Single Mom at Work
with Jennifer Mattern
Feeling singled out? Get singled in with me: single mom, two kids, zero disposable income. Sometimes, life just sidles off in your preferred direction without you, and it takes a while to wrench your heel out of the sewer grate and catch up. Let's talk, sistas.
Find out more about my street cred at Breed 'Em and Weep.
I recently had to can my Nanny.
It was awful and heart wrenching because my son truly loved her, and god knows he’s had enough change in his short life in the last two years, you know? But I had few options: my caretaker had lost her driver’s license for too many speeding tickets, and then asked for a five hundred dollar a month raise. She texted me to inform me of her dilemmas when I was sprinting to a meeting in San Francisco.
At first I went into shell-shock mode, furiously scribbling numbers, trying to determine just how many more freelance jobs I’d have to take on to pay her what she said she needed to survive. It was absurd, I didn’t have enough hours left in the day to take on anything else. I pondered and stressed and watched Ridiculous Late Night Shopping Channel to combat the insomnia that took over while I figured out what I was going to do.
In those first aftermath mornings, I’d drop my son off at her house, and sit in traffic on my way back to work, at my home office, stewing. She couldn’t come to us, you see, because her boyfriend had just given her a new puppy, and she had to be home with him.
I guess I’m trying to illustrate that I didn’t have much of a choice in changing my childcare arrangements. It was time. I think she was telling me that, too.
I found a homey daycare five minutes from our home, with an earnestly sweet proprietor and adjusted, smiling children. There was a park next door and a clean playground, a train track and activity center. They even had yoga and French class. Bonus: the daycare charged a full five hundred dollars less a month than my full time live out nanny. Sweet, beaded relief. Until Nolan started crying every time I left him there. And the bleeding, infection-filled guilt started pressing into me again. Could I do this to him five days a week?
“I don’t like it here,“he whispered, clenching my hand,“Please don’t go to work. I would work, I would make two hundwed dollars and give it to Mommy. And then you could be with me.”
Oh dear god.
So, I asked my Mom for help. Again.
Mom works three days a week, and she’s off Thursday and Friday. Right now she’s looking after my son on Fridays and picks him up early on occasion on Thursdays. I feel a small twinge of guilt at taking her Friday away, but reassure myself with the hope that this is temporary. And that my son will learn to love his new comrades.
I’m curious, fellow parents — do you think it’s OK to ask your retired or semi-retired parents for help with daycare? I know so many more GenX parents who are doing this, with varying levels of guilt. For me, for now, there seems to be no other way and again I am just grateful for my Mom.
Thanks, Rachel, for the idea and inspiration on this topic.
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My mom watches my 3 girls on her days off. She also loves with us. I am a real estate agent and with the market the way it is we cannot afford to pay almost $600 a month for full time day care for 3 kids. She says she doesn’t mind but I can tell some days she is really overwhelmed. Luckily, those days I can work from home or not work at all. It stinks but if I want to work I have to do it! He will get used to daycare. I put my oldest in full time daycare and it took her 2 weeks to adjust and then she didn’t want to leave when I came to get her!
Nicole | July 7th, 2008 at 6:19 am
sorry, i said I would have to pay $600 a month for daycare, I meant $600 a week!
Nicole | July 7th, 2008 at 6:20 am
This was never an option for me because my parents are both still employed full-time. However, my mother and I have chatted about other friends whose mothers do watch their kids. My mom says it’s no good. She says this takes away the grandma’s ability to be grandma. Meaning, she would not want to discipline the kids. She wants to be there for all-day candy fest, staying up late, taking 1.5 hour walks around the block picking up sticks and rocks, and buying little toys every time they go to Walmart (or the pharmacy, or dollar store, or grocery store).
I am sure there are grandmas who would argue that they would rather have the kid with family than with strangers at daycare (in fact, my home daycare provider launched her business to watch her granddaughter), but unless your parent does want to be in the daycare business, I don’t think it’s fair to them.
I think that one day a week or filling in on occasion is a great compromise, but I don’t think a grandparent should be pushed into the role of full-time caregiver. . .says the woman who has spent around $50K on childcare and knows what she’s talking about : )
AJ | July 7th, 2008 at 7:48 am
Hell yes it’s OK! You’re so lucky your mom can help you out. I bet she loves spending time with Nolan, too. Here’s the thing — parents can always say no, if helping out is too much to handle. So I think it’s definitely OK to ask.
