Single Mom at Work
with Karli Larson
The transition from stay-at-home mom to divorced-and-working-full-time mom can be challenging, and sometimes very lonely. Throw in a few cats, an ancient dog and one very brave boyfriend, and life gets downright crazy. Join me as I talk through my thoughts and struggles, my miscalculations and my triumphs. We're in this together, you and I.
When I'm not writing here you can find me over at work on the TisBest Philanthropy blog.
Oink: Single mama swine flu freakout
Categories: Fighting the Stereotype, Sleepless in the Board Room
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My mama didn’t r
aise no piggies. I can speak real nice on the telephone, either when forced to at gunpoint, or due to freakish illness of either of my wee lassies.
“This is the answering service for the pediatrician’s office, ma’am.”
“I realize that. But I am a good citizen with a sick kid and I’m trying to figure out THE PROPER AUTHORITIES TO BOTHER.”
“What’s her temperature, ma’am?”
“I don’t know. We lost the digital thermometer in the flood.”
“What?”
“In the Great Depression. In the potato famine of 1846.”
“Excuse me?”
“Look, I don’t have a working digital thermometer. Just trust me, okay? She’s burning up. It’s worse at night. And she has red eyes. Like Exorcist eyes. Except she’s sweet. Bless her.”
“You need to get a digital thermometer.”
“I know that, but I also need to feed them this week and make a car payment and buy some oil so I don’t have to burn their artwork for heating fuel.”
“You really need a digital thermometer. I can’t assist you properly if you don’t have a digital thermometer.”
“I’ll put it on my Amazon wish-list. But I’m her MOTHER. And I can tell when she’s got a FEVER. We’re doing the family bed thing? Because her dad and I split? So she can sleep next to me when she’s sick? And the dogs and the cat slept with us too? And I swear they were even sniffing her funny last night. Like they smelled ham. Could that be a sign?”
“Ma’am. Is she coughing?”
“Absolutely. And sneezing. And I let her read New Moon? And she fell asleep in the middle of it. NEW MOON. Werewolves. Vampires. She’s eight.”
“Are you getting fluids into her?”
“Yes. And one piece of toast.”
“Tylenol? Motrin for fever?”
“No. She projectile-vomits it.”
“Excuse me?”
“She has a terrible gag reflex. My brother always had a terrible gag reflex. It’s in the genes. She smells the cherry Motrin coming and she pukes all over the bed. Again, very Exorcist, without the demonic possession.”
“Well, you have to get that into her.”
“You try to get that into her.”
“Ma’am, you have to bring the fever down.”
“I realize that. That’s why I’m calling YOU.”
“They have different flavors.”
“Oh, really? I had no idea. I lost my sight in a terrible neon-glove shopping accident in 1984 long before I reproduced.”
“She’s going to need to see someone. You’re going to need to call the office when they open.”
“I thought the office didn’t want sick kids in the waiting room. I called you because I’m alone and I haven’t slept for three days and I’m freaking out and I’m trying to be responsible.”
“You’ll need to call the office at 8:30.”
“That’s the protocol in pandemic times? Will we have to wear masks? Does the Limited Too carry tween-sized flu masks? And what should I do with her sister? Will shestop asking me to play the Tea Party Game? Will I ever find a decent career? Why do other bloggers get book deals? Why do my breasts unfurl like cartoon tongues when I take them out of my bra at night? They never did that before. I think I smell ham. Do you smell ham?”
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What, you mean I’m not the only one with a continuous worry loop in my head?
Also, I’m quickly reaching the conclusion that digital thermometers are actually Satan’s handiwork and that is impossible to legally obtain one that will 1) measure the same temperature twice in a row, even if the time lapse between the two measurements is mere milliseconds or 2) fit back into that handy carrying case that came with it, rendering said case useless and making it nearly impossible to remember what you did with it because, DAMMIT WHY ISN’T IT IN THE CASE?
susan | November 18th, 2009 at 12:02 am
Oh honey, this is good. Dr office red tape—totally arbitrary.
Is she on the mend yet?
Mama JJ | November 18th, 2009 at 5:08 am
Hang in there. Hope she is better soon.
