Single Mom at Work
with Karli Larson
The transition from stay-at-home mom to divorced-and-working-full-time mom can be challenging, and sometimes very lonely. Throw in a few cats, an ancient dog and one very brave boyfriend, and life gets downright crazy. Join me as I talk through my thoughts and struggles, my miscalculations and my triumphs. We're in this together, you and I.
When I'm not writing here you can find me over at work on the TisBest Philanthropy blog.
Don’t ask, don’t tell: dating post-divorce
Categories: Fighting the Stereotype, Hoping for Love, Tentative Steps
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My ex and I have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy regarding our dating lives post-divorce.
It is not a policy that we discussed beforehand. It is not a policy that we discuss now. It simply is. At some point, it seems like it’s got to change. But for now, for better or for worse, this is where we are.
The girls, of course, carry information back and forth like pollinating bees. I know which names they have mentioned to him; I know which names they have mentioned to me. They speculate as much as I do. I can see them working it out in their heads: their parents will be with other people. Some grownup friends are just friends; some are friends with potential to become much more to Mommy and Daddy.
When my elder daughter was about 4, she asked me in a most forthright fashion to “always be honest with [her].” I keep this bargain with her, and hold it sacred. I tell her that I will always be honest with her, but that I reserve the right to hold off on certain information until she is older, that some information is too much to handle at the age of 4, 7, 9, even 12, 15. She nods, wisely, as if she understands. Maybe she does.
But I tell her what I can, whenever I can. She is full of fantastic, no-nonsense questions: “Is X bisexual or lesbian?” “Where did your friend Y go? We haven’t seen him for a while.” “What’s the least important thing to you in your whole life?” “Would you want to get married again?” “Will Daddy get married again?”
The remarrying questions give me pause. I know the statistics for second marriages, and they are not pretty. She can see me struggling with her queries, and she waits patiently, snuggled up against my side, for my answers. I told her the other night that I would very much like to marry again someday, but only if it felt like the kind of love that could last always, a love that was unconditional, with room for change and forgiveness and disagreements and affection. I told her I was in no hurry to marry again, but that I do wonder what life has in store for me, that sometimes I do wish for a partner in life and love. I told her her Daddy is a good man, and it’s likely that someday he will find someone too who makes sense to him, whom he will love very much. I told her it is possible that her life will look very different down the line, that her family could grow in funny ways, that she could live in different places. I told her that no matter what, her daddy and I will make any decisions–individually and together–keeping her and her sister foremost in our minds and hearts.
I don’t know what my ex would like to know. Maybe he doesn’t care to know anything. I wait for him to ask the same questions that our daughter asks. When he asks, I will answer. I haven’t asked anything about his love life, either. Maybe we are simply not ready to ask those questions of each other, no matter how many years have already passed with our living separate lives.
How do you deal with discussing dating with your ex? I would love to hear.
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My ex and I don’t have kids together, so we don’t talk. Period. And that’s OK. I wish him the best in life and love - I know he’s re-married and has a child now (color me floored at the latter); he knows the same of me. Stuff always makes it’s way to other’s ears somehow.
But when it comes to family changes and unusual structures - and honesty with your children, I do have a child (one) with my husband who has a half brother, a boy I gave up for adoption at birth in 1994.
He’s in our lives, along with his mum, and is coming to visit Monday. As our daughter, who’s now only 2 grows, I know that I’ll face some VERY hard questions with respect to her brother - rather like what you’re facing now. Hopefully I can be as comfortable and honest with her as you are with your daughter.
As a final thought, your ex will never ask you those questions the same way that your daughter does. He’s an adult and is acutely aware of the ramifications of asking such questions. If you do want to know someday, maybe it’ll be on you to ask him, “Will we ever talk about who we’re dating and who’s special in our lives?”
After all, as parents and partners or future step-parents, you need to work together when it comes to your kids, yes? Maybe there’s more that I don’t know, but I would think that another adult’s influence in my child’s life would be something I would need to know about.
Phe | July 21st, 2010 at 11:47 am
Unless either of you is dating a registered sex offender or someone else with kids that tag along on dates, why say anything? Why would kids meet any casual dates/hook-ups anyway?
An ex isn’t always a friend.
Sherlockjunior | July 25th, 2010 at 2:38 pm
I can’t imagine how hard that must be. I am sure I wouldn’t want to know.
Momsy | July 25th, 2010 at 7:13 pm
I assume my ex is dating based on the fact that I hear about spending the day with daddy and “insert woman’s name here” and they change from time to time so….
I personally - bleah. I don’t see bringing around “friends” until I think they might be something. But I work in an office, not from home so I can have lunch dates, after-work drinks, etc. before any intros have to be made at all.
Mich | July 27th, 2010 at 12:30 pm
Hmm. The only long term relationship that I had before my partner, Bing, was a 7 year one in my middle twenties. It ended badly and I rarely saw her. When I did run into her, the last thing I wanted to talk about was my romantic status and I had no interest at all in hers. Luckily, she moved to Colorado right after our break up and I was spared having to see her a lot. If we had had children together, it would have been a nightmare.
Maria | July 28th, 2010 at 5:08 am
The only reason I would ever mention a man to my ex is if I were engaged to him. Period. Perhaps not even then, not until after we’d married. I don’t have any interest in his love life, either, unless the woman is going to become a permanent part of my child’s life. I do not believe that my ex is sane, however, and that plays a role in how we deal with these (and all other) issues.
Amelia | July 30th, 2010 at 2:36 pm
My ex was my best friend, so I find it impossible to just turn off my interest in what is happening in her life. I asked, but for a long time she wouldn’t answer. Now I think she is starting to realize my sincerity is real, that I just want her to be happy, and it’s not a crazy, jealous thing.
During our first year of separation (circa June ‘09 to June ‘10), I had our 3 boys about 80% of the time, so there wasn’t much to tell on my end even if she had thought to ask. She did sign me up for an online dating site, so I guess she was comfortable with the idea.
It hurt me terribly when she decided that she no longer wanted to be with me, and I was more angry than I have ever been before in my life. Most people would probably support me if I decided to hate her forever, but my youngest is only 3 years old and I just don’t have the energy to actively hate someone for the minimum of 15 more years she will have to be part of my life.
If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t have the boys in my life. She gave me much more than she ever took away. I guess it’s just hard for me to imagine that my best friend for 7 years is supposed to now become this stranger whose life story from now on is limited to only the details that won’t hurt my feelings.
Mike | August 4th, 2010 at 3:23 pm