Single Mom at Work
with Jennifer Mattern
Feeling singled out? Get singled in with me: single mom, two kids, zero disposable income. Sometimes, life just sidles off in your preferred direction without you, and it takes a while to wrench your heel out of the sewer grate and catch up. Let's talk, sistas.
Find out more about my street cred at Breed 'Em and Weep.
It was quiet in the Safeway as the sun dipped down in the parking lot outside. I blew a wisp of hair out of my eyes and unloaded some green and red peppers on to the conveyer belt as my son played with a packet of Transformer stickers and my boyfriend (which man - is there no good alternative to this word? I am in my thirties and saying the word boyfriend makes me feel like I am 14) was loading bags into the grocery cart. We were making quesadillas for dinner: veggies, wraps, salsa and benign items lined up in a row.
There was a blip as the cashier scanned a white onion and then a loud, startlingly clear voice asked:
“Mommy. Why are you and my Daddy not friends?”
I froze, vegetable in mid air in my hand, and looked at my clear-eyed son.
“What?” I was numb, and I glanced sidelong at the cashier, looking for help.
“My Daddy,” he said impatiently, obviously wanting to know,”Why are you not friends with my Daddy?”
For the love of Pete. I didn’t know where this was coming from, the boy is not even four and as far as I know, his Dad and I are pretty civil with each other at pickup and drop off. But kids are smart, and full of intuition, and yes- I guess it’s obvious that we don’t sit on the beach and have strawberry cake together.
I locked eyes with my boyfriend. This deserved some kind of answer, but oh dear god, I had no idea what it was.
It was like the entire Safeway had gone silent, and I think seventy billion minutes passed before the cashier muttered quietly, “Kids say the darndest things.”
I gaped at my boyfriend like a fish sucking air, he stared back wideyed, and the man behind me in line pretended to read the Star. Katie Holmes and Angelina Jolie probably never have to answer these questions.
“Nolan,”I bent close to the cart and touched his hair,”Daddy and I both work together to try to give you the most fun possible. We both love you so very much.”
He waited, non-plussed, knowing fully I hadn’t really given him an answer.
We walked out of the grocery store and I hugged my son tight as I put him back into the car. My boyfriend is a very good man, but undoubtedly, his presence has raised some questions with my son about the relationship between his father and me.
At this time, I have no idea how to answer him.
Subscribe to blog via RSS
“There are different kinds of friends . . . .” When I say “a friend of mine” in a conversation, what I usually mean is somebody I know. Instead of getting into the nitty gritty of why your relationship isn’t what “you” think it ought to be with your son’s father, just help Nolan to honestly and simply define the relationship that “is.” Try to keep your own baggage out of it. He won’t need to get into that until he is much older.
That said, you might want to sit down tonight and think of all the questions that are likely to come up in the near future - for there are many - and prepare your answers in advance.
A gentle suggestion - not to get into the religious stuff - but it rubs many the wrong way to see you using words like “God” and “Jesus” in the way you have here, and in lowercase. I would consider this a public blog.
SKL | July 14th, 2009 at 7:47 am
I guess “Because your Daddy is a bit of a douchebag” is not a reasonable answer, huh?
OK but seriously…I’ve been reading you here and elsewhere for a while now and feel like I know the history enough to say why Nolan was asking. He sees you hanging out and making quesadillas with boyfriend, and knows that you and boyfriend are “friends.” It just popped into his mind to ask why you don’t hang out and make quesadillas and be “friends” with Daddy too. I’m pretty sure it has nothing to do with negative vibes that he gets from either you or his father, separately or together, since you do work very hard to be civil and friendly and cooperative in your arrangement with him.
No, this was more a little-kid curiosity thing, which he probably forgot about shortly thereafter.
Of course you could just say, “Why Nolan, I *am* friends with your Daddy. Why do you ask that?” Then maybe he will let you in on something he has observed that you’re not even aware of. Could be interesting.
Good luck!
Groovymarlin | July 14th, 2009 at 10:16 am
My parents divorced when I was little too, and my mom at one time had so many boyfriends, I lost count…but I digress…
Little kids are very intuitive, and know when things are awry, even when they are small.