Momsy | November 18th, 2009 at 7:52 am
I had a digital thermometer that I bought before the kids came home, and it died long ago. I never used it. When my kids had a fever (gosh, how did I even know), I used mommy common sense to bring it down. Take off their shirt, wet their skin with tepid water from time to time, give a tepid bath, etc. Affectionate human touch also brings fevers down. In the extremely rare case that I still felt I could fry eggs on their forehead, I would give a half-dose of baby Tylenol. And not call the doctor.
My nanny used to keep taking my kids’ temperature as the fever went up, so she could proudly produce the written evidence and suggest artificial intervention, instead of working to get the fever down. So I was glad when the thermometer went on the fritz.
I finally bought a new thermometer after 2 years, because every time I would say “she has a fever” people would say “how high is the fever,” and when I couldn’t answer, well, what kind of nut was I? What did they do before thermometers were invented, is what I’d like to know.
I only called the doctor for a kid’s illness one time, and that was because my daughter’s throat was involved. I wanted to make sure it wasn’t strep. I’m pretty sure that both of my kids have had swine flu, and I’m really glad of it, because now we can relax and enjoy the holiday season.
I’ve recently started thinking that maybe I take all this in stride because of where I live - we have winter half the year, and pretty much every child gets colds and flus every winter. It takes a lot to freak us out; certainly a mere fever isn’t going to do it.
SKL | November 18th, 2009 at 8:41 am
Love you!
Keryn | November 18th, 2009 at 9:01 am
I’m sorry your little one is sick. My 8 year old had it back in September. My only advice is to disinfect everything she touches. I was obsessed with the lysol wipes cleaning light switches and door knobs and the remote control. Thankfully the rest of us managed to avoid it. (knock on wood)
AmyT | November 18th, 2009 at 9:29 am
Thank you for your comment, SKL; that was exactly what I needed to hear this morning! I was up half the night last night, annoyed because I knew my daughter had a fever and the damn digital thermometer (that cost $60 by the way) never gave me a reading over 97. I called my Mom, who was no help, reminding me instead that a digital thermometer shouldn’t cost that much if it’s not going to give a correct reading and so maybe she didn’t have a fever after all and I shouldn’t give her Tylenol. Of course, I took her temperature in the first place because only because I didn’t really want to give her Tylenol and just wanted to confirm that her fever was not in fact high enough to warrant it (but, I knew this all along because it was not, in fact, egg-frying fever). Then, the thermometer threw me into desperately trying to prove that she had a fever at all, though now that daylight has come, I can’t for the life of me remember why that was so important in the first place. And in all that commotion, I probably spent less time than I should have actually comforting my little girl. When I get home, I’m throwing the damn thing out and I’m not looking back.
Jesse | November 18th, 2009 at 9:29 am
Phew, it seems like they never dealt with humans before at that pediatrician’s office. My parents never owned a (digital) thermometer, and I’m not that old!
Brilliant piece of writing, thank you! And good luck with the fever-girl…
nicolien | November 18th, 2009 at 9:43 am
Oy, swine flu.
Your pediatrician’s answering service sounds a lot like ours except ours always offers up the “there’s always the ER” answer if they can’t (won’t) reach the doctor. And the ER when you aren’t suffering a heart attack or bleeding out is certainly the tenth level of hell.
Hope everyone is better soon.
Meredith | November 18th, 2009 at 9:50 am
Should I feel guilty for laughing loudly at your misfortune? Sick kids aren’t funny, I know. We lost our digital thermometer in the Great Alaskan Migration of ‘09 and I have no interest in replacing it. Caroline Ingalls didn’t have one — no Motrin either. All the best to you, mama, and your sweet sick girl.
amysue | November 18th, 2009 at 11:04 am
That was our life last week. Complete with neurotic, confused calls to the pediatrician. It does pass, but ever so slowly.
BTW- I bought one of those digital head-scanner thermometers. The kids actually think it’s fun and kinda sci-fi.
Mrs. Q. | November 18th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
“Why do my breasts unfurl like cartoon tongues when I take them out of my bra at night?”
Alas, mine too. Still don’t have an answer. In the words of my two year old niece: “It’s because you byestfeedin’?”
YOU. ARE. AWESOME.
nana | November 18th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
aww, love you Jenn. Hope wee one feels better soon, and keep that fabulous wit!
Yvonne | November 18th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
My little one has had swine flu since last Wed. Certainly not fun. I hope Sophie is better soon! Mothers know when the kid has a fever. We don’t need no stinkin thermometer! Hope you and Hannah don’t catch it!!!
