Single Mom at Work
with Jennifer Mattern
Feeling singled out? Get singled in with me: single mom, two kids, zero disposable income. Sometimes, life just sidles off in your preferred direction without you, and it takes a while to wrench your heel out of the sewer grate and catch up. Let's talk, sistas.
Find out more about my street cred at Breed 'Em and Weep.
I am going on record and having a mug and a bumper sticker made. The holidays are ridiculunkulous and completely unnecessary. They drive otherwise normally abnormal souls to the brink—single, paired, what-have-you.
Turns out the poor French teacher with the Irish surname at the kids’ grade school was just trying to get a damn chocolate log. Well, at first I thought she wanted a cake shaped like a mouth, and I thought, My, that seems rather lewd for the holidays, for a grade school, but you never know with those naughty Frenchies. But then I realized the sweet woman wanted a few good parents to make a few good buches (not bouches, my bad, no, really, my C+ in AP French).
I volunteered to make my own concoction, a ghetto buche, out of Yodels, paste (what? paste: not just for fat kids anymore!) and icing out of a Betty Crocker cardboard vat. This concept made Madame laugh, the sound of twinkling stars coming out to play over the Eiffel Tower. Her laugh made me love her more than I already do for being a French teacher with an Xtreme Irish surname and chronic holiday buche-depression. Apparently, getting parents to bake les buches? Ce n’est pas facile, jamais! Non non, mes amis!
I digress, but I do not. Chronic holiday buche-depression in a grade-school French teacher is simply one clear sign that WE ARE ALL ATTEMPTING TO DO FAR TOO MUCH. Why SHOULDN’T we be able to knock a buche out of the park for Madame? BECAUSE WE ARE STUFFING GNOMES WITH LED LIGHTS AND GLUING THEM TO OUR ROOFTOPS. Alors! Pauvre Madame!
What was I doing when Madame and I were having this brief exchange? Readers, I was rolling on my belly on a yoga ball in the pre-K room in front of the oven. It was all very Sylvia Plath, position-wise, but I was attempting to set aside my own holiday torpor to bake for the kindergarteners. Who have no oven.
Do you need to know that the kindergarteners have no oven, and thus, that I needed to flop around on a birthing ball like a Beluga whale in front of the pre-K oven to attempt my own ATTEMPT AT FAR TOO MUCH?
Yes. Yes, you do. Because part of ATTEMPTING TO DO TOO MUCH AT THE HOLIDAYS is NEEDING TO TELL PEOPLE HOW MUCH YOU ARE DOING DURING THE HOLIDAYS.
A sign went up outside the kindergarten. If I had had a trench coat, I would have hid in it and flashed myself by an old lamp post. But no—the school’s beloved kindergarten teacher (and my dear friend) had spotted me.
“Yup,” she said. “It’s that time. Stop hyperventilating. You can talk about any holiday tradition you want.”
I stared at all the blank time slots. Damn it to heck. I knew my ex would swipe one and do some fabulous Hanukkah project, possibly involving forging iron menorahs from scratch. Other parents would bake cookies, tell tales of snuggly Christmas eves and Kwanzaa mornings past. Even the Festivus parents might come out in full force.
“Pine cones. I could…I rake…I could…silver aerosol spray…an inconvenient truth…WE COULD PAINT PINE CONES AND…AND DO A SANTA JIG.”
“DO you paint pine cones and do a Santa Jig?”
“Of course not. What the hell would that look like?”
“Just bring in something from one of your Christmases,” she said, holding out the pencil. “Nobody expects you to make sugar cookies.”
I muttered non-holiday words under my breath and snagged the first slot. Which brings me, Readers, to the Beluga Belly-Sylvia Plath pose in front of the oven.
We made Shrinky Dinks. I went in to my daughter’s kindergarten class. I dumped a bag of Shrinky Dinks, circa 1978, on the floor of Circle Time, and my theme was roughly this: SOMETIMES THE BEST HOLIDAY STUFF IS THE WEIRD STUFF THAT YOUR MOM OR SOMEBODY ELSE’S WEIRD MOM SHOWS YOU HOW TO MAKE, YAY!
I only wish I had been able to find the Shrinky Dink Nativity Set my mother made. That has the power to convert. It’s around here someplace.