I wish I could ask, but we have no grandparent support in that regard at all. Let’s start on my side - my mom passed away in 1994, and my daughter will never even know her. My dad is terrifically supportive, but he lives a good 10-hour drive away from us, and he’s 75. He never forgets a birthday, but I can’t exactly ask him to babysit. My husband’s parents are divorced, and each of them is also an 8-hour drive away. They’re much younger than my dad, and theoretically we could turn to them for help if we really needed it, except, well, we can’t. My father-in-law is a very self-centered person who could NEVER handle babysitting a toddler, and my poor mother-in-law is in the early stages of kidney failure.
Be grateful that you have a resource in your mom. I envy you.
Groovymarlin | July 7th, 2008 at 9:34 am
Short answer: Nope.
Long answer: I think it is AOK for them to volunteer/offer to help, but ask them? Nope, not unless it is an emergency. In my opinion a child that is having trouble adjusting to a new environment is not an emergency.
KathyHowe | July 7th, 2008 at 10:52 am
It’s okay to ask them on one condition: they need to have the right to say no. That’s our situation; my mom helps out a lot with my disabled teen, and she enjoys it. However, if she says, “Sorry, I’m not available” or “I’m just overwhelmed that day” we respect her needs, completely.
Daisy | July 7th, 2008 at 11:31 am
I think the relationship determines how comfortable you are in asking them to take this on.
Most people don’t have the luxury of retired parents willing to help care for their grandchildren Or to have them living in close proximity.
We did and they said yes.
We’ve never regretted it nor did we feel we were taking advantage, nor did they make us feel they are taking advantage. As we had the daycare lined up, they knew we had made plans.
My MIL is always telling me how involved in their lives she is and how much she enjoys that closeness. I know the kids are better for that day to day relationship.
Tracey | July 7th, 2008 at 11:51 am
Whoops,
this should have read “nor did they make us feel we are taking advantage.”
Tracey | July 7th, 2008 at 11:52 am
Hi Kristin,
I have twins and just started working…and I asked help from my mother in law since I live in Denmark and my parents in Mexico. I did not like to ask for the help…picking them up eraly twice a week and staying with them if they are ill and cannot go to daycare (and I cannot stay home due to a deadline at work, etc..).
I would like to live in a dream world where I do everything I “should do” and “want to do”…but reality bites, and at the end of the day I just want the best possible solution for my kids…and that means (a) I have to work so I am financially reliable/viable and (b) I dont want them to be at daycare all day long. As a and b contradict themselves, there is nothing to do but juggle…with preconceived ideas, with etiquette, with deadlines, with guilt, all of this…a mess, you know as good as me1 :-9 But keep your eye on the end goal…I think you are doing well by priortising your child, asking for help, etc. If your mother cannot help, she could also say no…and maybe, jst maybe, isnt that what friends/family/communities are for? To take care of each other??
You are also bringing a family member into your childs life, enriching it…
Trust your insticts and gut feeling….and forget about what anyone else has to say
Gaby | July 7th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
It’s ok for them to volunteer, but you have to make sure you aren’t too dependent on them. You want to make sure they enjoy their time with your son and not see it as a chore. I started my son in daycare at 1 and it took close to 2 weeks for him to get used to it. It’s just that they don’t understand yet that they can trust their new caregiver to take care of their needs. I think what your doing now is a good way to break him in, but overall I don’t think it will hurt him to be there, it will just take time to get used to it. BONUS - he’ll have friends there and learn how to socialize before a lot of other kids do. Hope this helps.
BA | July 7th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
My daughter used to cry when I dropped her off at daycare, too. I’d walk down the hall just out of eyesight and listen to her cry… for about 30 seconds. Once she realized I wasn’t going to stand in the door of her classroom and listen to it and beg her to go play with her friends, she’d hush and go play. She was fine. She was only doing it to keep me there longer. She eventually got used to going to school. To this day, any time we see the teacher she had back then, she runs to her for a hug.
We ended up not needing daycare this summer so I withdrew her from the center. Now she asks when she can go back to school and see her friends.
I think it just takes a little while for them to adjust. Once they do, though, they’re fine. I’m sure your little man will be fine, too.
