Single Mom at Work
with Karli Larson
The transition from stay-at-home mom to divorced-and-working-full-time mom can be challenging, and sometimes very lonely. Throw in a few cats, an ancient dog and one very brave boyfriend, and life gets downright crazy. Join me as I talk through my thoughts and struggles, my miscalculations and my triumphs. We're in this together, you and I.
When I'm not writing here you can find me over at work on the TisBest Philanthropy blog.
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I’m typing an instant message, responding to our sales assistant, with one hand and scrawling a note with the other - Thursday, 6:00, dinner with T?
I’m talking to my good friend Tammy, making dinner plans for us and our kids for Thursday night.
“That sounds really good,”I say into the phone and my stomach panics a bit as I think - can I make it out of work and out to dinner by 6? What about my boyfriend, he’ll be on his own. I have two columns due and I wanted to work on that freelance stuff Thursday. Maybe I’ll wake up early Friday instead, get some stuff done.
“It’ll be really good to see you guys,”Tammy says brightly into the phone,”Ash has been asking about Nolan, it’s been weeks and she misses him.”
“Aww,” I say and I think about the fact that my fridge contains only half a container of banana peppers and a handful of blueberries. There might be a rotten cucumber in the produce department. Grocery shopping will have to wait too.”We”ll see you Thursday at 6:00.”
When I hang up the phone and close off my IM conversation, I open up my email: 27 unread, 4 requiring immediate action, 2 very important proposals are perilously close to being overdue. I think about the fact that the towel rack needs to be hung and I have a major ant war going down in the kitchen. Even though I really do want to see my friend and her daughter, I’m already thinking of ways I can get out of it. There’s just too much to do.
***
I’ve always had a tendency to overcommit, and I fear I’ve gained a sometimes flaky reputation because of it. My intentions are good: I don’t want to disappoint people, I want to be a good friend, I want to take on that extra piece of freelance work and do a bang-up job for an acquaintance who’s given me an opportunity. I want to make a salmon dinner for my boyfriend while engaging my 4-year-old and sporting lean legs. I aspire to be an earnest, reliable friend to all the girlfriends who’ve been so good to me.
I hate saying no. I feel inherently that I can somehow squish 40 hours worth of stuff into a 24 hour period. And then I realize, for the umpteenth time, that I cannot. That I have disappointed someone again. It’s worse since I became a single Mom, and often I feel like I have to choose one: friends, boyfriend, son, or work. If I try to spread myself out between all four, I become pretty useless to any of them.
***
On Thursday at 5, I have a 6 figure proposal due in an hour. I haven’t yet gone to get my son at daycare, and my fridge is still perilously empty. I’m guilty because I didn’t get to my run yet today, and really I don’t have the excess cash to be spending on dinner in a restaurant for Nolan and I. I grit my teeth and feel awful and, inevitably, pick up my phone.
“Tammy…”I say.
“I know. It’s OK. Next week.”she says sweetly, used to my cancellations and perpetually forgiving. She’s a single Mom too, but somehow she never flakes on me. I want to know how she does it but I fear it’s simple: she doesn’t over commit. I have to learn that one, and it might take me some time.
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I understand the overcommitment thing. It is so hard to balance life and work and friends. I have an idea about the groceries though. Have you given a thought to SPUD! They are a good alternative and they deliver! Let me know (you have my email) if you want a code to get some money off your first 4 orders.
Gwen | August 9th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
As someone who too often gets cancelled on (my pet peeve) - don’t cancel! Or try not to. Get take out or something.
justJENN | August 9th, 2009 at 9:37 pm
I have to say “no” a lot, lot more than I’d like to. It’s just the nature of the beast. I have many good friends with whom I correspond mostly by email. I’m lucky if I see most of them once a year.
SKL | August 9th, 2009 at 9:43 pm
Hey K! As someone who *used* to really over commit…I get it. I still do it occasionally but it’s more of an exception than a rule (this has recently changed).
How did I change it? A friend (a v. good friend) took me aside one day (after I had canceled on her twice for a girls night) and told me that she thought I (and I am not saying this applies to you, so please don’t read into it, our facts are materially different)…was being selfish because I didn’t want to give up ANYTHING in my life…she was right…I did want to have it all.
BUT…there aren’t enough hours in most people’s days to ‘have it all’ unless you have some SIGNIFICANT help (which I do not). The fact was that I had people, friends and family which all wanted my attention as much as I wanted a flatter stomach or a better position on that board of directors, these were competing interests and I ahd to own up to that…
She told me that being selfish is FINE…but that it had consequences….and that at some point I would have to decide whether that ‘board meeting’ or that ’saturday morning pilates class’ was really what was important…and if so…then great…but if not, then I had to make changes because my friends (including her) would not always agree to be put off to a more convenient time.
It hurt like a punch to the gut.
So I did. I now say NO more often, I really do. Even if it’s REALLY against my nature, I plan ahead and try to figure out stuff ahead of time (god that sucks)….I indulge myself less with saying “I’ll do it tomorrow”…because often tomorrow there will be something else which is equally important.
It did take a friend to call me out tho….I know things are crazy for you right now with a new relationship, good job, an ex. that doesn’t provide much (if any) support…but as as your internet friend, I am just warning to be weary of being ‘there” for your friends who were there for you when you needed them.
