Single Mom at Work
with Jennifer Mattern
Feeling singled out? Get singled in with me: single mom, two kids, zero disposable income. Sometimes, life just sidles off in your preferred direction without you, and it takes a while to wrench your heel out of the sewer grate and catch up. Let's talk, sistas.
Find out more about my street cred at Breed 'Em and Weep.
I really hated being pregnant.
I can say this four years after the fact, with a twinge of embarassment, knowing that there are so many women that struggle to conceive, that want nothing more than to brew a new life inside of them. But I’d be dishonest if I said that I was a glowing, radiant pregnant lady. The fact is: I was a cantankerous, beligerent, swollen and crotchety preggo, counting down the days until I could just. Get. The. Baby. Out of me.
Part of it was vanity: I’d been slim almost my whole life and my ballooning body parts simultaneously horrified and astonished me. I didn’t expect the back fat, the swollen feet, the giant hips. Superficially again, I was disgruntled that men no longer even glanced my way: I felt asexual and totally unsexy. And finally: I was uncomfortable: gaseous, nauseous, and perpetually headachy.
But. The moment of my son’s entrance into the world has etched itself into my brain and soul and there has never been a more profound, beautiful, perfect moment in my life. Suddenly, my heart was outside my body and I felt a love so perfect, sharp and exquisite that it made me gasp, crumpled me, reduced me to overflow capacity with joy. And in the almost-four years since, I’ve realized that there is nothing more important to my being, than my daily joy, than the fact that I am my son’s Mom. I’m now forgetting the drudgery of pregnancy. I’m thinking more about whether I want to have more kids.
***
I am hurtling toward my mid thirties, and realizing with uncomfortable clarity that each day, my fertility declines. I’m in a fresh relationship, one that is bursting with promise. If I’m honest, and if you read me elsewhere, you’ll know that I am pretty sure that the man I am with now might be man I end up with. I’ve fallen pretty hard.
We talk a lot, about everything, and even though we’re only a month and a half into our relationship, the subject of kids has come up, randomly.
People tell us we look alike, my new man and I, and so we were talking lightly one night about whether our potential offspring would look like us, too. My tone, I think, was blase, but my heart was racing. Crap: this is no longer an obscure “maybe one day…” It’s now a real possibility.
And the other day, when my monthly cycle arrived with its prompt efficacy, he jokingly made a remark: “No little munchkins, then.”
“No,”I laughed, and though the chances of that physically were very remote, and though I want nothing less than to be pregnant right now, I sighed a little inwardly. I only have a few years left of fertility: if I am going to have another baby, I’d better do it in the next three years or so.
My boyfriend has been married and divorced, but he doesn’t have kids, and I can’t imagine denying him that, if it’s what he wants. But if I do ever have another child, my own son will be at least 6 or 7 years old - and his sibling would be a half-one, and the rammifications of both of those make me sweat a little.
Plus - there’s my career in corporate digital ad sales - I love it, and I don’t want to pause it when I feel like I’m on my way up, immersed in a career I love. And really - my cut off is age 37. I don’t want to try and have babies after that. I was tired with a newborn at the age of 30 - how much harder would it be seven years later, with a seven year old used to seven years of exclusive attention?
I wonder - do you have a “cutoff” age for additional children? Do you agonize about this as much as I have been?
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Wow, I can’t believe you have such a low cut-off date. That’s the age I was when I had my son and I didn’t think twice about it at the time. And you’re far more athletic/energetic than I am by nature. I think you’re selling yourself short as far as a cut-off date goes. I’m 43 now and Still feel like I could possibly try again with success. Sure fertility goes down but if it’s good/normal to begin with, it’s still OK even years later (or so the doctor told me). Most women don’t have kids over 40 because they’re already Done by that age but I know several woman who easily had kids at between 41 and 43 without fertility treatments or any special effort. My mom had my little brother at 40 and she did say it was hard for the first few years but as you already know it’s So Worth it. All I’m trying to say is don’t put unnecessary pressure on yourself. I know there is secondary infertility for some people and I’m not trying to sound dismissive of possible problems, I just think setting an arbitrary (in my opinion) age like that isn’t helpful.
