with the strictest of parents we always the wildest. Ironically, my siblings and I are all very very straightlaced to this day. I think the answer is teaching your children strong morals and values– about what is good and not so good–and why or why not. But then trusting them enough to use that knowledge to make their own decisions.

This is such a wonderful topic - very thought provoking. I just recently have dealt with the birth control issue with my older-teen daughter; I told her I was glad that she was thinking about her health and safety but that I did want to go on the record as saying I was not in favor of it - and we left it at that. I do believe that you raise your children to know right from wrong, instill all you can into them - and then they make their own decisions. It sounds so much easier in theory than it is in practice. And one caveat to those of you who say you will share your bad mistakes with your children - please don’t share it all. Give a lot of thought to what you tell them. My two grown, married, turned-out -wonderful sons spent quite a few of their teen years telling me “well, YOU did it and turned out ok!”. I wished many times I had kept my mouth shut. Better to be thought of as old and stupid than to have them repeat my mistakes because they figured if I did it they could too.

I grew up in a mormon household so the rule was no group dates until 16, no one on one dates until 18. I hated it at the time, but honestly I really think I benefited a lot from having the time to develop who I was without dealing with being half of a couple. So I intend to enforce the same rule.

I will also say the same thing my mom said to me regarding drugs- please keep in mind that if you do engage in such things that you are cutting off your future options. Now I have a job that I would not have if I had taken drugs earlier in life and that remains the best advice I ever received.

I think where my mother went wrong though is that she never trusted me, even though I never gave proof not to. That constant hovering and distrust created a toxic environment full of lies, half truths and when I went to college I went totally crazy. So I hope to find a middle ground between her and totally lax.

Sky girl, please don’t be fooled that boys don’t have the same pressures as girls do. Most of my friends growing up were boys and were much, much worse than any of the girls I could ever imagine. I mean, they were nice people, but got into tons, and I mean tons, of legal problems. I think that a lot of parents worry more about their girls than boys which is why so many boys are way more out of control.

I’ve been very open with my kids about the things I’ve done in the past and the lessons I’ve learned. Granted, I didn’t give them details that they don’t need or want to know. This wasn’t the path I originally intended to take but I happened upon it due to a big mouth ex-SIL who wants to make me look bad and her brother look like a saint.

Turns out she did me a favor. It was the jumping off point for an open dialogue about the pros and cons of things teenagers confront: drinking and drugs, sex, peer pressure, etc. Because I’ve been honest, they trust me to give them the truth and they aren’t afraid to talk to me and ask difficult questions. Hopefully, they can apply what I’ve learned to their own situations and make smart decisions.

I think it also depends on what kind of kid you get. My parents have rules, yes, but I’m also a square so they never had to worry about me. Youngest brother, though, will probably be the toughest of the bunch, though he really is a great kid.

Wow. If we had the answer to this one, there would be no reason for family therapy.

I don’t think there is one way to parent children. All parents have their own strengths and weaknesses (which hopefully, parenting is opening our eyes to) and every child is different. My oldest reminds me of myself, and I think of how my parents probably said or thought something like “Just wait till you have kids!!” (as in, one just like you!), so like you, I try to strike that balance. In the end, I turned out pretty good, and I do credit my parents’ role modeling of morality, honesty, hard work, and sense of humor to that. Not to mention their complete tolerance of my teenage mood swings and unacceptable behavior!

Children need limits and expect them from parents. I agree with the child development experts when they say something to the effect of “your kid wants you to say no once in a while”. It takes the pressure off them to always say ‘yes’ to their friends- they like blaming it on their parents. Especially when they are teenagers. And, I really don’t think that deep down kids want their moms to be THAT cool. We’re not hot 17 year olds. We’re moms, no matter how good you think you look. You’re 45, it’s not the same. I pity the daughter whose mom can fit into her jeans.

So there’s the balance: some coolness, some rules.
My coolness balance: I learned to snowboard when my sons did, …It was a fun new challenge for me, and it gives me one more thing to relate to my boys about, and it’s a fun way to spend time with them.
And, I let my 14 year old’s punk rock band practice in our basement. And I like all their songs.

My sister and I are separated from our younger three siblings by a gap of 8 years, during which my mom converted to Catholicism and decided she had a quota to fill. She was a newborn Catholic when we were teenagers and exponentially more over-protective than she is today. And yet. Neither of us drank until senior year, had sex until college, or smoked marijuana . . . ever.

These days, my mom is much more lax. Yet the kids rebel. And how.

I think that the bottom line is that no matter what path you choose, some kids will rebel and some won’t. And those that are going to rebel? No matter how lax your boundaries are, they will find them. And push them. And sometimes break through.

