Single Mom at Work
with Jennifer Mattern
Feeling singled out? Get singled in with me: single mom, two kids, zero disposable income. Sometimes, life just sidles off in your preferred direction without you, and it takes a while to wrench your heel out of the sewer grate and catch up. Let's talk, sistas.
Find out more about my street cred at Breed 'Em and Weep.
Because I think all of you are fab (and would look fabulous in high heels and a bodysuit AND deserve backup dancers on Mother’s Day), this one goes out to you.
(***Somewhere in her satin sheets, Beyonce is writhing beside Jay-Z. Sorry, Beyonce.)
To the tune of “All The Single Ladies” by the excellent Beyonce
ALL THE SINGLE MAMAS
(hit single from “I AM MAMA FIERCE”)
All the single mamas, all the single mamas
All the single mamas, all the single mamas
All the single mamas, all the single mamas
Now put your hands up
Back in the house, just found a mouse
Dog just puked on the floor
The kid’s sick too, and my work is due
Who could ask for more
I cut my leg, I spilled my tea
Don’t pay me any attention
Cash-flow tears, for ten good years
Baby Daddy’s mad at me
If I liked it then I would have kept a ring on it
Mrs. Ingalls would have asked for a sunbonnet
Rather stay at home, read an old love sonnet
Now I’m scared that the kid’s got some lice on it
Uh, oh, oh! Uh, oh, oh!
Uh, oh, oh! Uh, oh, oh!
(repeat)
I got pudge on my hips, gelato on my lips
Got me tighter in my mom jeans
Children acting up, throwin’ sippy cups
Couldn’t care less what you think
I need no permission, just an intervention
Don’t pay me any attention
I’m a single mom, I am Da Bomb
It’s okay if you never miss me
If I liked it then I would have kept a ring on it
Mrs. Ingalls would have asked for a sunbonnet
Don’t be mad if my boobies want to flaunt it
If you loved me then you would have stayed on it
Uh, oh, oh! Uh, oh, oh!
Uh, oh, oh! Uh, oh, oh!
(repeat)
Can’t treat me to the things of the world
I’m not that kind of girl
The kids’ love is what I prefer, what I deserve
Plus there’s a battery that makes me, then takes me
Delivers me to a destiny, then back to my nightstand
Forget about your arms, I’m the one I own
Getting used to being alone
And my sistas call me on the phone
All the single mamas, all the single mamas
All the single mamas, all the single mamas
All the single mamas, all the single mamas
All the single mamas
Now put your hands up, uh, oh, oh
If you still like it put some Mother’s Day bling on it
Love the kids but sometimes I need quiet
Gonna get a tat with Ling-Ling on it
Gotta work cuz the house needs a roof on it
Uh, oh, oh! Uh, oh, oh!
Uh, oh, oh! Uh, oh, oh!
This was fantabulous!!! I especially loved the “Don’t pay me any attention” entreaties (I would add: while I lie here bleeding to death), I feel like that all the time, lol! So much better than the original, and if you get a Ling-Ling tat, I’ll get one too. THIS IS SEWIOUS!
Julie Kang | May 5th, 2010 at 9:51 am
And you know I like it when you bling it up like that.
Kaffee | May 5th, 2010 at 11:24 am
omg, i loooooooooooooooooooovvvvvvvvvve you!!!
and i love this. 1000%!
xoxoxoxoxol
Lisa | May 5th, 2010 at 11:30 am
Yay!
Leigh | May 5th, 2010 at 1:08 pm
For a married woman Beyonce has some of the best single lady anthems out there.
I believe “Irreplaceable” is still my favorite though!
Mich | May 5th, 2010 at 2:25 pm
that was the best mother’s day present ever!!!!!! thank you , you fine mama!
wendy | May 5th, 2010 at 2:35 pm
Anthem! (got a lighter up over my head)
Mrs. Q. | May 5th, 2010 at 6:07 pm
Jenn, I love you. Truly, madly, deeply. You rock. And roll.
Stine | May 6th, 2010 at 5:06 am
Love the Mrs. Ingalls line.
ozma | May 6th, 2010 at 6:26 am
That was AWESOME, Jenn!!!!!!
Meghan | May 6th, 2010 at 7:42 am
Jenn, not being a jerk at all, but if you really are thinking of getting that tattoo and it is for the wonder pets, it’s actually Ming Ming. Just wanted to put that out there. If ling ling is for something else, no biggie.
Meghan | May 6th, 2010 at 7:52 am
Ah! I was thinking that too Meghan. There is a character Ling-Ling (from Drawn Together). But hey, I want one of the Backyardigans’ Ausitn.
Mich | May 6th, 2010 at 11:07 am
I was thinking of Ling-Ling the famous panda. But, you know, not really.
Jenn | May 7th, 2010 at 11:17 am
Tell it, Mama! Happy Day to you.
dede | May 7th, 2010 at 3:43 pm
you continue to blow me away!
Momsy | May 10th, 2010 at 9:39 am
AWESOME.
alisa | May 11th, 2010 at 9:31 am