I might come up with a vague answer to settle his little mind, but later, I would probably sit with him one on one and talk about how he feels.
It is hard as a kid, to see your mom or dad acting as if they don’t really know each other…take it from me. I think there needs to be more than civil with one another, unless there was a difficult divorce. My parents now sort of get along with one another (my dad married three times, yes, count them three) and now they mostly get along with one another.
However, this answer is best coming from you, and not me…
Good luck.
Gia Saulnier | July 15th, 2009 at 7:19 am
oh, how i dread the day my child asks me this question…or this sort of question.
i suppose something like, “well, because we just aren’t,” would be too simplistic? it might work, if said in a casual, straight-forward tone with no hint of sarcasm.
if that’s not enough, maybe you could take it down to his level, “well, you know how you go to school with _______, and you like him/her, but you just don’t see each other except when you’re at school? well, it’s like that with daddy and me: we just don’t see each other except when we’re taking care of you.”
certainly there will come a time when he will realize that you were obviously more than “friends,” but that won’t be for a while.
Just me | July 15th, 2009 at 8:56 am
I think that was the perfect answer, Kristin.
Robyn | July 15th, 2009 at 8:58 am
I actually think it’s great that he had to ask. My parents divorced when I was one and by the time I was Nolan’s age I’m sure I knew why they weren’t friends because of what they would say about each other. Kudos to you for keeping it civil.
Kate | July 15th, 2009 at 10:00 am
This is funny to me, because my ex and I try very hard to maintain a more friendly relationship.
Now that the child support fight is long done with we talk, politics, baseball, innocuous stuff that leads to discussion not debate.
And my daughter does not like it! Bye mommy! Very pointedly if we’re in conversation when picking her up or dropping her off for a visit. She seems to prefer daddy not come in and have a PB&J sandwich with her, or mommy have a cup of tea with daddy.
It is interesting your son seems to have such a different view.
Mich | July 15th, 2009 at 11:55 am
I’m dreading the questions too and I thought I had more time to deal with it. My son is three and yours is starting to ask things at 4. That scares me a little.
Christine | July 16th, 2009 at 11:29 am
Kristin, they are soo smart already at this age. I have a son tiny bit younger than yours and he is so quick to pick up any fluctuations in my relationships with his Dad. I read your blog too - things like you described don’t go unnoticed. I prefer to keep things as close to the truth as possible. My response would be “I try my best to be your dad’s friend. However, there are things that he does that really hurt me, that people don’t do to their friends. We both love you so much, more than you can imagine.” Best of luck with your son and your ex. You are such an inspiration as a mom, athlete and human being. Thanks for posting about these issues.
Maria | July 22nd, 2009 at 11:43 am
Hey, Kristen. When kids ask questions like these they usually really just want to know everything is going to be ok for them. Kids are intuitive and even if separated parents are civil, a kid will pick up the tension underlying the polite exchanges. You don’t have to lie or gloss over what he’s feeling and it’s best not to because that will only add another layer of anxiety as he realizes no one will acknowledge what he’s detecting/seeing/intuiting. What you can do is say “mommy and daddy are working through some difficult times and you don’t have to worry about me or daddy. We’re here to care for you and we’ll sort out all of our problems, the way adults are supposed to.”
As long as he knows he’s not responsible and you’re taking care of everything and his life will be secure, you’ll have reassured him.
Lesley | July 26th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
P.S. With all due respect to Maria’s comment, I disagree with her method or example of what to say.
I would not get into how daddy sometimes hurts your feelings (not that you would, I’m just sayin’) because that just forces a kid to take sides and brings them into the adult mess.
Kids should not be made to choose, or feel that they have to be sympathetic to one parent over another; at least when they are four. Kids need to be told that these are adult problems that will be handled by the adults involved - even if the adults behave like idiots and assholes sometimes, it’s never the kid’s responsibility or concern.
It’s not their job to hear one side or another, offer condolences or sympathy, or care one way or another. They need to be reassured that the adults will take care of things.
Lesley | July 26th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
JUST TELL YOUR KID THE TRUTH!! It’s not so tough to do, REALLY!!
Glenn | August 4th, 2009 at 4:54 pm