Melanie | July 7th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
Oof. I think any child that is saying those exact words - “I don’t like it here” - is feeling more than separation anxiety. At least to me, it sounds like there might be a specific problem or two. Can you drop in one day unannounced and see how he’s doing without him knowing? Maybe ask him to draw a picture about his new school, and see if that tells you anything. Ask him about the other kids there. Did so-and-so feel sad again today? That kind of thing.
And, no, I don’t think it’s a bad thing to ask your mom for daycare help in this situation. Hopefully it’s temporary and he’ll adjust to his new school.
Trudy | July 7th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
My daughter stayed with my mother for the first 15 months of her life while I worked full time and went to school. I was lucky because my mother owned her own business out of her home. When I moved out of state I had no choice but to find a certified daycare. It was definitely an adjustment. Nevaeh took a few weeks to get into the routine of saying buh bye to mama…mama’s going to work, but in the long run it turn out to be a good thing. My daughter has been at her daycare for about 9 months now, and absolutely loves it! I am just baffled at how well she plays with other kids(which is important b/c she will probably always be an only child) and how much she’s learned. As hard as it is Kristen, us working single mother often don’t have a choice. Do your homework, tour several daycares before settling on one, but ur little man will be just fine.
Miranda | July 7th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
I think it’s OK to ask only if the relationship is such that it’s OK for them to say no. You know what I mean.
My mom watches our kids one day a week on a regular basis, with the understanding that we can, occasionally, make alternate arrangements. She is retired and likes to be able to travel, participate in volunteer activities, what have you.
I think it’s great if your mom wants to help your little boy make the transition to daycare. Some kids take longer to adjust than others (with no offense meant toward Melanie, if I had a nickel for every time somebody told me a story like yours, I wouldn’t have to take my kids to daycare and I got so very tired of reiterating that MY daughter didn’t get over it so fast and yes, I already tried clever tricks X, Y AND Z and no, they didn’t help much). It seems to me like as long as you’re making sure she knows she’s not obligated, your mom is an adult and can make her own decision about how to spend her Fridays.
Jan | July 7th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Well, here is the flip side of this situation: my mother keeping my son during the day helps her as much as me. You see, my son was born 11 months after my father died. My mother moved three streets away from us so we could look after her and she could be near us. I totally assumed that she would elect to start working after having been his caretaker for many years. But what she wanted was to take care of Charlie full-time. And what a blessing … she has saved us between $600-1500 a month. And he simply adores his “Nana”. He kept her from falling into a deep depression and she kept me from the additional guilt I’d feel each and every day.
Stephanie | July 7th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
I think it’s ok if you ask but don’t tell or expect it. My parents have watched Cara A LOT since she was born and I try to be mindful of the fact that they have lives outside of my needs. It’s easy for me not to abuse their generosity because they live 2 hours away.
Missy | July 7th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
Hi,
I’m a grandma, taking full care of my two little granddaughters M-F, my daughter is aslo PG and due again in Dec. I’m 65, widowed and it is such a great blessing for me to have this wonderful opportunity to spend time with them and make great memories. I have set up a sort of daycare in my home, they each have their own room and we ccok, paint, do projects, sing, dance and just have a ball every day. I’m so glad for this chance and hope more grandmothers might think about spending more time with their grandchildren if they have the chance to. It is truly a gift, and if your daughter says yes, please do not feel any quilt, you are doing her and your children a favor. I still have a life, I sell children’s books (Barefoot Books) at school, educator conferences, home parties and craft fairs. I also work at out TBI rehab part time. My life is full, but the best part is my time with my granddaughters!
Warmly,
Patricia
Barefoot Gramma | July 7th, 2008 at 7:54 pm
Please forgive the miss spelled words in the above comment!
Patricia
Barefoot Gramma | July 7th, 2008 at 7:57 pm
Tough situation, indeed. Wow, oh man were you right to can that nanny. (Multiple speeding tickets? OMG!) Don’t rush it - your son will settle in. Maybe you could stay and hang out with him for a while every day??
Diane | July 7th, 2008 at 9:55 pm
I think the rightness - or not - of asking the grandparents to do regular babysitting depends on circumstances which are individual to each situation. In your case, it sounds like your son is fairly easy to look after, your mother is available , etc. However, maybe you could do it once a fortnight instead of once a week? So she could still have her occasional Friday. Or just have a really honest conversation with her, ask her if she’s happy with it.