Readers, I may not be able to make a buche, or a cookie, but I made Shrinky Dinks with the kindergarteners, and not one Shrinky Dink curled up like a dead sea creature, or cracked in half like a broken, brittle heart. They stayed flat and groovy. When the kindergarteners got back from Art Class, I had their ornaments ready and transformed. And weird. Distinctly weird.
I am proud of this, Readers, but I am WIPED. I am WIPED, and SANS BUCHE. And the HOLIDAYS KEEP COMING. I just checked my older daughter’s Christmas list, only to find she asked Santa for a Price Chopper (”the store”), possibly proof that she is not getting enough vegetables at this household and wants to keep a third residence for good produce and good measure.
AND THE HOLIDAYS KEEP COMING. They want their daddy to come over for an hour or two on Christmas morning.
AND THE HOLIDAYS KEEP COMING. Family members need gifts.
AND THE HOLIDAYS KEEP COMING. I haven’t sent Christmas cards out for several years. “Hi! We split! Got a little itty-bitty Virginia Woolf there for a while but everybody took my rocks away! Ha! Ha! Girls are great but they like Daddy’s house better! I just want to be held! Do you think I’m still pretty? Don’t answer that! You should see what the meds did to my tush! Wanna visit? No, I don’t want you to either! Ha! Ha ha! Merry Christmas!”
AND THE HOLIDAYS KEEP COMING.
Unnecessary. Ridiculunkulous. Bah, humbug.
Madame, I have the solution to your buche issues: a Groundhog’s Day buche. Nobody’s busy then with all of this stupidity. Plus: If it’s a mess, we can blame it on the damn groundhog, and the kids will go wild.
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I’m not sure what this says about me or the holiday spirit, but this is by far my favorite “holiday” post this year.
Velma | December 8th, 2009 at 10:25 pm
Ah, but taking the time to write this and have me wiping tears of laughter away? The best present I could get. Thank you. Now, off to Google images to look up a buche.
patois | December 8th, 2009 at 10:42 pm
egggggzactlyyyyyyy! omg, you is funneh, sis!
xoxoxoxoxol
Lisa | December 8th, 2009 at 10:49 pm
Agreed. I’m trying to think of a word to describe those in the race to have THE most perfect everything (house, tree, card, pictures, etc…) during the holidays: holiholics? Nah - they’re not addicted to holihol. Holidics? Oops - sounds too much like “hollow dicks”, which might be somewhat appropriate considering what happens to those who overextend themselves putting up the outside Griswoldian light display, but not for both genders.
All I know is I’m feeling holiphobic. Not a big fan of this time of year, but I feel compelled to keep up the smiles, cookies, and giggles for, of course, the kiddos. They deserve to associate the season with light, laughter and love, not loss like I do.
Sending hugs (of the non-denominational variety) your way -
Amy
Amy Bucher | December 8th, 2009 at 10:50 pm
Oh, and p.s. i thought it was odd when K asked for a Slap Chop from Santa, but i have to say i’m relieved it wasn’t a Price Chopper because…wow…how are you gonna pull that one off?
xoxoxol
Lisa | December 8th, 2009 at 10:51 pm
I just saw a prior year’s Christmas card sent to my friend by her daughter. It was a homemade card-a picture framed by red and green construction paper and silver glitter all over the place. The picture was of my friend’s daughter and her four young children. They all looked a little frazzled-unbrushed hair, food on face, messy house in the background. I think one of the kids might have been crying. The daughter was looking right into the camera with this “yeah this is our daily life what of it?” sort of face. No done-up tree, no matching outfits, or dog with reindeer antlers. It left me filled with an unspeakable sort of love and adoration for this woman and her family.
bridgett | December 8th, 2009 at 11:37 pm
Mwah and mwah, I kiss you on each cheek because that was awesome, and I don’t just say that because I used to be a French teacher with a Scottish/Irish last name, but because I am now a SAHM/soccer mom with an injured leg who wants to stay home and sulk and say to hell with the holidays, when do we have the airing of the grievances?
Oh, wait, I think I just did my airing…
mamasutra | December 8th, 2009 at 11:52 pm
Santa Jig! Now I have to try to imagine that.
K | December 9th, 2009 at 12:21 am
Do you know how busy I am? How completely insane my life seems to be? And yet, I have to read EVERYTHING you write. Because you are hilarious. And great.
