This is an interesting topic indeed. I became a stay-at-home mom about 4 years ago. Boy was it a transition. I have JUST NOW been more comfortable with my new role. But just because I stay home doesn’t make my job any less important because I don’t bring in any money. The mom is the heart of the family, while the husband is the head (literally I mean, brain). We have different roles and we have to or we wouldn’t be able to coincide. Granted, every relationship is different and we all work out things to make it work. But in answer to your question, I don’t think that either one of us is necessarily doing it better than the other. It’s very complicated. Women have a lot on their shoulders. Our roles have changed, but men’s seem to stay the same. It never changes for them. When we go to work, they tend not to pick up some of the responsibilities of the children, well some of them don’t anyway. The care of the children still lies on us, for the most part. My husband is not like that, but I have seen a lot of relationships end because roles change and the other is not willing to pick up some of the responsibilities of the other. These kinds of things are important to get out in the open before marriage and before children. I wish my husband and I had done that, but we are doing the best we can with our own situation.

So it’s not whether one is better than the other, but how we are coping with it as a couple. And that’s the thing. The kids are OUR kids, my husband’s and mine. So we both take care of them, it’s just in different ways, and I’m happy with my role.

I see where your friend was coming from, but I hope our generation can look past previous gender roles and realize that life is possible with both men and women helping with the children and with every day chores. Maybe I’m hoping for a utopic society that will never exist, but I refuse to lose hope!

Great post!!

Possibly the reason that more (?) couples divorce “nowadays” is that women are no longer forced to remain married so that they have financial support. I wouldn’t call that a bad thing, necessarily. The fact that women have earning potential gives them more power and control over their own lives. If I am in a bad or abusive marriage, I have options. I can get a divorce because I know that being a woman and a mother is no longer a liability in the workplace.

I am in the younger gen X group: I’m only 30 years old, and I didn’t have a “Leave it to Beaver” upbringing. My parents both worked, but I wouldn’t consider myself a “latchkey kid” either. Yes, there were times when my sister and I were home alone in the afternoons after school when we were old enough to handle it. But it certainly wasn’t a problem. And I NEVER felt cheated or robbed in any way by having a working mother. Many of my friends’ mothers worked. Some didn’t. I didn’t notice or care, particularly. I’ve always looked up to my mother as a smart, strong, hardworking woman who did what it took to provide for our family and to be excellent in her profession so that she could make a difference in the lives of others. Now she’s pursuing a doctorate in her 50’s and I couldn’t be prouder of her.

I think I do a pretty good job of balancing family and career. I’m a full-time mother. I have dreams for my daughter, and I adore spending time with her. I’m also a professional. I have further aspirations, goals, and dreams of what I want to accomplish in the world outside mothering. I don’t see any reason I won’t be able to accomplish everything I want to do. True, I am choosing to take my time in my career and not “climb the ladder” as quickly as I would if I didn’t have a child, but I’m fine with that. I’ll get there, eventually.

My relationship with my husband hasn’t suffered a bit because of my career goals. He is overwhelmingly supportive of whatever I choose to set my mind to. As I am of him. He knows that we BOTH make our choices after considering how our family will be affected and after consulting one another.

I think EVERYONE, mothers and fathers, make choices that lead to balance or a lack thereof. I’ve seen some men make the same slower-paced-career-progress choice I have made in order to focus on family more. More power to them. I think our corporate culture is far too demanding anyway and not accomodating enough of EVERYONE’S family lives, men and women.

Oh me too - I love that we try our darndest, that is. My life is quite busy - married, 7 month old, full time demanding job, trying to start my own business - and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I love the hustle.

My mom was one of the first WOHMs, starting around 1970 when her then 5 kids were from preschool to primary school age.

She would not agree with your friend’s assumption that SAHMs had no resentment over making the beds and such. She always wanted to be a housewife/mother only, but once in that role, she couldn’t stand men’s condescending and disrespectful attitude toward that role. Having to ask the husband for money for every mundane purchase, having hubby and his friends belittle the wives’ contribution because it didn’t involve cash, etc. Let’s face it, men don’t come home from work and marvel at how shiny the kitchen floor is! One day my mom left a note on the table saying my dad could heat up the leftovers in the fridge since she had taken a job. My dad was horrified, but not long afterward, it became “our norm” to have two working parents. My folks are still happily married and would never agree with the theory that WOHM meant the end of domestic happiness.