Just to sum up, I’ve read you for awhile and know for a fact that you are far more high-energy than I am and in better physical condition but I had no problem having a baby at your cut-off date so please reconsider. (Especially as far as the tiredness aspect goes–I know that with fertility it’s less predictable but you seemed to be more worried about it being too difficult to have the baby, not to conceive it, hence my long-winded response).
Elizabeth | June 30th, 2009 at 3:59 am
My husband is one of four. Three full siblings and one half brother. His half brother is surprisingly a mirror image of my husband even though their fathers look nothing alike. There is also 14 years between my husband and this little brother. The thing is, they love each other something wicked. My husband was there for the birth of his brother and old enough to get how awesome his brother is. I also have a brother (full) that is 19 years younger than me and really, I don’t think an age difference like 7 or so years in children is any big deal.
In regards to work, hell - I can’t help you there.
Stephanie | June 30th, 2009 at 6:22 am
Hi Kristen.
I love reading your blog. Just a bit of my story-I am married, but with many problems. One being that my husband has informed me that if we don’t have another child, he will begin divorce proceedings. He doesn’t do much around the house so it all falls to me. I take care of our daughter when I am not at work. I cannot imagine adding another child to this situation. However, I have seen how my daughter reacts to other kids, especially babies and think how can I deny her a sibling? I have a sister and can’t imagine life without her. I am 40, so my cut off date, whether I like it or not, is right in front of me. I hope you find your answers and are happy with them.
ramseyquipp | June 30th, 2009 at 7:13 am
When I was young, I had a son I gave up for adoption. I hated being pregnant and although I loved that little boy the moment I laid eyes on him, I couldn’t have been a mother.
But I never forgot how much I hated being pregnant and really, having children as I grew up was the last on my List of Things To Do In Life. Actually…it wasn’t on it at all.
Then I met my man and it sounds like your relationship has taken the same course in about the same amount of time that we did. A couple of months into it, when he told me, “I want to have children with you…” my legs buckled. My heart soared.
I was 31. Amelie was born when I was 33. He’s a year and a half younger than I am and we’re both exhausted all of the time, but apparently, we have an abnormally energetic child (so sayeth her doctor and just about every parent who’s met her thus far anyway…). For that reason, I do not want to have any more children.
My son is in loose contact with me and is already a renaissance man who, at 14, prefers classical music, opera and reading tomes that I’ve never heard of (and probably couldn’t comprehend if I had). He’s an opera singer with an internationally known choir as well. So, I’d say that I did OK on his end by choosing the perfect family for him.
My daughter is just…silly, headstrong, independent, hilarious - a musician, comedian and artist already. (I’m saying that somewhat tongue in cheek - please don’t take it as being something it’s not!). To that end, with two beautiful kids in this world, I’m done anyway.
But, if I changed my mind somewhere along the line, I don’t really have a cut off age set in stone…though I think that saddling kids with “old” parents isn’t always fair to them either. I have a couple of friends in the twenties who have a parent who’s in their 80’s!
I do wonder though…is having a half sibling so bad? I’m adopted, as is one of my brothers. The other two were surprises to my parents who were told that they would never have kids. So, of 4 kids, only 2 are “related” at all, but we’re all siblings. My son, adopted…his sister is also adopted - from the Honduras. And Amelie is his half sister, whom he has met and cuddled and considers just another sister (actually, he proclaimed her to be a beautiful miracle. The kid is unlike any 14 y/o boy I’ve ever met…) And I’ve known plenty of families with half siblings raised together who never even batted an eyelash at their 50% genetic bond.
Ultimately, if you want to have another child, your physical health and desire for that child should be the ultimate deciding factor. Age may or may not determine that. 37 isn’t all that old to have a child…and I know my poor mother was 38 when she had the youngest of our brood (though they treated her as though she was ancient and in mortal danger of losing her life back in the mid-80’s, 38 is considered only moderate to moderately low risk now).
Whatever your decision, it will be done from the heart and, from what I’ve read, peppered with a good measure of sense and reason. I wish you luck in your choices.