Miranda | December 9th, 2009 at 1:57 am
I always feel guilty about not being one of *those* moms. I am not perfect, and would probably make both June Cleaver and Martha Stewart cluck their tongues and shake their heads in pity.
I do not make ornaments with my children. We tried to make a wreath out of the kids’ hand prints as a family, but during it, me and the hubby started arguing, and I left the room in a huff. I decorate, but only kind of. I do make some cookies, but at some point during the process, I turn into the wicked witch of the west and throw everyone out of the kitchen. I do make fudge for my husband to take to work so he can look cool. Everyone “ooh”s and “ahh”s over it, but I’ll let you in on my secret, it’s the recipe from the back of a condensed milk can. Shhh!
meghann | December 9th, 2009 at 2:27 am
Well said. Of course.
In our effort to curb the Christmas crazies, we nixed the gifts (just wrote about it, in fact). It helps quite a bit. This way I now have lots of time for all the crazy Christmas cooking. But I love doing that stuff.
Mama JJ | December 9th, 2009 at 4:36 am
Totally identify. I am due in on the last day of my kids class to “share”. I thought about bringing booze and an angry man to demonstrate my childhood Christmas tradition. I think Shrinky Dinks are inspired.
zoesmom | December 9th, 2009 at 6:15 am
My daughter seriously begged me for the shrinky dink tree this year, so it’s one of her gifts. I bet that the kids were thrilled.
http://mbeans.com/faber-castell-shrinky-dinks-holiday-fun.html
I only do cards every couple of years, when I’m inspired. And now, with Facebook, I might blow them off entirely. Actually, my MIL does Valentines cards for the same reason. But I thought YOUR card was hilarious.
We’re having people over on Saturday and my plan was to grocery shop today, and now the freakin’ SNOW has ruined it. But the kids are happy. . .
Katie | December 9th, 2009 at 6:33 am
LOVE this! Actually had a similar idea for the buche with ho-hos–glad you had the eggs to actually offer it. And I think you should send out the sample card at the end. Everybody appreciates the brave ones who try to keep it real during the holidays. I once sent out a holiday card of the girls fighting and it was the best received one to date.
Kate | December 9th, 2009 at 6:36 am
Most of us do try to do too much during the holidays and it backfires. Rather than being the happy, fun family time it’s supposed to be, it’s an insane rush with cranky children and even more cranky, stressed parents. When I’m feeling tempted to go overboard during the holidays (or any special occasion), I try to remember how I felt when I was a kid. My parents were divorced. My mom worked very hard to just meet our most basic needs. She could never afford to give us Christmas as she envisioned it should be. So she was sad and stressed and cranky and depressed. She couldn’t buy me that new bike, but all I wanted was for my mom to be happy. Or at least to relax and realize that the stuff she thought mattered didn’t really matter so much at all. The best gift we can give our children for the holidays is ourselves, as stress-free and happy as possible. Take time to read some stories and sing some carols together. Make some crappy looking sugar cookies. It doesn’t matter how they look or even how they taste, just that you tried (and didn’t take over the project because you wanted the cookies to come out perfect). Have cocoa and old-fashioned peppermint sticks and whipped cream or marshmallows standing ready in case the cookies fail or just to dip them in if they don’t. Throw a few snowballs. It doesn’t take much time or money or effort to make moments worth becoming memories.
Jenni in KS | December 9th, 2009 at 7:06 am
I hear you!! It seems like there are more and more holiday things to do every year. I can’t keep up!
But I love a good Shrinky Dink.
Cheyenna | December 9th, 2009 at 7:31 am
I’ll bet the kids loved doing the shrinky dinks!
“Holiday meh” is the perfect description of what I have been feeling. . .
Momsy | December 9th, 2009 at 8:50 am
You’re still pretty, very funny and people like you!
I was laughing so hard at your comment about “the weird stuff that your mom or somebody else’s weird mom shows you how to make” that my own mom in the other room demanded to know what was so funny.
Thanks Jenn.
Kristen | December 9th, 2009 at 9:18 am
I would TOTALLY send Christmas cards like that if I were you!
Deanna | December 9th, 2009 at 9:59 am
Well, you ARE still pretty….