Meghan | November 18th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
No great advice, but lots of comment love. I don’t use a thermometer that much either. The heat and the bleary eyes always clue me into fever.
Amy | November 18th, 2009 at 8:26 pm
I’m dying! That was hilarious. And I share your frustration at the stupid pediatrician answering service- they’re useless!
Katie | November 19th, 2009 at 8:14 pm
When my daughter was born, she and I brought a cold home with us from the hospital, and on one of her first nights with us, we thought she had a fever. We decided that we should take her temperature (with our brand-new digital thermometer), and that my husband should do it because he could sit better. He got the baby’s diaper off. He got the thermometer out of the case and into the plastic thingey. He got the baby onto his lap, and stuck the thermometer up her tiny little butt. And she pooped all over him. And that was it for the thermometer. Lights out!
Fruitfly | November 20th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Why not just lie and say that the digital thermometer says 100? You’re talking to an answering service, not a triage nurse.
Rachel | November 20th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
We’ve been there and done that. I have a digital thermometer but have a 17 month old wrestler who will NOT allow it in his mouth. Now when I got sick last week, I felt like I was run over by a truck and couldn’t have wrestled anyone for love or money, but when he got it the week before, my healthy self couldn’t restrain him for 2 minutes. Sigh. They are miracles aren’t they (silently strangling chair arms instead of toddler). Hang in there Jenn, much love!
Jen Lewis | November 20th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
“Caroline Ingalls didn’t have one — no Motrin either.”
Yes, and children died of common ailments and infections. If you were really worried, why not go to the ER?
Rachel | November 20th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
Almost hate to mention this but you can get suppositories for a child that can’t take oral meds. I have a kid that has seizures with fevers, so we’ve had to resort to that a few times. Not pleasant for any of us, but it did bring the fever down…
Hope your Sophie is feeling better by now. This flu is a bitch. My Sophie hallucinated when her fever hit 105…
anonymom | November 20th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
Oh my god. I am laughing and laughing. The cartoon tongues! Oh oh oh!
And yes, the peds answering service makes me completely nuts. They may as well just leave an answering machine on that says “give em 2 tylenol and call us in the morning”.
And you have to lie about what their temperature is, if ned be.
Suzy | November 22nd, 2009 at 2:17 am
Feel the love…. : )
Mater Inter Alia | November 22nd, 2009 at 10:58 pm
Ha! Nice cultural references! Sickness is scary. Thank you for writing about it.
Kate | November 23rd, 2009 at 9:24 am
Oh, Jen, that is…heartbreaking and funny all at once. Who knew that a digital thermometer was required to get medical advice?
Booa | November 23rd, 2009 at 1:23 pm
You remove your bra at night? You are brave, brave soul.
I laughed several times during “New Moon.” Inappropriately, I must add.
I am now the mother that is guilty of stereo-typing vampires, a transgression apparently worse than the one where I didn’t get a present to a party at a roller rink on time and it resulted in my daughter being hurt while playing softball.
The fever shall go. The career? I’d love to say the career shall come or something like that, but after two days of vampires and multiple attempts to read her writing, I feel like a failure.
Maybe we can come up with a new monster? And get hot men to play them? And fawn over us?
How did you know, Jenn? Wow. You could totally be my doctor; he, too, pegged the delirium.
Kisses. Make that air kisses for now.
Jenn | November 24th, 2009 at 12:36 am
Oh, how I know your frustration! have you tried mixing the medicine in with a bit of juice? that sometimes helps here. Hope everyone is feeling better, soon.
Kris | November 25th, 2009 at 2:05 am
I’ve had a horrible long involved week. Extended family being awful, work beckoning (which is good right? I have a job, a job that pays me every week! wherein I can afford a birthday and christmas stuff and still do food and gas!), and loss of childcare and a move.
This blog note was so cathartic, the mom trying to be patient and ready to come through the phone and grab the person on the other end and say “human, I’m a momma on the sick child relief aide society and You’d better step aside” but trying to be calm, funny, mild, because the call involves getting valuable and useful information that pertains to the childs well being.
The cartoon …well I know the feeling.
k | November 29th, 2009 at 11:58 pm
I love how she switches from ‘you have to get a digital thermometer’ to ‘you have to bring her fever down!’ What, the theoretical non digital thermometer confirmed fever? And you smell ham.
hilarious
angie | December 12th, 2009 at 3:30 pm