Phe | June 30th, 2009 at 7:28 am
Agonizing RIGHT NOW. Here’s what’s going on in my mind on the subject…
- Didn’t mind being pregnant…. but had a NIGHTMARE delivery (seriously, all joking aside, permanent scars and all) what if…holy hell it would HAVE to be a c-section…but then again hello, opting for surgery? Am I crazy?
- Had a rough first 6 weeks with insane baby…BUT baby magically settled at 6 weeks and has been pretty easy since then. What if 2nd baby is insane for longer than 6 weeks? Can I do insane for longer than 6 weeks?
- Love travelling…have so many dream trips left to take…how does one do this with child(ren)? It’s a *bit* easier when there’s just one that can be left with inlaws (as in this September for us, again). Must admit breathed BIG sigh of relief this month when period showed up because Japan will be WAY not as fun if I am pregnant (related, was pregnant in New Orleans, it was about as much fun as you can imagine, BAH!)
- Also approaching mid-thirties (34)….and see that window starting to narrow…stupid fertility window.
- Am in best shape I’ve been in for awhile though….SO…in that sense, things are pretty good.
Christ…hard hard HARD decision…..and I have a legal partner….whom I love…. but only LIKE about half the time….
wn | June 30th, 2009 at 7:52 am
My theoretical cutoff date was 40, though I know some people who had successful, normal pregnancies after 40. If I’d been married, I might have stretched it to maybe 43.
As an adoptive parent of two girls who are not even remotely biologically related, yet are sisters in every sense of the world, I wouldn’t worry about the “half-brother” status. If your concern is the step-father versus bio father thing, that really depends on what kind of man you are dealing with - and if he’s likely to make a good parent to Nolan alone, I’d think he’d figure out how to be a good parent to a bio and step kid together.
Was I exhausted when I became the single parent of two at age 41? Yes, but that was temporary. I needed to find my (our) rhythm. There are plenty of times when I’m tired, but that’s also temporary. The physical restrictions of age are more than offset by the benefits of greater maturity and wisdom. And the benefits of each of my daughters having a sibling are incomparable.
SKL | June 30th, 2009 at 8:11 am
I had a very difficult first pregnancy. I hated being pregnant. I was miserable and sick and on bedrest. And recently found out that I am pregnant again. YAY! I so want a second child. But I think, how on earth can I go through this again? One day at a time, I suppose. And this will be the last time. Maybe it won’t be as bad as the first.
I’ve already started getting the “So, are you going to quit your job?” No. I’m not. I love my career and I’m good at it. I’m not really sure why people would ask that, anyway.
My cutoff for kids was 40. I didn’t want to have children past 40 because I just couldn’t imagine being 60 years old and still having minor children at home. Luckily, I don’t plan on any more after this second, and I’m only 31. So that worked out.
Robyn | June 30th, 2009 at 8:34 am
Hello! Yes and YES! Totally get this.
One reason I’m happy to be dating a divorced man with two kids is that there is no pressure to have more. We have three all together, which is a nice-sized family for me, and since we are both divorced we still have every other weekend to ourselves WITHOUT kids. It’s really best of both worlds, for us.
But, that being said, I think we would both consider having kids together if either of us felt strongly about it. Even though I ALSO hated being pregnant, and I think we are both secretly relieved to be out of the baby stage.
Tess | June 30th, 2009 at 9:57 am
I absolutely had a cut off age. I still get questions about having a third child and I just can’t imagine being pregnant and taking care of two smaller children as I approach 40. It was tiring at 31 and 35!
Sharon | June 30th, 2009 at 10:05 am
I am at my cutoff unfortunately. I just turned 40. I had my son when I was 36. I’m not dating anyone, there are no prospects on the horizon, so I don’t see myself having another child. My son is such a great kid and when I see him interact with other children, it breaks my heart that he will not have a sibling. I’m trying not to dwell on it because there really isn’t anything I can do about it. These are the cards I’ve been dealt.
If you want more, have them while you can. You are still very young, healthy and active. You have some time yet.