Fruitfly | December 9th, 2009 at 10:14 am
So on the money! So true! The amount of ridiculous requests from my son’s school just keep coming. I just saw the list of things I can volunteer to bring to the school for next Tuesday. The list starts, “Hams (2)”. I think that means that two people each bring one ham, but seriously? If I made a whole ham, I’d be keeping that sucker for my own family, who lately has been resorting to mac-n-cheese and scrambled eggs for dinner, because I *have no time*. Sigh…They also want 10 bags of ten rolls each. I’d better get on roll patrol, those suckers are going to go fast…
Shrinky dinks sounds awesome. That’s a holiday tradition I can get behind…
As always, Jen, you rock!
Booa | December 9th, 2009 at 10:48 am
Thank you. This was a wonderful gift. Just in time for the holidays!
heidi | December 9th, 2009 at 11:02 am
Another wonderful story from your talented pen. Thanks for the laughs. I wonder if there really are any perfect people out there. I think they just give that appearance and huddle under the covers at night all scared that it just might fall apart some day.
Kaffee | December 9th, 2009 at 11:14 am
I love that you made Shrinky Dinks with them! I guarantee of all the parents, they remembered yours more. Because they are SHRINKY DINKS!
I’m that weird mom and that weird teacher that shows the kids all the cool stuff. I am quite happy with that!
Sugared Harpy | December 9th, 2009 at 11:44 am
For years, we produced and mailed a holiday newsletter in JANUARY. Until it slipped to February, and then March, at which point it was kind of a St. Patricks Day newsletter. But that’s a holiday, isn’t it? OF course it is. Last time we sent one out was, let’s see, 3 years ago. And the world still turns.
Now (NOW!) my son’s daycare preschool class wants parents to come in sometime soon to read a story or talk about our profession or maybe even do a craft, and I don’t think they understand the Catch-22 of their request - if I had time to do all THAT, I wouldn’t be working, and then my kid wouldn’t be at Kindercare every day!
Say “no” to the madness, Jenn. Simplify. Shrink those dinks. Rock on.
Meg | December 9th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Shrinky Dinks!! OMG I loved those - what an inspired and wacky idea. Just perfect - as you are to us, dear Jenn.
Yuletide Meh is a great phrase.
Lorrian in Long Beach, CA | December 9th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Sorry, one more school request - do you mind? It’s a holiday party (late afternoon) where parents are invited, and it’s on the 18th, and they suggest that we bring a dish highlighting our ethnic origin and/or wear the traditional clothing of our country. Um, all my ancestors have been here since the mid-1700s, so I’m thinking cheeseburgers, maybe, or macaroni & cheese, and for clothes, what - Crocs and a holiday vest perhaps?? **oy**
Meg | December 9th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
As someone who speaks French and once lived in Paris, I loved the image in the following sentence: “This concept made Madame laugh, the sound of twinkling stars coming out to play over the Eiffel Tower.”
And, I agree with whoever commented about this being the best pre-holiday post I have read ….
Alexandra | December 9th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
PS. I could never make a “buche de Noel” when I lived in France, but over there you could buy them at the patisserie or even the local supermarket.
Alexandra | December 9th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
And so much of it is truly unnecessary. Still, I keep on with the Holidays like an idiot.
All Adither | December 9th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
Shrinky-dinks are (were?) awesome! What a great idea for the kids. The holidays do keep coming, but it’s OK to stand off to the side and just let them pass, for the most part. Family members will understand if they don’t get presents, and so what if you don’t send out cards.
Kristen | December 9th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
I am in awe that your shrinky dinks came out in one piece. Loved reading this–and I am dying to see that nativity shrinky dink
caro | December 9th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
love this. i recommend striking some stuff off your list…like cards and other stuff that brings you no joy.
i would write more, but i’ve got some lights i need to shove up a gnome’s ass. on a related note, do you have a reallyreally tall ladder i could borrow?
Amelia | December 9th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
Jenn - you are awesome. Next year I’m going to get you to write my Christmas letter!
Melanie | December 9th, 2009 at 7:04 pm
What gets to me is that all this running around is for presents for people who cannot even think of another thing they need. Not what motivates me to go to the mall with all the other crazy holiday overachievers. Here’s to groundhog day!
Kirsten | December 9th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Love. You.