But I’ll echo what others have been saying - the child will get used to daycare very quickly, and is probably only crying until you’re out of the room. If you’re confident that the place is good, and it does sound lovely, then be firm with him, get him interested in an activity, give him a big hug and kiss, say goodbye firmly and leave. Phone the centre a few minutes later and if they’re worth their salt he’ll be totally settled, playing with other kids and not having any problems. If you do let him change your arrangements, you will get the same performance next time you need to do something he doesn’t like. It sounds a little harsh but it’s better for everybody, including him, in the long run.
SydneyGal | July 7th, 2008 at 10:35 pm
My mom lives so far away. I know she would love to watch the boys. You do the best you can with what you’ve got, Kristin. And hope that your mother will just tell you if she has had too much. It must be so hard.
mommyneedsabusiness | July 8th, 2008 at 9:06 am
My husband works long hours and I work so I use daycare. My mom has become my back up daycare over the years. Thing is, when I use her for back up, like when the kids are sick or school is closed, I don’t feel like I can call and ask her to babysit on a Saturday night so we can go out to dinner or something like that.
Sharon | July 8th, 2008 at 9:33 am
When we moved to the same area as my parents, my mom made it clear early on that she wasn’t available for work-related childcare. She takes the younger kids for a few hours twice a week, but it’s for play/fun time, not as childcare. I do use the time to work, but she won’t take the kids more if I need more time for work. She said she would of course be available for genuine emergencies (me going to the hospital, for example), but not for work crises. And I guess I’m glad she said so up front, because it would have been worse if I’d asked and she’d said no.
Swistle | July 8th, 2008 at 9:01 pm
I have two boys - 11 mos apart. My Mom has lived with us and kept the boys for us while my husband and I work (and travel for work) for the past 5 years. It has been a bleasing and - yes - difficult on us all at times. My Mom never wanted a stranger watching her first grandchildren - especially before they were able to walk and talk - and neither did I. It has worked out as the best viable option for us. Now as for my Mother-in-law or Father-in-law, no I wouldn’t even think about asking them. They either wouldn’t be able to handle the daily tasks of keeping an infant / toddler - or wouldn’t want to for more than an hour or two at a time. And as for your son’s request to not go to this particular daycare - I say listen to him and keep looking for something else that works for you both. I had my youngest in a daycare for two weeks and pulled him out after he was asking not to go, we visited and found children beating him and the teachers looking the other way! Sometimes we need to really listen to our kids… it may be just an adjustment to his new situation and it may be something more. All the best of luck to you!
2BoyMom | July 9th, 2008 at 9:45 am
Definitely. Especially if you have the kind of relationship with your mother where she’ll tell you if it gets to be too much. She’s probably thrilled to be able to spend so much time with him. Do you have any idea how many grandparents see their grandchildren on holidays only?
I also think it’s good for Nolan to go to daycare some days - he’ll realise that you will make whatever arrangements you can for him but that sometimes mummy is just doing the best she can. He’ll be fine. I know it breaks your heart when they say things like that - “I’ll work” - he’s adorable. BUt he will survive. It’s good for him to meet kids and as you said he’ll grow to like them there.
A few days at home with granny doesn’t hurt either.
tash | July 9th, 2008 at 11:13 am
I can absolutely feel the pain of your experience..having been through it myself. Sometimes I think single moms get charged more for day care by nannies and other child care providers because our need is greater.
Now, I don’t let them know I’m single until after I’ve negotiated the fee.
Kathy | July 9th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Oh my–I hear your pain and your anxiety in this post. Thanks for bringing up the issue about childcare as well as grandparents! We have a fulltime nanny for our twin 2 year olds. We worry that they aren’t getting enough stimulation from her, and it is difficult to take 2 small ones out alone.
Enter nearby retired grandparents. They take the kids 3-4 days/week taking the girls to various classes and adventures. Sometimes the grandparents go by themselves, other times it is one grandparent with the nanny.
I feel guilty and try hard not to ask them for any other help. That means we do not ask for additional help from them, and mommy-daddy time is very limited. I struggle with this issue–are we taking advantage of them?