I never had any choice in the matter as my ex decide the “whole dad thing” wasn’t for him when she was about 2 months old. But even when I don’t love my job, I like working.
My mom was a single parent from the time I was 5 and worked at least part time all my life so I guess, that is what seems normal to me. My sister however did her best to be a SAHM for as long as she could, because she really didn’t like not having our mom around when we were young. Same upbringing, two viewpoints.
I think I’d love a job where I had some flexibility to do volunteer work at the school, take an afternoon or two a week. My boss at my last job had that type of arrangement and that would be great. But I’m not sure, given the opportunity I’d ever stop working completely.
I suppose I try to have it all (except my house is never clean!) but I think that is where my happiness lies. And we all know “if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”

I think the biggest difference… is that my mother didn’t feel like she could leave my father since she had no skills, no money, no job.

When you keep your independence (especially financial), you don’t have to stay. You can live your own life.

And your friend is wrong about one thing… plenty of boomer moms were resentful. That’s why they pushed their daughters to get college degrees and have independence. Have him check out the Feminist Mystique and he’ll see just how many June Cleavers were faking their smile.

A bizarrely superficial post. Just to break down your friend’s statement:

“There was no resentment about making the bed and packing the lunches,”he said,”Because it was balanced by the fact that Daddy’s bringing home the bacon.”

He’s making an historical claim about the absence of an attitude. How does he demonstrate the absence of something he can’t see? You make the same claim about not seeing bitterness by your mother. Because you didn’t pick on it didn’t mean it wasn’t there. Not to mention, you don’t have to pick up much of the literature or scholarship of the time to know that when women — and men — feel free to talk about the resentment of their lives, they do. In men it was manifest in the mid-life crisis. They resented their jobs, their wives, their families, so they chucked them all when they had a chance. And women grabbed a handful of valium.

Because resentment comes from not ever getting to do what you want, when other people do, or at least have the options to do it sometimes. It doesn’t matter if dad “brings home the bacon” — what that means is he leaves for much of the day, deals with adults, works on something the he’s chosen to do (even if that, too, got old). Believe it or not, it’s not a “balanced” tradeoff, to receive money in exchange for spending all of your days FOR YEARS with children. People love their children, yes, but would you want them to be the ONLY people you deal with for most of the day?

“Now, often, Mom and Dad both bring home the bacon, but Mom’s expected to cook it and then clean the dishes and Dad still kinda wants to hang on the couch after dinner with his socks balled up on the floor and… it’s messed with everything.”

If by “everything” he means “every privilege that men had.” Do you think women don’t also want to “hang on the couch after dinner with socks balled up on the floor”? But that’s not what’s “expected” of mom (by whom?) or what “Dad wants” (oh, it’s Dad who expects the cooking). So, basically, he’s complaining that women are working more, and his life of home leisure is the same, and he wonders why women might resent him?

For the record, I work and cook and do the dishes, and my wife works and supervises homework and puts kids to bed and gets them up and off to school. You could also call that “balance.”

Thumbs up, Dash!

Oh - forgot to mention - My hubby lost his job - I make all the money - His idiea of cleaning the home is - picking up the kids from school and providing a snack - huh?
then most of the time he doesn’t even clean all the dishes!

cannot believe the hypocrisy of some men -
I’m with my hubby cause I love him - I can also let him know that he needs to keep looking for a job that’s suitable -
A woman was never meant to take it all on - seriously -
The man is supposed to provide - at least, that’s the way I wish it was for me.

In response to Jen, above– In my situation, I stayed home because I was the one nursing the baby (and we BOTH felt very strongly about exclusive breastfeeding, for a bunch of reasons that worked for our family and that I won’t go into here). Then I remained home because almost 2 years had passed, I was newly pregnant with my 2nd, I planned to nurse her exclusively too, and it would have been crazy for me to try to find a job only to have a baby in a few months and leave again. Later, I stayed home again b/c 2 more years had passed since the birth of my 2nd, and I didn’t miss the intense stress of my paid career. So, not every at-home woman is oppressed. It’s a really hard job–thankless at times–but it’s my choice. My husband would trade with me if I really wanted that to happen.

The most telling part of what he said is this: “Now, often, Mom and Dad both bring home the bacon, but Mom’s expected to cook it and then clean the dishes.” Exactly. This is going to be harsh, but maybe a small part of why he got divorced is because he thinks like this. (Sorry, but I’m taking a class on this so I definitely have opinions.)

Hey Kristin!

You inspired me to write a blog post response to your article. Love being inspired! Check it out at - http://www.stressedoutmomblog.com/?p=94

Would love to hear your thoughts on my thoughts!

Take care,
Sigrid