Love this post, love you, love shrinky dinks.
Ho ho ho.
Amy | December 9th, 2009 at 11:51 pm
oh my god, your section of the xmas cards out to friends sounds like christopher durang. i love it
tina | December 10th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
Awesome. I’ve become quite the bah humbug myself. I only do what I want to do (which admittedly involves lots of cookies, but for selfish reasons). With one big exception — presents. Maybe NEXT year I’ll finally grow a pair and tell all my relatives that I’ve donated a cow to a family in Africa for Christmas.
Sunski | December 10th, 2009 at 7:53 pm
I shall no longer call my annual malady the “holiday blahs.” From now on, it is a chronic buche depression.
Heidi | December 10th, 2009 at 11:51 pm
“Got a little itty-bitty Virginia Woolf there for a while but everybody took my rocks away! ”
Love.
Professional Critic | December 11th, 2009 at 1:39 am
My daughter is almost 18 months. I got through last holiday season by telling myself and anyone who would listen that she doesn’t have a clue, and we don’t have to do CHRISTMAS (and all it entails) yet. This year, I’m almost thinking the same thing. But there are families and photo-ops and other crap and I’m slowing coming to terms with the idea that I’m not going to get away with it, so I need to just order a couple things on amazon and call it good.
But, really… I don’t want to. My husband doesn’t really want to. Our mutual reluctance toward all things xmasy is one of the things that brought us together. Which was why, incidentally, we got married on Groundhog’s Day.
Jenntoo | December 11th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
Weights that you bought to sculpt the perfect body work just as well as rocks, but you probably won’t be getting any of them this year under the tree now, either. You’re welcome.
If I could get you anything, Jenn, it would be one perfect shingle with the word “hope” painted on, in your handwriting.
Off to watch Love Actually again. Because I hate myself that way.
Jenn | December 11th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
Love this post and couldn’t agree with you more! You speak what the rest of us are thinking and don’t want to admit. You gave me a smile today. Thanks!
Lori | December 12th, 2009 at 12:34 am
Ugh. Christmas, the holidays. Is there something else we can do?
Srsly. Let’s end this thing. Stop the madness. It’s like they’ve got us beat with the Scrooge the Grinch. We are pre-empted and silenced. But I will fight on.
Guess what? You don’t have to do it. I don’t do it. I do NOTHING. One time we made gingerbread men. I buy a couple of presents for those people who refuse to go present-less. I married a Jew–that’s partly how I get away with it. But I’m not Jewish.
Also, it’s not too late for you to convert.
Just forget it. I haven’t done anything for Christmas, ever. I don’t even have a tree. You don’t have to do it. No one does.
ozma | December 13th, 2009 at 1:55 am
I would kill to get your Christmas card. That made me snort.
Mrs. Q. | December 13th, 2009 at 7:12 pm
Thanks as always for a great laugh and some perspective! I’m doing well today- got more shopping done, the tree is decorated, cards are ordered- but pretty soon I’ll be crazed trying to find addresses and pack it all for the marathon holiday visits. And tomorrow night I hang out with all my Mom friends who often leave me feeling inferior. Sigh. Why do we do this to *ourselves*?! They don’t try to make me feel inferior, I can handle that all on my own! Anyhoo, here’s hoping you find some time to enjoy the season too.
Just another Jen | December 14th, 2009 at 10:54 am
This is great stuff - Shrinky Dinks are a fabulous holiday tradition. And shame shame on your ex for being all “great father crafty” Blah blah. Keep it up Jenn.
Jena | December 15th, 2009 at 7:51 am
A moratorium on holidays declared! Only authentic outpourings of winks and sarcasm and a swift kick in the pants to any Reason for the Season! Well written as always, Jenn. You are great.
Robin | December 15th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Fabulous work, Readers! An outpouring of Buche Love at my children’s school! Madame Irish Xtreme has been swamped with wondrous buches and I like to think it is all because of you! Tres bien!
Jenn | December 17th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
That 2nd to the last And the Christmas … sent me over the edge. I’m still laughing….
Shannon | December 28th, 2009 at 9:34 pm
for many, many, many years the “holiday letter” has not been mailed until Ground Hog’s Day…its become a tradition for us!
melinda | December 29th, 2009 at 8:36 pm