My son is 4, and I too hope to find the middle ground. Who knows if it can be done. All I really want is to be able to sit back at the end of the day and HONESTLY say that every single decision I made was motivated - first and foremost - by love.

Wow Kristin you really posed a good one here!! I am not a single mom, but I have had many the same thoughts since my since was born 9 years ago. I was 30, hubby 41 when my son was born so we are ‘older parents’. I was raised by my mom only from age 9 when my dad died suddenly, and my husband is European born - for some background. Althgouh we have a 9 year old, we have parented teen youth exchange students for many years.
I too struggle with being the cool parent . . here is my take. No, I have not allowed my 9 yr old to have a tattoo, earing or mohawk - BUT he does on ’special occassions’ go to school with a purple or orange spiked hair (it all washes out) and we I do frequently send temporary tattoos in place of candy for school parties, and yes I did teach my son’s kindergarten class that ‘boogie feezin’ cold” is when the boogers in your nose freeze when you walk outside. My husband & I both ride motorcycles, have hot rods, live in jeans, enjoy a ice cold beer or scotch or cocktail with dinner or friends. My husband & I joke with each other that we were whores before meeting each other (we both ‘enjoyed ‘ single life) . . . BUT we are also people of conviction, we have stong values in our business and personal life, Christians and active in our church, active volunteer fire department members and both Rotarians.
I let my son play in the mud puddles & diret pile (when he is properly dressed) all summer long. We hold him to high academic standards and are tyring to instill in him the need for physical activity, although neither of us are overly supportive of scholastic sports, nor does my son have an interest but he, by his choice, participates in swim team and Irish step dancing. My son is an avid car nut & train buff.
I am all about responsibility. I believe strongly that , even at 9, HE is responsible for his actions. There is a clear message from us that you do have choices - we will provide you as much guidance as possible, but ultimately if you make a choice it is you that has to live with the consequences. Fortunately he is not the first one to jump in to any scenario - be is walking or activities at school. Since a toddler, he has always assessed situations critically, almost to say if I do this what are the potenital outcomes - once he feels comfortable with knowing the potentials then he jumps in with both feet and has proven himself to be very adept at handling the outcomes, even if there were multiple outcomes - he adpts well on the fly. If I can only foster this through his teenage years!!!
So I guess being the cool mom is something that you have to define for yourself - I am the cool mom because he is allowed to get covered in mud - he washes!! And I am the cool mom becuase sometimes we have milkshakes for breakfast I am the cool mom because I have a hot rod. To some, I am not cool becuase I don’t tolerate swearing or misbehavior - I am very strict in that respect. I do not condone bad grades, With regards to my teens, I do not condone sexula permiscuity in teens - as they are not capable of handling the potential consequences. I do not condone drug use - it is illegal. I would not purchase or provide a venue for teens to drink alcohol as THAT is illegal, but I do allow my children to consume alcohol in my home, with dinner or as part of a family celebration - but under supervision - we are talking a glass of wine or a beer - not a case or lining up shots!
Thus far my son and my exchange kids have rated me as a cool parent. - but a strict parent. They respect that fact that they know the lines and pay if they corss them. They have not always agreed or liked my rules, but they do accept that they are given choices that I feel they are capable of handling AND that those chioces THEY are reponsible for. It is a give & take - the more they prove themselves the more choices they are given to make. I will love them, care for them & provide for them but I will not bail them out of situations that they’ve knowingly gotten themselves into.
So I say cool mom - strict mom CAN be synonomous.

This is a great post and one that I spend a lot of time thinking about…. My parents were very strict and I didn’t really rebel; certainly not as a teenager anyway. I drank plenty through university but no more than all my peers. I’ve never taken drugs, I’ve smoked a few cigarettes but only as a kind of social experimenting in my early 20s, I didn’t have sex till I was an adult.. My husband also had strict parents and he also didn’t really rebel, in fact he’s never even smoked a cigarette… So I think they must have done something “right” and yet I think both of us would rather be less strict with our children. Both of us grew up feeling that we couldn’t be honest with our parents about anything that they might consider serious, even just listening to certain types of music or watching some films etc. Both our parents were very religious I guess; we are still Christians and bringing up our children in that too but probably less “religious” than we were as kids…. I suppopse I’d like our children to have our values because they want to have them and not out of fear at our response or at our attitude if they do rebel. On the other hand I think that at 15 I maybe needed my parents’ boundaries to be my conscience for me and that maybe allowing more freedom would have meant that I would have rebelled more…. Don’t know the answers. Do hope my kids turn out more or less as we did. Do suspect that we won’t parent them the way we were parented and will then discover if that was a mistake!!