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Flawed, but learning

Categories: Best Practices, Fighting the Stereotype


My ex-husband, poor dear man, never asked to be united in holy matrimony with a blogger. Playwriting was one thing; blogging came along later, in 2005.

He was a supremely good sport when I mined the day-to-day absurdities of our life together for comic effect. Narcolepsy, the Easter-ham induced wish for a kosher kitchen, the time the blond dog sprayed poo all over his computer speakers: it was all out there.

When we parted ways, there were inevitable questions from readers, wanting the dirty details, wanting the autopsy results.

I didn’t give them. I never would. I wrote of the grief, of the bewilderment, because for several years, that was my life—no sense in denying it. I wrote from my gut, because it was all I knew how to do. It kept me moving, standing, seeing.

I hate that we hurt each other. I am not proud of how it ended. We could not find the words we needed, we could not chart a course that led back to one another.

But I am humbled and grateful by the fact that we are learning, now, to find the words we need to raise our beautiful daughters together, yet not-together.

We met for coffee the other day, to talk about the girls, about possibilities for the future in our respective careers, personal lives.

We fumbled, some. We lurched, a bit. The words did not come easily, but they came more easily than they had before.

We are flawed, but dear Lord, we are learning. And, my God, do we love our finest collaboration: two remarkable, beautiful, curious, creative, compassionate daughters.

We are beginning to see one another again, I think. We are beginning to shake off the past, our no-longer-useful constructs of the other.

Over two mugs of coffee, we endeavored to see one another anew—although we did not give words to this. I sensed us recalling some of the good that we’d loved before in each other, recognizing new strength in each of us. We spoke of the girls—but we were there in the subtext, genuinely listening to each other again.

My girls are blessed to have such a loving father. For all of the sadness and anger and grief of the past few years, I recognize that I am grateful still to share this challenging venture of parenting with him. It will not always be easy, not even close, but I feel as if we are finally finding our way back to firmer ground, with care and mutual respect.

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3 comments so far...

  • This post made me as happy as the amazing poem you wrote on your blog. So many good things for you right now! It’s about time the universe started treating you right!

    Karen  |  March 15th, 2011 at 2:33 pm

  • What a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing.

    Wendy S. Marcus  |  March 15th, 2011 at 9:29 pm

  • Beautifully written. I’m glad to hear that you are working on this. It’s so much better when the grown ups can act like adults, as hard as that can be sometimes.

    Lisse  |  March 16th, 2011 at 9:23 am