Probably, but I don’t think we could manage otherwise.
spacegeek | July 10th, 2008 at 11:14 pm
It’s really such a tough call and I think that if we realize that our parents our really doing us a favor, it works out great. I constantly remind myself that my mom doesn’t “owe” me this. She is helping me because she wants to and not because she has too.
michelle | July 11th, 2008 at 5:26 am
Oh, it’s fine to ask. I ask all the time. But since my mom is a busy career woman herself (and she’s only 50 after all), I don’t EXPECT her to say yes. When she can, she does. But when she has to say “no,” she helps me try to figure out an alternative. I love my mom!
Robyn | July 11th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
I can sympathize with you, Nolan is very young and it seems that hiring a young nanny would be the idea, but sometimes not. The nanny that you describe dosen’t seem to be too mature, otherwise she wouldn’t be getting those speeding tickets. She could also have your son in the car while speeding and get into an accident. I would also want the nanny to understand my liabilities, as far as paying her for what she does based on merit, not just because of her” I messed up” way of hoping that somebody will come along and uderstand her life style. She is not a live in, so the fact that her boyfriend bought her a puppy has no reflection on how she spends her money. All of these ideas in my mind, present more trouble than they are worth. This girl is not mature, otherwise she would be glad that you just have one child, and pay her a suitable amount for her to budget with. That word for young people is not applicable, but sooner or latter it will have to be. Otherwise, it is helpful to have your child stay with Grandma you and Nolan are comfortable with her, as long as it does not infringe on her, then it shouldn’t be a problem until you can locate a daycare program that is suitable for Nolan and you. It is by no means easy to find a substitute for “mom” but if you are resigned to being a working mom, then you will hopefully continue to search and you should find somebody that will not want to take advantage of you, and have the health and well being of your son as top priorities. .
Gloria | July 18th, 2008 at 10:05 am
Am I the only DIL that doesn’t want my only baby with another woman (MIL) all day long? I prefer for her to be at daycare rather than sit at her grandmother’s house watching TV and being spoiled rotten eating crap all day.
Ungrateful | August 18th, 2008 at 11:00 am
I am a single mother who’s had a terrible experience with daycares, so I can definitely relate when you say that you felt so bad about leaving your son somewhere where he wasn’t happy. I’d also tell you to listen to him. My son screamed and cried when I’d leave him at his daycare. He was only two and had never been in childcare before, so at first I thought it was normal. Friends also told me to tell him that “Mommy has to go to work and you have to go to daycare, and that’s just the way it is, so you need to stop crying and having tantrums and deal with it.” Several weeks later I found out he had been seriously abused. I am not saying your son is in a similar situation, but I think it’s essential to LISTEN to our children. Sometimes it’s more than a case of mere discomfort.
On the issue of having your mom watch your son, I think it’s reasonable. In most other cultures, Asian and Latin cultures in particular, it’s expected that grandparents and other family members watch the grandchildren. There is more of a “it takes a village to raise a child” mentality, whereas many Westerners, particularly in the US, view this as an unfair and unnecessary burden placed on family members. Why? So many of us leave our children in daycares that are highly priced and offer substandard care, especially for younger children. Sometimes I really think we need to really reconsider our views of family in this country. We are so focused on our individual needs that we don’t think about what’s best for the most vulnerable among us.
Mama Solo | September 11th, 2008 at 3:30 am
I’m a flight attendant and I wouldn’t be able to do it if it wasn’t for my parents and my ex’s mom. She’s retired and watches my boys when their dad and I are working. But he’s with them when he doesn’t work and I do.
Thank god for grandparents!
Carolina | September 29th, 2008 at 11:58 am
Yes, I think it’s ok to ask the parents to help with daycare. Having a child with a grandparent is much better than in daycare because the child will be brought up with your values and will have 100% attention to your child. You will also know they are safe and it’s free. It will bond the child with the grandparent and build a solid relationship.
Christine G | January 26th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
“I’m curious, fellow parents — do you think it’s OK to ask your retired or semi-retired parents for help with daycare?”
Yes! Absolutely! Beyond a shadow of a doubt YES! Why? Remember the saying, “It takes a village to raise a child?” That is very true. People trying to raise their kids without interaction from other adults, especially grand-parents, aunts, uncles, etc. have a very hard time … trust me. If your Mom is willing to help, then take it. This also gives Grandma and son more time to bond and memories to build up. Feel no guilt unless you are not doing your part as a parent as well.
Mike | May 21st, 2009 at 7:45 am