It’s all over the news. People are having to break it to their kids. This year, Christmas, the holidays, it’s all going to suck.

Oh wait, that isn’t the message?!

We’re heading into full holiday frenzy at our house. This year we’re scaling back on gift giving quite a bit, and I’m sure we’re not the only ones. I’m knitting up a storm for many people on our Christmas list this year (which actually isn’t less expensive than buying store bought gifts, especially when you factor in the time that it’s taking…just had to put that out there). Anyway, with the aforementioned scale back in effect, gift guilt is starting to set in.

I recently came across this list of unspoken gift giving rules*, and see myself in just about every one of them. However, with my eyes on the prize of not sinking into the pit of debt this year, I’m trying to overcome.

1. Give a gift to everyone you expect to get one from.

Yep, this one applies to us, and it’s why I haven’t been making eye-contact with the neighbors in weeks. Seriously though, I also recognize that I don’t give gifts to get something in return, so I’m just trying to be a little more zen about the whole thing and have a more open mind about giving and receiving.

2. If someone gives you a gift unexpectedly, reciprocate that year. (Some people have prewrapped generic gifts set aside for just such an occasion.)

Still thinking of the neighbors…last year the little old lady from across the street brought us home made goodies, and I didn’t reciprocate. I still feel a pang of guilt when I think about it. Hey, I said I was working on the zen thing.

3. When you add a name to your gift list, give that person a gift every year thereafter.

Okay, this doesn’t have to do with Christmas, but I definitely feel the pull to continue giving gifts to friends who I’ve given birthday gifts to in the past.  As if it would mean that we weren’t as good of friends if we stopped getting each other gifts. It sounds really dumb when I say it like that, but that’s the truth of it.

4. The amount of money you spend on a gift determines how much you care about the recipient.

Oh what a trap this is. In the past I have actually caught myself trying to calculate the percentage of the gift budget I should spend on someone based on the amount I care for them. Aside from being absolutely impossible, it definitely cheapens friendships and I don’t recommend the practice. This year I’m trying for as thoughtful as possible rather than letting the price tag decide.

5. Gifts exchanged between adults should be roughly equal in value.

I was just reading Type A Mom, and she was stressing over the amount that her brother would be spending on her six children, while she would be spending considerably less on his one child. Similarly, last year I remember picking out gifts for my sisters-in-law.  I stressed and stressed after I finished shopping, I had spent roughly the same amount, but one sister was getting one larger gift while the other was getting several small gifts, and it looked as if the small gifts added up to more even though they didn’t. I’m sure neither of them even gave it a second thought.

6. The present you give someone should be fairly consistent in value over the years.

This year we even had an email going around amongst the siblings to make sure that all of us were going down in value this year so as not to offend or disappoint.

7. If you give a gift to a person in one category (e.g., a coworker or neighbor), give a gift to everyone in that category, and these gifts should be similar in value.

Like I said before. No. Eye. Contact.

8. Women should give gifts to their close women friends.

I have always disregarded this rule. Back in high school and college, I wasn’t married to a Christian yet, and so I never gave Christmas gifts to my friends because I didn’t celebrate it.  Every once in a while someone would get me something, which I would feel utterly guilty about. But for the most part, my girl friends and I have a no gift giving pact for the holidays (however, see birthdays above).

9. Men should not give gifts to their male friends- unless those gifts are alcoholic beverages.

I don’t drink myself, and couldn’t really justify buying alcohol. However, my husband was just reading over my shoulder, and thought that this was the absolute best gift giving rule of all time.  He’s going on and on about it as I type.

10. Whenever the above rules cause you any difficulty, remedy the situation by buying more gifts.

And that’s the crux of the whole thing, isn’t it?  We’ve been tricked into thinking that the more gifts that we buy, the more giving we are. I guess this year so many of us are being forced to buck the trend and recognize that a coffee mug for our coworkers, or lotion for our girlfriends isn’t symbolic of the relationship.

A good friend of mine recently wrote a post about advertising.  Her husband was watching commercials with their preschool aged daughter, and she was begging for this or that toy.  He explained to her that commercials are designed to make us unhappy with what we have. The point is that the real gift this year is recognizing the true spirit of giving. We don’t need to dig deeper into our pockets to show others how much they mean to us. A sincere smile can sometimes do the trick.

Okay, I’m getting down off of my high horse now, and going to smile at my neighbors…I hope their dog is inside.

Do you follow the hidden gift giving rules? Are you having to rethink things this year?

*The rules are adapted from Unplug the Christmas Machine, Robinson and Staeheli, 1991 p. 92