Christine | June 30th, 2009 at 11:25 am
I suppose it’s extremely responsible to think about a cutoff date for kids..but honestly, the thought has never crossed my mind. I figure if it’s meant to be, then it will happen. Props to you for looking to the future.
I’m sure what’s meant to be will happen for you and your amazingly hot new beau!! Chin up chica…life sounds very awesome right now.
Stacy | June 30th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
I have two half brothers, 7 and 9 years older than me, and they are my heroes. For what it’s worth.
squandra | June 30th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
I’ll state that I have half-siblings and a “full” sibling if you will. My brother was so far from me in age (14 years) that we knew each other really only as adults but I always called him my brother, and he called us his sisters. We only ever used “half” to clarify to people who seemed confused. The other we never knew, so she’s a half-sibling to us, knowledge of existence, but we have never spoken/met. So really, it can go either way.
On the whole concept of siblings; with my daughter being 7, and me being 29 when she was born, the sibling window is closing. Two years ago she was asking for a baby brother for Christmas, that’s pretty much stopped, until we get glimpses of how lonely life can be without a sibling.
Last week at the park she asked two different children to play and both rebuffed her wanting to play only with their own siblings and I wonder, is this going to be her entire life? She was crushed; she is afraid of asking again and being rejected again, and I think the “I want a brother” talk is going to rear up because of it. Do I adopt knowing I’m doing it single this time? Or do I hold out 3 more years to see if Mr. Right appears? Tough decisions.
Mich | June 30th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
No cut-off age here. I wish I’d been pregnant before I was 30, but due to all kinds of things I was 34 when I had my little girl (and will probably be 37-plus when/if we’ll ever manage to have a second baby). I loved being pregnant, my delivery was ok, but our baby had to spend 10 days in NICU. I expected a completely healthy baby (she is now) and cried and cried and cried some more.
And then - back to your question - the two of us came home and my wonderful boyfriend had been taking care, and took care of everything. I just sat on the couch for weeks, doing nothing but holding our little girl, my body already bounced back but my mind in pieces.
And now, eight months later, he still makes sure I have something to drink when I nurse her, that her diaper gets changed, that he takes her for a walk when he feels I need some alone time, that he texts me when he’s out for a beer with friends to tell me he’s having a great time but looks forward to be home with us again. It’s those small things that keep me sane.
I guess your new man will make all the difference in a new (and planned) pregnancy, from what I’ve read about him. You won’t be as tired with a new baby when you don’t have to fight and - better yet - don’t have to (basically) be the only one responsible.
Emma in Amsterdam | June 30th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
I have three kids “by marriage” and then two more “from scratch.” When my youngest daughter — my first baby — was born, someone asked one of my stepkids how he felt about his new little “half sister.” He replied that she was just his sister… she’s too little to understand fractions.
The “half” refers to genetics, but in terms of their relationship, what matters is how you raise them. Half, whole, whatever — siblings are siblings.
I can’t speak to the cutoff issue… My cutoff was the fact that our youngest will enter Kindergarten the same year our oldest goes off to college…
Lylah | July 1st, 2009 at 10:29 pm
Well, I’m done having kids, I’m 34. I have two and am perfectly happy. My husband has a half brother, 13 years younger than him. They couldn’t be closer. In the younger years they weren’t, but in the past five or so years, they’re as thick as thieves. Siblings are siblings, half or not. Don’t let that decision hold you down, great relationships can form at any age.
Marice | July 2nd, 2009 at 7:10 pm
I’m late to the party but I just needed to comment. Seriously don’t worry about the “half” sibling thing. My cousin’s parents are divorced and remarried so he has 2 sisters on my side of the family and 2 sisters and a brother in his father’s family. And he thinks of them just like that - sisters and a brother, not half-sisters and a half-brother. My aunt had this to say on the topic: “they’re the ‘fullest’ siblings he’ll ever have.” Are you going to have another baby with your ex? No. So if your son is going to get a sibling, it’ll be a half-sibling, but I promise he won’t think of them that way.
And I wouldn’t worry about the age gap either FWIW. Your son would have so much fun teaching his little brother or sister to swim, climb a tree, ride a bike, get into mischief etc.
Rachel | July 8th, 2009 at 10:25 am