At some point, one of them might call you on your need to have it all…..it happened to me…and as much as I was mad at her (at the time)….I am happy she did because now that I have gotten used to it…it feels pretty nice to say NO.
Much love!
N
wn | August 10th, 2009 at 6:09 am
I do this too - but I don’t cancel a lot. I just stress myself into nausea and force it all to come together. If your end up getting any good ideas/tips on how to say NO (it should be so easy - we say it to our kids 50,002 times a day!), I would love to hear them.
Phe | August 10th, 2009 at 9:39 am
Well, I guess I really don’t say “no” as much as “let’s set a date in [September].” I try to be realistic but once I set a date, I really do try to show up. It does cause me a lot of stress sometimes, and that is why I don’t try to do it all the time.
I also try to combine social time with other things as much as possible. Like, “the girls and I are going to __ on the 18th. Since you’ve been wanting to get together, would you like to join us?” If my friends expect kid-free time, they will have to settle for a lunch on a weekday.
In the case of your friend, Kristin, would she be OK with going grocery shopping together someplace, followed by a picnic at a nearby park?
SKL | August 10th, 2009 at 10:37 am
I second SKL’s comment about combining things. Chances are if your friend is a single busy mom too, joint grocery shopping dates could benefit her as well.
I used to have problems saying no. I had to start slow so I learned to say no for now. If I was too busy to meet a friend that week, I would be honest. I would tell her, “this week is pretty full, how about next week or later this month?”
People tend to be more receptive to no for now than a no period. Or cancelled plans. After awhile, I stopped making excuses or trying to overcommit myself. I just said no and felt ok about it. No one wants to hang out with an overly stressed Cheryl anyway.
Good luck and hang in there!
Cheryl | August 11th, 2009 at 9:24 am
I totally understand how you feel as I sometimes feel overwhelmed by the amount of things that I have to do. However, saying “no” in the first place is always better than cancelling. It really, really bothers me when people cancel on me so I try to avoid cancelling at all costs. Even with that, though, I still have way too much to do. The only time I had to shop for my sons school supplies and groceries was when I left work early with strep throat. Between that and going to the doctors office, I didn’t get home in time to rest at all before having to pick up my son. However, had I not done it then, his supplies would not have been to school on time as they were due the next day. It’s a never ending list of things that have to get done. The worst is when people, with or without kids, just don’t get how much stuff I have to do each day and pressure me to join them.
Oceans Mom | August 12th, 2009 at 11:15 am
I long ago realized I can’t have it all. So I really will say no to dinner with a friend on Tuesday (that’s laundry day) but I know then I can say yes on Thursday. I have 2 nights of babysitting because I work late, but I know I can combine extra adult activities into those nights as well. Ah yes, life planning.
My 2 cents - your friend Tammy sounds like a gem, you really need to push something else off to have dinner with her next week
Mich | August 13th, 2009 at 11:12 am
I am a yes woman, too. But eleven years into a wonderful career, the ‘Yes Factor’ is beginning to catch up to me.
Everyone wants something from us. Job expectations, family expectations (your kids, husbands, boyfriends, mothers, siblings, even the family pets), Neighbors and friends, kids’ school activities, teachers and events…all those little things that are important to the OTHER person.
Stress WILL kill you. I didin’t believe it, but it is true. Just Google ‘cortisol.’
DO say NO more often, to everyone.
DO build in time for yourself and your son.
DO say yes to the important stuff at work.
DO cancel at will.
DO NOT say yes to needy people - you know who they are (and so do they).
DO NOT feel guilty. You are only human, girl, and your time is precious.
Almost everything can wait a little while, and often the little things will work themselves out without you.
To all you Yes Women out there, just say NO.
Learn how to prioritize, not apologize. It may save your life.
Best,
T.
tm | August 13th, 2009 at 11:20 am
Hi Kristin,
I’ve been following (and enjoying) your various blogs for several years but rarely comment. But, I’m reading a book now that addresses how to balance work/life for high-performing professional women and that great, practical advice on how to prioritize and say no. It’s phenomenal and I think every women should read it (and some men): Womenomics: Write Your Own Rules for Success by Claire Shipman (Good Morning America) and Katty Kay (BBC News). http://www.amazon.com/Womenomics-Write-Your-Rules-Success/dp/0061697184
Anne | August 17th, 2009 at 10:22 am
Girlfriend, I’m the ‘no’ queen - and was once a “YES-AHOLIC” -
I got real last year and decided ‘Mama can’t do it all’ - Even when friends asked favors - or when I felt taxed - I had a ‘come to jesus’ meeting and decided, “I am a grown woman. I can say NO, if I want to.”
Now that I am almost 40, it’s becoming more and more real to me that I have the freedom and right to turn down events/requests/ and all kinds of things -
There are friends of mine who are ‘users’ too - Girlfriends who won’t call unless they want to borrow your ‘card table and chairs’ set -
USERS I’m done with too — Only want you and hubby to show up as an afterthought, when they realize their first set of friends decided not to come -
I am done — they know it too —
And some who don’t know it, and still don’t get it, they’ll catch on. No doubts -
One thing is for sure, “what folks think about me is really none of my business.” My mama taught me that!
LARRAH | August 29th, 2009 at 4:18 am
The key is, knowing yourself and your limits. Some people can overcommit and still get everything done because they are ridiculously organized. Or they never procrastinate. If you aren’t and do, then you have to learn the word No.
Kim | August 31st, 2009 at 7:33 am